I need some help

Old 08-18-2016, 06:56 PM
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Exclamation I need some help

I lost my grandmother this morning. Actually, they think she actually passed on Tuesday night. She was found at the bottom of the stairs in her house by the tenant that lives in the basement. The police secured off the house and are doing an investigation because they don't really know the cause of death as of yet. She may have had a heart attack at the top of the stairs and fallen. Or perhaps she was downstairs and collapsed at the stairs. I keep coming back to the stiff toddy she would always mix with her sleeping pills before bed. I kept telling her she should not combine the two like that but she was the type of person who thought there should be a pill for everything. It looked like she had gotten up after falling and then fell back down again and passed away. I guess we will never know for sure. The phone will ring tomorrow with news about the official cause of death. But none of these details really matter and I'm aware I am rambling a bit here.

I was very close with my grandmother. She preferred I call her by her first name, which is Dee. So I did. I used to live with her as a teenager. She was the one person I could call in the middle of the night and she would be there for me no matter what. I have never known anyone on this Earth to forgive like she did. If you had an argument with her, once it was done, it was DONE and forgotten. She had a very big and loud mouth that got her into a heap of trouble many times. She was extremely stubborn and was who she was and never apologized to anyone for it. Even at 81 she would still dance (or boogey as she liked to call it) and flirt with the men. She was most certainly a force to be reckoned with and everyone who met her knew it. She was incredibly strong. She was dead honest and never hid her emotions. She had had some health issues lately but after a recent heart procedure it seemed she was on the mend for a little while. I am the oldest grandchild and out of 5 of us I am clearly the one who takes after Dee the most. She had a fire that couldn't be extinguished.

My father woke me up early this morning to inform me that she had been found and was cold. I hoped it was only a nightmare.

Last year my grandfather passed away and it was at a time I had once again moved into my parents basement apartment to get better. I could NOT stay sober. I felt an absolute wreck. I somehow kept my sh*t together for the funeral (even though I was hammered and presenting a speech). I am trying SO. VERY. HARD. to stay sober and not use this difficult time as an excuse to drink. But honestly I have been thinking about alcohol all damn day. I am only 6 days sober so I'm in really, really early recovery. I don't see how I will get through this sober. I feel a though I'm about to completely lose my mind ... I am going though a very nasty breakup, Court proceedings, and now this. Granted, I understand that drinking has certainly caused all these things to be much worse. And there would be no Court if not for booze. I am not trying to make excuses. Or have a pity party I'm just stark raving terrified that I will pick up. I reached out to one friend from AA today. And I promised him and myself that I will reach out to more tomorrow morning. So that is something I'm trying that is different. I'm not yet very good at asking for help. And I plan to attend a meeting tomorrow night. But I'm still scared. I feel as though I'm on a plane that is about to crash and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I desperately want to get through this sober. And I am so very scared that I won't.

I apologize for the rambling and I'm not going to edit this either so I hope it makes sense.
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Old 08-18-2016, 07:06 PM
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6 days is a really good start. Please don't throw it away. I am sorry for the situation and realize it is painful. But the pain will only intensify if you drink. You gotta wake up and handle this on Day 7. Keep telling yourself that it is just not an option to process Dee's death on Day 1 (or zero). My emotions go crazy after I break a sober streak, don't put yourself through it
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Old 08-18-2016, 07:22 PM
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Very sorry for your loss winddancer. Honor your grandmother by being strong for yourself and not's really the absolute worst possible choice you could make right now. Of course it's normal to think about it and feel your addiction pulling you back, but it's all a lie. The only thing it will bring is even more heartache and sorrow, not to mention shame and guilt.

We're here for you, keep talking.
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Old 08-18-2016, 07:28 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Windancer.

Everything about life -- the good, the bad and everything in between -- keeps happening, no matter where we are on our sober journeys. When difficult things happen, the only thing drinking will accomplish is make everything worse.

