SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Alcoholism (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/)
-   -   Effects of Fear & Anxiety (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/394548-effects-fear-anxiety.html)

Whodathunk 07-15-2016 07:32 AM

Effects of Fear & Anxiety
 
In my last few months of drinking my daily routine was to wake up, go downstairs and throw up in the kitchen sink (I learned to do this quietly, my how we become experts at everything). I most mornings was still drunk from drinking till I went to sleep around 1:00am, which nightly would involve chugging red wine from a bottle (on top of the afternoon's and evenings drinking) so as to guarantee I go to sleep (pass out).

Feeling a lot of fear and stress right now. Big event planned at the house next weekend, my ass is on the line to get a pretty large to do list complete involving contractors, maintenance people, scheduling, replacing light bulbs, the list goes on. On top of this I have my regular work to do.

At least I have this weekend and all next week, which for me will include late nights early in the week to make sure I am ahead of schedule, so that I have room at the end for last minute panic stuff needed to be done by my W that she will have forgotten to give me to do, but this is part of my planning, considering how others will not do their part and I get to clean up for them.

So this morning, up at 7:00 am, riddled with anxiety and fear. I did a new drill on a new online journaling site I found to write down what I have anxiety and fear about, why am I feeling the anxiety and fear, are they justified, and how can I get done what is causing the fear and anxiety. Then I listed good things that I did yesterday, and I made a to do list for today.

THREE LISTS, and NOT LONG ones. This helped a lot.

My shrink has been trying to get me to focus on mentally going over my anxieties, but it had not worked. But it was Tuesday or Wednesday night at the 10:30pm AA meeting, the best one I have ever been to, where the topic was fear, anxiety and not beating ourselves up all the time, and looking at the good we have done and accomplished, I heard multiple times in multiple ways, how this younger group (I am 54, the 10:30 pm crowd is mostly and always 20-30ish) handles it. Their sponsors had told them in different ways, to WRITE DOWN on paper what as the issue at the moment. At the end of the day, WRITE DOWN on paper what you did right that day. First think in the morning WRITE DOWN on paper what is bothering you.

I did this this morning after throwing up. It really helped.

I needed to get this out of my head this morning before heading out to work then to 'hit my list', a brain trash dump for me.

Thanks for reading. :) Don't drink today!

biminiblue 07-15-2016 07:36 AM

So...you're still drinking? Or the throwing up is habit? I'm confused.

Stopping drinking and remaining abstinent over time will help with the anxiety.

ScottFromWI 07-15-2016 07:45 AM

Sounds like a lot of work Whodathunk but I think you are definitely managing it well. I also deal with anxiety and did when I was drinking too - it does subside over time, but I also needed to actively address it. It sounds like you are doing that as well via therapy, and it sounds like your getting along with your therapist well - keep it up as they are hard to find ( good ones !)

Best of luck on all of your projects.

Whodathunk 07-15-2016 07:48 AM

Sorry. Not drinking. Old anxiety physical habits surfacing, which I consider as a karmic kind of reminder that I need to really count my blessings and be on alert for anything that might cause me to want to drink. I need to keep my sobriety front and center right now.

New Sober Date is 07/10/15.

Thanks for asking for clarification.

As far as reduction in anxiety by not drinking, agreed, but for some of us, anxiety is a bigger deal then it being less by not drinking. In some cases anxiety becomes heightened because we no longer get to hide and numb ourselves, but I understand your point.

And yes, for serious anxiety problems, as in health and mental, those people (like me) should seek medical advice and help. I have a shrink that I see regularly and am on Sertralene, the generic for Zoloft, and it has been a big help. Still, there are times when overwhelming anxiety just invades and takes over.

I like to think that it is my alcoholic brain trying to get me to drink to ease the anxiety, this helps me keep sobriety on my front burner. We all have our ways, this is just how I handle it.

zjw 07-15-2016 08:19 AM

I"ve taken a diff appraoch. I try not to bite off more then i can chew and keep my life insanely simple almost too simple to be honest. I also am not ambitious about much because I find that ambition just is a breeding ground for more and more anxiety.

At times however tho I think gee I should do more with my life. I should be more ambitious etc... Tackle some new big goal or something. But then I'm like nah one step at a time take it easy. Its not that i never tackle some new thing I"m learning to play a new instrument right now thats a biggie I guess. But thats plenty for me.

But back when i drank well maybe before the last year or so. I was rather ambitious the go getter at work tackled anything that came my way. burned the midnight oil solving problems and drinking my brains out. I tried to be superman and I guess on the outside it looked like all was going well but it fell apart.

I also had the same routine of drinking till pass out waking up barfing sometimes but almost always still drunk from the night before etc.. I used to wonder if 'd get a DUI on the way to work at 8am even tho my last drink was at midnight or something. Just because I had drank that much and was still pretty drunk. and now that I think about it that was a daily thing so I guess i should reconsider the number of times i did indeed drive drunk and add those in.... ::facepalm::

Whodathunk 07-15-2016 08:28 AM

It's amazing too how the anxiety strips me of my appetite. It is a chore to force down food on days like this. Another one of the times when I really used to enjoy drinking. Just keeping it front and center.

Thanks for your responses.

And Scott, she IS a good shrink, and she charges a lot for it!!! But it is worth every penny. I was skeptical in the beginning, but no longer.

zjw 07-15-2016 08:48 AM

yeah i'm one of those i get anxious and dont eat types as well. tho my anxiety level has to be in a certain place for that. I guess its better then being an emotional eater tho.

