job change, need a plan ... could use support & suggestions
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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job change, need a plan ... could use support & suggestions
Hi all. I am going through a job change and could use support & advice from those who have gone this route before me.
In June, the firm I worked for merged with a larger firm. I was offered a job with the new firm, but decided to take a break (after 10 yrs), and make some kind of change. The first couple months I just rested, exercised a lot, and recuperated from years of overtime. Now I'm trying to start up the process of finding employment, and it's gotten uncomfortable.
I'm not going to drink over it, no matter what, because I'm a non-drinker now.
But my mood hasn't been great the last week or two, and I need to step up my self-care. I'm SO lucky in that there's not a huge time pressure -- we keep our overhead really low, so my husband's job can cover things until I sort this out. There are lots of jobs available and I have solid skills (accounting) but I'm looking for something kind of particular in terms of hours, location, type of work.
I am very introverted and it's a real challenge for me to put myself out there for informational interviews, networking, and job applications. But I know I have to do it, so I started this week. My struggles are:
-- no structure. I indulged myself the first couple months and just did whatever I felt like. Now I'm sleeping in, surfing the web looking at dumb internet stuff, and spending time worrying instead of acting.
-- negative thoughts. My thoughts turn to "I'm not of any value because I'm not producing anything" "No one will want to hire me" "I'll never find what I want, and employers will judge me harshly for what I'm expecting/asking for" etc etc. None of these things are true, but they crop up anyway.
I realize some of this is a mild depression, so I'm trying to step up my exercise and reach out socially (SR helps a lot, and also calling friends or planning an outing). I'm also trying to stay mindful of the negative thoughts and notice them, then do something (take some positive action, go for a walk, set up a meeting, etc).
Any thoughts on navigating this? Ways you've found a balance between structure and non-structure in your day? Ways to deal with those negative thoughts about self?
I'm so grateful to the people on SR ... this community has been so helpful to me.
In June, the firm I worked for merged with a larger firm. I was offered a job with the new firm, but decided to take a break (after 10 yrs), and make some kind of change. The first couple months I just rested, exercised a lot, and recuperated from years of overtime. Now I'm trying to start up the process of finding employment, and it's gotten uncomfortable.
I'm not going to drink over it, no matter what, because I'm a non-drinker now.
But my mood hasn't been great the last week or two, and I need to step up my self-care. I'm SO lucky in that there's not a huge time pressure -- we keep our overhead really low, so my husband's job can cover things until I sort this out. There are lots of jobs available and I have solid skills (accounting) but I'm looking for something kind of particular in terms of hours, location, type of work. I am very introverted and it's a real challenge for me to put myself out there for informational interviews, networking, and job applications. But I know I have to do it, so I started this week. My struggles are:
-- no structure. I indulged myself the first couple months and just did whatever I felt like. Now I'm sleeping in, surfing the web looking at dumb internet stuff, and spending time worrying instead of acting.
-- negative thoughts. My thoughts turn to "I'm not of any value because I'm not producing anything" "No one will want to hire me" "I'll never find what I want, and employers will judge me harshly for what I'm expecting/asking for" etc etc. None of these things are true, but they crop up anyway.
I realize some of this is a mild depression, so I'm trying to step up my exercise and reach out socially (SR helps a lot, and also calling friends or planning an outing). I'm also trying to stay mindful of the negative thoughts and notice them, then do something (take some positive action, go for a walk, set up a meeting, etc).
Any thoughts on navigating this? Ways you've found a balance between structure and non-structure in your day? Ways to deal with those negative thoughts about self?
I'm so grateful to the people on SR ... this community has been so helpful to me.
Human
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Earth
Posts: 183
First....always breathe. Those deep breaths in and slow breaths out have miraculously helped me through many a stressful work moment. I used to roll my eyes at such advice, but struggling with GAD has led to testing many methods 
The negative thoughts take real effort to put off, and I know that, but going in really try to make the effort to punch them down. You don't know what to expect, but your brain is trained to think of that as a bad thing. It isn't always! New people usually have to work their way up, so remember not to take that personally.
Before you start the new job, try to get yourself into some sort of routine. Doesn't have to be the exact work routine, but you can try to get up at the same time every morning for a few days, then start setting a bedtime, etc. Maye make a plan to take a walk every day an hour after you get up, etc, your body will start to learn to be awake and anticipate focusing.
