Some people in AA really disappoint me.
 

I've been sober for eight months now. And after my last relapse, I decided to try to do it right and start to participate in AA.

Never having been to Alcoholics Anonymous before, I did not know what to expect. What I found was a lot of people who understood me and we're very welcoming. I found a lot of great advice and good suggestions.

However, I haven't taken some people suggestions as far as how to run my program. Four instance - and I know some of you will cringe and want to lecture me - I don't have a sponsor yet. I'm not opposed to it, I'm just doing really really really well and I'm so happy, I just don't want to yet.

Well, some of the "group gurus" have a really all but stopped talking to me because they know this.

It said time and time again, and it's in writing, that the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.

It just really really agitates me. There is a fine line between giving good advice, and being self-righteous.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Congrats on 8 months Timmy, that's great! There will always be those we disagree with, whether it's at an AA meeting, the office or at home. Try and focus on the people and things that do help and are working for now.

Is there a different meeting you can go to? They aren't all the same, and you might find a more tolerant group if you shop around, whether inside or outside AA.

Aren't there annoying people everywhere though? I have some coworkers that annoy me. I have some family members that annoy me. I realize I must annoy others sometimes.

This annoyed me when I was early in sobriety, but I used to question things about recovery plans and people would tell me I was "trying to do it my way." Then they'd ask "how's that working out for you?" I thought my drinking and craving and deep need for alcohol was stronger for me than them. I truly thought that. Then I'd drink again.

I got sober when I started doing what others did who had sober time.

I also got sober when I was willing to do anything to get sober. Anything.

A support organisation...
 

For whatever is said about the Fellowship,of AA, good, bad or indifferent it exists as a support organisation for 'problem drinkers'....see 'Charlie & Joe's: Big Book Study Meeting'.

If it works for you, great! But you should always remember, the answer lies in the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', no one ever got sober at an AA meeting...though those present, including yourself may share their experience, strength and hope...in my case they never did...

Fortunately Charlie Parmley and Joe McQuany did .... helping me and many, many others...

Hi Timmy, its not uncommon for newcomers to feel as you do, and the oldtimers, if they care about you, will take the trouble to offer guidance, because they've seen it all before and they don't want it to happen to you.

If you appear to reject their suggestions, then the AA program tells them to go and find someone else to work with as they may put you off all together by trying too hard.

The only requirement being a desire to stop drinking is correct as far as AA membership goes. Sobriety is not a requirement for membership, and in my experience sobriety does not come about purely as a result of membership. There are a lot more requirements for sobriety.

I think it is brilliant you are having a good time at the moment. It is common for newcomers to have such experiences. Some call it the pink cloud. I prefer to call it a free sample of what sobriety can be like all the time, a period of God's grace. It is also known as the WOW, window of opportunity and willingness.

It is the best possible time to get on with the steps, most easily done with the help of a sponsor, and lock in sobriety. This is what the oldtimers would love to see. Because we know that one day the window will close, and the obsession will return. And that is the last thing anyone wants to see. Of course the other thing is that nobody knows how long the WOW will last. For me it was about three weeks.

Paricipation in AA can be at the level of attending the fellowship. It may surprise you to discover that the fellowship has a really crap record at getting people sober, at least on a permanent basis.

Participation in AA for permanent recovery is about joining the action on the AA program as a way of life. This can bring about transformational change, a whole new outlook on life, a way of living that is infinitely better than anything we experienced before. This is what I got, it is what many of your oldtimer friends got, and we would like nothing more than for you to get that too.
And in order to keep it, we have to give it away to someone else. Might as well be you.

I'm afraid you just discouraged me further in terms of engaging in AA - thanks for sharing.

Maybe they've just stopped bothering you with their suggestions seeing as you are obviously still set on doing things your own way. You don't need to take it personally. After all, those people go to meetings for their own recovery as much as they do for yours. Sometimes it's hard to remember that those old timers need do go to the meetings for themselves, and sometimes they need to focus on their own sobriety and that's fine.

Sometimes we need to adjust our expectations of people. Disappointment pains us and doesn't make for healthy sobriety. This is where acceptance really comes into play.

did you get along with and agree with all the drunks you were around in the bar?
never ran into that at work or in life?
AA is a perfect program for imperfect alcoholics.

it doesnt matter where ya go,timmy, yer gonna run into people ya dont agree with.
even in church.


maybe it agitates ya because deep down you want to get a sponsor?

This. Identify the people who "have what you want" and basically, be polite but largely ignore the rest. People have a LOT of different motives for being in AA and not all of them are good ones.

