Struggling, suceeding, but struggling :-(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Struggling, suceeding, but struggling :-(
So.
Over the past year I progressed from the odd binge to weekend binges to daily drinking in the past month and 1/2 or so. I was drinking about a bottle of wine and 1 to 3 tall beers. Perhaps not as much as some but definitely alcoholism level. I made the choice to quite a number of days back because I was just feeling like crap every day. I didn't get hangovers but would go into withdrawal every day around 1pm and felt like utter crap till I drank again that night.
What I had forgotten was there was a reason I started in the first place and while the alcohol had become a self perpetuating thing it was also covering up my life long emotional struggles. Well it's not quite truthful to say I forgot, I have been depressed and anxious my whole life, but stopping has brought the full force of those feeling back and I'm struggling to stay sober.
In truth today is my first true 100% sober day as I just poured the beer that I was going to have down the sink now. I had tapered from the bottle of wine and 1-3 beers mentioned above down to 1 beer a night. But was struggling with stopping that. I just made a snap decision to pour that one away. But it was a snap decision that felt more like "should I go get more and go back to being hammered"? .... "NO, dammit pour it out". And the truth is I still feel the former a lot.
I hate my life. In truth I'm spoiled and financially enabled by my parents and have a dream life compared to most. However I also have few friends, keep to myself to such a degree that I don't know what a relationship is even life (I'm 34). I've wasted the past 14 years of my life. I'm too emotionally tired to even list all the sh!t I hate about myself right now even though most of it is probably nothing compared to what others have gone through.
I'm struggling to find a reason to remain sober. In the back of my head I keep thinking, yeah you will end up killing yourself that way. But then a voice comes in and says, and yeah so what it's not like your life has any purpose now, and you are only hurting yourself. Truthfully though I'd be hurting my parents too. Just struggling to find a reason. :-(
Over the past year I progressed from the odd binge to weekend binges to daily drinking in the past month and 1/2 or so. I was drinking about a bottle of wine and 1 to 3 tall beers. Perhaps not as much as some but definitely alcoholism level. I made the choice to quite a number of days back because I was just feeling like crap every day. I didn't get hangovers but would go into withdrawal every day around 1pm and felt like utter crap till I drank again that night.
What I had forgotten was there was a reason I started in the first place and while the alcohol had become a self perpetuating thing it was also covering up my life long emotional struggles. Well it's not quite truthful to say I forgot, I have been depressed and anxious my whole life, but stopping has brought the full force of those feeling back and I'm struggling to stay sober.
In truth today is my first true 100% sober day as I just poured the beer that I was going to have down the sink now. I had tapered from the bottle of wine and 1-3 beers mentioned above down to 1 beer a night. But was struggling with stopping that. I just made a snap decision to pour that one away. But it was a snap decision that felt more like "should I go get more and go back to being hammered"? .... "NO, dammit pour it out". And the truth is I still feel the former a lot.
I hate my life. In truth I'm spoiled and financially enabled by my parents and have a dream life compared to most. However I also have few friends, keep to myself to such a degree that I don't know what a relationship is even life (I'm 34). I've wasted the past 14 years of my life. I'm too emotionally tired to even list all the sh!t I hate about myself right now even though most of it is probably nothing compared to what others have gone through.
I'm struggling to find a reason to remain sober. In the back of my head I keep thinking, yeah you will end up killing yourself that way. But then a voice comes in and says, and yeah so what it's not like your life has any purpose now, and you are only hurting yourself. Truthfully though I'd be hurting my parents too. Just struggling to find a reason. :-(
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I think one of the best reasons to stay sober is to live the life you should have been living all along.
The early days are hard -it's a transitional phase - but get through that and your head will clear and you'll re-discover a you you've forgotten about.
You may even find like I did that you have no idea why you hated yourself so much - I was a vastly different person at 40 than I was at 20.
To help get you through those early transitional weeks, post here as often as you need too - you'll get good support, and good ideas for more support too
D
The early days are hard -it's a transitional phase - but get through that and your head will clear and you'll re-discover a you you've forgotten about.
You may even find like I did that you have no idea why you hated yourself so much - I was a vastly different person at 40 than I was at 20.
To help get you through those early transitional weeks, post here as often as you need too - you'll get good support, and good ideas for more support too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Thank you guys!
