The prodigal returns
 

A few years ago I quit drinking and doing blow. I went to AA...,I didn't work the steps. I thought it was stupid. And I was really only doing it because I didn't want to lose my fiancé and worry my family anymore. I had a few blackouts, I knew j was doing it too much but I really just didn't think it was problem. I saw the blackouts as isolated incidences. "Oh next time I need to make sure I eat more first" "it was cause I was drinking hands" "I should've been drinking water between drinks. That's what I'll do next time". I didn't quit for me. I love drinking and doing drugs. They make me feel both alive and numb at the same time. I'm ******* superwoman and sexy as hell when I'm ****** up. So...it's no surprise that over time, "proving" I could be sober, j was able to take back drinking little by little. "Oh cmon Hun, it's New Years. Can't I toast? You don't really think I'm never ever going to drink again for the rest of my life do you? It's just the one." "We're in Mexico! It's doesn't count! This is what ppl do here! Besides I'm only drinking blended drinks, they don't even do anything" "it's summer and super hot out. What's wrong with one or two cold beers?" Step by step, I got my drinking back.

And then we broke up.

Not because of my drinking. I had successfully manipulated him into being okay with it. Other reasons. But suddenly...the reigns were off. He was okay with my casual drinking here and there but I still worked hard to moderate or face the side eye. Now there was no one to give the side eye. And to top it off I was sad and angry and lonely and scared and hurt to boot. The perfect mix really to get down to some serious drinking. My friends from work didn't know me during the last bout of scary drinking. They didn't know I'd been to AA once upon a time. And they liked to binge drink and bar hop after work. It was fun. Getting drunk, feeling good, way too
Honest girl talk and bonding, flirting with all sorts of strangers, taking some home..,.months of this. Almost a year. The blackouts becoming more frequent. And more scary....as far as what happened during them. Sex with strange men. Only remembering clips of memories if memories at all, certainly not coherent enough to be making decisions about my body. The social media posts and text messages.... So cringeworthy! So many random bruises, scrapes and cuts I don't remember getting... That feeling of panic the morning after a bender. How did I get home? What did I do? Who did I see? What did I say? What did I post? Omg! Where's my wallet? My phone? Did I do anything anyone important like my boss or mother will find out about? And the shame..,let's not forget the shame..,

So I blacked out again. This one was a doozy. I remember going to a club already drunk with a male friend. I remember walking through the door, doing a shot and going for a cigarette. That's it. I remember waking up in his bed without my clothes and calling for him cause I didn't know where I was and where my clothes were. That's it. Just that short clip. Then I woke up at home... Now I know that sounds like some Brock Turner **** but it's not. He was drunk too, I know that. I've known him for years and we've always been attracted to each other. **** happens. The thing is, I'm kind of seeing somebody. A couple of months now. He's normal and reaponsible and has no idea how bad I am. I act like my **** is together around him, I put on a real convincing act. I really like him. I don't want him to know how ****** up I am. And how am I to explain what happened? What can I say? I black out when I drink too much, which is often and during one of these blackouts, I guess I had sex with this friend of mine but I literally have no memory of it at all like it might as well have happened to someone else entirely for all the cognitive awareness I had at the time so please forgive me?? I probably should.

I had this moment where I looked at my life and was like, "so this is it? This is the life you're choosing to lead? Drinking till sometimes you can't even walk anymore or black right out? Then waking up and acting like everything's perfectly fine and you're in control? Literally not even remembering having sex with someone and putting someone else at risk because of it? You're about to be 30. This is it? Wow...."

So....looks like I'm going to be quitting drinking again. This time I'm doing it for me. I don't want to waste my life and I'm so tired of being ashamed of myself. I've felt sick for the last three days. Literally. This gnawing nausea eating my stomach every time I think about what happened. It's not even the first time I've felt sick over my drunken actions before. I don't want to feel like that anymore.

You're in good company and haven't been through anything that the rest of us haven't been through, prolly several times over. I'm a newbie to sobriety compared to others here, so listen to their advice.

You are smart that you recognize this at such a young age. Thank you for sharing your store. You can do this!

Welcome Happenstance, I hope we get to hear more from you.

I got sober at 22. My first look at AA was a bit like yours. I went to a few compulsory meetings in the nutfarm. It just went over my head. I guess I wasn't ready, I had other options to pursue, not just in recovery method, but also in what was wrong with me.

People often talk about truggers being a big barrier to recovery. That wasn't my experience. I didn't like the honesty and levelling of pride that the AA process requires. I lacked any kind of humility and so had to be well and truly humbled by the booze.

Then I came to AA willing to do anything to make the misery go away. And it worked. It sounds a bit like you are in the same spot.

If you do what I did, there is no reason to think you won't get what I got, a life of permanent and rewarding sobriety.

Thanks for sharing!! I hope you give it another honest try! Never give up, it took me a few years and a drawer full of desire chips before I really found "it"! Wishing you the best!! You can do this!!

Welcome HappenStance