Reason for drinking?
I started drinking because I felt the "good girl" I'd been raised to become was false and I enjoyed feeling "off leash". After some years had passed, I continued to drink for the effects - the buzz, the warmth, the sense that I could escape into my own imaginings. Life without alcohol seemed dull and full of boring routines which were essentially meaningless.
I see now that drunkenness is an illusion - a dangerous illusion - and that my choices DO matter, that life is not meaningless.
I see now that drunkenness is an illusion - a dangerous illusion - and that my choices DO matter, that life is not meaningless.
I think I can make the link there. I didn't consciously drink to drown my conscience, I drank to feel better, to have a good time, to relax. I felt bad in the first place because I was blocked from the sunlight of the spirit.
My conscience is something that tells me what I need to do to get connected, and I feel bad because I don't seem able to do whatever it is. I feel bad because I am out of step with the human race. I live by instinct, the satisfaction of my basic needs being the main basis of my decision making. This almost always puts me in either internal of external conflict with the people around me. I feel bad because I behave in a totally selfish way. I feel bad because I consistently betray my own values. The only solution I know is alcohol, and it only makes things worse.
And I have come full circle. It now occurs to me that my conscience was the thing that made it possible for me to recognise my problem and seek help. With no conscience I would have had no reason to stop. I drank because I would not or could not follow my conscience, and I got sober because that changed.
My conscience is something that tells me what I need to do to get connected, and I feel bad because I don't seem able to do whatever it is. I feel bad because I am out of step with the human race. I live by instinct, the satisfaction of my basic needs being the main basis of my decision making. This almost always puts me in either internal of external conflict with the people around me. I feel bad because I behave in a totally selfish way. I feel bad because I consistently betray my own values. The only solution I know is alcohol, and it only makes things worse.
And I have come full circle. It now occurs to me that my conscience was the thing that made it possible for me to recognise my problem and seek help. With no conscience I would have had no reason to stop. I drank because I would not or could not follow my conscience, and I got sober because that changed.
Took me a long time to see it, but the ism of alcohol-ism is really about delusional thinking and nothing else. The only remedy for me was a Spiritual Awakening that opened my eyes to that simple fact.
Not-drinking has nothing to do with why I am sober today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 222
It really isnt that complicated at all, it feels good...until it quits feeling good. Then you find reasons to keep drinking to feel some of that "good" while you feel less of it while continuing to get sicker and waste away. "I just want to feel good!" while realizing you can no longer find it in the bottle. Then it gets really hard.
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