In the interviews, keep in mind that not everyone is outgoing and these employers deal with all kinds of personalities. They're just doing their job, so they have to be forceful...but they know how to interpret different personalities and reactions. And not getting a job doesn't mean you were of no value or not good enough; just means maybe you weren't a good fit for that specific spot. Which in the end is less emotional stress to deal with for you, had you ended up in a job you weren't right for.
GOOD LUCK! I hope this helps in some way. Keep us updated!
The negative thoughts take real effort to put off, and I know that, but going in really try to make the effort to punch them down. You don't know what to expect, but your brain is trained to think of that as a bad thing. It isn't always! New people usually have to work their way up, so remember not to take that personally.
Before you start the new job, try to get yourself into some sort of routine. Doesn't have to be the exact work routine, but you can try to get up at the same time every morning for a few days, then start setting a bedtime, etc. Maye make a plan to take a walk every day an hour after you get up, etc, your body will start to learn to be awake and anticipate focusing.
In the interviews, keep in mind that not everyone is outgoing and these employers deal with all kinds of personalities. They're just doing their job, so they have to be forceful...but they know how to interpret different personalities and reactions. And not getting a job doesn't mean you were of no value or not good enough; just means maybe you weren't a good fit for that specific spot. Which in the end is less emotional stress to deal with for you, had you ended up in a job you weren't right for.
GOOD LUCK! I hope this helps in some way. Keep us updated!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Sounds like a great opportunity to me, and coming here for help - reaching out for help in general - is a great idea.
Perhaps it's the lack of structure that's contributing too? And if so there's nothing to stop you from adding some structure back in - but on YOUR terms. If you use computers a lot, maybe set up a schedule and block off a few hours each day specifically for tasks like searching for jobs, working on your resume, etc. It doesn't have to be all day long, but getting sucked into the internet is a problem for me too, and it doesn't take long to start "vegging out".
You obviously have skills that are marketable, and I'm certain that once you start applying/getting your name out there you will find many opportunities. Best of luck!
Perhaps it's the lack of structure that's contributing too? And if so there's nothing to stop you from adding some structure back in - but on YOUR terms. If you use computers a lot, maybe set up a schedule and block off a few hours each day specifically for tasks like searching for jobs, working on your resume, etc. It doesn't have to be all day long, but getting sucked into the internet is a problem for me too, and it doesn't take long to start "vegging out".
You obviously have skills that are marketable, and I'm certain that once you start applying/getting your name out there you will find many opportunities. Best of luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
I could really use some support.
I have a bad habit of not being very transparent about my needs and vulnerabilities ... presenting a good front, looking like I've got my stuff together.
But honestly, this past week, I'm having mild anxiety attacks (feel a tightness in my throat, which is a longstanding sign of anxiety for me) and attacks of negative thoughts (like first thought when I wake up i ts, "what a mess, you're not getting anywhere, nobody's going to want you"). I feel a lot of fear.
The fear is not real, because I will be OK, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it. Not used to this, especially not since getting sober two years ago.
I have a bad habit of not being very transparent about my needs and vulnerabilities ... presenting a good front, looking like I've got my stuff together.
But honestly, this past week, I'm having mild anxiety attacks (feel a tightness in my throat, which is a longstanding sign of anxiety for me) and attacks of negative thoughts (like first thought when I wake up i ts, "what a mess, you're not getting anywhere, nobody's going to want you"). I feel a lot of fear.
The fear is not real, because I will be OK, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it. Not used to this, especially not since getting sober two years ago.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Hello Tursiops
It makes sense that your emotional life is now more visible to you, and that it packs more of a punch. All I was ever used to doing was something, anything, to make discomfort go away. The options now? Well to sit with, observe, and not to resist it. So today I feel rubbish. OK, I can feel rubbish, and still send out my CV/paint the fence/walk the dog/call someone who needs to talk etc. Mind, these may not feel like credible actions if I put them in line with my thinking, but whoever said I need to believe what I'm thinking? They're just thoughts, and have only as much credibility and status as I give them. Doesn't make any of it true. One of the wisest things ever said to me, when I was in a state of high anxiety, was I hear you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It really is all there is.
