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Old 07-26-2016, 05:01 AM
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sorry

I'm sorry that I am such a bummer all full of gloom and doom. I just can't straighten out my personal problems. Things have gone too far. I just want to escape. I sometimes wonder if it is mental illness or alcoholism or both. Things could have easily been so much better if I had addressed my responsibilities. I'm a loser and a failure. So full of fear, depression and self pity. Why won't I just do what needs to be done.

I keep coming here and dropping off my crap. You guys have been very kind. I wish everything would just go away....
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:10 AM
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Hi Truckinon - I try to live simply - if these poroblems are something you can do something about, do it...

if you can't do anything about them, it's better all round to simply let go...
Easier said than done I know but try and make your peace with things and have faith that whatever happens you'll be ok ?

whatever you do, stay clean and sober Truckinon
D
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:30 AM
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My therapist says if you drink you drink. I have heard others say, even on this board, go ahead and drink if you want to drink. You simply get to a point that you want to be drunk more than you want to be sober. I'm not looking for sympathy, or using it like a threat or something. The compulsion and obsession to drink just will not leave me. And yes, I ask God to relieve me of the desire. It is such a struggle and I know it is truly a life or death decision. That is the insanity of it all.
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:30 AM
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"So full of fear, depression and self pity. Why won't I just do what needs to be done. "

are you allowing fear and self pity keep you from putting in the footwork which could be causing the depression?

youve mentioned aa before and what the program says this can be a result of self will run riot.

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good


Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. it didnt work.

thetes more in the big book after
c) that God could and would IF he were sought.
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:47 AM
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Clancy and others...

I have in my possession a recording of Clancy Imislund speaking to the South Pacific Group of AA, on which , himself having visited various therapists for psycho-analysis makes to me at least the very valid point that if you try to psychoanalyse yourself, you will never get better...

Garrison Keillor, author, writer and broadcaster makes the point,' Don't beat yourself up. Endless contrition is a pain. Make your apology, repair the damage, hold your head up and march on.'

Marcus Aurelius said, - see my signature.
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:48 AM
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tomsteve, I try so hard to turn it all over to God. I seek God daily and pray constantly. I get glimpses of serenity but it always returns to fear and anxiety. And when I say fear I am talking about terror, like living in a nightmare. Life should not be about suffering like this every day. I am my own worst enemy.
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Old 07-26-2016, 05:57 AM
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Hey - if this 60 year old former at least a pint a day of vodka and benzos to top it off user of over 30 years, can stay sober and achieve peace, You Can Too. Let the past go, the power is in You. The secular thread on this site has helped me so very much and is non-judgmental. In my experience, I didn't need any more judgment, just hope and support. WE CAN DO THIS!
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Old 07-26-2016, 06:13 AM
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would you say its your fear and anxiety that prevent you from being prodcutive and tackling your responsibilities?

I deal with this to some degree myself. for example with my work i'm good for about an hour then anxiety gets the best of me and i gotta take a break. if something goes wrong etc.. that break ends up being longer so i can calm myself down. It can and is debilitating at times. I might loose my job over it at some point for all i know. I've somehow held it together tho.

In my case it was far worse the begining as i couldnt really handle anything. now it just seems to be limited to work but then again otehr problmetic situatiosn arise and i struggle. Something simple like calling to get them to come fix my wifes leaky windshield almost didnt get done yest because i got so frustrated about it i wanted to just say screw it who cares.
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Old 07-26-2016, 06:15 AM
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if you read check out awareness by anthony de mello. Or the power of now by eckart tolle for starters anyhow
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Old 07-26-2016, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Truckinon View Post
My therapist says if you drink you drink. I have heard others say, even on this board, go ahead and drink if you want to drink.
Honestly I'd find a different therapist. You know you are an alcoholic and you know exactly what will happen if you drink, right? It seems to me that you are certainly stuck in a rut, and if depression has been the problem in the past it's probably still the problem. How often are you seeing your current therapist? Are they prescribing any meds and if so are you taking them regularly?

Praying and turning things over to god can help too, but again you can't simply wait for the world to change for you/around you. You need to make it happen too.
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Old 07-26-2016, 07:37 AM
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scott said exactly what i was thinking:
sittin in the garage all day wont make me a car.

ive had a pretty serious battle with cancer. id be dead if i turned it over to God and just expected Him to cure it.

what actions are you going to do to clean up the wreckage?

you can start by lookin at yourself in the mirror and saying something like," im not a bad man, just a sick man, but there is a solution and i love myself enough to get into action so i can love myself more."

do that everytime youre in front of a mirror.
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Old 07-26-2016, 07:40 AM
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P.S.
Gods not punishing you.
if thats what your God does, i think its time to find another God.
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Old 07-26-2016, 08:05 AM
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I don't know how long you have been without alcohol, but, for me, early sobriety was quite difficult.

You may very well be on the road to recovery, particularly if you heed the wisdom and follow the recommendations set forth on this thread.

I'm very glad you're with us.

By all means, though, don't drink.

Drinking is not an acceptable answer.
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Old 07-26-2016, 01:55 PM
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From memory ths big book says " Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
b) that probably no human power (inclding our own, and an AA group, my words) can remove our alcoholism
c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Being convinced were were at step three" make a decision to turn our will and out lives over.

I was in the same spot Truckinon, and I think I was going through the last stages of "being convinced" of what course of action to take.

Handing over is not a passive thing. Neither is it accomplished at step 3. This daily practice is accomplished much later in the program when all the blocks to the flow of Power have been removed.

It starts in a simple way, with a little prayer in the morning. "god, what do you want me to do today?" Having made the decision to hand over, we need to put that into effect. The first thing to do is begin removing the blockages. So what did God want me to do the very first day I actually handed over my will? Start step 4. It might be handy to have a sponsor to help me with that.
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Old 07-27-2016, 10:00 PM
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I really hope you will get a break Truckinon
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