Trying to understand what I have to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2
Trying to understand what I have to do
Hi everybody and thanks,
I am a 38 years old european man (sorry for my english).
I'm actually not in a recovery state but in one of the worst period of my alcoholic life (since I was 16 years old when I started to smoke too).
Initially I drank at the parties in order to be less anxious but then I started to drink beer at home and wine during lunch and dinner.
My parents had a good degree and good jobs but unfortunately there was always more wine, spirits and beers than water in our frigo so it wasn't a problem if I drank at home
I started to drink more and more with a lot of bindge drinking during high school and during first three years of academy; until my 22 I have passed a lot of days staying at home to smoke and drink in front of the TV with my father closed in his office and my mother worried about my university careers (but not about my drinking)
At 22 I found a girl that loved me, I went to live alone and restart my university career.
Then my girlfriend went to live with me, I take the degree with an high votation ("only" drinking after 6pm six beers and two glasses of wine and drinking "only" two beers the day before an university exam).
Then I found a good job but my job became more and more boring.
I don't know how it has been possible (30 cigarettes a day) but I stop smoking and it has been very difficult for me due to my anxiety and to boring days so I restart to increase my drinking and obviously increasing my anxiety.
So my ex girlfriend left me and I was desperate; I start to try to work on my drinking problem going to a public counsellor (that told me to restart smoking but I went away after this advice), starting to run, going on mountaing, knowing new people.
I was able to not drink during the week but I continued to drink during the weekend; despite it that it has been one of the best period of my life and I also knew a beautiful new girlfriend.
But I was conscious that I had yet alcohol and anxiety and depression problems (due also to the death of my father and of my two grandparents during these last years) and I tried to deal with these problems in different way through private doctors:
I went to:
- a psycologist, for two years, that told me I wasn't absolutely an alcoholic but that I was pretending too much from me and for my life
- a private hospital, for three monthes, with weekly interviews in which they ask me to describe the reason for every beer (ten everyday) of the day before; but I told them that I didn't know the reason, I came home from work and I wanted to switch off my mind.
- A private doctor expert in alcohol dependence, for two years, that told me I have a mood disorder with alcoholic abuse but I wasn't dependant; he prescribed me a lot of medicine and told me that I hadn't to stop drinking and if the therapy was good it would be good for my mood, otherwise we had to change therapy. I have changed a lot of medicine but they gave me a lot of anxiety and also panic attack that I tried to "control" with beers (same quantity consumed with or without therapy).
- another doctor in a private clinic for alcohol abuse that gave me the same prescrition above with the reccomandation to stop drinking after 2 days. I tried again with the therapy but the first day I had a big panic attack after the pill and I stopped.
- I tried to stop drinking alone two times this year; big problems for two days then I have been able to be far from beer and wine for ten days; but it has been possible for me only avoiding every invitation to go out home. Here it' s quite impossible to go to the restaurant or bar or friends' home without beers or wines
I know that on this website it isn't possibile to have medical advice but I would like to underline my descouragement having tried so many different methods with no result and having no idea of which should be the correct strategy.
At the moment I have my job, my house and my girlfriend but I spend the day in the office in front of the PC trying to understand in which way I can solve my problems, then I drink at home every day at least 18 units (maybe 150 every week).
I KNOW I have everything in order to be happy; but I cannot.
A boring day at work thinking to my problems seeing no way out, then at home drinking in front of PC to switch off my mind, then sleeping.
A perfect orrible routine and everyday is worse and I'm also very worried about my general health.
I don't know what to do having already tried many solutions and actually I am in a point in which I cannot see the street that I should take.
Surely stopping drinking could be a good starting point but it seems to me that I should make a sort of revolution of myself in order to be this possible for a long time.
Sorry for my long post and thank you for your reading and for every advice.
I am a 38 years old european man (sorry for my english).
I'm actually not in a recovery state but in one of the worst period of my alcoholic life (since I was 16 years old when I started to smoke too).
Initially I drank at the parties in order to be less anxious but then I started to drink beer at home and wine during lunch and dinner.
