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Windancer 08-14-2016 09:12 AM

My life is set on repeat at: INSANITY & CHAOS
 
When will enough be enough for me? *PLEASE, please, be gentle (yet honest) with any responses... I have so much self-loathing right now it is terrible. I am so mad at myself. Thank you*

Two other nights I went out with a friend and drank. I had an option to go to an AA meeting but made the STUPID decision to have some drinks and proceeded get completely hammered.

For some unknown stupid reason I got my friend to drive to my ex's farm. This man (my ex) was extremely emotionally abusive and I am co-dependant. Without him I feel quite lost. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, GAD, and Major Depression.
So my ex asked me to leave because I was obviously drunk and somehow we quickly got into a heated argument. As I was leaving he started arguing with my friend and then tried to run me over with his power wheelchair which ended up parked on my foot. After screaming at him to get off my foot I slapped him in the face. He recoiled, and I left with my friend. My ex called the police and told them I assaulted him. So when I got home the police were there and they arrested me for assault, and breach of probation. (Yes, I've been in trouble with the law before. It has ALWAYS happened while drunk).

So, once again, I woke up in a jail cell. And if it wasn't for the fact they released me on my own recognisantz (sp?) I would be held in jail as my parents would not act as a surety.

And so now I have p*issed off my ex, family, friends. And this terrible cycle of terror, crisis, and drunkenness has continued. I desperately want off this crazy train.

I am trying not to feel hopeless but truthfully, I feel so hopeless. I've been to rehab a few times. I've done an outpatient program twice. Tried AA for a brief time (though I don't think I gave it a fair shot), completed a DBT program, had counselling, etc etc. I guess I'm missing something though, and I think it's my lack of follow through. I need to keep it up. I need to remember every single day that my health and sobriety is my #1 priority no matter what.

My quit date will be Aug. 16 (Tuesday). I always go through this....whenever I've had a crisis and quit drinking without prep it has failed in days. When I've had the most sober time I picked a quit date and emotionally and mentally prepared for it. I know everyone is going to say make today day 1. I've quit so many times and I know picking a day very soon works the best for me. Then of course, I need a recovery plan and I have to continue to FOLLOW THROUGH! I need to hold myself accountable and stick to my plan.

This has to be it. If I continue like this I will end up killing myself either by accident when I am really drunk, or by suicide when I am really drunk (I often become very depressed and suicidal when really drunk lately). I can't trust myself right now. I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this. I can't do this to my poor family anymore either. An active alcoholic hurts many at a very deep level. Of course SR will be part of me recovery plan. I've got to come up with the rest of my plan and DO IT.

I also need to change my mindset of "I am going to fail" to "I am going to overcome this and heal one day at a time".
Thanks for listening. :thanks

Dave42001 08-14-2016 09:19 AM

I agree, you have to stop this insane cycle, the sooner the better! What's happened has happened.. Make your soberity date today and stop drinking! Go to a meeting today and tomorrow and Tuesday too.. Make it happen, captain!! Wishing you the best!!

Ariesagain 08-14-2016 09:25 AM

Why Tuesday?

"I've quit so many times and I know picking a day very soon works best for me."

Except it hasn't really worked, has it?

Picking a day other than right now is giving your addiction a loophole for one last drunk...or two...who knows where you might wake up next time?

courage2 08-14-2016 09:38 AM

Windancer -- you were one of the first people who greeted me here, and one of my first friends. You don't have to be suffering this year. Start hitting meetings, as many as you can, and let people there know you're struggling. Even if you're not 100% on the wagon, listen and learn from the oldtimers. Please get involved in a support group!

Join the August 2016 support group here, too. And as you told me once, post, post, post!

:hug:

Berrybean 08-14-2016 09:38 AM

Yes. Why Tuesday? Is another day drinking going to make things better? Or Worse?

Okay. Take a good look at the 12-steps of the AA program. You will see that only step 1 even MENTIONS alcohol. It is a program of recovery for people who want to get and stay sober. Is that what you want? Because if it isn't, then it may not work for you this time either. If you want happy, healthy sobriety then you need to be ready to accept that alcohol is not an answer. Not to anything. Not ever. Not today, or Monday. Once you have accepted this, then you will need to be willing to change some things. And they might not all be things you want to change, because we tend to suffer from self-will run riot.

Things are not hopeless ... if you really want things to change.

tomsteve 08-14-2016 09:50 AM

if you set your quit date in the future, youre ALWAYS going to get what youve been getting.
the best prep is-
stop TODAY and decide what you are willing to do to stay stopped.

called my sponsor once wanting to drink real bad. he said," just dont drink today. if you want to drink tomorrow,fine, but call me first."
tomorrow came. i wanted to drink. i was GOING to drink, but called him first.
" you said to call ya tomorrow if i want to drink. its tomorrow and im callin to tell ya im going to drink."
"BS, tom. its today now."
sank in just dont drink today.


