seek

Hello - I am posting this because I cannot say this directly to the alcoholic I love so much.

I just want chronic alcoholics to know (in case it might make any difference) that I don't know how to think about the future anymore. I have lost trust. I believed each time that this was going to be the time when the cycle took a different turn.

I just want you to know that I have an intense fear of the future. I think about the alcoholic day and night. I go to bed worrying and wake up crying (often) . . .

All of the incidents that have happened have given me PTSD. I am now afraid of receiving any phone call - fear of bad news.

I am afraid to speak to the alcoholic (negative programming) . . .

I don't know if any of you love yourselves or love your family members and I know we are all responsible for our own feelings - but I can't seem to be able to deal with MY chronic fear. I won't go into the details of exactly what I am afraid of . . . I am sure many of you have families - mothers, grandmas, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles who love you . . .

I have lived my life never wanting to hurt the people I love (I actually think about this when I might do something that would cause anyone pain) . . . why don't you care about hurting yourselves or others? I know, it's a "disease" and you can't help it . . . except you can. It's your choice and in your power. Just help me understand why you think so little of yourself, your health, and the health and well-being of those you love.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain, but thanks for sharing Seek.

The only mitigation I can offer is, at the time, I convinced myself I wasn't hurting anyone but myself.

Obviously now I see things for what they were, and I know that was incredibly untrue.

Food for thought.

D

KAD

Hi seek. I'm assuming you have endured quite a lot of pain and suffering as a result of the actions of a loved one who has repeatedly relapsed. If so, what is, or has, this person done as a means of getting sober, and maintaining a long-term plan of recovery?

I, myself, have a history of frequent relapses. I never committed to any sort of maintenance program until now, and I am currently just over 15 months sober. I relapsed countless times before. The stumbling block for me, usually, was believing after a period of sobriety, I could handle "normal" drinking. I just needed to take the edge off now and then. An alcoholic simply can't do that. I know and accept that now.

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I know for certain I never intended to harm anyone, or make anyone unhappy because of my drinking. Sometimes, I could even be very loving and lighthearted in that condition, but it was overshadowed by the inexplicable self-destructive behavior that would soon follow, along with all the lies, deception, and putting others in harm's way. I caused quite a lot of pain and suffering myself.

I have come to find it next to, if not totally, impossible to explain addiction to a non-addict. But does it really matter so much that you understand it, as you'd just like to see the problem taken more seriously and steps taken to resolve it? That part is totally the responsibility of the alcoholic.

seek

I know I will never understand. I am just having a real problem trying to figure out how to maintain my sanity . . . It seems so black and white from my perspective - "don't do that" - but I realize how simplistic that is.

I do have compassion, I have lots of understanding . . . I am just having a hard time figuring out how to trust and how to deal with my PTSD, etc.

My loved one is in treatment and I pray things will be different.

In any case, I have to learn how to be okay, no matter what - and I can't seem to manage that.

Working on it.

Vandermast

Thank you for this

The reason I say this is I was a chronic relapser

It is very easy for this recovering alcoholic to be shall we say self absorbed about recovery and forget the impact of my drinking on loved ones and broader society

I've been sober for a while now and working hard to stay that way

I attend aa counselling and other things

Don't ever give up hope sometimes it takes us a few goes

I feel your pain and that of your significant other

And I'm sending you love and empathy

Peace

Van

Gottalife

"I do not understand my own behaviour. I set out to do the things I want, and end up doing the things I hate. For though the will to good is in me, the performance is not." That biblical quote just about sums up the dilemna of the alcoholic.

The fact is that chronic alcoholism is a brain disease, not a choice. It is an illness that affects all the people around the alcoholic and causes an incredible amount of damage to the ones we love.

I was blessed to make a recovery, and able to make amends to those I hurt. One, my ex, had thought my behaviour was all her fault, that there was something wrong with her. When she learned the truth it set her free, and she has gone on to live a wonderful, normal life with the people she loves.

A friend just sat with her brother while he died of alcoholism. He was yellow, in daipers, vomiting blood, had complete liver and kidney failure, and was in great pain. The last thing he wanted was this kind of death, yet even at the end, he still had a compulsion to drink. That hardly was coming from a healthy brain.

The alcoholic is a very sick person. Sometimes the people close to him/her end up even sicker. There are posibilities that one day the alcoholic might reach out for help, but it can be a long wait and often they never do. Firends and family, sooner or later, need to think fo their own wellbeing. Sometimes the best thing a partner can do is get help for them selves.

I remember one recovered alcoholic saying that when his wife went to alanon, HIS life changed.

KAD

I commend you for sticking by this person in spite of all the pain and upheaval his/her addiction has created in your life, and the lives of others. There may have been times you've asked, "Why me?" There have been times I've asked that myself! You don't have to put up with it, and it sounds like you're nearing the end of your rope. But it also appears you still see through the addiction to the person you love, and aren't quite ready to give up.

I have no personal experience with Al-Anon, but I have heard that many in your position have found help there. If you haven't looked into that already, that might be a good option. Counseling may be of some benefit, but I understand Al-Anon deals specifically with family and friends of alcoholics. It helps me to see posts like yours because, as someone else here pointed out, sometimes we addicts tend to be self-absorbed and somewhat out of touch with the damage we do in the lives of others. We need reminding, not to forever carry the burden of guilt, but to be more sensitive to those we have harmed.

seek

Thank you all for listening to me. It helped me, somehow, to feel heard. I wish you all health and happiness.