silentrun

6 months was a real turning point for me Starlight. I went from trying to stay sober to trying to get better. I think you are doing pretty good and things actually did start to fall into place the longer I stayed sober. It seems like the first year is all about recovering physically and the second year was spent putting my marbles back where they belonged. I wish I had the foresight to see a professional as that may have sped up the process. Give yourself some time.

graciepearl

So yes, I can pretend to have 'fun' in life without the booze - but it would just be pretending.

Fake it till you make it..

Loekken

What exactly do you mean by that?

KeyofC

To me maybe that person is saying that when we commit to sobriety it is uncomfortable, for a while, a long time maybe. I have to change everything about my life and I had/have to change a lot of things about me. I have changed so much that sometimes I'm even confusing to myself. Fun..for me, fun took a while to come back. What do I find funny? What is my definition of funny? Things I used to find funny were usually forms of downing another person, someone else's bad luck, or something in general that just wasn't funny but because I was in my usual drinking stupor it was funny to me. Funny was usually at someone else's expense.
"Fake it til you make it"...is an AA term.
Being uncomfortable just "is" for a while. Changes and conforming to a new way of life, learning a new "you", changing negative thoughts and actions and behaviors. I haven't matured in many ways for many years. I skipped it. I was too drunk to realize I should do things different. I am still uncomfortable, but it's where I am supposed to be and it's usually when I have the most personal growth. Again, all my bad days sober, are better than one second drunk.
I remember things. I don't wake up wondering what I did, what I said, if I've hurt someone..you get what I'm saying. I am in control of me.
Again, my thoughts here...hope something helps you.

Loekken

An AA term, huh. Guess it didn't really appeal to me, because 'faking' something certainly isn't something I want to do. I've actually made myself a promise these days exactly to fake nothing in my life anymore. Because I was faking a lot of stuff when I was drunk and I despise myself for that nowadays. So I'm trying to be honest and real in everything I do and say, and intend to keep it that way from here on out, whether I'm drunk or sober. It's a promise I made to myself, also as a way to overcome my guilt, I think. Just be honest everyday and - especially - don't be so concerned what others think of you.

I appreciate your kindness here, though. It certainly sounds like you've come a long way and it's great to hear success stories.

ScottFromWI

I truly believe honestly is a cornerstone of sobriety, and life in general really. My drinking was also rooted deeply in lies and deceit ( both to myself and others ) so I think you are making a good promise.

Loekken

By the way, how do you guys make it through social settings where there's drinking going on and lots of fun?

Do you fake it through the night, to make it?

KAD

Me either. But to be fair, many in AA, including myself and my sponsor, do not use or agree with that phrase, for the same reasons you reject it. There are lots of things you'll hear among people in AA that are not necessarily in the Big Book or any other approved AA literature at all. So, just like any other group of humans, you're gonna get some who'll steer in you the right direction, and some who are still pretty much lost themselves.

Well, for me personally it's very easy to not be the least bit tempted in a social setting where alcohol is involved, as I did 99% of my drinking alone. From early on, I found drunk people loud, obnoxious, and annoying, so I usually couldn't wait to go home and enjoy my buzz alone. That said, it's when I'm alone that the thought of drinking pops into my head the most, but what I am doing to deal with it has been very effective thus far, and it doesn't involve faking anything.

KeyofC

Honestly to me, it's doesnt seem fun to me anymore. I don't want it or need it to know if I'm having a good time. I tolerate it to a point. My husband still drinks some. There's a point I get to when I see people are beyond the point of a few casual drinks and I'm over it. I exit stage left. They can have their drinks. I have my peace of mind and a water or coke or whatever.

ScottFromWI

I generally don't participate in social events where drinking is the main focus anymore. It's a very common misconception that "FUN" can only be had when alcohol is consumed, and also a very alcoholic/addictive train of thought.

At any given moment, people are having fun all over the place without even thinking about alcohol. Sports/athletic activities - clubs, volunteer organizations, spiritual/religions/mindfulness activities, the list is pretty much endless of things "to do" that don't involve a drop.

JeffreyAK

If the "fun" is just the drinking, it's not fun to me anymore, and I don't want to be around it - if I have to go, I'll make an appearance and then leave. If it's genuinely fun, then I don't need alcohol to have fun, and in fact alcohol just gets in the way.

Berrybean

I've found that I can quite enjoy chatting or dancing or whatever (now anyway) while there are still some fairly sobriety people around. Once it gets to the stage that people are repeating themselves, and getting that special kind of opinionated and overconfident that tends to happen when people are drunk, then I quietly sidle off home.

I used to feel quite resentful of this at first, but after a while i started to feel differently. After all. Nowadays I get good value for my time, I can have a night out (albeit shorted), then a night in (when I get back and there's time for supper and TV or a book or whatever) and I also get the morning because I'm not feeling sick and full of the fear.

Exit strategies have played a key part in my plan (something I think Dee taught me). Even when I went on a Hen weekend in Berlin. If i was out with friends I'd warn them that when I'd had enough I'd disappear off home. It's not because I'm upset or angry or anything. I've just had enough. If it's just a social gathering I learned that actually people don't really notice or mind when you make an early exit, but if drunk they'll pretend to, and it'll be the whole crabs clawing the other back in the basket scenario if I say goodbye, so I just sidle off in those situations.
Sometimes just a break is enough, so going for a walk, or somewhere for a coffee, is enough to regain my equilibrium and then i can return.

