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My alcoholism is triggered by my issues with women


My alcoholism is triggered by my issues with women

Old 07-28-2016, 09:05 PM
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My alcoholism is triggered by my issues with women

Iíve been doing a lot of thinking ever since I had my DUI. And I know for a fact that my #1 trigger is issues with women. I was doing well for 3 months, all it took was one little rejection from a coworker and I went back to drinking heavily and got myself a DUI. The source of the start of my heavy drinking was due to a series of painful rejections. I never really cared about rejection or women when I was a drunk. The more I got rejected, the more I drank. Pretty soon it got to the point where I had to be drunk all the time. Now that Iíve been sober for about 2 weeks Iíve been wondering if maybe I should just avoid dating/pursuing women altogether for the rest of my life. Lately I havenít been interested in women at all, I think itís due to my DUI, the fact that I have no driverís license and I have so much going on. But Iíve also sort of been avoiding them. Perhaps itís because Iíve relied on alcohol for so long when it came to my interactions with them.

I honestly canít ever see myself pursuing a woman while sober. If I decide to pursue women I feel like alcohol will be involved in my life, in some way or some form. I canít separate the 2. Iíve never talked to anyone about this because sometimes when I tell friends they start giving me dating advice, and Iím not really asking for that. Maybe Iíll just go to school, get a great paying job that pays well, and spend my life travelling the world alone. The idea of having a family sounds nice, Iím just not sure if itís something I really want anymore or something Iím cut out for. My mother says she wants grandkids and keeps saying ďsomeday Iíll meet someone.Ē I keep trying to tell her Iím not really cut out for relationships. Iím not very masculine or outgoing; I'm very sensitive and introverted.

Do you think someone can be happy if they decide to be single their entire life? I feel like i'm going to regret not trying to date in the future.

I feel like our culture put so much pressure on men being successful with women, itís all in commercials, movies, and music.
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Old 07-28-2016, 09:18 PM
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It would be nice if alcoholism could be cured by eliminating a single trigger, but unfortunately that is not the nature of it.

Many times I thought some particular external circumstance was the cause. Running with a bad crowd was a good one, a girlfriend, and unsatisfactory job.

So I got a new girlfriend, moved to a new town, got a new job in the field I thought I was really interested in, and still got drunk.

I am an alcoholic and the truth of it was I could not "not drink". Alcohol was how I got to feel half ok with life, it was my solution to dating, in fact all social life, until it destroyed it all.

Today I can date, I can participate in every aspect of life without alcohol, It has no power over me and does not influence any decisions I might make, like where I can go and what I can do.

Your dating problem might be a symptom of your alcoholism. Your proposal, if it worked, would treat the symptom but you would not be free of alcohol because you will have treated the symptom, not the cause. King alcohol will be saying "no dating for you!" That is not freedom from alcohol.
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Old 07-29-2016, 03:57 AM
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the problem i had wasnt rejection but low self esteem- i was an egomaniac with low self esteem.

im 49 and single. have been for quite a few years, but not out of fear. i absolutely love being single. i love myself enough i can be bymyself and be comfortable now.


"I feel like our culture put so much pressure on men being successful with women, it’s all in commercials, movies, and music."

thats just a feeling thats a lie.
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:14 AM
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I believe mine has very much been problem drinking/ dealing with emotional trauma and stress. Love life included, it was like a massive trigger to drink more. And other life events, so to speak. Until the drinking gradually took over and became a problem in itself. Train of consequences more than anything, especially over the past 5 years or so.
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Old 07-29-2016, 05:50 AM
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Well, maybe you don't have to avoid dating/relationships for the rest of your life, but a good rule of thumb is to give yourself a year or so to be sober and to heal.

Cut yourself some slack and gift yourself some extended sober time, and you might be pleasantly surprised to find that dating/romance is entirely possible without the poisonous influence of alcohol in the mix.

Kind regards
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Old 07-29-2016, 06:09 AM
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I drank because I was rejected or accepted. I drank when I failed or succeeded. I drank to celebrate or mourn. I had to find another way to live cause what I was doing wasn't a life.