Also, re sponsor. I do think it is crucial to have one (a good one!) but I too did not have one for what many would consider a long time. I got my FIRST one at 97 days. She worked me VERY hard through the BB from the index forward. For various reasons to long to go into here (succinctly), I got a 2d sponsor, double dated til I was certain moving on was right, and now have a wonderful and VERY different sponsor (I just hit 6mo). I rely on her a lot but it is a more intuitive relationship than the first and it is right for me now. I would encourage you to find a sponsor when you are "ready" - or almost ready. I believe strongly that sometimes we NEED something (or someone) before we think we need them (it). That's why, for example, I keep taking campral - I don't THINK I need the anti-craving med....but I have no cravings so why not keep taking it if that's a big part of the why to that one?

Stick with AA- you're doing really, really well, as you said, for a bunch of reasons, I bet. That's likely one of them - you ARE getting good stuff from enough people who bolster you even when you don't realize it.

Congrats on all your time!!

I think you will find that everywhere. I am currently 17 days sober thanks to SR and AA. I was struggling with an opiate addiction as well. I really am not into the steps at least not now and may never be. if it weren't for the fellowship of AA I could have never got this far. I go to different meeting which help and generally everyone is nice and caring and helpful but I do get that same sense from the older guru..lol..as you like to call them. even tho new thru my sharing it is pretty easy to pick up that I am the go it my way type.

I just keep telling myself the third tradion and keep trudging along one day at a time

That would be a first for me--to go anywhere where someone, somehow didn't annoy me.

I've been learning to use that as an opportunity to look at myself, like just what is it about them that annoys me so much? Often it's because I had some sort of an expectation; or sometimes I can come to some other unexpected revelation about myself. At the very least, it's another lesson in acceptance and I can try not to mind them so much.

But then that's on my patient days when I'm actually working my program.

I avoided AA like the plague for the 28 years I was in active alcoholism. I either had contempt prior to investigation, or was convinced I'd investigated it all I needed to. Even after I'd failed at everything else I tried to stay sober, I went into AA, consciously or unconsciously, looking for confirmation that it wasn't for me. Was I wrong that AA and it's members have faults that I, if I wanted to, could use to dismiss the program altogether? Sure. Just like with any other group of humans (even SR), you're going to find people who offend you, rub you the wrong way, and irritate you. If you're like most alcoholics, that isn't too difficult to find. :) But if you overlook those faults - we all have them - you may find that not only are those people a lot like you, but you may also learn some things about yourself in the process.

When I first started in AA, I was sober for about 3 months. I did get a sponsor and was going through the motions of working the steps. When I relapsed, I did it in style. I totaled my car and broke my neck. When I went back to my home group meeting, I was in a neck brace, eyes blackened, and a big scab that covered about 1/3 of my head. I noticed right away that some people were standoffish. Some who had been friendly with me before would barely even look at me. That hurt a lot and I felt rejected. Was it right for them to act that way toward me? Maybe not. Can I understand why they did? If I try seeing from their perspective, yes I can.

But I decided I wanted to get and stay sober more than I wanted to make friends. At 16 months sober, I do have friends in AA. It took some time to cultivate those friendships, just like it does with most human interaction. I urge you to not give up on the program if you are finding that it is helping. Don't expect perfection out of anyone, least of all yourself. "Progress, not perfection."

Great work on 8 months!! HUGE!!

Don't let those folks live in your head rent free!

Thanks for this post. I also battle with AA. I do have a sponsor who is very nice but more interested in catching up on gossip with friends at our step work meetings. I religiously completed the first set of questions after our first meeting and she has not looked at one answer yet. At the actual AA meetings we have the same old timers telling the same old stories of their drunken days over and over every week. No substance for a newcomer like me. Having said that I am 99 days sober so perhaps just attending does the trick.

Have you tried some different meetings? The ones you're going to don't sound very solution focussed. I've been to some like that and didn't find them massively helpful in the long term. Big Book study or 12 and 12 study meetings or similar are often good because there is a specific focus, and people can't just drift back to their war stories . They also really, massively helped me to get my head round the step work.

Have you asked your sponsor to look at your written step work? It might need some prompting if she's that laid back. I suppose their job is to guide us, not chivvy us along, so perhaps she doesn't want to hassle you. Thing is, if you've done step 1, there is little to be gained by hanging around for step 2 &3 etc. Not unless the sponsee is actually struggling with conceding to their alcoholic status and the unmanageability the alcoholic drinking brings to their life. If you were choosing a sponsor now, would you still choose her?

At each meeting I attended and when
I eventually felt like I learned enough
lessons in recovery and AA, I always
begin with introducing myself and say,
Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Family did an intervention on me yrs
ago back in 8-1990 where they did for
me what I certainly wasn't capable of
doing for my own self. Getting help to
understand my addiction, what it was,
what was causing me to drink and not
being able to control it.

