How Do You Deal With People Who Critique Your Sobriety
 

I've known I had a drinking problem since 2007. My problem evolved alongside my ex husband's. We'd drink together, frankly because we had nothing left to say. I think we both felt trapped in the marriage due to very conservative backgrounds, kids, finances. The difference was, he was ok coasting it out slightly numb. I was dying inside. And then I was just dying. Unlike him, I couldn't just keep it at comfortably numb. I'd give up drinking for weeks at a time only to binge when I thought "nobody would notice" and have a black out. This misery continued until 2010 when I filed for divorce and got sober for over a year.

Sobriety and Recovery bring safety and clarity...that is for sure. However, a chain of events occurred...exH marrying a much younger woman from down the street, mother's struggles with alzheimers, 3 teens at home...I turned to alcohol to "calm" myself. At first I kept it to the days I didn't have my kids. I'd be very careful to not drink more than a pre chosen amount (this kind of obsessive thinking means I was trying to control something over which I had NO control). By 2012 my drinking had gotten out of control yet again and I got arrested for DUI with my blood level twice the legal limit.

This was the horrible wake up call I needed at that time. I went to an intensive outpatient program for 2 months. Did meetings, meetings, meetings (WFS, AA, SMART) anything that could surround me with others working on the same goal. I did individual therapy. I did group therapy. It helped. I embraced my recovery. I was PROUD of it despite shame...I had an interlock device in my car (breathalyzer) from my DUI charge....try having that for 3 years as a "suburban mom." Doesn't exactly fit, but hey....I get it.

For 4 years I remained sober. I remained sober through the loss of several family members and the loss of my best friend to cancer. I remained sober through my divorce trial and the aftermath which left me struggling to earn a living after being a stay at home mom for 17 years (by my exH's agreement). I stayed sober through many joyful times including watching my oldest daughter graduate at the top of her class and get into many prestigious schools. I worked as a volunteer at a nonprofit Recovery Center as a phone counselor. I became a WFS moderator. I THOUGHT I was embracing recovery.

But, I wasn't. I was just going through the motions.

Eight days ago I was flying home from the funeral of my favorite uncle and the airline generously bumped me up to first class. I want to say I had an out of body experience, but that would be not taking responsibility. The truth is, there is always at least a few seconds to "play the tape to the end" and make the right choice....but I didn't. I was truly feeling the buzz after the first glass of wine, but like all of us with this problem...one is NEVER enough. After 3 I'd already blacked out, not having eaten and this sudden reintroduction to alcohol was more than I could "handle." The details are sketchy but I think I tried to go to the airport bar after landing and TSA told me to instead call a family member to pick me up. My half-baked drunk plan had been to drink and then call a cab, as I didn't even have my car at the airport (thankfully).

So...that left my 19 year old daughter to pick me up. I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed, angry and scared she was. My 16 year old twins were at the beach with their grandparents so they were not witness to this but my very vengeful exH told them about it "plus some."

In the past week I've surrounded myself with sober friends. My daughter has come to know many of the amazing women in recovery who've been instrumental in my life, who I've kind of left out of my family life. I'm going to a new psychiatrist who specializes in addiction, but not until Aug 1. I'm practicing my recovery daily. But I cannot deny that this incident SCARED ME BADLY and shook my faith that my life long goal of complete abstinence is truly attainable.

One of my 16 year old daughters has faith and has been spending time with me. My other one doesn't want to see me yet...I get it. But I want to repair things. I almost feel like my LONG stint of sobriety made the relapse worse. The fear is due to my drinking appearing to be so unpredictable. If I examine the event carefully now, I can totally see how many things I could have done differently and how I wouldn't be in this place now.

For those of you who relapsed after a long period, how do you bolster your own confidence? How do you reassure the people you love that you are working? There is a belief out there that ANY relapse is a sign of failure. That "the drunk" must just love his/her liquor more than the people in his/her life...I know that is what the exH is imparting on my daughters. Thankfully they "mostly" know otherwise, but this is a tough message. I don't love alcohol...I despise it. I now know that this disease or problem or however you frame it is very much alive within me and must be addressed every single day going forward.

Thank you for reading this. Any input is appreciated.

