Lonliness (Also life update)

Old 08-30-2016, 07:00 PM
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Lonliness (Also life update)

I've made quite a few threads on this site. As I'm sure many of you have. I've been a member since 2012, although my sobriety does not go that far back.

My last thread was about how I was going to homeless. Well, I did it. I lived out of my car for about 2 weeks. After putting out close to 50 applications, I got a call asking to interview. I went to the interview and killed it. The next week I was offered the job. They beat my salary expectations. I didn't negotiate as this was my first job out of college.

This has been my first week starting there. I've worked towards this goal for 3 years. I should be ecstatic. I remember the day I was offered the job I was jumping up and down in the parking lot I was in. This is the place I want to be.

I'm now in a secure position and finally reached my goal, but it still feels like something is missing. I've never been close to my family because of emotional abuse growing up. So, I don't know what its like for your family to always have your back. No matter how much they try to make up for it, it just can't make up for my childhood.

I've been talking to a few girls here and there, but none of them meet my expectations. I went on two awesome dates with this really nice teacher. We instantly clicked. I thought it was going somewhere and I got my hopes up. We met on a dating site, but I stopped checking it the day after our first date. Because I felt like we would develop into something. Well, I logged off and checked it yesterday and it turns out she has still been logging in everyday since our 2nd date.

We are supposed to make dinner together Thursday, but I don't feel as great about it. I wanted to bring her flowers and make it official, but I don't feel it anymore. I was ready to make it official after the 3rd date, but not when she's checking the dating site daily.

At this point I know I need to focus on my career, and being the best I can do at it. I plan to start my graduate degree in 6 months once tuition assistance from my employer kicks in. Coming from my family background, I can't help but feel I'm missing something though. I've had so many bad relationships, and been cheated on multiple times.

Am I looking in the wrong places? I've heard if you are looking you won't find the person. But, I'm not getting any younger. And if you aren't moving ahead, you're getting behind. I wanted to get back into chess, maybe I just need to focus on my career and hobbies I enjoy.

I'm looking for advice. As always, I appreciate the input.
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:23 PM
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2 or 3 dates is way too early to assume things are official. Especially if you met from a dating site. You will scare girls off if you think like that. Just chill out and keep dating her. If it's meant to be, things will happen
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:23 PM
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You've had three dates and had plans for a fourth and you want it to become serious already? It sounds like she's keeping her options open and you should be, too...leaping into relationships doesn't usually turn out well because you haven't had time to really get to know the person.

Give it more time, yes?

And congratulations on your new job!
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:26 PM
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Not serious, but exclusive. I don't want to jump into anything. But, I don't want to see a girl that wants to keep all her options open even though things are going good.
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:40 PM
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Originally Posted by SlickRick07 View Post
Not serious, but exclusive. I don't want to jump into anything. But, I don't want to see a girl that wants to keep all her options open even though things are going good.
Don't be fooled by my Bill Murray avatar, I am a female. If you feel so strongly about this, then take a risk and tell her you want to see each other exclusively. It's possible she is waiting for you to make your intentions clear before she gets her hopes up. At a minimum, it will get her thinking about it.

Don't freak out if she is not ready. Just chill and get to know her better.

As for the job, of course you need to give it your all. What you are missing is the affirmation of your parents. I can relate because both of my parents were dead by the time I finished college and started my first professional job. I had to find the strength and affirmation from within to soldier on.
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Old 08-30-2016, 08:43 PM
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now's the time
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Keep in mind that women receive a lot more contacts on those sites than men do. I get a handful of messages every day, and dozens of notifications, and most of the sites I've used don't let you even see what they say or who they're from without logging in.

It's entirely possible she's just as excited about you, so don't jump to conclusions! Half the time I'm logging in just to find an inbox full of copy-paste pick up lines.

Congrats on the job. That's wonderful news!
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Old 08-31-2016, 12:28 AM
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Also keep in mind that she might be logging in to see if you've logged in since your date. It goes both ways. Just tell her how you feel.
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Old 08-31-2016, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by mcm19 View Post
Also keep in mind that she might be logging in to see if you've logged in since your date. It goes both ways. Just tell her how you feel.
Or to see if you've sent her a message
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Old 08-31-2016, 08:36 AM
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Screw relationships. If you're like me, you'll screw it up or just get hurt. Get a cat. Or a turtle... they're less judgmental.
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Old 08-31-2016, 08:36 AM
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I'd let this go, agree you sound like you could scare her away. I've been in that boat before, I told a guy I wanted to slow down and he freaked out in a scary way. Buh bye! (Had he handled it gracefully I would have wanted to continue seeing him...)
Go ahead and Bring her flowers, what a kind gesture and it will set you apart!
Be patient. If you rush things you will come off as desperate which is NOT attractive. Remember you are worth it!
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Old 08-31-2016, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by SlickRick07 View Post
it turns out she has still been logging in everyday since our 2nd date.
An experienced online dater here.. sigh. My first sober year is almost up, and I'll be back online soon.

Anyway: All women (and men) do this. You logged back in too, didn't you?

It doesn't mean anything one way or the other, and trying to analyze it will just drive you crazy. Until you have "the talk" and become exclusive she can and will log into that site and check on things.

Women who date online all have some really crazy stories about guys that seemed nice, then changed all of a sudden. She's not going to just hang up the account after 2 nice dates.

Bottom line: Never ever try to 'read in' to a woman being logged back in to a dating site after you go out, unless you've discussed exclusivity (and don't do that after 2 dates).
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Old 08-31-2016, 10:00 AM
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if your words were from a woman i met on a dating site,or anywhere, and only had a handful of dates with
these words would be serious red flags for me.
and if that woman told me they went on the dating site and was looking at my activity?
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Old 08-31-2016, 06:12 PM
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I will admit, that perhaps I'm taking it a bit far. I've been in relationships before though that we stopped talking to other people after the first date to see where we were going to go. Although, I can't compare future relationships to those of the past.

She did text me today and said she's excited about tomorrow. So, I do plan to grab some flowers before I go to her place. Its the 3rd date, so flowers aren't out of place, and it would be a nice touch. As far as pushing things, I haven't mentioned anything to her. I will see how tomorrow goes, and reassess. If I don't feel like she is pushing it enough, then I'll get back on dating sites.

Well this thread has been about that situation, I mostly meant it for advice on how to avoid being lonely. I totally get that I'm not healthy mentally. I feel socially isolated. All of my friends are either married or have kids so I don't see them. My friend gave me the advice on focusing on hobbies that I enjoy and taking them further. I've felt very off kilter starting this new job. I have so much to learn and I feel a lot of pressure to be social at work to make a good impression. My boss is also one of the VP's so I have the added pressure of always reporting to senior leadership. Its looking like its going to take me a month or more before I'm really able to contribute.
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Old 08-31-2016, 09:04 PM
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Slick, don't be so hard on yourself! Some say it takes a year before a new employee is not a liability and to have a positive impact on bottom line.
Also, I recommend getting a social life, stat! If you don't it will be even easier for you to put unrealistic and demanding expectations on this woman. I'm single and in my upper 30s, so I understand how many folks are not available if they have kids/marriage, but that just means you gotta branch out more. We may not be the majority, but other singles ARE out there.....join a club or just go to AA (I've met many friends there!)
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Old 09-01-2016, 03:40 AM
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We must learn to love ourselves and be okay being alone, no person, no thing can help u s feel okay.
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