ClosetCinephile

Good morning all,

I hope this message finds everyone doing well this Saturday. Just finished reading the Daily Reflection for the day, and it's very pertinent to what's going on in the neighborhood in my head these past few days.

I have one year and two months sobriety (but who's counting...), and I've made a lot of progress, I believe. I've been through the steps in their entirety with my sponsor, have sponsored an individual (who went back out, but while he was in the program, reinvigorated my feelings about the program), and I felt a moment where the program clicked for me (no lightning and angelic choir, but a wonderful feeling of peace at the moment).

Here's my question ... I met someone on an online dating site about a month and a half ago. Since day one, we've been chatting, first through text and the dating site, and then on the phone. We have many similarities, and while he is not a member of the program, he is very respectful of the fact that I am working on bettering myself, and I get the impression he has been spending some time working on his own life as well.

We are still discovering our likes and differences, and after two dates, have decided we are going to be exclusive. This may sound extreme, and perhaps it is, but due to opposing work schedules (remind me to come back to this), we're only able to see each other once a week or so. I work a 9-5 job, and he manages a pizza restaurant, with long days, long hours, and plenty of "on your feet" work.

This isn't something I'm used to. I'm 28, and just emerging from a 3-year relationship hiatus. All of my previous relationships have been at college, so I was able to see my partner at least daily.

If you're anything like me, you might be picking up on the issue here. As a recovering alcoholic, and codependent one at that, I'm not taking it well that a) I have no idea when I will see this guy, and b) the fact it's usually once a week. Having said that, we talk on the phone daily and text daily, and the two dates we've been on have been very high quality.

Good news? Through prayer and talking to close friends in and out of the program, I've been able to keep these zany thoughts from him, because, at the end of the day, I realize the issue is not him, but me, and my way of thinking and expectations, which just don't match up with two people trying to get by in life.

I certainly don't want to smother him, and I don't want my overzealous feelings to put a wedge in between us.

So, my question, to those who have walked this road before me is ... how do I work toward accepting someone who's company I truly enjoy, I feel like I'm building a connection with while battling my alcoholic brain that wants to see this person much more often than is healthy?

My hope is to spur a discussion here and bounce thoughts around.

Thank you so much for reading.

CC

sugarbear1

I was sober almost 3 years before I started dating. When I did start dating, I felt like a very immature teen....worrying about when he'd call, why he hadn't, what's going on....I was a mess! (and I'm much older than you!!)

I had more work to do on me, so I worked with my sponsor to delve deeper into me to figure things out.

Then I began dating this other man. We sat down and discussed ourselves with each other, we set down boundaries and what we were looking for in a relationship. So far, it's worked for 3 years. We still don't live together and we don't see each other nightly, but we are two individuals who share quality time with each other. He's been supportive of me and I've supported him emotionally.

I guess I'm saying it takes time to work on self and it takes time to work on a relationship. Honest communication helps. This is not an easy task. Once we know ourselves, that is when we can work on the relationship with another.

Keep working those steps into your life, keep working with others, do what you can to make your life a well-rounded life! Keep working those principles into your life. You are young, you have time to cultivate this relationship or to find out it's not what you want. Take it easy. Work on your acceptance. Work on not having expectations. Work on honesty. Work on those things first!

Not sure this helped you or not.

August252015

Whew, CC. I totally get where you are coming from in the "antsy" feeling of a new relationship. I have certainly been there.

I will just add my $0.02. I can't do antsy. I know I can't do any version of the "drama" that is the wondering. It's just not healthy and it would jeopardize my EMOTIONAL sobriety- which sounds like something you have and want to protect. I would just say to be very cautious about letting him further into your mind and heart.

I am almost six months sober and a month ago, I started seeing my high school boyfriend. Completely unexpected and completely amazing. We are both in recovery and our relationship is based on friendship and communication- about everything in our lives and in our relationship. This is...Big Time, and big stakes for both of us. And it is wonderful - we are taking the building part seriously (And getting closer at a VERY quick pace) and the physical part VERY slowly. My bottom line on sharing this is that I could not- absolutely could not- be with a person I did not completely trust. We are getting to know each other again, and as adults, and I know my situation is rare both in and of itself, and because I am choosing this early in recovery. Other than the obvious reason to go this route, that I am falling in love with him, that foundation is why I am willing to take whatever "risk" this poses.

