Was this really me?

Old 08-28-2016, 08:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
ThatWasTheOldMe's Avatar
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For me personally, my actions while inebriated really were me. But they were a skewed, chemically damaged, extreme version of me that doesn't exist outside of the blurry madness that is alcohol intoxication.
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Old 08-28-2016, 10:06 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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As someone who has done abhorrent things while blacked out, I've done a lot of thinking about this topic.

1. If you drink again, it will happen again. It may be worse than this time.

I've done things that made me shudder with fear, embarrassment, and regret the next day. I swore I would never do that again. It could be a week later, a month later, or a year later, but I always humiliated myself again and hurt others. The most bizarre blackout incident I had I became physically aggressive with someone. I have never been physically aggressive while sober. Not even once.

Why? Because once we take that first drink we don't know if we'll behave ourselves or if we'll blackout and behave terribly.

I went years thinking I would learn to control my drinking. These were the years when I would blackout and do destructive and dangerous things.

2. I don't think it's "us" when we do that.

I've been sober for two years and my friends have forgiven me. This only happened in sobriety.

I think often about the people who wake up from a blackout in a police cell. Somehow I managed to avoid this particular situation. Could you imagine waking up and not even knowing how you got there? Luckily I only woke up having no idea what happened the night before in bed, on the couch, on the floor, and in homes I didn't recognize.

I still shudder at a few blackout episodes from years ago. As long as I'm sober though I'm able to forgive myself.
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Old 08-29-2016, 09:22 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I also shudder at past drunken behaviors. Nothing too horrific, just lots of embarrassment. Telling people about my alcoholism while blacked out (people that don't need to know). Asking random women if they want to date me through Facebook. Making platonic relationships with female friends awkward.

There's also the time I drove from Colorado to Iowa drinking the whole way because I was pissed at a female friend. I could have gotten into a lot of trouble... She's forgiven me for that (I took the car she was using to go to and from work...).

But if I drink, the only thing I am certain of, is that it will end badly. Most likely with a trip to the ER going through horrible withdrawal...

I've been to the ER four times this year. Three out of four were for alcohol withdrawal. The fourth trip was for benzo withdrawal... I took Ativan as directed for a week and 48 hours after the last pill, I got sick. My liver enzymes were off the charts elevated, most likely due to acute alcoholic hepatitis. I'm just one of those people that can't touch mind altering substances.

22 days sober today.
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Old 08-29-2016, 10:02 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 273
Alcohol gives a huge hit of dopamine. It's kind of like the 'go do it' chemical in your brain. You just do the first thing you think of.

There are a lot of times sober when I think of doing something, and then think better of it. Alcohol in the mix means you have less of a chance of thinking better of it. It doesn't say anything too awful about you. Sure, we'd all like the first thing we thought of to be nothing but great ideas, but for most of us our personality comes out from how we consider things when we judge whether or not it's a good idea.

Long story short, everyone acts like an idiot the more they drink. It's a good reason not to drink, if you have trouble controlling how much you drink. I think that's called alcoholism or something crazy.
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Old 08-30-2016, 01:53 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I usually, at least for the last several years, just drank at home, didn't leave the house so much when drunk. I didn't get violent at home but I would get vicious verbally with my wife. Once I chased my mother in law around the house, though, that was out of character. I think I was trying to chase her away and she wanted to call the cops on me. I used to wake up in the morning and anxiously ask my wife if 'everything was ok' from the night before, because I didn't remember much. I have a lot of gaps in my memory which even makes it difficult to cohesively describe situations and events. Memory of my sons very early life is fragmented, for instance. Like pictures, or snapshots it pops up in my mind.
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