They were able to place me into the
care of those knowledgeable about
addiction and teach me a program
of recovery or plant a seed of this
AA program filled with steps and
principles to incorporate and live
by in my everyday life one day at
a time that I chose not to drink.

In my 28 day rehab experience,
before I was released, it was suggested
for me to ask several people to become
my temporary sponsor. Not permanent,
but temporary till I felt comfortable asking
for one to be permanent.

It scared the heck out of me to walk
up to a stranger and ask, but realized
the lesson asked of me to complete
in order to move forward.

One lady who picked me up to
go outside the facility and drive
us to an AA meeting became the
one who I wanted to pattern my
recovery life after.

Anyway, once I returned home,
to my marriage and children, I
began my new sober life completing
my 6 week outpatient program
and attending many many meetings
because it was the only place I felt
safe and secured amongst others
learning to remain sober each day
and were very similar to me in the
way that we all have a common
problem and would be using the
same solution and program to listen,
learn, absorb and apply in all our
affairs.

It took me along time before I was
able to actually feel comfortable
around all these total strangers,
yet I continued to suit up and show
up because I needed to stay connected
to my recovery lifeline.

I learned a lot from my sponsor in
the way she was very well liked and
accepted amongst her peers, family
and recovery members. It was by her
unselfishness, kindness, committement
to recovery and service work that made
me admire and respect her that I wanted
more than anything.

I learned to bake many wonderful
foods to bring to my many meetings
which folks sooooo enjoyed to go
along with their coffee. It also allowed
me to get out of my selfishness or
selfseeking thoughts or behaviors.

For a long time I repeated this process,
remaining sober but never stayed long
once the meetings were over. I did my
part each day then returned to my family.

So many at these meetings would stand
together before or after meetings to
chit chat but I gathered my belongings
and hurried back to my car filled with
so much anxiety.

So many of these folks were either
career, working folks where as I often
felt like a meer child, and was an at home
mom with nothing in common to speak with
around them, so I left hurriedly.

I went to speaker meetings where
I could just sit and listen. I went to
step and big book studies, passed
sometimes when reading and again
hurried home.

Over time I had acquired some AA recovery
time behind me, relocated, divorced, went
thru many many changes in my life
remaining sober to get me to where
I am today.

This recovery journey didn't happen
over night, yet all these one days at
a time sober has given me more strength,
wisdom and courage to continue living
life accepting people, places and things
just as they are meant to be without
question.

Im not one to have to be in the middle
of everyone in recovery. My recovery
life belongs to me and I live it by following
the steps and all that was taught to me
over the yrs by many of those who learned
themselves how to remain sober each day.

Not all those ive come across in my
life are perfect and neither and I. I
often take what I want or need in life
and recovery that will further me along
in my own journey and leave the rest.

No 2 people work the same exact program
so no one is placed on a pedestal. Folks have
paved the way for me to follow using the AA
program of recovery as well as other means
of a successful recovery program to help.

If you live with kindness, caringness,
understanding, honesty, sobriety
and other awesome qualities in life,
then that is what id want too for myself
even if our paths never cross in person. :)

i read your title and said: "of course!"
they're people.
ordinary people. all sorts.
why wouldn't they disappoint you? what are your expectations when you go into a room full of people?

glad you're doing well. since there are suggestions from long-sober people you're not interested in following and don't want to do the sponsor guidance through the step-stuff, i'm guessing it's the fellowship you're there for?
nothing wrong with that, but it is not the suggested program of recovery.
just pointing that out. it's likely the reason why the "oldtimers" aren't interested much in spending time...you've made it clear you're not interested in what they're offering.

nothing wrong with any of that.

and nothing to be disappointed about.

For starters, you could have posted this in the AA site. Not saying, you're not going to get a reply you can relate to on the alcoholism site though.
I try to offer suggestions only when asked at a meeting or, to a member outside the rooms.

I understand where you're coming from. In my own personal experience, it wasn't bad advice given me, it was the messenger.

Grats on the 8 months

I would not continue to attend meetings, nor do I read posts much that offer advice. I have zero understanding of anyone's particular circumstances and have no MD, PHD or EIEIO after my name. I am not qualified.

I am highly qualified however to do one thing only - share my experiences and my story. What it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

For me the Big Book of AA is the only program. There's not fly's way......there's the common solution to a common problem = alcoholism. The instructions are the (including forward's) first 164 pages of the Book. Chapter 5 doesn't say How it works in Fly's program - it states This is How It works.

There a three part solution - Unity/Recovery/Service to a tri-fold problem - one of body, mind and spirit.

Unity = the fellowship/meetings.

My journey is my own. If I choose to work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I become intimately engaged in the instructions as all others who work the program do.

I had never been to Costa Rica until a few years back. I did listen to others stories about this grand place but I also looked at a map and let the airlines take me there..........

Best of luck to us all on our journey's