Behappy1

One thing that I have learned through this journey is that what others think of me is NOT my business. I don't even want to hear what they think. The only thing that I can do is the next right thing. In my case, I had a DUI. From a very small town and it was in the papers, on our local news website and broadcast on the radio station. Which means for at least 24 hours it was played in all local businesses when they ran the news section.

I was mortified, devastated. Still am! I could not bare the negative talk. In fact, I KNOW there was negative talk, but I did not hear any of it. The only thing I heard was support, well wishes, you can do this. I received cards, texts, emails of all positive. I KNOW the negative is out there. I know there are tons who like to see a successful person fall. But I've also learned how important those closest to me are. The others - well not my problem.

In the end I am learning that I cared WAY too much about what others thought of me. I'm sorry you've had confidence broken. It's hard enough to deal with the embarrassment alone without being insecure that someone you may not want to know of your problem now knows.

KAD

Just realizing that the main reason I am hypersensitive to what others say and think right now is that it factors greatly into my chances of restoring my relationship with my children. My ex has full custody and doesn't think much of me no matter what I say or do. It is likely I will soon be facing her in court in an effort to regain unsupervised visitation rights, so I will have a number of people scrutinizing me. I know I can't allow them to affect my behavior one way or the other - I can only be myself - but I am also very aware of their eyes on me and how they will interpret whatever I say and do. It is what it is. I will never give up on my kids.

zjw

yeah getmeout I feel as if no ones qualified to be my judge and i'm not qualified to be anyone elses.

but it sure does stink when people got there eye on you etc..

I've never ever been a fan of accountability with others for that reason. I feel no ones qualified to hold me accountable heck i'm barely qualified to do so lol. and I've also noticed there are some that actually enjoy holding others accountable in probably not the healthiest of ways.

I like the idea of wearing it on my sleeve as a way of possibly helping the next guy out but I just need more courage to do so.

Ponies965

I have been through this. Just keep doing the next right thing, see your kids as much as possible so that they can see your healing process. Hang in there.

silentrun

You know Z it wasn't just the alcohol you dealt with. You also stopped smoking and lost 100 lbs while giving up all processed foods and even meat. You are changing 3 things that cover at least one problem over half the population has trouble with. Even if someone doesn't drink or smoke they very well may have trouble with food. Even if a person doesn't have one of those 3 they probably know someone who does and would like to help them. I don't understand why you think people have their "evil" eye on you. Hasn't anyone complimented you?

fred59

early in recovery I told to many people I was in recovery as the years went by I kept it to myself. Example as my kids were playing sports there would be parties and it seemed such a big deal to some of the parents that I did not drink my simple answer was I just don't drink alcohol does not agree with me and would leave it at that. I did even tell my kids I was a recovered alcoholic until they went off to college and then we had a discussion about drinking and possible consequences .

KAD

Well, the added stressor is that I have only seen my youngest daughter once in over a year. She has stated that she's not ready to see me again "for a while." I don't know why and no one is telling me anything. That's part of what I want changed, through court if necessary. I won't force her to do anything she's not ready to do, but I want someone to communicate with me what's going on with her. I can't do anything to address a problem if I have no idea what it is.

EndGameNYC

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tomsteve

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But didn't we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?

zjw

"Evil eye" thats a good way to put it.

Yeah i've received compliments. But the problem is me and its a complicated one. Part of it is I'm used to compliments quickly being followed up with some criticisim or being empty or serving someone elses agenda in order to manipulate me. IE compliment me to make me more maluable for there own self serving needs. Its rare it seems a compliment is genuine.

That being said. someone clsoe to me could compliment me today on something and well thats done thats over with now a week from now I'm still thinking but but look at what i achieved! and well no one cares now we noticed complimnet given time to move on.

So sure I lost over 100lbs and did all these things but who cares its in the past. I quit drinking 5 years ago and i still want a trophy? I lost the weight 4 years ago big woop its over and done with same with smoking.

Sure it might matter to some on the board. It might be inspireing. I sure hope it is and does. I share it here in the hopes that someone else will ya know it aint all over for me my story aint done I'm not to old or too sick or ruined myself too much etc.. I can actually still do some of these things.

I met someone years ago tho that recogonized something about me that i never really even quite figured out. They stated i needed constant positive reassurance. Constantly being told hey its gonna be ok hey your doing alright he dont worry about that hey dont sweat the small stuff. THey realized that i needed it so much so that it could be annoying to the person having to dish it out. I thought about that for a sec and was like yeah ya know your right that level of reassurance would get me to some kind of a normal line where as others might get a big head and such.

At the same time someone compliments me today on something. THen the next day is a new day why should they compliment me again? at the same time since they wont cause that would be rediculous to most I kinda start off back where iw as feeling low and having to talk myself back up etc.. to face the new days battle.

I hope this post explains my thinking

The contrast too all this tho is yes those that have there evil eye on me. those that are waiting for me to fail. Those that might pay a compliment as a formality but really they are thinkgin yeah wtvr he'll fall off the wagon again always does. Lucky for me I dont have many of these.

and I know loosing weight quiting booze and smoking is great. But believe me there are many where I might say hey you know I was able to quit that or something and they get an attitude with me. They see it as me preaching on my pedastal or something even tho i desperatly try to not do that. So there is that aspect as well.

