Loekken

This is of course something I have speculated about to great lengths and in detail. I possess a tremendous contempt (sometimes hatred, which is a strong word) of my old man and his actions (or, lack of actions). I always believed that everything would have been better in my life, had he done something drastic about his problem early one, say around the age I am now or earlier. But he didn't and the rest is history.

It is very true I think what you say about repeating patterns of old, in my case very much 'being my old man'. I am a lot like he was, more than any other family member. It has even been an obsession for me, a very unhealthy one, and I know it's a serious and defining character trait and psychological phenomenon in my case.

As I said, I believe his alcoholism influenced my own drinking problems decisively. I see as a matter of fact in the course of my life so far. He has been dead a good while now and I am finally trying to put him behind me, after all these years of my very own self destructive behavior. My drinking after he dies was all driven by anger, sorrow, remorse, guilt, hate, blame, deep sadness, despair, frustration... so on... you name it... any description loaded with negative explosiveness and utter destruction you can choose to add to that list. It fueled my drinking endlessly and never gave in, never stopped. And yes, I did blame myself for his demise too, shortly at least. Thinking I could have been a better son. But I know very well this isn't the case at all. So this isn't something which has haunted me in the same way as the other things I mention, I would say. Mostly I felt sorry for him. Later I became infuriated with him. Even more so after he died. I was enraged. Still am.

My boy is 4 and I can still turn things around and be a much better father for him, than the one I had myself. I actually briefly moved back to his country last year, after I became divorced from his mother, to try to live close to him. It didn't work out. I got fired from the job I had over there after being intoxicated at work. It ended up being one horrible mess and I had to almost escape back to Denmark before I got in even worse trouble with money, and the law.

We lived in his country for most of his early life, btw, until my ex finally asked me to leave the house and filed for divorce last year. His life is very good so far, he's a happy, healthy, amazing, bright, most beautiful boy. I will always keep fighting, for him if nothing and nobody else.

KAD

I wish I knew what else to tell you, without sounding like a broken record. The next step is up to you. SR is always here, and I'm sure AA is always nearby, if you choose to go that route. You sound so much like I did for most of my drinking years. I held onto deep resentments against my father, too. He didn't drink, but he was an angry, violent man. He died when I was almost 19. One of the first things we have to deal with in recovery is resentment. Otherwise, it's the nearest doorway to the next drink.

Consider how much of your time and energy is invested in battling your addiction, how prominently it figures into you life. This thread is a perfect example. To me, that is evidence it has beaten you. You know it's caused you nothing but grief, yet you appear to be leaning toward doing it again, in spite of the fact that you seem to acknowledge it will bring you nothing but more "anger, sorrow, remorse, guilt, hate, blame, deep sadness, despair, frustration... so on..."

Do you still think you control it?

Loekken

I am well aware of these things, of course.

Another guy in this thread mentioned he had a friend relapse after 40 years of sobriety. Lifetime threat, whether you find yourself 'cured' or not.

KAD

Absolutely. As I've heard or read somewhere, "Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it." It takes vigilance and maintenance of whatever method or means one chooses to keep it under control. But, thankfully, most long-term sober people don't relapse. An old friend of mine just died a couple of months ago. She was 92, and 55 years sober. She quit in her 30's and never touched another drop. But, even at 92 and in failing health, she said the temptation was still there.

KAD

I'm curious about something. In one of my last posts to you, using your own words, I laid out what awaits you if you decide to drink again. You responded that you are already well aware of these things. Yet, in another thread, you said, "Currently looking for reasons not to drink."

So, you've changed your mind? Or is it that none of those inevitable bad outcomes you are already well aware of are enough of a deterrent? Has anything anyone has offered you here as advice or solutions, or just personal experience, done anything to inspire you to change your course?

Dee74

I can't comment on other people's experiences, but personally
I wouldn't call it a threat.

I have a life I love...all I have to do to keep that life is not drink again.

That can be as easy, or as hard, as you want to make it.

D

Loekken

The 'current looking for reasons not to... ' would be a telltale sign of my despair showing its ugly face. As it does on a daily basis. And my temptation to give in and let go. Why do you drink? It's a deceit and the same old dirty whore seducing you. I think it's mostly gallows humor when I say those things. I have a tendency to get sarcastic, spit and laugh in the face of danger and misery. I am aware I should turn this into positive energy, use it constructively - and remain sober.

I like talking to people here because as I said earlier too in one of my many previous posts, talking to other addicts is some of the best treatment I've had. I see this place is for everybody, people who've remained sober half a lifetime, and people in the midst of another relapse. Desperate people and redeemed folk alike. Everything is useful as I'm in between everything.

GratefulJunkie

I have the friend who relapsed after 40 years. I mention it, only as evidence that this disease is persistent and real. And it wants us dead. It's got all the time in the world to wait. I too, wouldn't call it a threat. We cannot be 'cured' of this disease, although our mind would like to convince us we are. All we can achieve is a daily reprieve from our alcoholism(/drug addiction). But it's only a DAILY reprieve. Meaning we have to put in the effort every single day, or this disease will sneak back up on us. Sometimes slowly, over years and years. But inevitably, it will sneak up on us if we don't work our program ( whatever program that may be ) every single day. And dealing with life, not just drinking, is the most important part of sobriety. If you ask my friend, he will tell you....he worked a solid program for 37 years or so...then got complacent, started thinkin there were other things that were higher priority, didn't see meetings as being as important as they used to be, etc etc....next thing he knows he was waking up from a two day blackout. With gin bottles all over the house. This thing is real.