That's news to me. At certain times alcoholics of my type are without an effective mental defence against the first drink. Those thoughts do not occur. A million meetings would not give me that defence. It had to come from a higher power which I found through working the steps.

Now I have an effective 24/7 defence no matter what. And it has held up for a very long time.

Hi Ponies. I can relate to much of your story. Your longest period of sobriety was twice as long as my longest up until now, and my relapse after that lasted about 11 years! So, you are doing well to catch this before it gets totally out of control, like it did for me. I am currently 15 months sober and that came about after totaling my car in a blackout and getting my first DUI. I know the pain of trying to maintain/rebuild relationships with children, too, as I have 2 of them and only one will have anything to do with me. If we're anything alike, I know that tears your heart out. I also know that other people who don't understand our addiction conclude that we must love the alcohol more than the people in our lives. That simply isn't true, but we can attempt to explain it until we're blue in the face and they simply won't understand. They can't. One of the first things that clicked for me when I started going to AA was that all those people already knew. I didn't have to explain anything.

You are moving in the right direction now, and that's what's important. Don't dwell on what's done. It can't be changed. Just keep pressing forward, staying on the path to recovery. I thought after achieving a year of sobriety, everyone would "lighten up" on me and start believing in me again. Instead, I was often met with weak smiles, lukewarm congratulations, and looks of doubt or even contempt. I was a chronic relapser, and even though it's been many years since I've achieved this much sober time, they still remember, and they still remember others like me. But none of that is important. Other people in our lives will come around eventually, but until then and even if they don't, all we really have any control over is doing whatever it takes to maintain our own sobriety, no matter what. I wish you the absolute best.

I have not done the steps and I do not have a programme in place as such, however I read here and attend some meetings.

I think for me I always thought family would forgive easily.
I believed they were the easiest to say sorry to and would forgive straight away. They would always love me unconditionally.

I know realise that was wrong of me.
I expected their forgiveness or took it as granted that they would.

I know realise that when asking to be forgiven by someone, they dictate the time scale, not me.
Thats not how it works.
I also saw that actions, and in most case, long term actions, were more likely to lead to relationships being rebuilt than one off apologies.

I really wish you the best xx

I have not relapsed myself yet...

but what upsets me about how otheres handle it when one does is this. If someone goes on a diet and falls off the wagon its like hey no big deal. But someone falls off the sober train and oh geeze the shame and the guilt trip they are now in for. And I wont lie I think part of my frustration with how this plays out is my AV is like hey you mean if ya drink your really in for it? How is that hardly fair others around you fail on diets all the time and you dont give them any grief what is the difference as my AV looks for a way to try and justify it.

But the reality is people seem to be less forgiving and less compassionate and gentle about someone relapseing on booze then they are someone on a diet deciding to eat cake or not excercise today. To me both choices can be pretty bad etc...

But we cant control what others think and feel. So that being said we can try and be gentle with ourselves since we do know first hand how difficult this addiction can be. We proabbly know it better then most around us etc.. and while everyone else sometimes cant wait to beat us up for our mistakes we also know we are really darn good at beating ourselves up for them. If they dont wanna put there clubs down fine but we can at least try and put ours down and be a bit more gentle etc...

Hang in there this stuff happens.

How many people go from point a to point b with 0 issues weather it be diet an excercise program starting a new project quiting booze etc.... not many. theres always bumps in the road its normal. just dust yourself off and get back on the wagon.

Yes, I hear ya...but isn't your higher power ultimately giving YOU the control to say NO? I mean, God or whomever isn't physically taking the drink away, right? Through the steps you are learning about a higher power who is with you always...giving your strength not weakness.

I layed in bed the other night thinking
about my own recovery and sobriety
life like I often do day by day taking my
own personal inventory.

With 25 yrs sobriety inching closer to
the 26 this coming August 11th, I asked
myself if I could ever drink alcohol
successfully in my life with being sober
as long as I have and the answer was a
definite, strong NO.

I loved alcohol, the taste of my favorite
wines, mixed drinks and how it made me
feel immediately. Once I passed that warm
feeling, I became numb and then dead.

Alcohol never helped me achieve
anything positive in my life except
for a short euphoria feeling and only
trouble in my life followed.

I know without a doubt that if I
ever picked up a drink today that
I would not be able to control my
consumption of it. One drink would
not cut it for me and no amount of
alcohol would ever satisfy my cravings
for it.