In practical terms on the job front, I'm an introvert too, and it took me a long time to get this. I fall flat on my face without preparation. And I don't mean the kind of preparation a more extroverted type may get through on, because under pressure, I go blank, rather than have the ability to come up with something. Nope, it's completely blank. So, I prepare, and go for interviews for jobs I don't even want just for practice. And I needed practice. On the advice of a friend, who gently suggested I put some work in, a penny dropped. So I sat and I wrote out answer after answer to potential interview questions. For any presentations I needed to do, I went over it so many times, my cats knew it word for word too (and suggested a few improvements :-)) This I need to do every time, all the time. It's how I work, and doing it, that work of preparation, I feel more able to engage with this stuff of life I find most challenging, maybe a little like you do? Made me feel a whole heap better reading some of Susan Cain's work (she has an excellent TED talk if you google) and an article she wrote about presenting for introverts that cited Malcolm Gladwell (who I'd count as a pretty intelligent, insightful and engaging specimen) as preparing for presentations by memorising every single word he wanted to say. See that, I understand, as respecting who we are, and working with it, rather than resisting it. Same with thoughts; I work better if I just say 'OK, feeling like c**p today; and registering and acknowledging it, rather than convince myself I ought to be feeling differently. I don't. So what? The feeling differently usually arises when I give the nod to whatever is happening emotionally, and then get on with something (literally anything! See list above :-)) and somewhere in the flow of that, the emotion I was so wrapped up in, has evaporated, it's gone. My experience is that action helps, just any practical action, without for example, turning your job search into the search for the perfect job (been there!) or taking your thoughts too seriously (and that does not by the way preclude seeking professional help if you are finding your anxiety levels are getting in the way of day to day life). Tread lightly, be gentle to yourself. Sobriety at it's most liberating is a loose cloak, providing the freedom for us to be who we were meant to be.
Wish you well in your journey toward a new job, and everything in between.
It makes sense that your emotional life is now more visible to you, and that it packs more of a punch. All I was ever used to doing was something, anything, to make discomfort go away. The options now? Well to sit with, observe, and not to resist it. So today I feel rubbish. OK, I can feel rubbish, and still send out my CV/paint the fence/walk the dog/call someone who needs to talk etc. Mind, these may not feel like credible actions if I put them in line with my thinking, but whoever said I need to believe what I'm thinking? They're just thoughts, and have only as much credibility and status as I give them. Doesn't make any of it true. One of the wisest things ever said to me, when I was in a state of high anxiety, was I hear you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It really is all there is.
In practical terms on the job front, I'm an introvert too, and it took me a long time to get this. I fall flat on my face without preparation. And I don't mean the kind of preparation a more extroverted type may get through on, because under pressure, I go blank, rather than have the ability to come up with something. Nope, it's completely blank. So, I prepare, and go for interviews for jobs I don't even want just for practice. And I needed practice. On the advice of a friend, who gently suggested I put some work in, a penny dropped. So I sat and I wrote out answer after answer to potential interview questions. For any presentations I needed to do, I went over it so many times, my cats knew it word for word too (and suggested a few improvements :-)) This I need to do every time, all the time. It's how I work, and doing it, that work of preparation, I feel more able to engage with this stuff of life I find most challenging, maybe a little like you do? Made me feel a whole heap better reading some of Susan Cain's work (she has an excellent TED talk if you google) and an article she wrote about presenting for introverts that cited Malcolm Gladwell (who I'd count as a pretty intelligent, insightful and engaging specimen) as preparing for presentations by memorising every single word he wanted to say. See that, I understand, as respecting who we are, and working with it, rather than resisting it. Same with thoughts; I work better if I just say 'OK, feeling like c**p today; and registering and acknowledging it, rather than convince myself I ought to be feeling differently. I don't. So what? The feeling differently usually arises when I give the nod to whatever is happening emotionally, and then get on with something (literally anything! See list above :-)) and somewhere in the flow of that, the emotion I was so wrapped up in, has evaporated, it's gone. My experience is that action helps, just any practical action, without for example, turning your job search into the search for the perfect job (been there!) or taking your thoughts too seriously (and that does not by the way preclude seeking professional help if you are finding your anxiety levels are getting in the way of day to day life). Tread lightly, be gentle to yourself. Sobriety at it's most liberating is a loose cloak, providing the freedom for us to be who we were meant to be.