BUT. If I'm not enjoying the company, the place or what's going on, then no, I don't stick around. This has meant that some of the friends who I spent lots of time with when drinking are now just part of my past. No fallings out, I just don't see them so much now. Some of them still want to see me sober so we meet up and do other stuff. Others don't, and that's fine. I did need to actively explore new stuff that I DO find fun sobriety though, and that's a hard one at first.

Loekken

This is true of course, and I was indeed referring to my own addictive train of thought. The thing is, I would feel like I am indeed 'faking it' to a certain extent, should I opt to partake in such other activities you mention, in order to stay active and steer clear of alcohol situations at the same time. Which isn't necessarily a wrong thing to do, and I suppose what AA encourages among other things.

My adult life up until now has very much centered around social 'alcoholic' situations, and it isn't something I just shrug off like that, and I'm not the type of personality to just go out and meet new people, unfortunately. So I become isolated, albeit sober at the moment. I can try to force myself out of this, but as I said, I don't feel like it since it wouldn't be a genuine thing I want.

The danger here is, of course, that I eventually relapse into my pattern of old. I can feel too that these thoughts and dangers become darker with age too, which is something new and pretty unsettling, actually. Like I am not entirely sure what's happening with me mentally, also when I'm sober for a prolonged period of time. Because this is in fact my longest sobriety period since, maybe 18 years old and so we're talking more than 15 years and just about my whole adult life.

Berrybean

All of my social activities revolved around heavy drinking, with heavy drinkers (possibly alcoholics, but only they can decide that). The months where I persisted in sitting in my usual bar stool, with the old drinking crowd, the sober one amongst the Drunks, were very, very painful. Yes, I was surrounded by people. But the connection wasn't there. I started to dislike them, almost as much as I disliked myself. Thankfully we were relocating anyway (the move had been arranged before I got sober ) and so those old habits and circles were broken. We still visit from time to time, and now I can last an hour or two max just sitting there listening to the same old drivel that was being repeated over and over again 2 years ago. I am very grateful that I escaped that cycle. It's incredibly depressing when I go back and am reminded of it.

Some of those people did turn out to be friends rather than just mutual friends of the booze. Those people will meet up and do other stuff than just booze (occasionally ), but they're not massively reliable - just as I wasn't I suppose.

KeyofC

I can be around drinking, to an extent. I have my limit. If it's casual drinking fine. But as the others have said, I was a heavy drinker surrounded and involved with heavy drinkers just like me. My husband still drinks some, but that has improved since I don't drink anymore. Friends and family we used to hang with, still drink heavily. After that "one is one too many"...I get annoyed and irritated and I look for an exit. I too, moved on from hanging with certain people, I stopped frequenting certain places, and some family members who drink heavily I handle in smaller doses. Boundaries. I commit every morning that I won't drink today. It's my first priority because it's important to my well being. I guard it, like it's gold. It's definitely easier now, and it makes me a better person.

GratefulJunkie

Tripping Acid can be a 'spiritual experience'...does that automatically make LSD religious??

Man, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. And I'm sorry you don't think you can succeed with sobriety, etc etc. and I'm sorry for my previous comment. I had lost a friend to this disease, and a mix of emotions came out in my comment. The main emotion is that he's probably dead bcuz nobody would cut the feel good **** and tell him like it is ( AND he wouldn't listen when ppl would ). This disease kills ppl, all day everyday. And it wants you, and me and everybody else here dead. And it's more patient than you and I can ever be. It'll wait 40 years if need be. ( recently had a friend who is 40 years sober, relapse. If that doesn't prove its a real disease, i dont know what does ). Spiritual doesn't HAVE to have ANYTHING to do with RELIGION. But if you don't wanna hear that, it doesn't matter if I capitalize every single letter. What I also hear in some of your comments are 'things would be better if I just got my wife and kid back'...that's alcoholic thinking. It's the same idea as 'I can stay sober if I just move out of state' etc...no matter what, no matter where you go, there you'll be. Your mind, your alcoholism, will not be cured by THINGS. Not your child, your wife, your job, your car, bank account, friends, social status, any of it. But the main problem is, you seem to refuse to believe that. And you seem to refuse to just TRY something different. Anyways, I hope things get better. And I hope my last comment wasn't too *******-ish. Just hate to see my friends die from this disease. And if you go back to drinking, death will be on your heels the whole time. But what other choice will you have, but to drink again, if you continue on with your current belief?!? Good luck.

Gottalife

There are so many misconceptions about AA. Faking is very definitely not part of the AA program, in fact it would be contrary.

Likewise the idea of hiding away from alcohol and life as the following quote illustrates:


"... we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.

So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't."

or: " While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor."

AA advocating a social life? Whoda thinkit?

Loekken

No need for any apologies, I hear mostly true words and honesty is just what I need to hear. I do feel though that my wife and child are the only ones who can save me; call it alcoholic thinking, surrender, weakness, call it what you like; this is how I feel and I will not any longer try to convince myself that this is the wrong way to look at it. I am weak and totally dependent on having them in my life and I will not pretend that other people can replace them or even remotely make me feel better about myself. In a sense, I'm beyond what is a 'wrong' or 'right' way of thinking. I know how I feel about it and I truly believe I can stay sober should I win them back. And I truly believe I will fail to stay sober alone. Ten years ago yes, I would manage anything alone. Not anymore.

Berrybean

That's kinda passing the responsibility on. We can all only do this for ourselves. Your AV must be loving this.

Loekken

Well, I don't agree. I need people in my life who truly matter to me. I think everybody does.