Just- be careful, keep talking to your sponsor and friends (honestly!! about what you are doing with this guy, how you feel, questioning your decisions and listening to them!!) and...really get to know him. You have to spend time with him to do this- I think saying you're exclusive is fine- and you have to keep your eyes open for his actions, and whether you can trust him. The little signs and things- does he call when he says he will? does he make plans when he has time? you get the point...Work at listening to your sober voice- you have worked hard to get better- and, frankly, don't keep going if your spidey senses make you uncomfortable.

This could be a great thing if it's done right. Good luck!!

Mountainmanbob

Just a thought -- make sure that he calls you (at least) two to three times to your one call to him.

Let's say he has called you 5 times last week
If you keep count you should not have called him more than twice.

Being a guy I know as I look back.
The best ones were the ones who didn't chase me.
The ones that were a little hard to get kept me interested.

Both parties are slowly giving away a little piece of their hearts.
Something to be very cautious about.
Laying a strong foundation takes time and is most important in a healthy relationship.

We remember that these are not our old drinking days and ways.
We are letting go of some old ideas.

M-Bob

ClosetCinephile

This definitely helped, and thank you for the advice. I do believe it's true that my brain coming from the "high school dating" point of view, and not just because of alcoholism, but because I didn't really date until around 20.

I do think this guy is worth spending the time to explore in terms of a future, stronger relationship.

Two cents if definitely worth it in my opinion, so I thank you very much. I'm not sure my emotional sobriety has been affected any more than normal, but this is something I will watch out for. It is always exciting when you meet someone new, and he's very respectful of my program, and seems extremely independent as well. I think that is part of what I'm not used to - past relationships have been very codependent, and since joining the fellowship, I realize this is very unhealthy. I just have to reroute the wires in my brain, and my heart, you know?

Thank you so much for this. Question though, playing devil's advocate ... With calling, if I start tracking, for lack of a better word, and he does not meet these expectations, aren't I setting myself up for failure?

Additionally, thinking of him for a second, I'm sure he'd appreciate more than two calls per week - to see I'm interested as well.

Just some thoughts. Thanks all.

August252015

Mbob always has good, practical advice.

I'd add that things like HIM asking you when you can get together next, not you suggesting it (I just brought up the next time for us, last night, for the first time because we got on the topic of next week's schedules). And letting him be the one to express emotion/interest/emojis/whatever first, and a little more than you do. All this may sound old fashioned or whatever, but what I want is the guy who tells me "I have to play up to be with you" and "You make me want to be a better dad, friend and me."

Re the exact example of 2 calls....I think applying the spirit of the law behind any of these things is what's really important. Trusting your gut on what to say, how much and when, etc - most of us are codependent or have behaved such in relationships so this is big

You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders! I'd just say use it, along with your heart. We do have to risk connection with someone to find a good one.

Maybe a good way of saying what Mbob and I are both getting at is this quote:

https://www.instagram.com/p/nmhpPOseAg/

Mountainmanbob

OK let us keep it simple -- just woke up here.
Maybe try this ?
Make sure that he calls twice to your once.
Hold back just a little -- don't want him to think this will be easy.
Best when a man puts in honest effort.
You got the goodies -- if he is interested -- he will be in hot pursuit.

M-Bob

ClosetCinephile

Got it!

Thank, M-Bob.

fini

seems to me worth thinking about game playing and honesty.
not saying to go 'splat' with all your feelings all over the place, but since you both have 'goodies' and opposing work schedules, the slow pace of getting together once a week sounds like a good start to me.

to me, if i find myself feeling desperate, that is a big flag. tells me something isn't "healthy", and then i can look deeper from there and discern if the level of interest seems drastically unequal, or if i'm into a "gottahavegottahave" obsessive mindset.
if/when i find myself keeping track and setting up artificial rules about number of calls and who should pursue whom...things are already wonky.

ClosetCinephile

The more I think about it, the more I agree with you. By setting up rules, of any kind, I am attempting to control the process, which is everything we learn not to do in AA. I can see that ending the relationship before it starts. Having said that, I do believe each party is responsible for maintaining a certain about of communication, just not anything too rigid.

NYCDoglvr

Over the years I've had to change my thinking and, thanks to a wonderful sponsor, have made progress. The two big changes that have helped the most is to stop projecting and let go of expectations, which can screw up relationships more than practically anything else. I suggest reeling your mind back in and keeping the focus in today. Be in the relationship "one day at a time." It helps!

tomsteve

imo, alcoholics can be impatient- especially in relationships. we want the good feelings and we want them now!
nothing wrong with taking a relationship slow.
LOTS of problems with jumping in headlong.

how to accept someone warts and all?
imo, its in the steps.