Wish you well in your journey toward a new job, and everything in between.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
oh Pipefish, thank you so much! You are so speaking my language 
Excellent suggestion about preparing interview answers. If I look back, any time I've had to do presentations or had a critical discussion coming up, I did exactly that --- write out a full set of answers to questions that might come up. As you point out, there's a double benefit -- it prepares me better for what's coming up, and it also gives me a productive "action" I can take right now. Both of those things should help reduce my anxiety.
And you're quite right about acceptance/acknowledgement of feelings ... just acknowledging and accepting that I feel out of sorts, and carrying on gently with my day and the tasks I need to do anyway.
I had read Susan Cain's book but I will watch her TED talk for additional inspiration.
Thank you so much, you've really helped me.
Excellent suggestion about preparing interview answers. If I look back, any time I've had to do presentations or had a critical discussion coming up, I did exactly that --- write out a full set of answers to questions that might come up. As you point out, there's a double benefit -- it prepares me better for what's coming up, and it also gives me a productive "action" I can take right now. Both of those things should help reduce my anxiety.
And you're quite right about acceptance/acknowledgement of feelings ... just acknowledging and accepting that I feel out of sorts, and carrying on gently with my day and the tasks I need to do anyway.
I had read Susan Cain's book but I will watch her TED talk for additional inspiration.
Thank you so much, you've really helped me.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, Tursiops,
Years ago, I did a fairly brief stint working for a subsidiary of a Fortune 500 company, one that was failing. Sure enough, about half my colleagues and I were laid off. One of the nice things, though, was that the company sent us to a Cadillac job transition program.
It's OK to spend time surfing the 'net for stuff and sleeping later. If you can create a schedule for yourself, it'll help a lot. Perhaps from 10 a.m. to noon and 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., you can only do stuff related to your search. Another thing I'd recommend is getting out of the house. Can you take your laptop to a coffee shop or the library to do the search-related stuff? It'll feel more formal.
An important thing I learned was that you need to start Mondays as if you're working. Because you are -- you're working at finding a new job. We had meetings at the job transition program every Monday morning and one of our assignments was to chart out how we would commit time during the week to activities related to our job search.
I found it very helpful. Beyond looking for and applying for jobs, one of our tasks was to network and set up informational interviews at various employers. This is a tactic I recommend highly. I was fortunate in that I was working again within a couple months, but the informational interviewing proved helpful. Although I had accepted a new job, one of the companies I did an informational interview with called me back soon thereafter when they had an opening and another did several months later. And I only did three informational interviews, in part because I found something pretty quickly and because my unemployment coincided with the holidays. But when you consider that two of the three companies wanted me to come back when they had openings, I think it attests to what informational interviewing can accomplish.
All the best to you. I've been there and it's not easy. Hang in there.
Years ago, I did a fairly brief stint working for a subsidiary of a Fortune 500 company, one that was failing. Sure enough, about half my colleagues and I were laid off. One of the nice things, though, was that the company sent us to a Cadillac job transition program.
It's OK to spend time surfing the 'net for stuff and sleeping later. If you can create a schedule for yourself, it'll help a lot. Perhaps from 10 a.m. to noon and 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., you can only do stuff related to your search. Another thing I'd recommend is getting out of the house. Can you take your laptop to a coffee shop or the library to do the search-related stuff? It'll feel more formal.
An important thing I learned was that you need to start Mondays as if you're working. Because you are -- you're working at finding a new job. We had meetings at the job transition program every Monday morning and one of our assignments was to chart out how we would commit time during the week to activities related to our job search.
I found it very helpful. Beyond looking for and applying for jobs, one of our tasks was to network and set up informational interviews at various employers. This is a tactic I recommend highly. I was fortunate in that I was working again within a couple months, but the informational interviewing proved helpful. Although I had accepted a new job, one of the companies I did an informational interview with called me back soon thereafter when they had an opening and another did several months later. And I only did three informational interviews, in part because I found something pretty quickly and because my unemployment coincided with the holidays. But when you consider that two of the three companies wanted me to come back when they had openings, I think it attests to what informational interviewing can accomplish.
All the best to you. I've been there and it's not easy. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
The other thing I'd recommend is that you resist the temptation to dress in sweats and t-shirts. When you get up in the morning, put on your makeup and fix your hair. Go to the library/coffee shop for your job-hunting time looking like you're going to work on casual Friday.
It's going to be OK, Tursiops.