The problem for me is that I've been drinking seriously a relatively short period of time. Daily for only about a month and 1/2. Weekly maybe for about a year or so. Before that I drank off and on at family get together's and the like and would get black out drunk once in a long while. But drinking to the point where it was clouding over everything only started in the past 6 months or so.
My emotional struggles have been MUCH much longer in duration and sometimes severity. I've been pretty depressed for most of my life, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, though never an attempt.
So unlike for some who have been drinking for 10+ years for example where they struggle hard to emerge from a fog into an anxious haze and don't know what to expect. In my case a lot of these feelings are very familiar. I have no doubt they are being heightened by the withdrawal from the alcohol, but I am not confident that I will end up being happy, as depression has been my default mode for decades, even without alcohol or substances. For me it's choosing the lesser of evils. And realising that IF I am ever going to be happy it's going to have to start from a place of sobriety, I don't feel that I'll likely feel good soon just from quitting though. I may feel worse.
One other thing I did tonight that helped, other than pour out the beer, was ringing my father up and go out to have some late night fast food. Not healthy food, but better than nothing. Was feeling desperate, needed some human contact. Even if my parents trigger me often they are also great sources of comfort. It's good I chose to do that as I feel much calmer now.
The problem for me is that I've been drinking seriously a relatively short period of time. Daily for only about a month and 1/2. Weekly maybe for about a year or so. Before that I drank off and on at family get together's and the like and would get black out drunk once in a long while. But drinking to the point where it was clouding over everything only started in the past 6 months or so.
My emotional struggles have been MUCH much longer in duration and sometimes severity. I've been pretty depressed for most of my life, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, though never an attempt.
So unlike for some who have been drinking for 10+ years for example where they struggle hard to emerge from a fog into an anxious haze and don't know what to expect. In my case a lot of these feelings are very familiar. I have no doubt they are being heightened by the withdrawal from the alcohol, but I am not confident that I will end up being happy, as depression has been my default mode for decades, even without alcohol or substances. For me it's choosing the lesser of evils. And realising that IF I am ever going to be happy it's going to have to start from a place of sobriety, I don't feel that I'll likely feel good soon just from quitting though. I may feel worse.
One other thing I did tonight that helped, other than pour out the beer, was ringing my father up and go out to have some late night fast food. Not healthy food, but better than nothing. Was feeling desperate, needed some human contact. Even if my parents trigger me often they are also great sources of comfort. It's good I chose to do that as I feel much calmer now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
My advice is don't underestimate the power of alcohol to colour your perception or world view.
At the very least with alcohol out of the way and perhaps some other help, you'll be able to get to grips with the other problems you have?
D
At the very least with alcohol out of the way and perhaps some other help, you'll be able to get to grips with the other problems you have?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Dee74 
My advice is don't underestimate the power of alcohol to colour your perception or world view.
At the very least with alcohol out of the way and perhaps some other help, you'll be able to get to grips with the other problems you have?
D
At the very least with alcohol out of the way and perhaps some other help, you'll be able to get to grips with the other problems you have?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Hi Smilax, so much of what you have said resonates with me, I too felt depressed and "lost" most of my life, that constant feeling of hopelessness and lack of self worth, even anti depressants could not relieve that underlying feeling of sadness. I too felt it was my default button and alcohol just blotted it out but only for a short time but eventually it stopped working. Alcoholism is a progressive illness it does not get better. The tighter its grip the more you will plunge into deep loneliness and despair and isolation.
Today it is not like that for me. The solution for me was AA and working the 12 steps, there I found hope, frienship, incredible support and a new found freedom. You might wish to give this a try, if it is not for you, there are many many alternatives.
I wish you well, please keep posting on here and stay with us in the light. Elle
Today it is not like that for me. The solution for me was AA and working the 12 steps, there I found hope, frienship, incredible support and a new found freedom. You might wish to give this a try, if it is not for you, there are many many alternatives.
I wish you well, please keep posting on here and stay with us in the light. Elle
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Smilax
T
My emotional struggles have been MUCH much longer in duration and sometimes severity. I've been pretty depressed for most of my life, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, though never an attempt.
My emotional struggles have been MUCH much longer in duration and sometimes severity. I've been pretty depressed for most of my life, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, though never an attempt.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