In sobriety things become more clear - a new reality takes hold. I accept the world is the world and simply do the best I can daily. When I am in active alcoholism little else matters but drinking. There was always an excuse, I mean reason / trigger.......

The keystone is staying sober, daily. Then more truly is revealed.
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Old 07-29-2016, 06:17 AM
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When we're drinking, we are stuck in black and white doomsday thinking. Everything is "always" and "never."

You don't really know who you are until you've given yourself time without mood-messing chemicals to experience life and how you really respond to it. Resiliency dissolves in alcohol.

You're wonderfully young...take advantage of it. Give yourself the chance to really mature mentally and emotionally by staying sober.

To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, "Oh, the places you can go..."

Find out, yes?
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Old 07-29-2016, 06:57 AM
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avoiding triggers isnt a terrible strategy but reality is sometimes you gotta just push through the tough stuff and remain sober anyhow. IE sometimes theres no way to avoid them.

I've had to learn how to avoid, deal, cope and push through stuff that otehrwise woulda sent me straight to the bottle. It alls tarted by deciding that drinkign was no longer some kinda solution to anything then I had to face the music and figure it out.

I'd say decide alcohol is no longer welcome in your life. Then figure out how to deal with your rejection issues or avoid them whatever works.
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Old 07-29-2016, 07:18 AM
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Do you think someone can be happy if they decide to be single their entire life?
Yes. I had a relative who did just this and she loved it. Travelled. Enjoyed spending her own money on whatever she liked. No kids or family.
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Old 07-29-2016, 07:42 AM
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I often wonder if my wife triggered some of my alcoholism. Or if my life pattern so far would have turned out entirely different if not for our relationship. I might very well still have been a heavy drinker, but perhaps it wouldn't have been driven to the same extremes in terms of a really difficult interpersonal situation. It's all in the rear view mirror of course and of little use today. But as a note to self, beware of romantic relationships if you have a dangerous relationship with the bottle already.
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Old 07-29-2016, 08:58 AM
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I'm 50 and have been single my entire life. I'm very happy and enjoy the single life. I realize it's not for everybody, but that's okay, I'm not everybody

That said, it sounds like you're pretty young. I think it's a little premature to get into the "I guess I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life" type of thinking. Give yourself some time to get accustomed to the sober life. Who knows, that special someone may come along when you least expect it.
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Old 07-29-2016, 10:13 AM
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Anything that makes us fearful can be a trigger. And relationships are very fear inducing, especially new and romantic ones. Thing is, there's no need to say 'never again'. I'd suggest that for now you just focus on staying sober, and develop a sobriety plan for recovery which will help you to find new and more sane and healthy strategies for dealing with emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, resentments, shame, and remourse all make it difficult for us to stay sober, but we need to do just that if we are to learn how to cope with those very feelings. It's kind of a catch 22. It took me a long time to climb out if the vortex, but when I got willing to try things that were suggested (even when they weren't 'the kind of things I do'), then things started getting better for me. After all, doing the kind of things I already did had got me to where I was, so things had to change if I wanted to get better.

It really is best not to make any big decisions early in recovery, and certainly, getting into new romantic entanglements right now probably would probably be a bad idea on a number of levels. Not least because we tend to attract people as sick as ourselves, and actually you could probably do without the grief of that right now. Plus, do you have much to offer someone at the moment? I know I wouldn't have had in early recovery. It would have been all about what I wanted to get out of it myself. Typical objectification. I did develop some (wildly inappropriate ) crushes early on to be honest. Mostly because, i think, people with a strong sobriety seemed attractive to me. But lookimg back, it was their SOBRIETY that I found attractive, not them as such. But rather than just recognising that I admired them and the way they handled life, I got things confused. I can see why people are vulnerable to 13th stepping in early sobriety. Thankfully all the people I met behaved responsibily and supportively.

Anyway - never say never, unless you're talking about taking a drink. In a year or twos time, if you're still sober and have been working on your recovery, you will no doubt be, and feel, different.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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Old 07-29-2016, 10:37 AM
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As others have shared, I drank when happy or sad, angry or elated, tired or energized, in a relationship or all alone. I also had a habit of stepping up my drinking when in a relationship. Funny how that often ended up being the thing that did the most damage.