Berrybean

I thought this chart was interesting. Perhaps you will find it useful for consideration and reflection as things progress...

https://www.google.co.uk/search?ie=U...EFJf3naS4gM%3A

Belier

Why you will marry the wrong person

Hi All, I thought I would chime in hear with an article that I found very helpful, funny and to point. Hope you enjoy it for what it is.

Belier

It isn't as bad as the topic of the article suggests!. Just very direct and humorous.

ClosetCinephile

Hi all! Once again, thank you for all your comments, thoughts, and suggestions. I thought I'd post a little update, and relate some things I've been feeling squirrelly about these past few days. I've spoken to my sponsor and some good friends, and I have absolutely no desire to drink. Just too many thoughts pinging around in my head.

I'm still seeing the individual I mentioned above, but we had a conversation about a week ago about slowing things down (him to me). He was quick to point out that he really likes me, is interested, and we've gone as far as to make plans to hang out tomorrow, but doesn't like labels, such as "we're in a relationship."

I guess that wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't measure all of my past relationships by labels ... Dating, dating with sex, exclusive, relationship. I will add that none of these past relationships worked out in the long term, so I *am* willing to try a new approach.

Here's the rub. My previous relationships have been rather codependent (thanks, alcoholism. Lol), and this guy is rather independent. Doesn't need 24/7 attention, likes his alone time, and doesn't like for those he dates to be too clingy. Guess how my previous relationships have been? I've always sought 24/7 attention, like to spend time with those I'm dating, and can be kind of clingy.

In general, I do a lot of overthinking. This guy wants to move slowly, and while I say I'm 100 percent for that, it goes against everything I know.

Finally, I like him too, a lot, and don't want to mess this up. In a way, I see this as a test from my higher power. I think I can learn a lot from this experience, and from him, if I can just get out of my own head. But at the end of the day, I do have selfish thoughts, I can be obsessive, and I self-sabotage by accident.

Anyway, thanks for reading. All thoughts, no matter how brutally honest, appreciated.

Gottalife

This is something between you and God. "Befor we begin our period of meditation, asking that our thoughts be divorced from selfish and self seeking motives...."

Relationships are part of life, not alcoholism, and they have no bearing on whether you can stay sober or not.

Sure we have defects of character (shortcomings) which God has or will or might remove in His good time, and they affect our ability to relate with others. A common way this is accomplished is for Him to let us live in the defect for a while , feel the resulting pain, and grow through the process. Eventually the defect becomes redundant as we become completely willing to give it up.

Which is another way of saying life and relationships can be a painful business, but if we avopid the pain, we often avoid the growth. The only way to grow os to put yourself out there and do your best.

Having recovered from alcoholism, we are now in a position where we can learn from our mistakes and not drink over them. That problem has been removed and it will stay that way as long as we stay in fit spiritual condition. How do we do that? By working with others. That is where the real meat of the program is and you have made that disovery.

kittycat3

Best advice I can give is to give the relationship time and space to evolve. Have plenty of other interests and keep your life full with your other commitments. Not putting a label on it is ok in the beginning - if he is still saying that in a years time then maybe there is an issue, but early stages should be taken slowly. Think hard about whether he is the guy for you, it should not be all about whether you are the right match for him. Make sense? Don't cancel plans for him or keep your calendar open "just in case"....you should feel he is proactive in contacting you and setting up plans, etc. make sure it's a two way street and you aren't putting in all the effort...

Heldon

Hi All, newb here. I'm an alcoholic male who's been in relationships with alcoholic females. I've found that alcoholics can often be desperate for validation and attention from their partners. I'm guilty of it. When my partner is acting desperate, I've found it to be ugly and claustrophobic. I think it's wise to step back, observe your thinking and hold no expectations of your partner. Even if you're in a committed long-term relationship, bad things can happen. As an alcoholic, these bad things can jeopardize my sobriety, which means it's a matter of life and death. I've found that these so-called bad things are events that don't live up to my expectations and internal timeline of how the relationship should be progressing. What I'm getting at is that it might be a good idea to practice acceptance of uncertainty. Don't try to fight that feeling of anxiety, but be present with it. It's difficult, and I struggle with it, but I've found tremendous things happen in my relationships, either romantic or not, when I come to terms with the idea that I cannot control or influence the other person's behavior. Things will either happen, or they won't. And I need to be OK with that if I plan on living a sober life.

August252015

^^^Good points. And communication is critical. My boyfriend is in recovery too and we talk about these and the other Big Topics of Sobriety all the time. This stuff isn't for the light dating, though - I am in a relationship which started at 15/16 yrs old and we are reconnecting now as sober 40 yr olds.