To go back and address your question
about others critiquing our sobriety or
recovery. Well, first of all, my recovery/
sobriety belongs to me and I am only
responsible for my own. What others
think or say, is none of my business and
I had to learn that others have a right
to what ever they say or think and that
I have no control over it or them.

That is where acceptance comes into
play.

I often heard that once we get a taste
of sobriety then it definitely destroys
our drinking careers and going back to
the drink will never be the same.

Not all is lost in your own recovery.
What you have learned and gone thru
thus so far has now become a part of
your own ESH - experiences, strengths
and hopes of what your life has and is
like before, during and after alcohol.

This will help you grow and strengthen
your resolve in recovery/sobriety as you
continue to build a stronger foundation
to live your life upong for many days sober
going forward.

Sharing your ESH here in SR or in face
to face meetings or with others in recovery
not only will help you on your journey in
all areas of your life, but will also allow
newcomers to draw on it and guide them
in knowing that there is hope for them that
incorporating some sort of effective
recovery program in there lives will
insure a healthier, happier, honest life
for yrs to come.

This recovery experience you are
achieving for yourself belongs to
you and continuing to share it will
help you grow and become the best
person you can possibly be in life
and those around you. :)

You actually answered your own question in the first paragraph above in your last paragraph ;-)

The reality is that only being sober can reassure people that what you are doing is working. And treating our addiction as something that needs to be addressed on a daily basis, like you say. Depending on what recovery program/method you follow your daily activities will vary of course, but we must never forget why we became sober in the first place.

I don't have personal experience with your situation involving children and an ex, but since you asked for "any input" I'm hoping I can help. I did relapse about 10 years ago after leaving AA, but I never really knew what my husband was actually thinking during the time other than I knew he was angry.

Your story about what happened on the plane--there is an extremely, eerily similar story in the big book. I think it's in the chapter "more about alcoholism". If you don't have a copy of the big book, you can read it for free online.

I'd also suggest you read The Doctor's Opinion which is in the prefix to the big book. It explains exactly how alcohol is a physical allergy.

You'll read how there was no thought to taking the first drink. One of the stories in the chapter I mentioned uses the word "suddenly....". We really didn't plan on drinking. It just happens, because we forget to pause and turn our thoughts to God. Our disease tells us "you can drink one or two, you'll be fine." Nope. Our disease constantly lies to us and we believe the lies.

I have difficulty going on the "friends and family" side of SR here, because there are so many misconceptions about alcoholism and just way too much anger. If you wrote an honest letter to your daughters about exactly what happened on the plane, I wonder if they would understand exactly what happens in our minds. Alcoholism is a mental illness. We do not love alcohol more than others. It made me so angry to read that your ex is telling your daughters that. Tell your daughters in that letter exactly what you wrote here "I don't love alcohol--I despise it."

Also as far as long term sobriety--I gratefully was taught by a friend what a "daily reprieve" really means. Every new 24 hours when I open up my eyes, I must work work my recovery program exactly to the extent I did yesterday. I am never cured, no matter how much time.

Time of sobriety does not matter because once we relapse we are exactly where we were when we stopped drinking. To me, all it means is that I have more practice with trying to live sober and practicing the 12 steps. Again, in the chapter "More about alcoholism", there are stories that explain this.

I am sorry for the pain you're going through. I wish people had a better understanding of exactly what happens in the mind, body and spirit of an alcoholic, but I guess if they don't experience it, they can't understand it.

Please know my intentions are not to push AA or God onto you. I'm sharing my experience and suggestions, as you asked. My recovery experience has been centered on AA and God and it's worked for me after I fought it off for years.

I wish you well. Please keep us posted.
:grouphug:

^This!

A broken mind cannot fix a broken mind, (quote from AA circuit speaker Peter M) and my alcoholic mind was very broken.

I had to find a higher Power. Personally in my experience--I would be dead right now if I didn't.

There is a bit of a double-standard when it comes to people having a different reaction to someone failing to stick to a diet, as opposed to one of us failing to stick to our sobriety. I think it has to do with how our relapses tend to cause so much damage to others outside of what it does to us personally. If I overeat, it won't make anyone else fat, but if I drink and drive, it might make someone else dead. It brings to mind this quote from the BB.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way
through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet
relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted.
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in
turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says
that sobriety is enough."

