Loekken

My relationship to my ex has always been deeply infused with the booze. When I first met her, I had just broken up with my previous gf and just wanted to let loose. She (my now ex) clung onto me like crazy and I couldn't let her go. I sort of tried, but I couldn't. Our relationship is so complicated and messed up now. I am trying to win her back, mostly because of our kid I think, and I tell her all sorts of things to try and convince her we should pick it up again. Deep down I have to admit that so much of it has to do with myself not wanting to finally let go of what I lost, her relationship, being a father to my kid every day, not wanting her to have another man, not wanting my kid to have another father, admitting LOSS, I LOST, lost my pride as a 'man', lost my house, goddamn possessions. Lost her. I don't want to admit it and I am scared as hell of living alone. I want them back at all costs and I feel and act delusional as hell being completely sober and it drives me damn nuts. Tired of feeling like a loser, wanting to drink, not being able to drink, etc etc etc. I am angry, mostly angry at myself of course. Drinking would be terrible but the urge gets so goddamn strong sometimes.

Loekken

is it possible to plan 15 years of sobriety ahead?

KAD

Pretty sure you're being facetious and already know the answer to that.

Sounds like you and I both could stand to take a moment to just....breathe.

I completely understand the humiliation of having lost everything that matters most to you. I don't care that my ex got remarried, but seeing my kids hanging onto their stepfather and enjoying having him in their lives, now more than they enjoy me, cuts me to the quick sometimes. It's not that I want them to hate him. I want their lives to be happy. I just want to be a part of it again. I want them to be happy with me, too.

Our pride gets trampled. It's good to be aware of these kinds of feelings, but also to pay special attention to where they take you in terms of what you think would provide relief or release. "Tired of feeling like a loser, wanting to drink, not being able to drink, etc etc etc." It's that one destructive behavior that is at the root of all the things we're pissed at ourselves about, yet the first compulsion to cross our minds when we face the inevitable consequences. We have to stop that cycle or it will continue until it kills us. It can only lead to more heartache and loss.

You're doing well. You've got just over 7 months now, right? What you're feeling isn't at all abnormal, but slow it down. Think it through. Forgive yourself. Accept the things you can't change and find the courage to change the things you can. Maybe it sounds trite, but it's far better than the alternative.

Loekken

yeah I have over 7 months now. Last night my ex said she wants 'legal, signed papers should we pick it up again'. So I have to sign something that I will never drink, or I will lose all contact to them.

I said I have no issue with this. And I don't.

KAD

She wants assurances, and in writing. I can't blame her for that. But if you're like this alcoholic, and all the rest of us, collectively we've likely made billions of promises. If you choose to go that route, I sincerely hope it works out for you and your family, but I also hope you do not center your recovery on that promise alone. Right now, you may see it as the ultimate incentive, but over time, it may create added pressure, which can lead to resentments. Especially during times when you are angry with each other or arguing over something. I won't say it never works our well, but in my experience, it usually does not.

In my last relationship, after being caught hiding alcohol yet again, I once bought a breathalyzer so my ladyfriend could check up on me whenever she needed reassurance. As with most relationships, this one was no more perfect, and we had our share of other issues. But with my history, and since I'm an alcoholic, any conflict aroused suspicion that I was drinking again. I came to hate that damned breathalyzer with a passion! I felt like we had a parent/child relationship instead of being equals. It wasn't based on trust because she was "policing" me all the time. Inevitably, I drank again, and inevitably we split up. I bashed that breathalyzer to pieces with a hammer.

And it goes on. Just this morning, that same ladyfriend - we've been friends for over 20 years - called me up and asked if, in one of my drunken rages, I destroyed pictures of her old boyfriends. I couldn't believe she was asking me that, but it was based on an incident that actually did happen about 6 years ago. In a jealous rage, I showed my ass and coerced her into destroying some of those pictures. It wasn't the pictures she was asking about today. I never even knew those existed. At first I was irritated by it, but then I had to accept that she had legitimate reason to ask. She once insinuated that I was drinking her mouthwash. I've never resorted to drinking things not intended for human consumption. But again, given my behavior up to that point, it didn't seem out of the question to her.

My point is, even though it is possible you will be able to work through all this and establish trust again, the risk is pretty substantial that that trust will be hard to come by. You will likely be asked to "prove" your sobriety or "prove" you're not drunk, and any behavior that seems out of character or reminiscent of when you were drinking will be amplified and arouse suspicion. I'm telling you this because it has been my experience. That doesn't necessarily mean it will be the case for you, so this is not meant as discouragement, but caution. It is also the reason I came to the conclusion that the relationship I mentioned before would never make it. Even as friends, it is strained because of our history.

Loekken

Good post, and you are right about it all here. I think I have already gone over these things in my head too. What I do feel I can say now, is that I would not center my sobriety on this promise alone - and I don't feel I would. As I told it to her, I would see our possible reunion as being based on my sobriety and so I would have no issues signing such papers, for instance. Because in my own mind, I have already made a clear decision that should I manage to win them back, I would require of myself to remain sober for good. Or for '15 years', as I facetiously put it last night (until my boy grows up, was my lame suggestion).