It's going to be OK, Tursiops.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
Venecia, thank you so much. These are very helpful suggestions. Today I started drafting a "schedule" for next week to add some structure to each day. I got out of the house yesterday and today and noticed my mood is better, so that's going into the plan too -- put on real clothes and go somewhere every day, even briefly.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Originally Posted by Venecia 
Hi, Tursiops,
An important thing I learned was that you need to start Mondays as if you're working. Because you are -- you're working at finding a new job. We had meetings at the job transition program every Monday morning and one of our assignments was to chart out how we would commit time during the week to activities related to our job search.
An important thing I learned was that you need to start Mondays as if you're working. Because you are -- you're working at finding a new job. We had meetings at the job transition program every Monday morning and one of our assignments was to chart out how we would commit time during the week to activities related to our job search.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 214
Oddly enough I turned myself into a Gardner. Every day I would wake up and go outside with a cup of coffee and do nothing but landscaping my yard. It did not matter to me exactly what I was doing as long as I had something to do each day. Spent about a month. It was amazingly therapeutic. Good exercise too! After that I got back into the real world again.
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thanks talkinandwalkin ... nature is very healing, time in the garden is a good prescription.
Update ... I'm generally feeling better. I managed to kick up my efforts, and every day last week I had either a real life networking appointment, a phone interview, or coffee with a friend. I have some good leads now and that has helped a lot. I still have a lot of anxiety, but I think for that I just need to keep exercising, breathing, and keep pursuing my networking efforts.
Thanks for the support.
Update ... I'm generally feeling better. I managed to kick up my efforts, and every day last week I had either a real life networking appointment, a phone interview, or coffee with a friend. I have some good leads now and that has helped a lot. I still have a lot of anxiety, but I think for that I just need to keep exercising, breathing, and keep pursuing my networking efforts.
Thanks for the support.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Tops - recently the hierarchy of needs popped up on my radar which I took some time and became reacquainted. One of those needs is purpose. This is something I really seek out often not having huge success lately.
Part of this for me is what was of interest has changed markedly. The "things" that satisfied simply are shadows today, mostly. Money, time fillers and pointless projects. I started on a course of passage meditation which I find slow the world way down and brings life into focus with a sense of purpose. It's not perfect, cause I am just a beginner but it does indeed help at times.
You come such a long way and always share from the heart. Just wanted to share my ESH today, for both of us!
Part of this for me is what was of interest has changed markedly. The "things" that satisfied simply are shadows today, mostly. Money, time fillers and pointless projects. I started on a course of passage meditation which I find slow the world way down and brings life into focus with a sense of purpose. It's not perfect, cause I am just a beginner but it does indeed help at times.
You come such a long way and always share from the heart. Just wanted to share my ESH today, for both of us!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Fly, thank you for sharing your ESH -- you helped me today. 
You know I'm a voracious reader, so now I've added passage meditation to my reading list.
The issue of purpose is key, and definitely in the forefront for me. I'm grateful today that enough of my other needs are met that I can even begin to consider my purpose! And grateful to have a sober mind and heart with which to consider it.
You know I'm a voracious reader, so now I've added passage meditation to my reading list.The issue of purpose is key, and definitely in the forefront for me. I'm grateful today that enough of my other needs are met that I can even begin to consider my purpose! And grateful to have a sober mind and heart with which to consider it.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I came across this gent a year or so back. Eknath Easwaran | Blue Mountain Center of Meditation & Nilgiri Press
He brought passage meditation to the States ='Cali back in 60's
I have a few of his books - Timeless Wisdom is a fav. These folks also have free webinars available.
Best of luck Tops - you're such a huge asset here and I imagine 3D :-)
He brought passage meditation to the States ='Cali back in 60's
I have a few of his books - Timeless Wisdom is a fav. These folks also have free webinars available.
Best of luck Tops - you're such a huge asset here and I imagine 3D :-)
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Oak Creek, WI
Posts: 517
I would agree with all the suggestions given. Having been unemployed for almost a year, I can totally relate. If I didn't have a set schedule I found myself surfing the net, on facebook, etc, And if I didn't actually get dressed every day, and out makeup on, I found myself in sweats, and not showering everyday.
Once I came up with a set schedule every day, and started a new routine it certainly made a difference.
Good luck in your searching!
Once I came up with a set schedule every day, and started a new routine it certainly made a difference.
Good luck in your searching!
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