bakerylady

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums. I tend to be a little long-winded, so I apologize preemptively for that, but I'm in desperate need of some impartial insight.

I exist somewhere on the alcohol abuse spectrum. I tend to abuse alcohol as a tool to cope with emotional upset. I am in a relationship with a chronically depressed person, and I let this trigger my self-medicating habits. Amidst arguments, my partner accused me of being an alcoholic. I agreed to stop drinking, for the benefit of both myself and my partner, and took responsibility for the way my behavior impacted his feelings.

Since this (two months ago), he has slowly begun bringing beer home more and more often, which makes me both skeptical of his genuine belief that I am an alcoholic. I feel like I've been manipulated. For example, I had stopped drinking prior to this for about a month because we weren't doing well, so surely it couldn't hurt. When I said "hey! it's been 20 days! pretty good, huh?" his response was: yeah, that's good i guess, i mean, if that's what you're trying to do or whatever. I got zero support or encouragement. We have a problematic relationship, and it made absolutely no difference, and he didn't seem to care, so I ended my commitment to sobriety.

Now, he's been drinking 3-4 pints worth of beer every, single day for almost a week solid. So, since I quit, his the frequency and volume of his drinking has increased exponentially. This included a day that we had agreed to go to the store together, but I got home and he was drinking. So he said he would go the next day, and when it came time to go to the store that day, he made no effort to accompany me, so I went alone, and when I returned he was drinking again.

I honestly didn't even know how to articulate my feelings, and I kept expecting it to subside, and once it hit 5-6 days (yesterday) I was overwhelmed by the implications and hadn't felt well anyway (i have issues with severe vertigo), so I went to bed early. I didn't want to talk to him about it WHILE he was drinking, but that had been EVERY day, so I didn't feel like I'd even had a chance.

So he tried to talk to me about it this morning, but was very aggressive and antagonistic and basically said: 1. -you- have the drinking problem, not me, so -i- can drink (which contradicts what he's said in the past, that he has "the gene" so he can't drink very much); 2. i don't get as drunk as you, so i can drink; 3. when you go to band practice, your friends drink beer in front of you and you're not mad, so you can't be mad at me; 4. i work all day long in the hot sun and want to have a beer, you bring non-alcoholic beer home sometimes, so why am I not allowed to have a beer after a long day; 5. after i work a "grueling ten hour day in the sun" we can talk about this when i get home if you want, which is a pretty insincere invitation to talk things out. And then he left abruptly as I was in tears.

I feel totally gaslighted, which is a theme in our relationship, totally undermined, and totally antagonized.

Am I being selfish? Needy? Inconsiderate? Unfair? Am I going crazy? Is this about me? I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to take full responsibility for the fact that using alcohol as a coping mechanism with emotional tumult is harmful, and that if ever I can drink again, I'll never be able to have a normal relationship with alcohol, it will always be mitigated with NA drinks and careful monitoring and avoiding certain social situations. But at the same time, I feel like so much blame is being laid upon me that isn't -really- about the drinking.

Have you experienced this blame-shifting with someone in your life? How do you cope? How do you get them to really hear you that it's not about them -never- drinking because you don't drink, but that it's about making unspoken considerations for you as a partner? Because I feel so, so lost.

zjw

if you keep your side of the street clean the only crap left lieing around wont be yours and it 'll be obvious who's it is. but while you got your crap all over mingled with theres it can be hard to make sense of who's mess is whos and who did what etc...

also if your not keeping your side of the street clean it seems like you'd just be giving him more ammo to beat you down with not something you really need it sounds like.

My advice is to sober up for yourself stay that way after you got some sober time under your belt reassess the situation i bet it'll be pretty clear whats up.

with what you describe and how he acts and such it almost sounds as if he might have a bit of a problem as well for what its worth.