Ignoring warnings from other friends in recovery that I should wait a year before getting romantically involved with anyone, I got involved with a woman at about 9 months sober. All the old patterns, except drinking, kicked into high gear. I was clinging to her like she was my life source, while trying to make myself hers. She is also alcoholic, but not in recovery, and at first she clung to me the same way. She met her match, though. I burned her out.

The relationship ended and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to either one of us. I learned that, even at nearly 51, I am not yet emotionally ready for that. That's OK. It's better to wait until you feel more secure in your sobriety, regardless of other conditions, before you share your life with someone else. It's not likely to work otherwise.
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Old 07-29-2016, 12:26 PM
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My suggestion is to find some interests that put you in a setting where you'll meet new people. Where someone gets to know you for other than a possible date and just make friends. If you have a dog/the dog park. Also work on your fears and insecurities and why you have them. My son never had much of a dating life. He's a sensitive introvert who was always into art and music and didn't fit in well all during school. He worked through it and is happily married. I hope you keep putting yourself out there.
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Old 07-29-2016, 04:18 PM
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Hi YoungHyde. The good news is, you don't have to figure out your whole life right now ... it's often suggested to give oneself some sober time, like a year at least, before taking on a relationship. Many people have very happy lives single, but you don't have to even decide that right now. You are young and there is not a rush...

Maybe give sobriety a chance for awhile? You might find it easier to start putting together the pieces of your life, however you want it to be.
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Old 07-30-2016, 10:36 AM
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I've never pursued anyone, so I don't what' that's like. But I would think it might be a bunch of wasted time/energy.

Anyways, my stance is regardless, if it's messing with your head too much and it's causing you to drink, then heck YA, stop pursuing women and see how it helps with your drinking problems.

One thing I know is that some people seem to like pursuing more than others, and it's not just men these days, but women these days are more bold. I've been married for a long time, and I truly don't miss dating. I also don't think a person should try awful hard to be in a relationship. The best relationships are the ones in which you can be yourself and you find you enjoy spending time with a person, YES, sober and having sober conversations.

Rather than pursuing women you can challenge yourself to discover what it's really like to just be sober; be the REAL you, not the drunk you...see what kinds of things happen in your life as a sober person who doesn't have to deal with hangovers and DUI's and stuff like that. Drinking just isn't worth!! And, in many cases, pursuing women just ain't worth.

So there, I've issued you a new challenge. Be sober and being alone for a while or even indefinitely might be something you find out you enjoy and have more peace in your life.
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Old 07-30-2016, 10:55 AM
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This is why in sobriety it's suggested no relationships for around a year

Use this time to work on yourself continually, write a possible list of triggers and keep a plan & yourself accountable by doing what it takes to remain sober

Over time there will be real realisations made & without thinking too far ahead - things change my friend some of the things I thought about in year 1 have changed perception in year 2 & so in to 3 also I see it as a continuing development that I love being a part of & it all rests on staying sober & why I'm staying sober

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Old 07-30-2016, 03:34 PM
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Hi younghyde

I can say with some certainty you're not going to be single the rest of your life

here's how it worked for me.

I was one hot mess as a drinker. If I'd started dating when I got sober I would have been inflicting myself on someone else.

I would have almost certainly relapsed because I had no idea of how to deal with emotional pain or fear.

So I stayed sober, didn't date...spent some time with myself...I learned to love who I was and to fix up those parts I didn't like.

The more I was comfortable with myself the more others were attracted to me.

When I did date again, my romantic relationships were deeper and more adult.

My advice is ...give it time. You're young - 15 years younger than I was when I quit.

Get to know who sober you is - then you can work out what sober you wants

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Old 07-30-2016, 04:07 PM
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Well, sure, there's always an excuse to drink. Might as well be women.
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Old 07-30-2016, 04:27 PM
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Interesting thread. I'm sure that I could add a few things. Just subbing, I definitely need to explore this subject more.

But for now it would appear to me too that being sober equates to being single. I was single when I drank also, mind.

Though I did at least 'get laid' occasionally whenever I took my drinking public. Not often but by the law of averages.
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