KAD

My ex is also putting it out there now that she'd like some kind of proof that I'm sober. That has never been asked of me before by her, and certainly not by the courts. It caught me a bit off guard and I responded that I have nothing to hide, that my sponsor could vouch for my character, as well as my employer. I don't know if providing proof of that would even be required of me in a child custody/visitation case. I do know I certainly wouldn't want it to be a situation where I report to her. If anyone knows anything about that, I'm all ears.

ScottFromWI

I'd say unless your case worker or attorney tells you otherwise, assume it's just her blowing smoke. And even if you were to need to provide proof it wouldn't be to her, it would be an third party.

KAD

That's what I would think, too. And as much as I would dislike having to do that, in general, if it turns out that idea gets any traction, I would if that's what it takes to gain access to my kids again.

Delizadee

Can you go somewhere to get regular urine or blood tests? This is something I'm battling with too. The courts want proof of sobriety. This one just stumps me. Because I know that everything I come up with to show that I'm sober won't be good enough and there is no where I can get regular testing not even in a rehab facility.
Can you get those letters from your sponsor and employer?
That is what I have been instructed to do along with my counselor.
Every time I follow the court order I get denied visitation anyways.
I mean really, you could do a breathalyzer test before you pick them up if it comes right down to it. Did you ask the mediator about it? Although it seems demeaning, and it would to me too, if that's what it takes... maybe it's worth a shot if it isn't good enough for her?

KAD

Delizadee, at this point, I don't yet have the liberty to see my kids when I want, so no such proof is necessary. I'm going to have to wait to see what, if anything, the court decides in that regard. My sponsor had already offered to testify on my behalf, but I would have some misgivings about asking my employer to do so. They don't know all the details of my personal problems and I prefer to keep it that way. They do know I was convicted of a DWI and that I was terminated from my last job due to "inappropriate conduct," but they didn't ask for any more details and I don't want to volunteer any. If some sort of test like a breathalyzer is required, as I said before, if that's what gets me back into my kids' lives, I'll do it.

Delizadee

My situation is so similar to yours... I don't have the liberty to see my kids whenever I want either, has to be supervised, want proof of sobriety, etc.

I am having a crap day. Court is tomorrow and not Wednesday.
All I want to do is cry. I miss my kids.
I get to see them on Sept 17-18th with my dad supervising the visits.
The frustration and hurt and shame is pretty high. I don't know what I would do without having my littlest one here with me. I'm pretty sure I would fall apart (again).
Things are sort of starting to come together... getting into day programming (which is basically outpatient rehab) and having the ability to get to more meetings. The lawyers want concrete evidence (daily testing) to prove I'm sober. No facilities do that here. I don't know. So many frikken road blocks that I'm trying to work my way around and the hard stuff... work my way through.
I really, really feel like I am failing at this life and adulting thing.
I have big feels for you my friend. Reading your thread always makes me cry. I have a fairly good idea how you feel.
Thanks for all the kind words you've shared. Really your words run through my head when my mind veers off on the wrong path. You are a good person. Hope and strength will get us through... right?

Oh god I get to go to a meeting tomorrow... I feel so relieved. It's a small one with all men. So I feel kind of shy and I always get emotional it seems. And then dayprogramming. That will keep me sane. Pray, breathe... this too shall pass...

Hugs,
Del

KAD

Do you think they would accept if it you purchased your own breathalyzer? I'd be open to doing that if it comes down to it. It would be humiliating and, hopefully, not a long-term thing, but like I say...whatever it takes.

Leaflet

My ex-husband is forcing my five-year-old into visitation right now, and she is miserable. I think that respecting your kids' wishes is very kind. I know that 12 and 15 are not years where kids really want to spend a lot of time with their parents. Their social circles and activities become all important, so don't blame yourself too much. My suggestion would be to see what their interests are and consider how to add to them. Like, if your kid is in soccer, see what equipment they need and offer to take them to the store or meet them there. Go to the games, etc. Call or send a card on every holiday to tell them you love them. Just let them know that you think about them and support them. They'll come around.

KAD

I do those things to the extent that I can, or am allowed, but it's become quite a complicated situation. I've been forbidden by their mother, for example, to attend their extracurricular activities. She doesn't even inform me when or where they are taking place. I do send cards and gifts on birthdays and holidays.

The primary reason I have taken the slow approach to all this has been because I don't want my girls to feel pressured or obligated to see me. However, even the mediator pointed out that putting the onus on the kids to make all the decisions as to whether or not to visit me, and when, can make them feel pressured if I am, or their mother is, unhappy with the arrangement. I've done all I can to avoid that, but their mother has been blocking me from any and all efforts to even establish basic communication with them, in person or verbally. That's why I've taken my sponsor's advice and am seeking legal assistance. I'll always do my best to make the wisest choices and not make the kids feel pressured or upset about any of it. I can't control what their mother does, though, nor can I allow her to manipulate me to do what is solely in her best interest, as opposed to theirs.