Sometimes we cant expect squat for support from those around us tho and just gotta reach deep in our selves for the mojo needed to move forward. If thats hard keep posting here or hit up an AA meeting etc.... heck post here or hit aa anyway.

it doesnt sound like your crazy tho your story sounds typical of someone trying to clean up there act when they have a partner unwiling to do the same and is thus weighing them down. it stinks but one of you needs to be the strong one. I'm not sure i'd worry much about his drinking and such at this juncture you migth feel inclined to try and help him and if your not strong enough in your own sobreity you might just end up drinking along side him again instead.

bakerylady

i have been sober, but i feel like it's just a demonstration of being a really, super inconsiderate partner. who honestly believes you're an alcoholic and it's your fault the relationship is failing and comes home and drinks 48+ oz of booze in front of you EVERY day? i don't know how to get him to hear "i want you to be more considerate in our home environment" when he seems to only be able to hear "you're not allowed to drink if i'm not," which is NOT what i'm saying. also, if you have a problem: talk to me, not at me. don't yell at me til i cry, tell me it's all my fault, and then leave.

Behappy1

Congrats on your sobriety! I don't have any advice other than in reading what you've written - it sounds like you're in a sad relationship all around. I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but maybe it's time to re-evaluate it?

I may be way off base, but just pointing out what jumped at me while reading this.

Mountainmanbob

You realize that you are alcoholic -- good first step to recovery.
Truly, sounds like you both need to go to counseling together.

The wife and I called a local church and they offered free counseling.
We took them up on that and it worked well for us.
But, (both parties) must be willing.

M-Bob

Recommend that you both read the AA Big Book.
I'm a recovered drunk and the wife is a normie -- we both learned much from the Big Book.

zjw

I think venting about a situation like that is about all you can do. You cant make him nothing and he apparently doesnt get it or see it on his own. But you cant sit and stew about it either thats not gonna do you any good.

So i dunno vent it out and blow off some steam.

i've had to learn how to just allow things to roll off my back and it stinks sometimes but its like sometimes its like what the heck else can i do?

I'm not gonna disagree with you tho i mean it is rude and such but from his view point he's apparently oblivious or insensitive or both. Maybe he doesnt know any better I dunno.

Just try not to let it rock your sober boat too much.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR bakerlady and thanks for sharing your story. You have a lot of questioning, but rest assured that all of us did to before we quit, and it's completely normal to feel how you are feeling - because there's a lot of unknowns in early sobriety, and it can be pretty scary.

The think about sobriety is that it's far more than just "not drinking". In fact, the physical act of quitting is only the very beginning. As you mention, you've used alcohol to "cope" with life up until this point - which many of us also did. The problem with that is that it doesn't allow us to cope at all - it is merely an attempt to avoid/run away/hide from the real issues we face. And frankly they usually get worse as a result, and they are all right there waiting for us when we sober up.

The hard part is learning to cope with life on it's own terms, which is exactly what you are facing now. Almost all of us have many issues to face - relationship issues, health issues, psychological issues, money issues, etc. A sobriety plan is the first step in learning to deal with those issues one at a time as we build sober time. AA and the step program is one of the most common and can be very helpful, but there are many others. Reading the link below lists several of the programs/plans that are common ( and not so common ! )

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

biminiblue

I know it's difficult to sober up. It's difficult to be in a relationship with a drinker, too.

If I were in this situation, I would just leave when he is drinking. Find a meeting (AA) to go to. Learn to be who you want to be regardless of what other people around are doing. I agree with zjw, give it a little sober time and this will become much clearer. You really can't expect him to stop drinking - that's his body and his behavior and you can't control it. He has a right to drink. You have a right to put distance between yourself and his alcohol use.

Give yourself some time; early sobriety is a very sensitive, emotional time. Hang on.

Che

Absolutely not on every count. You are making the effort and doing things, he is being a piece of garbage.