We're often caught between being considerate of the pain we've caused others, and not beating ourselves up over a past we can't change. I'm reminded of that one way or another pretty much everyday. It's a process of living amends. We can't force other people to "get over it" any faster than they're able (or willing). I get really impatient sometimes waiting for that to happen and it's a constant struggle to deal with it the right way. Progress, not perfection.

My mother was an alcoholic, tried to quit several times, always ended up relapsing.

Yes, after it happened enough I wasn't over it and didn't trust her anymore. It isn't like a diet relapse. People's lives are impacted by
the choice we make to drink.
Especially with kids, it does have long-term effects, painful as that is to hear.

At 51, I'm still dealing with the emotional insecurity growing up like that had on me, and now I have the joy of alcohol addiction as well.

My mother never stopped for good, but you can.
Unless you've grown up with it, it is impossible to get how hard
dealing with a drinking parent is.
I suggest you be patient, and show you mean what you say through actions over time.
You can do it, and you and your daughter can heal your relationship.

Another question is what about those folks that never believe in you. Ya know the types you've done right for years now yet they still view you as less then etc.. Sure initially you feel they will come around one day believe in your sobriety etc.. but then as the eyars go buy you realize they proabbly never will.

I have not had to deal with this directly because of my sobriety but with other things in my life.

For me I had to realize I just was not gonna be able to please everyone and that is just that.

Goes along with the old we cant control how others think and feel but we can control how that affects us etc... or at least try too.

Yeah, there are those, too. When I was in rehab I met a counselor who is actually a minister now. Been sober 13 years. But he said there are still some people in his life who just look at him and smirk, "It's only a matter of time he'll be hittin' the bottle again." Can't do a thing about any of that, though, and forming resentments will only sour us. I'm talking to myself here, too.

I actually read a lot of posts in the friends and family section. For me it has given me a greater understanding of alcoholism in regards to what we have put others that are close to us through. This illness even in recovery can still make us focus on just our plight. I only started to succeed when i changed my outlook of not thinking my recovery is just about me. Unfortunately I behaved so badly at times, and relapsed spectacularly a few times that I have come to terms with the fact that It maybe sometime until I am fully trusted, if ever.

