| MrSmith | 09-08-2016 06:57 PM |
Day 365!!!
1 year today. I have 365 days.
I sit here excited and amazed, like others who have posted here before, I never thought that there was any way that I could do this. As my drinking progressed, I had totally convinced myself that I was in control, that I didn't have a problem, and that I was choosing to drink each and every day because I wanted to, not because I was addicted.
Then, for the 3 millionth time, I hit rock bottom in my marriage, with my kids, and in my life. I realized (for some reason) that this time, enough was enough. I was tired of waking up each morning with a sick feeling in my stomach. I hated that the first thing I thought when I opened my eyes in the morning was "did I mess up last night?" Did I say something horrible to my wife? At times, I would wake up and my adrenal glands would empty because I just couldn't remember. Even if I hadn't done anything wrong, I wasn't sure. I would say something to my wife to try to gauge her mood without letting her know that I didn't remember or really know what happened in an effort to see if she was upset with me.
Every morning, I would have that conversation where I would say unequivocally to myself that I knew that I wasn't going to drink "that much" today. But, of course, I would - again and again.
Just like many of you, the first few weeks were difficult. I had all of the symptoms you would expect as my brain and body got used to the fact that my brain wasn't being marinated with Vodka anymore on a daily basis. I remember the moment that I first noticed the sky, and how everything around me seemed so bright and colorful and new.
I also remember having moments where I felt really sad. Like a good friend had died or like my girlfriend in high school had broken up with me. I was mourning the loss of my daily pint of vodka. I would get sad because I knew I could never have another drink again. How crazy is that? I remember crazy insomnia, the weird dreams, and the feelings of total embarrassment and regret as I fully embraced how crazy stupid I had been. I remember just having an overwhelming feeling of despair, even though I knew without a doubt that drinking was the source of 99.9% of all of my marital problems, I still missed it.
I would have moments of intense craving that I would just have to endure. I would also have to feel. Feel real emotions that I could do nothing about but just sit with and fully know. It was a crazy time.
Slowly, though, the clouds lifted, the cravings subsided, and I could go to sleep without any sleeping pills. My relationship with my wife started to heal and grow again. We would laugh together, sit and talk at dinner, and I would actually hear her. She had many moments where she would get afraid that I had slipped. If I deviated from my normal schedule in any way by stopping at the grocery store on the way home, or if I stopped to get my oil changed in my car where I would normally come straight home, she would call all panicked and convinced that I had messed up my sobriety. I learned that the best response to her was to simply be very explicit and forthcoming about exactly where I was and what I was doing. I owed her at least that much. I needed to reassure her completely until she was satisfied.
We are back now, high school sweethearts that have beaten the odds.
I have lost 55 pounds - stopped having to take blood pressure medicine, high cholesterol medicine, anti-depressants, and I have stopped having sleep apnea where I had to sleep with a mask on during my drunken stupor sleep. I am a totally new person who now has 1 year!
I normally don't post this much, but today is special and I hope that it will encourage someone else to take that first step or even that 365th step to remain sober. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope. Thanks for listening. How many days do you have? How is it going for you today?
Now onward and forward towards day 730... | 