ScottFromWI 07-15-2016 09:04 AM


Originally Posted by Whodathunk (Post 6045806)
It's amazing too how the anxiety strips me of my appetite. It is a chore to force down food on days like this. Another one of the times when I really used to enjoy drinking. Just keeping it front and center.

Thanks for your responses.

And Scott, she IS a good shrink, and she charges a lot for it!!! But it is worth every penny. I was skeptical in the beginning, but no longer.

Yep, my gastrointestinal inner workings get all messed up when I'm anxious, sometimes overactive and sometimes underactive. Pretty amazing how powerful your mind is to be able to affect your body in different ways.

I just started seeing a counselor myself last year and It's definitely got to be a good fit. I am on my second one - the first one was nice enough, we just didn't see things the same way. The one I have now does and also happens to be a recovering alcoholic herself so we have a lot of similarities.

My insurance covers some of the therapy sessions, and I only go about once ever 3 -4 weeks, but even if I had to pay the full cost out of pocket it would be a LOT less than I spent on alcohol ;-)

Berrybean 07-15-2016 10:42 AM

Are yiu working the program with a sponsor (doing daily work -prayer meditation literature inventories and step work) or is it just meetings?

If you don't have a sponsor I'd suggest getting one soon so you can start benefitting from the program outside of meetings like those younger folk are doing. That's when it works. When you work it. Good job on the written work.

Whodathunk 07-15-2016 01:06 PM

Nope, no sponsor. I have had two of them. I carefully waited and asked the first guy. Went pretty well till the 5th step. He wanted to do it after the meeting in the parking lot, and I did not know any better thinking "Okay, well this is how it's done", then he stops me to point out a hot babe walking by, and under a minute later tells me he has a meeting to get too but will text me when he is done.

If you've done the 5th step, it's a raw and exposing one, and for me being a VERY untrusting and VERY private person, I felt like I was left naked in the middle of times square at noon in freezing weather. I had my relapse from hell.

After getting back on track I carefully selected a different kind of sponsor, an older seemingly wiser person, unlike the other younger guy who seemed to be a lot like me. This guy had rules, checking in with him regularly, on a schedule, and well I just don't do well being told what and when to do something.

So with my personality being this way, along with utter distrust of 99.999% of the human race (for apparently some pretty decent reasons two professionals have told me), it will be very hard for me to give another person a try to be a sponsor. Sorry, but some of this stuff is very personal, there is no legally bound right to privacy, and "What we say here stays here" is not all the time the case. Stick around long enough, listen enough, and you will hear someone talking to someone about someone and what they said or did.

So, I know the drill, give someone a try again, gotta do the drill or it won't work, I maybe be sober but I am a drunk sober in the head, heard it, got it crystal clear. But I also know that there is a very very very long list and % of sober people with sponsors who relapsed, AND came back, but certainly a reasonable % that did not come back or drank themselves to death in some way or another.

So today I am on my 370th day of sobriety using the tools I have learned and going to as many meetings as possible and spending a lot of time online first with another site and now this one. Before my relapse in April 2015 I had 2.5 years, and no sponsor would have talked me out of thinking I was actually not a drunk and convinced I was able to drink socially. So, I don't blame lack of sponsorship on my relapse, or my bad days, or my anxiety or fear, since for the most part people WITH sponsors have fears and anxiety, some worse then me, some less then me, but who really knows. And it does not matter. Nor do I blame those WITH sponsors on relapsing because they HAD a sponsor, and I don't buy into the logic that WITHOUT a sponsor they would have relapsed sooner or would not be as healthy.

There are good sponsors and there are bad sponsors, just like there are good lawyers and bad ones, good doctors and bad ones, good financial planners and bad financial planners, you get the gist. We are all different and different things work for everyone. I have nothing against sponsors, I tried it, it did not work for me, and this is not to say I might not give one a try again. And yes I know I can use my shrink and a spiritual leader (priest or similar), got it.

I don't like there there is no licensing to be a sponsor, no minimum time of sobriety to be one. At the end of the meeting people just raise their hands as being available, some or more of whom I have been there long enough to hear some of their tragic stories of relapse and failure, yet they are now sponsoring? Sure, relapse MIGHT be part of sobriety, I mean, how many people stop and never drink again without ONE slip up. I get it. But there is absolutely no criteria to be a sponsor other then you have done the steps and are sober. Too ambiguous. Too many moving parts. Too many variables. NO confidentiality where if someone violates the trust you can sue their ass in court, leaving your only choice to either beat the **** out of them, then risk jail time, or just back away and try someone else.

Anyway, this is what my brain goes through when someone suggests a sponsor being very important for me. Not saying it's not, and I might have one one day. But not today for my own personal reasons. No knock on anyone else. Let me be clear on that point. I am a strong strong advocate of no matter what you do, no matter how you do it, no matter what program you use or don't use, if what ever you are doing is keeping you from drinking day after day, then I am your biggest fan. When you slip and fall and keep trying I am your biggest fan. We just keep fighting, growing, trying new things that work, or sticking with the horse that got you to where you are. It's a wonder we can be sober, so for me I truly believe in a HP. I am not religious, and did not become spiritual when I stopped drinking, I just got to know the spirituality that I always had, that helped me through childhood and my early adult years without me ever knowing I had a HP along with me the whole time. So, I do have a team, a sponsor for lack of better words, it's just not someone that anyone else will see or know. :)

uncorked 07-15-2016 04:29 PM

Whodathunk, I don't do AA, but I always wondered about the whole sponsor thing. Seems sorta like the blind leading the blind in that no one is required to have a degree in addiction medicine, be licensed, or even have a background check. Wouldn't be my cup of tea, either.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:14 AM.