For the most part I have kept my alcoholism and sobriety to myself. I got sober in August 2013, and stayed sober till my relapse in April of 2015. My worst drinking occurred with my two kids in high school. I had a lot of shame and had to particularly face my son who would not talk to me. I opened up and told him he did not need to talk to me, that I was going to "try" and stop drinking, and that he did not have to react or say anything. It was short, I was direct and owned it and put nothing on him, or my wife (our marriage was severely on the rocks at that time, pre-hard drinking, my wife was then and still is a high functioning daily wine blackout drinker, unwilling to have listened to the plea's of her children to stop 'like dad did' only to hear that 'she was not the one with the problem, dad was' (yep with me there listening). Of course that was during her second bottle of red, and I know not to reason with a drunk. Back to my son, he broke down, he cried, I was crying, he was angry, confused, wanted to know why I would do this to myself and to them, wanted to know if "HE or his sister had done anything wrong" (broke my heart). My answer? I am an alcoholic, I have a problem, it is hard to stop, but I am taking measures now, whatever it takes to "TRY" and stop - no rainbows and cutsie promises. He went on to say that I was the solid parent, I was the go to parent, I was the one holding the family together, I was their rock. Wow, up till then I never considered any of this might be remotely true, since my view of myself was below low. But hearing that statement really helped me, especially during hard moments and 'those days' we have. So my son was the silent one, who shut me out till I talked to him, and it was a big moment for us, a life moment, a father son moment that I will always cherish (despite it being the result of my despicable behavior). My daughter acted like nothing had ever happened. But she acted out in relationships and starting her own drinking and drugging. We went through a few rough years with her dealing with what I had done, the examples I had set forth (but sobriety would provide the second example particularly for my daughter, who constantly keeps up with my sobriety). Of course their friends would know, of course their friends parents would know, but we don't know our friends parents. My wife? Call is some co-dependence there. When she got me out of jail for my due she was almost proud of how quickly she got me out with her State Bar card. I guess she knows she has a problem, but now I could be the punching bag for her, particularly with the kids. And that's okay. My kids know she has a problem. My mother in law never brings up my sobriety. My sobriety at the tennis club has ONLY come up after men's doubles league or mixed doubles league (my wife and I play together), and all of a sudden I am no longer drinking beer. I might have an O'Douls. Over time I was questioned, my answer (quite a few), "I drank up my limit" ha ha ha, "I quit" silence. One guy asked why. I said that I can't drink anymore, and that me drinking is not fun for anyone, and they do not want to be part of what happens if I have one drink. Well, that one causes an uncomfortable silence, not for me, I don't give a **** what people think. My last relapse was self inflicted, for years I had gone on an annual guys golf trip, an excuse to drink, drug, tell lies and play some golf. My first year going and not drinking, if was crazy, no one noticed much. HA, probably they were all mostly to drunk to notice, probably thought I was drinking vodka instead of water, crown and coke instead of diet dr pepper. Then I guy noticed and was a little taken aback, in a "How Dare You" way, but the trip ended with NO talk about it. I am a weekend golf hack. Tennis is my game. But that year I won the tournament, lot's of betting it's quite a big deal, wasn't to me, but still, I won. Well, there must have been a lot of chatter over the next year building up to the next tournament, because the next year, my NOT drinking was front and center with a few of the guys. I was the butt of jokes, not crossing the line of the usual ******** guys do and say, but I could tell. Every year one guy drives my next door neighbor and me to the airport, its a given. That second year, on the last day, Bobby comes in my room and says "Great seeing you again, my truck is full, you need to find another ride to the airport" and he smiles real big and walks out. Nope, the back seat was empty. Oddly, my next door neighbor was WELL aware that I had given up drinking. He had never asked why. I thought it was obvious, and I think it was. Yet, he is a blackout drinking like his wife, 7 days a week, high functioning. That second year we were cart partners and that morning we were waiting in the card and he took a swig from his flask and put it in front of my face and said "Want a drink?" then quickly said "Oh I forgot, you quit drinking". ha ha ha. This happened again on the back nine. Instant replay. I was fuming inside. My next door neighbor was participating in their form of blackballing me at the even he started 25 years before, and I was the only non drinker now, worse yet, I won their little tournament the prior year (and my next door neighbor came in second that year). I said nothing though. Then he and Bobby drove back to the airport together. Oddly, it never came up. My neighbor was his normal good ol boy self back at home. He was obviously feeling bad though by some comments he made making sure that I had "had a good time" and at how the "guys sure like me". I bit my tongue each time. Next year, I was going to be a social drinker, I had earned my stripes. And I did. I was the ******* life of the party. It was on after the first drink . My neighbor was worried about me. **** em. It was a rough ride to July 10th 2015 to finally get sober again. This last year I declined going on the trip. I was going to come up with a lie, but went with the truth, telling my neighbor that I could no longer go on that trip sober, it was not fun being the only non drinker, and that I honestly felt a little hostility (no, I would not single out anyone in particular HIM being one). I did it via text message. Well, he came over in person want to REALLY know why, who had said something, what was the deal. I am sure he was worried it was the **** he had pulled. I just told him it was hell getting sober again, it took months, that I just can't drink. He says "Oh, you mean you're an alcoholic?" Yes, duh. I was floored. Now he was the expert on having friends "like me" he either got sober or died, and preached me on how I needed to not drink anymore. Wow. I tuned him out. But now he was satisfied that I had a problem, and it was not him or the other guys and Bobby who singled me out.

A funny thing the second year when I went sober, 2 guys got me off alone, separately, wanting to know how I stopped and what it was like, and that it was really amazing that I could stop like that. Yep, I take that positive from the years of all those trips. I maybe helped two guys. Oddly, NO ONE emailed me, messaged me, or called me when I did not return. That was rather telling. Yes, my feelings were hurt initially, but then I felt some resolve that I had done the right thing, and that I was grateful to have finally cut out that annual group, which essentially was cutting out my neighbor too, from my social system. It did hurt. But it was necessary and I am glad I did it. Especially being honest about my problem. Like I was honest with my kids.