Your grandmother sounds like someone who would always want the best for you. You can honor that by holding on tight to your sobriety.
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Old 08-18-2016, 08:15 PM
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So sorry for your loss Windancer
Good job reaching out here and to your AA friend. Keep posting and reaching out, please don't drink.
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Old 08-18-2016, 08:17 PM
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I'm sorry windancer.

I think the best way to honour your grandmother is to stay sober. I think Dee would like that

The other thing is - we get frasntic at the thought of grief...but we;re meant to feel sad - it's ok to cry and feel the loss. We feel the sadness and then in time move through it, to a new normal.

Drinking just stops that dead so that all we're doing is an endless loop...feel pain add drink, feel's circling the pain, not engaging with it and it never heals.

Be sad for Dee - but know that you're stronger than you can imagine.

You can do this, face your fear of being sad, and be ok

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Old 08-18-2016, 08:18 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss . What shocking news to endure along with your other issues. Your head must be spinning and your heart is surely hurting.
From what you have written about your grandmother tells me you have many good memories and found strength from your relationship with her.

Try to be strong like she was and fight the beast of addiction that will at the very least cloud your mind and numb your emotions ..emotions that need to be expressed..just like your grandmother expressed her emotions.

Please resolve to not drink at this tumultuous time.I know it only takes a moment to choose to drink but you will regret this decision.

Take care of yourself and my condolences also to your entire family
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Old 08-18-2016, 10:29 PM
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So sorry to hear winddancer ,you can do this. You helped me many times in the past. Just think how good you will feel getting through this sober. These are the times that make us stronger. Thoughts & prayers
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Old 08-19-2016, 03:49 PM
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Windancer, I am so very sorry to hear about your loss.
Your grandmother sounds like she was a very special
and unique person.
Drinking will only make things worse,
like it always has, whether it's a happy or sad occasion.
Alcohol is a manipulating liar.
Alcohol is our deadly enemy.
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Old 08-19-2016, 03:50 PM
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Thanks for the support, everyone. I am hanging in there
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Old 08-19-2016, 04:04 PM
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That's great to hear Windancer, thanks for checking in.
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Old 08-19-2016, 04:07 PM
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Sending you love and hugs!
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Old 08-19-2016, 04:15 PM
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I didn't see this last night, Wind. I'm sorry you lost Dee. As we already have found out, drinking only makes things more miserable & increases our anxiety. You need to stay clear headed to grieve properly and cope with the loss. Any time I tried to hide in an alcoholic fog of numbness - I deeply regretted it. I'm glad you posted about what was going on.
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Old 08-19-2016, 05:09 PM
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Hang in there! I understand the all consuming thoughts of having a drink. I have a million excuses to have a drink and only one to not have one and that one is me. I will not drink for me.
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Old 08-19-2016, 07:53 PM
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I'm so sorry.
I'm sending you love and
I essentially fell apart repeatedly after one of my closest friends passed away at a young age last year.
Drinking to ease the pain and grief and attempted repeats of sobering up after she passed... it was like living her death all over again.
She IS proud of you. It's ok to fall apart and cry and feel the grief and you don't have to go through this alone. Surround yourself with loved ones. You will make it through this and Dee as we will be with you along the way.
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:15 PM
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Thank you for sharing memories of your beloved grandmother. She would be so proud of you today for staying sober, and fighting with all the fiestiness she was known for. She shared that trait with you. We'd love to hear more about her when you're ready.
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:27 PM
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandmother Windancer. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Sending lots of love your way.
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Old 08-20-2016, 07:32 AM
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The support on SR never ceases to amaze me.
I just got back from saying my final goodbye to Dee, and now she is off to be cremated. I know some people prefer not to see but I always do for some reason. It brings me some closure, and I know it isn't a big scam and she will pop up very much alive somewhere. She looked not too bad but didn't have her teeth and I know for a fact that would have p*ssed her off immensely LOL.
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Old 08-20-2016, 07:39 AM
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Sorry for your lose.
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