My parents had a good degree and good jobs but unfortunately there was always more wine, spirits and beers than water in our frigo so it wasn't a problem if I drank at home
I started to drink more and more with a lot of bindge drinking during high school and during first three years of academy; until my 22 I have passed a lot of days staying at home to smoke and drink in front of the TV with my father closed in his office and my mother worried about my university careers (but not about my drinking)
At 22 I found a girl that loved me, I went to live alone and restart my university career.
Then my girlfriend went to live with me, I take the degree with an high votation ("only" drinking after 6pm six beers and two glasses of wine and drinking "only" two beers the day before an university exam).
Then I found a good job but my job became more and more boring.
I don't know how it has been possible (30 cigarettes a day) but I stop smoking and it has been very difficult for me due to my anxiety and to boring days so I restart to increase my drinking and obviously increasing my anxiety.
So my ex girlfriend left me and I was desperate; I start to try to work on my drinking problem going to a public counsellor (that told me to restart smoking but I went away after this advice), starting to run, going on mountaing, knowing new people.
I was able to not drink during the week but I continued to drink during the weekend; despite it that it has been one of the best period of my life and I also knew a beautiful new girlfriend.
But I was conscious that I had yet alcohol and anxiety and depression problems (due also to the death of my father and of my two grandparents during these last years) and I tried to deal with these problems in different way through private doctors:
I went to:
- a psycologist, for two years, that told me I wasn't absolutely an alcoholic but that I was pretending too much from me and for my life
- a private hospital, for three monthes, with weekly interviews in which they ask me to describe the reason for every beer (ten everyday) of the day before; but I told them that I didn't know the reason, I came home from work and I wanted to switch off my mind.
- A private doctor expert in alcohol dependence, for two years, that told me I have a mood disorder with alcoholic abuse but I wasn't dependant; he prescribed me a lot of medicine and told me that I hadn't to stop drinking and if the therapy was good it would be good for my mood, otherwise we had to change therapy. I have changed a lot of medicine but they gave me a lot of anxiety and also panic attack that I tried to "control" with beers (same quantity consumed with or without therapy).
- another doctor in a private clinic for alcohol abuse that gave me the same prescrition above with the reccomandation to stop drinking after 2 days. I tried again with the therapy but the first day I had a big panic attack after the pill and I stopped.
- I tried to stop drinking alone two times this year; big problems for two days then I have been able to be far from beer and wine for ten days; but it has been possible for me only avoiding every invitation to go out home. Here it' s quite impossible to go to the restaurant or bar or friends' home without beers or wines
I know that on this website it isn't possibile to have medical advice but I would like to underline my descouragement having tried so many different methods with no result and having no idea of which should be the correct strategy.
At the moment I have my job, my house and my girlfriend but I spend the day in the office in front of the PC trying to understand in which way I can solve my problems, then I drink at home every day at least 18 units (maybe 150 every week).
I KNOW I have everything in order to be happy; but I cannot.
A boring day at work thinking to my problems seeing no way out, then at home drinking in front of PC to switch off my mind, then sleeping.
A perfect orrible routine and everyday is worse and I'm also very worried about my general health.
I don't know what to do having already tried many solutions and actually I am in a point in which I cannot see the street that I should take.
Surely stopping drinking could be a good starting point but it seems to me that I should make a sort of revolution of myself in order to be this possible for a long time.
Sorry for my long post and thank you for your reading and for every advice.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I'm not a professional in the medical field but you sure sound a lot like me and I know for sure I'm an alcoholic.
It tied the professional route and continued to drink like a fish. Then I really embraced AA . It showed me a way of life I'd been searching for my whole life and the side benefit is I did drink
It tied the professional route and continued to drink like a fish. Then I really embraced AA . It showed me a way of life I'd been searching for my whole life and the side benefit is I did drink
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by FabRec 
Surely stopping drinking could be a good starting point but it seems to me that I should make a sort of revolution of myself in order to be this possible for a long time.
I'm not sure what the doctors are thinking, but there is no way that alcohol helps your situation at all. Many of us have struggled with anxiety and depression, and although alcohol might "seem" to be helping in the short run, it makes it all much, much worse in the long run. Putting down the drink is the only way out of this.