Loekken

I found this useful,

5 Thought Patterns That Can Easily Lead to a Relapse

... excerpt ...

1. "All or Nothing" Thinking

Have you ever used the terms “all,” “nothing,” “never,” or “always” when you are thinking or speaking about something? Perhaps you are in argument and say, “You NEVER do…..” or “I ALWAYS have to….” These words are usually inaccurate and can get you into unhealthy thought patterns that can cause a relapse.

2. Should Statements

When you use the word “should” in your thought life and sentences, you might be setting up unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. For example, if you think to yourself, “I should be so much further in life than I am right now. I’m such a loser,” you run the risk of becoming very frustrated. This type of thinking can get you pretty depressed which can lead you to relapse. Avoid “should” statements for yourself and others and, in doing so, you’ll avoid some disappointment and frustration that can fuel addictive behavior. Instead, use affirming words and focus on your accomplishments thus far.

3. Magnification or Minimization

To magnify something means that you make a mountain out of a molehill. The “no” you get when you ask someone out does not mean that you are a worthless, pathetic schmuck with no chance of ever landing a date. That’s just not true. To minimize means that you overlook the good things and focus on the bad. For example, if you’ve been clean and sober for two years, yet you focus on the five years before that when you were out there doing crazy things, you’re minimizing the good going on in your life right now.

4. Overgeneralizing

Have you ever made a negative comment about a whole group of people even though it was only one person that ticked you off? Let’s say that you’re at a 12 step meeting and a guy makes a rude comment to you. Maybe you walk away hurt and conclude that all 12 step members are rude and insensitive. This is overgeneralizing. That guy might have been rude but not every member of a 12 step group is rude. Watch out for overgeneralizing in your thought life.

5. Blaming

If you’re walking around pointing your finger at a lot of other people, you may be headed for some more problems down the road. It is common for those in active addiction to blame others for their issues. Sure, some things might be the cause of others but if you catch yourself constantly blaming others and feeling like a victim, you might want to gauge your thought life. Is everything really everyone else’s fault or can you take some responsibility as well? Ultimately, you are responsible for the Who, What and Whys of your own life.

As you continue in your recovery, be sure to check your thought patterns every once in a while to see how you are doing. If you’re struggling with negative feelings like anger, depression, jealousy, etc., you may want to go through these common cognitive errors and see if any of them resonate with you. You want to be able to really spot any patterns, habits and signs that can fuel addiction tendencies for yourself and deal with them as soon as possible. This will help you enjoy a happy and rewarding recovery.

...

I do all 5 of these 'mistakes' on a daily basis.

KAD

That's a good find. And it's also a good sign that you are seeking solutions. It indicates that, deep down inside, you know full well picking up the bottle again would be a huge mistake.

Berrybean

That IS a good find. I'm prone to all of these as well when I'm on a wobble as well!

Thanks for sharing.

Gottalife

This is how I understand minimizing:

"We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

Loekken

Found work, first day today. It's actually good to just get up and go do a job shift, takes my mind a bit off all the trouble and most notably, it passes the time effectively. I was getting very tired of me and my own thoughts running in the same circles every day.

What I can feel though also, which is worrying, is that I have this thought that as I'm slowly doing better, I still end up blaming myself for not doing better in the past. Had I just kept it together all along, everything would have been much better. The constant self blame is always there. And I have this idea that should I never be allowed to come back to my wife and make everything up to her, I will never be fulfilled, content. I must make everything right, or else, nothing will ever be alright to my mind.

Just writing this down here, since I already wrote it down to myself but decided not to send it to her. She needs some peace, I know it.

KAD

Glad to hear you found work! That's great. I'm certain I won't be telling you anything you don't already know, intellectually, when I say let go of the past, hindsight is always 20/20, and there's not a single thing you can do to change what you did even a second ago. It's all true, though, and it's what I tell myself nearly everyday: Let. It. Go. We can drive ourselves nuts (or back to a drink, whichever comes first) beating ourselves up over fumbles and foibles and just stupid choices. We'll never be able to back up and do it any differently, but we can do it differently today. That really is all we have.

Loekken

Yes, you are of course totally right there... I guess it's easier for some than others, letting go of yesterday (year). These are things that will just be bothering me for a long time, it's up to me how I handle them (preferably in a constructive way.)

KAD

Oh, by no means has it been easy for me. I don't know if you saw one of my posts from just a couple days ago indicating I was feeling very low and missing my kids. I struggle with daily anxieties, fear, regret, worry... it hits me the hardest in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. I get tired of being alone, tired of feeling like my life is passing me by. No...easy it is definitely not. I have to actively remind myself every day to realign my focus on what I can do today, be grateful for what I have, and just keep doing the next right thing.

I do hope I get better at it because it's exhausting sometimes!

Loekken

I just looked at the calendar and in exactly 7 weeks I'm due to fly over and visit my kid. That's sobriety motivation right there for me.

Loekken

I have practically felt like being on the verge of a nervous breakdown over the last couple days, btw. So don't think I'm getting all joyful over here. Just trying to focus on the positive I guess.

KAD

I know the feeling. Seriously. If we manage to get through those pits - and they're just part of life - without resorting back to the one major contributor to our current state of affairs, that is progress.

Loekken

How many times have you guys tried drinking in moderation? How did it go? Curious about this...

I always thought I would be able to handle my drink, yet here I am living as a 'dry alcoholic'. I was a functioning alcoholic until it all collapsed, should I describe myself within this type of terminology.