What I am very well aware of, of course, is that it very much would add additional pressure in terms of time of conflict in our relationship, for example. But I do feel I would be able to handle this sober, since I have come so far, not in terms of 7 months, but in terms of my mental fortitude. I have handled getting divorced, losing daily contact to my child, losing my home, job, monetary possessions, etc. sober, so why shouldn't I be able to handle all the rest of it, should I get them back? May sound arrogant but this is how I feel, sometimes at least.

Having said that, I am aware of the potential warning signs as you describe them and I have FEAR STILL that I would relapse one day, having signed some bloody legal documents and all, and then become legally forced to stay away from my child. That is my worst nightmare in said situation and it is a risk I cannot neglect or treat lightly for a second.

KAD

That would be an even bigger concern for me in signing such a document. I don't know how much weight such a document would have where you are, but I doubt it would carry much here. But still... the implications. What are your alternatives?

Loekken

I don't even know what she has in mind, or how this would work out. She says she wants some signed papers, to 'feel safe and so that I cannot hurt her so much again'. I said I will sign anything as long as I get them back. Then I laughed out loud to myself, not because this is funny, but because it seems ridiculous. I understand her though, her fears and concerns, all of that, of course.

In our divorce papers, it says we are supposed to bring up our child equally, on equal terms contributing to his welfare, upbringing an education, something along those lines. No idea what can be added legally to our common parenthood, but she would want us to legally marry again as well, for example. Lots of implications of which I have no overview at the moment.

KAD

Well, my best advice for the moment would be to just not be in a hurry. Think long and hard about it, maybe more conversations with her are in order. I was asked many times to make verbal promises, until she finally learned they were as empty as my apologies. Sad, but true. Then she shifted her focus to "action, not words." Words are easy, and sincerity often transient, but actions require much more diligence and consistency.

Loekken

I struggle with a lot of bitterness and resentment in terms of my past, especially how I have lived my life and the choices I made over the past 15 years. It's not just the drinking, it's everything else too. When I graduated from high school, I went traveling but I didn't make it far because of fear of standing on own legs, in many ways. I crept back to safety in my own country and struggled to find out what to do with myself in general. I then spent a lot of time regretting staying with my (now) ex, at the same time finding myself in a place where I can never regret having a child with her, for instance. Lots of double feelings too, right there. Generally speaking a lot of regret regarding the past, and an inescapable sensation that I largely wasted my youth. At 34, I feel old and bitter. I possess a fear of growing older and ending up hating myself, the world and everybody in it. It's so simple sometimes. My father hated his old man, and he ended up hating his own life. He also ended up lonely and depressed. Then he drank himself to death. I am so similar. But I cannot pass this on to my own son. I must avoid it, somehow, I am not sure how, though. I think people told me already, I can keep sober, but that isn't recovery. I don't know what recovery would spell for me.

KAD

This post brought to mind what I just read this morning in my daily readings. Overlook the brief mention of God if that throws you off. The rest of it seems relevant.

"You should not dwell too much on the mistakes, faults, and failures of the past. Be done with shame and remorse and contempt for yourself. With God's help, develop a new self-respect. Unless you respect yourself, others will not respect you. You ran a race, you stumbled and fell, you have risen again, and now you press on toward the goal of a better life. Do not stay to examine the spot where you fell, only feel sorry for the delay, the shortsightedness that prevented you from seeing the real goal sooner."

You're allowing yourself to get all tangled up in an impossible knot of guilt, shame, remorse, regret, and resentments. Even if you tormented yourself with all that from now until your last day on Earth, you will never ever be able to change what is done. All along the way, you will have lost the one thing with which you could have done anything differently - the present - adding onto a long litany of failure and frustration. You're going to have to make the effort to forgive yourself, and let go of all that old crap that only encourages more of the same. You're a bright guy, and capable of making real, positive, lasting changes in your life. For you.

Loekken

A lot of things, situations and events taking place over the previous decade or so have indeed been mixed up in the alcoholic madness that many times indeed has been characteristic of my life thus far. I count my childhood here too sometimes and my own father's train wreck of a life naturally affecting my own upbringing. I see and consider these things much more clearly now and I'm able to analyze them calmly and rationally when maintaining sobriety for a longer period. My current abstinence was needed - it was essential - in so many ways, in terms of being able to reflect on the past and even getting to know myself, in many ways. I needed that hard look in the mirror and my sobriety comes with an urgency - I had no more time to waste when picking up the pieces and even holding everything together before it all disintegrated. Particularly last year, things went downhill very fast all of a sudden and I only just managed to escape this death grip that had become the bottle. This is certainly something I never want to go back to and I remind myself of this when the thought of having a drink again tickles my mind.

Loekken

9 months around the corner.

I am due to move into a new home in 2 months time, meaning I will likely be living by myself before the end of the year. This is going to present more challenges in terms of sobriety but I feel pretty confident I will at least make it past new year. This is the plan, anyway, to go a full year.

I am also planning on quitting the antabuse soon.

Physically I feel fine but I think I'm depressed in general, my mood is very bleak and somber.

Soberwolf

Were always going to be here to help bud

Loekken

Thanks. Haven't figured out exactly how to use this place other than making the odd comment here and there. Feedback is always great of course.

Dee74

any questions just ask, here or by PM Loekken - congrats on your sober time

D