Also many of us found that we had to make a lot of other changes in order to be happily sober.
There are lots of ideas on this site about how to quit for the long term -- I encourage you to read around and keep posting. Here's a place to start:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
I also encourage you to again seek medical help, with a doctor who supports you in quitting drinking. Even if part of you still wants to drink, the key is taking action to support that part of you that wants to be sober.
Best wishes.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR FabRec and thanks for sharing your story. I tried to outthink/outsmart/outlearn my addiction for many, many years. I tried self-imposed moderation plans of every conceivable type and even the official "moderation management" method. I saw doctors, I saw a therapist, I read websites and books until my brain hurt.
Turns out the problem was inside of me and I had the solution all along - acceptance that I'm an addict. By that I mean accepting that something is different about my being that does not allow me to control my drinking once I start. It also means accepting that I will always be this way, no one can "cure" me of my addition. I am an alcoholic and I always will be.
If you can do that, all of the other problems in life become much more manageable. I am also diagnosed with GAD, but now that I've been sober for a while it's allowed me to work on many ways to make it much more manageable - which I never could have done if I was still drinking.
Have some faith in yourself and surrender/accept you for who you are. You can then forgive yourself and start getting better too.
Turns out the problem was inside of me and I had the solution all along - acceptance that I'm an addict. By that I mean accepting that something is different about my being that does not allow me to control my drinking once I start. It also means accepting that I will always be this way, no one can "cure" me of my addition. I am an alcoholic and I always will be.
If you can do that, all of the other problems in life become much more manageable. I am also diagnosed with GAD, but now that I've been sober for a while it's allowed me to work on many ways to make it much more manageable - which I never could have done if I was still drinking.
Have some faith in yourself and surrender/accept you for who you are. You can then forgive yourself and start getting better too.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome,FabRec.
Surely stopping drinking could be a good starting point but it seems to me that I should make a sort of revolution of myself in order to be this possible for a long time.
yes, it could be a good starting point.
it is a good starting point.
your sentence above reminds me of what is in AA sometimes called a "psychic change" ( came from an observation by Dr. Carl Jung), speaking about what is required for long-term sobriety.
not being able to stop drinking and not being able to stop returning to it was what finally broke through to me on a deep level in the form of "OMG i am a drunk!"
total acceptance of that fact was the turnaround that enabled me to stop.
after that, the slow revolution
the slow "revolution of myself" is what has allowed me to stay sober ongoing for quite a while now.
reaching out like you're doing here and getting really engaged with "recovery stuff" on a daily basis was more than helpful; doubt i could have done it without that.
stick around.
Surely stopping drinking could be a good starting point but it seems to me that I should make a sort of revolution of myself in order to be this possible for a long time.
yes, it could be a good starting point.
it is a good starting point.
your sentence above reminds me of what is in AA sometimes called a "psychic change" ( came from an observation by Dr. Carl Jung), speaking about what is required for long-term sobriety.
not being able to stop drinking and not being able to stop returning to it was what finally broke through to me on a deep level in the form of "OMG i am a drunk!"
total acceptance of that fact was the turnaround that enabled me to stop.
after that, the slow revolution
the slow "revolution of myself" is what has allowed me to stay sober ongoing for quite a while now.
reaching out like you're doing here and getting really engaged with "recovery stuff" on a daily basis was more than helpful; doubt i could have done it without that.
stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2
Hi, I'm here again after more than one year in which I have read a lot of posts and thinked so much about my condition without any progress.
I haven't written until now as my situation has been always the same of my first post.
I have passed another year in total depression going to work without any mental energy and spending all the nights in front of my PC on internet drinking a lot of beers until I was full and ready to collapse at bed.
I has been able to stay sober for some days at the beginning of the year, but then I restarted to drink telling myself that it's impossible to live this type of boring-routine life without using something to forget and relax...and beer is my medicine and my poison.
Alcohol helps me to forget and relax but cancels every possible positive thinking or energy that can be useful to try to change something in my life.
At the end, one morning, I wake up with a very big stomach ache due to alcohol, I went to emergency and I spent many days in hospital without eating and full of painkillers and tranquilizers.
