Compassion
 

I hope you folks don't mind me coming to this side of the fence, as I am I guess a "normie" and post over in F&F, though my feelings today brought me here wanting to share and also to get any insight.

I also realize that much like those of us with drinking problems need to focus on their own recovery, as a codependent type I need to focus on mine. I'm just not quite there yet. I'm still in contact and going through a separation which makes it hard to refocus.

Last night, I was really craving a pizza. I didn't need to drive out and get it. I had plenty to eat at the house, healthier options as well, but in general lots of food. But I really wanted that pizza. And eventually, I drove myself out and got it and ate half of the darn thing, 4 slices, despite having a million options. I love pizza.

Then I had to imagine, if at the age of 43, someone told me I could never eat pizza again, for the rest of my life, how would that make me feel? And is the way I felt about that pizza the way that my AXGF feels every time she wants a drink?

I suppose the food vs. alcohol analogy is not a perfect one. Sure, both can have negative impacts on your health, but only one of those impacts others around you in such a profound way. It's not like I would eat a pizza and then decide I wanted to pick a fight or have a personality change at the flip of a switch. My AXGF, when I asked her about changing her drinking (something I finally learned to give up on by the way), to stop watching TV. She said, I like drinking, you like to watch TV. Again, a poor analogy I guess. But in her mind, perfectly valid. Drinking is her hobby, her entertainment, her recreation. It's what she does. It supplements and enhances any outside event and it staves off the boredom at home.

Today I'm finding myself somewhat introspective at our present situation though, and I'm feeling compassionate towards her situation. I think she wants to stop, but she's afraid to admit she has a problem. Stopping by itself seems possible, however, stopping AND getting real help, a recovery program, etc, means she has to admit that she really has a problem and she can't solve it herself. And she seems unable to make that step.

I didn't ask her to move out to try and force her to rock bottom. She has done this before and she can do it again. She did instantly begin to look for her next boyfriend as I know the notion of being single/alone terrifies her. She also has had a couple friends who are around to enable.

Over the past week, as our business is concluding, I'm seeing more sadness and regret in her than ever before. I feel like she wants to stop drinking but when she is alone in her new place with just her, the dog, and her thoughts, she is empty inside. But here's the problem -- I think instead of taking the step towards a recovery, she is retreating back to the bottle, for that temporary escape. It's just a vicious cycle.

I read so many posts here from those of you who have tried, and had so many "day ones" yet your resolve is determined and you try and try again. Do you feel that you have had more success when you did this with friends or family or professional help in your corner, or was it really your own mind that mattered? What worked, what didn't work? Is there anything I can do to help her?

Someone once told me, she will never get better living under your roof so that step was taken. Lately, she has been stoic but broken down a couple times. Her dog misses me terribly and I miss the dog as well. It's a reminder of our separation I think when she sees her. I was great with the dog. But I can't share the dog and be a part of that world, when she is drinking, it's just too hard. She doesn't like her new place. She's unhappy. But what I'm worried about is, that this just leads her back to the bottle, or worse, to MORE bottles than before.

I can't help her, change her, want her to change, or rescue her from this. I just wish I knew a way to lovingly detach and for her to know that I want her to choose recovery, and not start this cycle over again. I know it is a better future for her, but I have no idea how to tell her.

It sounds to me like you are doing just about everything you can.

Regarding your pizza analogy, unfortunately there is no way to explain WHY we drink or what MAKES us drink, it's simply addiction - and there is no logical answer. There is a solution of course - sobriety, and we can choose it - but in order for it to work we must accept our addiction for what it is and find ways to live with it, we cannot "cure" it. Believe me - if someone could have given me a magic pill or surgery that would have taken away my desire to drink I would have paid any amount of money to get it.

Regarding this statement, especially the Bold part:

My best advice would simply be to tell her straight up how you feel. You can write it in a letter, or you could even print out this post.

Be advised though that there is no guarantee that she will see it as you want her to see it. You could very likely get rejected even more for saying it...because we ( alcoholics ) are experts at denial when in the throes of our addiction. So even your good intentions may bring you more sorrow unfortunately.

She knows how you feel about her drinking, no matter how she spins it to you. And I don't know about lovingly detaching from an active alcoholic. It seems you did it peacefully. Be happy with that.

Alcohol is a whirlpool. It's sucking her in and your relationship with her is dragging you in too. Swim away.

i agree with scott nothing wrong with being straight up with how you feel just have a take it or leave it attitude 0 expectations etc..

Help from family and friends will it make it better? I just dunno the answer there. I'd like to think yes but i know in my case I'd also possible bite the hand too but then maybe accpet it from another tho iw as pretty unpredictable.

I like your food analogy. I use the same one. I know for some they drink to cope others eat to cope. I think both can be just as detrimental to health and the people around them. That being said I never heard of someone over eating pizza and then getting behind a wheel and killing someone all becuase they ate too much pizza ::scratches head::

but yeah food addications are also very real. I'm glad you realize how scary it would be if someone said hey stop eating pizza forever! lol the horror!

People used to tell me to quit drining or smoking when i explained it wasn tthat simple they said i was making excuses. I used to think things like that well how about you just give up ice cream then? That always sparked the debate lol.

no i'm on the other side personally. Have not had a drink in over 5 years. Have not eaten pizza ice cream or anything that would be considered garbage in over 4 years. These very same folks now are baffled how did you do it how did you give it all up I sometimes feel like telling them oh its just so simple dont make excuses lol.

I really sincerely want to thank you all for reading and/or responding to my post. I am so impressed with those of you who have the courage to come here, post your stories, and even take some time to help others around. You are doing great things and I admire you all.

It's definitely been a whirlpool for 10 years and it hasn't been a smooth road. Patches of normalcy and unsuspected chaos. However when I noticed that we were having more frequent and severe incidents lately, and I knew the disease sometimes escalates and gets worse, I knew I had to do this for the both of us.

I'll tell you what's funny -- Over the years she and I have seen so much of alcoholism in the media. We watched "Flight" and "Smashed" together. She loved to watch intervention every week (though she said it was to see people that were worsely addicted than her to make her feel better about herself). I'm not sure how seeing such devastating portrayals of alcoholism (real and staged) doesn't ring any bells, but I guess it just doesn't work that way. If me asking her to stop is seen as controlling, how can you expect a movie or a TV show to have any different effect?

I'm trying hard not to think about what she's up to, I feel that the separation and the new home and the move has been hard on her, and that she has used alcohol to help with that process, though she did state that she intended to quit drinking after she "settled in" and has said to me twice in under a week that she just "wants to stop". I just don't know if she knows how or is really ready to get off the roller coaster yet.

The optimist in me hopes she's sobering up and has been for days or more. The realist in me knows that nothing is probably changing with the space to do as she pleases without judgement, coupled with the stresses of a new life.

Thanks again for reading and replying, it really means a lot to me to hear your points of view.

though she did state that she intended to quit drinking after she "settled in"

this rings such a bell, wells.
so many times i planned on some date in the future, after something-or-other had happened, or not happened...see, any time down the road as long as it wasn't now.

when i finally did quit and stay that way, it was NOW.

when/if she gets real serious, she will find help if she wants/needs it.
she will go looking.
she'll find a way/her way.