So, sorry for the long message. I just can't do short ones, ever it seems. I think I have a lot to get out, and gradually it comes out when I read particularly thought provoking WONDERFUL posts, like yours Ponies. It's why I like this site. I can say all I want, it's honest, and people can read it or pass. :)

More directly though, to answer your question, the only critiques I have gotten was that meeting with my neighbor where he became my expert on drinking and was very condescending. What did I do? Yawned inside, felt sorry for him a little, then I really prayed for him later. And I thanked him for his 'kind' words, and he told me he was 'here' for me. I really thanked him then. He seemed to mean it.

My wife does not critique at all. I think she is deeply worried about her path, maybe she sees and feels what she did to the kids, most likely not. It's not my problem, it's her side of the street.

My kids have never critiqued me. They also do not know about my relapse. If my daughter asks if I got my 4 year chip this August (she remembers the date, but it did not come up last year), I will tell her I now have a one year chip. I will be honest. I always have with my kids. At least I will have put together sober time to soften the worry, like Oh Crap, Dad's In Trouble!!!!!! Nope, I'm done. Can't drink again. Proved I am not a social drinker. I truly don't have one more drunk in me.

I get some comments at the tennis club from the guys about being a wimp drinking my O'Douls, but no one has asked if I am a drunk, or if I have a problem. I think they have picked up from my strong honest previous answers, that obviously I have a problem and I can't drink anymore.

I have never made my alcoholism someone else's problem or issue, nor have a tooted my horn or needed accolades for my sobriety. I get that being with my peeps in AA and in this forum. I was on a different site before but picked up my anchor and set it here now.

I am one who needs to get stuff out. But I am not good at sharing at meetings. So I do it here.

Hang in there Ponies, this really is YOUR journey and YOUR life. You do affect others, but what others think or say really does not matter. I no longer have room in my life for stupid people who think my drinking problem is funny, or offensive to their drinking problem, making them feel bad about their drinking while I innocently just drink my diet dr pepper. I need good people around me, or else no one around me. I can't afford to have anyone around me who will risk my sobriety again. I never want a one year chip again. Two is my limit.

Really nice input, thanks. Food for thought as to how to address this with my daughters.

I will never make the promise to my loved ones that I will never drink again. I have made and broken that promise too many times for it to have any meaning. I will promise to do what I need to do on a daily basis to maintain my sobriety. I will say at almost 7 years sober I have NEVER broken that promise. I know one thing for certain the strength of my sobriety is directly proportional to the strength of my spiritual condition

I suppose that is how it might look from the outside. In actual fact I lost the power of choice and I never got it back. I have about as much choice to drink today as I used to have not to drink.

I didn't so much learn about a higher power, as get to know God and experience the effect of His Power in my life. As the result of the steps I had a spiritual awakening which included a major pyschic change which gave a completely new outlook.

The insanity of the first drink was removed completely and has never returned. There never was any power, control or choice about that insanity. The characteristic of it was that the sane thoughts that should have stopped me drinking just didn't occur. I drank without thought, choice, or conscious decision.

People sometimes think that the life of a sober alcholic must contain many decisions and choices to not drink in the face of the various trials life thows up. That hasn't been the case with me.

I have been through my share of trials, as we all will, and it simply has not occurred to me to drink. It doesn't crop up as an option. I have been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. The idea of drinking is completely redundant, unneccessary. No choice, decision, or control required.

My experience quitting drinking has been different than Gottalife--
I made a choice to quit and did without choosing to use 12 step support,
though I absolutely recognize it is very helpful and works for many.

I made a plan, made myself accountable, and I work on daily recovery,
not just quitting drinking.

My plan includes self-care through whole-food diet and exercise,
yoga and meditation, reading uplifting material, and no toxic input
which for me means distracting or violent media of any type.

I reach out and read on SR, journal, and try to feel feelings as they come up
even if difficult. I try to be kind to others in small daily interactions.
I spend time in Nature and try to have free unstructured time weekly.

These are some of the things I do that have helped me lose my craving
to drink because I have replaced it with living.
I expect I will have my moments, but so far accepting I can't drink again
and changing my life habits has been working.

Ponies, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or doesn't think about your drinking.
You quit for you and stay quit for you--it's an inside job that has good
external effects on others when it sticks.
Try different approaches and build your sobriety on a solid foundation.
You won't regret what it brings to your life and your family's life.