Now I am sober since that day (2 weeks ago); at the moment I'm drinking a lot of soda and fruit juice (with impulses that I cannot control that are very similar to which I had regarding cigarettes and beers) and, fortunally, I have recover a lot of energy.
I feel myself in a condition difficult to explain, a mixture of feelings with the convinction, but also the fear, that this can be a real opportunity to start to change.
This is another topic...change to what? Surely it's too early to think about this..I know that I have to try to walk quiet step by step.
Thanks for reading
I haven't written until now as my situation has been always the same of my first post.
I have passed another year in total depression going to work without any mental energy and spending all the nights in front of my PC on internet drinking a lot of beers until I was full and ready to collapse at bed.
I has been able to stay sober for some days at the beginning of the year, but then I restarted to drink telling myself that it's impossible to live this type of boring-routine life without using something to forget and relax...and beer is my medicine and my poison.
Alcohol helps me to forget and relax but cancels every possible positive thinking or energy that can be useful to try to change something in my life.
At the end, one morning, I wake up with a very big stomach ache due to alcohol, I went to emergency and I spent many days in hospital without eating and full of painkillers and tranquilizers.
Now I am sober since that day (2 weeks ago); at the moment I'm drinking a lot of soda and fruit juice (with impulses that I cannot control that are very similar to which I had regarding cigarettes and beers) and, fortunally, I have recover a lot of energy.
I feel myself in a condition difficult to explain, a mixture of feelings with the convinction, but also the fear, that this can be a real opportunity to start to change.
This is another topic...change to what? Surely it's too early to think about this..I know that I have to try to walk quiet step by step.
Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I remember that fear Fab Rec. That question - who will I be without alcohol?? What do I like to do without alcohol?? What do I think without alcohol?? Who AM I without alcohol??
I found that the person I was to become had been hidden away all along. Hiding away from her not-enoughness. The not clever-enoughness. Funny-enoughness. Pretty-enoughness. Popular-enoughness. Tough-enoughness.
I decided that I don't actually owe anyone clever. Or funny. Or pretty. Or popular. Or tough. I dusted that little inner me off and discovered that those fears based on not-enoughness were all based on fairly immature judgement systems that I no longer believe anyway. I spent some time finding out what I enjoy doing. Some of the things are the same as childhood. Reading and creative artwork. Others are new. Singing. Religion. Having close friends (I kept people at a distance before). Helping other people - only little things really, but it brightens my day if I can bring a smile to a face that had none before.
Before I sounded pretty much like King Solomon at the start of Ecclesiastes. Life held no joy or hope of it. It was just being stuck on a hamster wheel. Responsibility. Work. Bills. Blah blah blah. Now I can find joy in most things because I see things differently.
Keep going. You will find out who you are. Your true self underneath the false one. In time. You will start feeling that the World and life has something you want. In time.
I wish you all the best for your continued sobriety and for finding a recovery plan that suits you which you can work on so that you find relief sooner rather than later.
BB
I found that the person I was to become had been hidden away all along. Hiding away from her not-enoughness. The not clever-enoughness. Funny-enoughness. Pretty-enoughness. Popular-enoughness. Tough-enoughness.
I decided that I don't actually owe anyone clever. Or funny. Or pretty. Or popular. Or tough. I dusted that little inner me off and discovered that those fears based on not-enoughness were all based on fairly immature judgement systems that I no longer believe anyway. I spent some time finding out what I enjoy doing. Some of the things are the same as childhood. Reading and creative artwork. Others are new. Singing. Religion. Having close friends (I kept people at a distance before). Helping other people - only little things really, but it brightens my day if I can bring a smile to a face that had none before.
Before I sounded pretty much like King Solomon at the start of Ecclesiastes. Life held no joy or hope of it. It was just being stuck on a hamster wheel. Responsibility. Work. Bills. Blah blah blah. Now I can find joy in most things because I see things differently.
Keep going. You will find out who you are. Your true self underneath the false one. In time. You will start feeling that the World and life has something you want. In time.
I wish you all the best for your continued sobriety and for finding a recovery plan that suits you which you can work on so that you find relief sooner rather than later.
BB
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