I can't tell you what to do about your relationship. All I can say is it's obvious your partner has a real problem with alcohol too, and probably has a lot of problems dealing with his own feelings. So either you can help him through that and try to improve the health of the relationship, or you can take a break. But personally I wouldn't tolerate abuse like that. You have to stick up for yourself. His excuses for drinking are not your fault. You can help him but you're not responsible for him if you don't want to.

JeffreyAK

I was your partner, about 10 years ago. My wife had a drinking problem, and it was getting very embarrassing in public, so I basically gave her an ultimatum, quit or we're done. She started going to AA and quit, dragged me along to a few events, talked about how it was going, but I didn't hear or care because I didn't think I had a problem, she did and I resented her for the embarrassing events (there were a couple major ones). Meanwhile, increasingly, I was the one with the drinking problem, and that was about the time that my drinking ramped up significantly and I started hiding booze in the garage (on the grounds that she's an alcoholic, so I'm doing her a favor by keeping it out of the open ). 5 years later, she was dry, and I was going to rehab and in the middle of the worst addiction ordeal of my life, way way down the hole.

No one can tell you what to do, but your story reminds me of mine, and my wife might identify with your role. Your partner will not quit drinking until he's ready, and most likely there is nothing you can say to change that. Addicts have a way of projecting their issues onto other people, because owning them is too painful, and that probably won't change either. All we can do is, keep our side of the street clean, as they say, and make sound sober decisions about whether or not we want to continue in a relationship with an active addict who is obviously getting worse and worse.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you

Dee74

Some great advice here bakerylady. I'll just add my welcome - welcome!

D

fini

bakerlady,
welcome, and sorry to hear of your troubles.
sounds like alcohol is something you use in an unhealthy way as 'coping mechanism' but haven't made any decisions on whether your experiences lead you to understand yourself as an alcoholic or as someone who cannot drink again without putting controls in place. your sentences around that suggest you see yourself as being able to exercise control in the future.

be that as it may, this is the sentence which caught my attention: "We have a problematic relationship, and it made absolutely no difference, and he didn't seem to care, so I ended my commitment to sobriety. "
it's the "so" that got me.
it's like you're saying that you drank again because he didn't care.

if you read more on SR or go to meetings and hear people in 'real life', you will repeatedly hear how quitting and staying quit is much more successful when done "for yourself".

if you have a desire to stop drinking, to stop because you want rid of this for yourself, there are different ways to get that done.
they all involve work. they all involve concentrating on your own issues and not on what others are doing/not doing.

my best suggestion is to look thoroughly at yourself and at if you want sobriety. if you do, then there's help available.

it's okay not to want that.

clarity on what you want will help you decide which way to go.

Gottalife

Maybe Alanon, an organisation for friends and family of alcoholics would be something to check out. As you said, you are not sure where you are on the alcohol use disorder spectrum, but it is more clear where your husband is.

Berrybean

Why not remove him from the equation for a moment. Do YOU think your drinking (when drinking alcohol) causes you problems? Does it enhance your life, or just act as a momentary bit of relief but actually ends up adding more problems than it solves?

At the moment you don't seem massively certain on where you stand with all this, so it's very unlikely that he will be able to grasp it either. When I first went to AA i was full of rage at my partner for pretty much the same thing. I expected some sympathy. They told me, "His drinking is his business. Your drinking is your business. Just stay sober, do the next right thing, and keep your side of the street clean. You cannot control him, (what he does or what he thinks), and it's a waste of energy to try to." Boy, was I mad at them. Bloody insensitive, uncaring bunch of alcoholics telling ME to mind MY business. HUH!!!!
Turns out they were right though. And 2 years and 5 months later I am still sober. I have lots of new sober friends, and have tried and enjoyed lots of new sober activities and hobbies. I like myself. I am no longer anxious or depressed. I enjoy my work more. I have regained control of my finances (mostly). I can now enjoy time alone, and even silence, neither of which I could stand before. I have improved relationships with old friends from childhood and my family.
My partner still drinks like a fish and staggers home. His life has not improved in any way, shape or form. (And that is STILL his business).