DO your recovery plan TODAY.

Windancer 08-14-2016 09:59 AM


Originally Posted by Ariesagain (Post 6091006)
Why Tuesday?

"I've quit so many times and I know picking a day very soon works best for me."

Except it hasn't really worked, has it?

Picking a day other than right now is giving your addiction a loophole for one last drunk...or two...who knows where you might wake up next time?

I understand what you are saying. What I meant is that every time I've quit I've had much longer sobriety time when I plan a quit date. Just like smoking. It works best for me.

Windancer 08-14-2016 11:05 AM

I appreciate everyone's advice and concern, but I didn't intend for this to be a debate about my quit date. Tomorrow is my last day. I do understand what everyone is saying. But I know when stopping drinking picking a quite day works better for me than not. I know this about myself. I've been in touch with my psychologist by email this weekend and he has known me since I was 11 and it was HIS suggestion to pick a quit date sometime very soon. He knows my patterns and understands how important it is for me to mentally prepare. I've spoken to my parents about it and they are supportive of this too.

Windancer 08-14-2016 11:07 AM


Originally Posted by courage2 (Post 6091032)
Windancer -- you were one of the first people who greeted me here, and one of my first friends. You don't have to be suffering this year. Start hitting meetings, as many as you can, and let people there know you're struggling. Even if you're not 100% on the wagon, listen and learn from the oldtimers. Please get involved in a support group!

Join the August 2016 support group here, too. And as you told me once, post, post, post!

:hug:

Thank you so much Courage. I do remember you. I will post, post, post. And I am going to go to meetings again starting today. And go to as many as I can.

tomsteve 08-14-2016 11:29 AM

it just seems that if picking a quit date worked better , you wouldnt be needing to pick a quit date again.
i could be wrong,tho.
whats involved in mentally preparing?

Windancer 08-14-2016 11:42 AM

Preparing for me involves: journaling, removing any and all alcohol where I live, telling my friends and family so they know not to offer or buy me alcohol, talking to both LCBO managers in town to no longer allow me to purchase alcohol, moving my horses to another farm (there is booze everywhere at the current farm) and firming up my resolve and dedication to complete sobriety.
Doing my best to make it harder for me to purchase alcohol if I'm having a bad craving.

Delilah1 08-14-2016 11:43 AM

Hi Windancer,

I am glad you are here and posting. I worry about you drinking the next two days and having some of the feelings you mentioned in your original post. Do you have anyone with you today? You mentioned emailing your psychologist, will you be seeing him this week?

Stay close to SR today and follow Courage'sadvice about posting.

You can do this!!!
❤️Delilah

Soberwolf 08-14-2016 11:44 AM

An accountability thread might prove useful ?

Windancer 08-14-2016 11:47 AM

Hello Delilah. Yes, I am going to see my psychologist on Friday. I am currently living in my parents basement apartment and my mother is usually home.' I am also going to an AA meeting tonight, the first one I've been to in a year.

Windancer 08-14-2016 11:49 AM


Originally Posted by Soberwolf (Post 6091111)
An accountability thread might prove useful ?

Yes! An accountability thread would be very useful. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it.

sugarbear1 08-14-2016 01:38 PM

You are right, sobriety IS action!

I wish you well on your new sober journey!!

InvisibleDanger 08-14-2016 01:41 PM


Originally Posted by Windancer (Post 6091120)
Yes! An accountability thread would be very useful. I know what I have to do. I just have to do it.

That sounds like a great idea!

Che 08-14-2016 01:44 PM

The only thing you can do is slow down and stop doing things automatically. You're responsible for yourself. It's not being humiliated or what other people think of you that is going to motivate you to accept a change in your life. It's going to have to be you wanting something else out of your life that isn't what you've got now.

Please spend some time thinking about what you want to do. Some positive forward motion. Because just not doing things you know are bad is going to leave you bored. I have learned many times it's not self-denial we're practicing, it's making new choices to do new and better things.

Windancer 08-14-2016 02:33 PM

I think that is crucial for success, Che. I think in the past I have simply removed the drink but didn't change much else. I need a whole lifestyle change.

ScottFromWI 08-14-2016 03:09 PM


Originally Posted by Windancer (Post 6091384)
I think in the past I have simply removed the drink but didn't change much else. I need a whole lifestyle change.

Nailed it on the head there. Taking away the alcohol is only the very beginning of the process. You mention an AA meeting in your original post, have you spent time in the program in the past? That's certainly one way to change your lifestyle significantly.


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