You mention you quit these things and such and its amazing the number of different reactions you could get. Sometimes its just easier to keep it to yourself.

zjw

oh and i have those in my life who think i make it look easy and have no idea what there going through and i should just shutup etc... ::facepalm::


that kinda stuff is another reason why i'll be like Ok let me keep my mouth shut dunno whom i might offend inadvertantly

KAD

I understand so well where you're coming from. If we are the sort who seem to need an inordinate amount of validation, which tends to put others in a very uncomfortable position, I've found it is better to be very selective with whom we share personal information. I've experienced that same "need" even here at SR, where the "Thanks" button becomes the equivalent of "Like" on Facebook. If I don't receive that acknowledgement then immediately I start wondering if I'm being ignored, or if what I said was stupid, counterproductive, or irrelevant, or worse, it's symptomatic of my sickness and instead of telling me so, people are just gonna leave me alone to stew in my paranoia! It's enough to make you crazy, and if you reveal that constant need of validation and acceptance to others, it makes them crazy, too. Believe me, I know.

At a meeting last night, we discussed dependence upon others. It was very relevant to this topic, touching on the various ways we lean too heavily on other people and expect them to meet needs no other human can possibly satisfy for us. We can drain them dry, and it may very well be that others in our lives are sicker than we are or have ever been. We're all only human. That's why, personally, and I'm still learning this on a daily basis, I'm finding that spiritual growth, i.e faith in a perfect God, is the only thing that comes close to fulfilling those needs and, as a result, I'm also finding that those needs are beginning to lessen. That creates an atmosphere of silent peace and serenity. Not all the time, not by a long shot, but often.

zjw

yeah good points getmeout.

I had someone tell me its like I"m complaining about the color of my shoes to the guy who has no feet. Consider your audience before you open your mouth etc...

Your right you could be draining someone when you should be helping someone or just keeping your mouth shut. its tough to say.

all good points.

aasharon90

My life today is like an open book
with no secrets to hide, no dishonesty,
no covers to hide under, especially
when it comes to my recovery.

Over the yrs. I have had to learn about
addiction and not only how it has affected
me personally in all areas of my life, but
others around me too.

In early recovery, sure I was ashamed
and full of regrets, remorse, etc, of how
I made a fool of myself or lied or stole
when under the influence of a controlled
substance running rapid thru my mind,
body and soul.

Living a sober life using a program of
recovery as a guideline has helped me
make amends, not repeat old behaviors,
learn to forgive and be responsible in
my own life and recovery.

I wear my AA pendant that sparkles
when the sun hits it and is also a symbol
of my recovery program I practice in
my life on a daily bases.

I know it says AA stands of alcoholics
anonymous and yes I firmly believe in
this program and its steps that have
paved the path for me to live my life upon
each day, but to be silent against
this addiction that nearly took me
from this life and has already ripped
so many others away from us, I cant.

I am just one small voice who feels
passionate about my recovery life
over the past 25 yrs and feel like if
I should hide my addiction and recovery
from the world, then how would others
know that there is hope to get sober
and remain sober incorporating an
effective program in our daily lives
to reap all those awesome rewards
and promises blessed upon us to enjoy,
appreciate and be grateful for.

I also have my AA sticker on my car
and our motorcycle to allow others
familiar with AA and recovery that
they are not alone. To see one on other
cars or vehicles makes me smile and
want to reach out to them and say
'hey, im a FOBW, friend of Bill W. too'.

I am here today to share my own ESH -
experiences, strengths and hopes with
others struggling with addiction about
what my life was and is like before, during
and after alcohol.

Im not ashamed any longer about
my addiction, but rather blessed that
I have found a solution available to
all of us struggling with it.

Addiction and recovery is not
something that should be kepted
quiet any longer. It's just as serious
now a days like so many other illnesses,
diseases, sicknesses out there in the
world today.

I am proud, humbly proud to say I
am a recovering alcoholic alive,
sober, honest, blessed today and
for the past 25 yrs.

You can be too..!!!

'To know oneself, one has to assert themselves.'

hopeful4

I will give you the other side. I covered up for my X who is an alcoholic for YEARS. To the point that I had isolated myself, and felt I had no one to talk to. Eventually I did open up and tell family and stop covering for him, for me. I needed a support system for all that was happening within my family. Nor did I want to lie about why he would do this or that anymore. It became unhealthy for me.

This did two things. One, it made us both realize that people knew anyways, and it gave us the opportunity to educate people on addiction and what that means in a family, including giving me a support system. Two, it gave him people to be accountable to. He cares what these people think, so it is an internal accountability, nothing they were even actually doing. It was all perceived on his own end.

I am not talking that I told everyone and their brother, but I did tell our families. Even though we are no longer married, I do still feel like this benefitted both of us. I think if he thought about it, he would think so too.

Hope it helps at all to hear from the other side of the coin. If not, please ignore!

Mountainmanbob

how to handle people who tell others your business

Straight out confront them about it.
or
Slowly work them out of your life.
or
Stop telling them anything that you wish for the world not to know.

MB