Have I changed?
 

I have been sober for a year and a few weeks. Today I thought about whether I have grown or changed. It seems that work and a dysfunctional relationship has prevented me from taking the time to assess things.

So I guess I was wondering if I am still early in recovery. It has been a year since I have had blackouts, peed myself, or thrown up. Maybe I just miss my ex and I feel a little alone. But the relationship was awful.


So I did decide to be sober and avoid the above mentioned consequences. The last dui I had was ten years ago. I guess I feel burned out and a little scared. I have a lot of gray hairs and I jusr feel like I have been under stress and I will be alone forever. Like I look too old for my age-30.

I sometimes cannot believe I quit drinking. It feels like my mind is still clearing. I drank heavily from 15 to 28. Two relapses between 28 and 30.

I guess I just want to feel like myself again but I got into a relationship at 67 days and I really don't know who I am.

Any advice? I have to quit smoking. That is my goal starting tomorrow.

So does anyone have any advice for burnout, relationship grief, and continuing to grow in sobriety?

I think you've come a long way acheleus, especially with your addiction. Do you still see a therapist? Your obsession with your ex is still quite apparent, perhaps that is something you could try working on with someone?

My two cents is cut yourself some slack. You seem to be very critical of yourself. It is good to have goals and to want to keep moving forward, but I think it's also good to reflect positively on the changes/improvements you have made. You should feel proud of having over a year sober - that was probably unthinkable to you at some point not too long ago. Enjoy the journey a little!

Yea Scott I need to quit obsessing. I guess I have never been hurt like that before and I just miss what could have been.

And I do feel amazed that I am a year sober. I guess I just feel overwhelmed for some reason.

I think I need a relationship but obviously it is time to have time to myself so I can learn who I am. And yes it did seem impossible not too long ago. I looked at old posts and I think I wanted to be healed at two weeks sober.

Anyways I guess I am reflecting a lot on the past and I can see where alcohol influenced every decision I made. Every single one. Also, I have never been with a woman I really liked. Kind of sad. When I mean like I mean a woman that likes writing, art, etc.

For some reason I just feel kind of empty and alone. It is difficult for me to like myself. So I guess I need to work on that.

Congratulations on being sober for over a year, that's fantastic! And I'm sure you have changed, maybe in ways you're unaware. I've got an obsessive, perfectionistic streak a mile wide--I'm sure many of us do. So I just have to remind myself, often: "Progress not perfection." I also don't think it hurts to always think of myself as being newly sober. I've heard it called "newcomer's mind." That way we stay teachable, and humble, and don't set up an ideal of some perfect sobriety we'd like to have, and always fall short of :)

So does anyone have any advice for burnout, relationship grief, and continuing to grow in sobriety?

You HAVE grown, Ach. So take credit for that. Some days can be a bit gray and cloudy and we have trouble seeing the good things and the positive things. Perhaps that is what is so wonderful about a forum/community like this. You can get fresh perspectives when you need them

I know you also struggle with depression. Still under a Dr.'s care?
.
And ACTUALLY, you HAVE made changes; big ones. And, change is good sometimes, but change can also be unsettling [for lack of a better word]

I just got done giving my 25 year daughter a pep talk. She feels icky right now because she is not doing her dream job, which would be to do her art and sell her art. Well, we know art doesn't always sell. She's looking at reality and it kind of sucks for her that right now because she isn't making a living doing what she loves most. *sigh* She's getting down on herself, she just broke up with her serious boyfriend too so there's a lot of emotion and drama around her these days.

You gotta hang in there...you can do it; never give up. My best advice about relationships is be single ... and be the best person you can possibly be from the inside out -- be yourself and don't cave in to bossy women telling you what to do.... The best relationships are the ones where you can totally and fully be yourself and be loved just the way you are; with no pressure to be a certain way in order to feel that sense of belonging.

It'll be alright. Give it time.

As far as burn out goes....sometimes you have to take a serious look at where you are at and realize you are so burnt out you cannot take it anymore...burn out can vary...but in the meantime something that might help is to change up your usual routine. Do something different. Let yourself have some fun. Can you take some time off of your usual schedule? Do you need more "down-time"?

In AA we sometimes call that a God sized hole. We used to fill it with alcohol, but when that stopped working...........

Man i know exactly where your coming from.. i lost the women i thought i was gonna marry and start a family with. This disease and me not getting helped destroyed all that. I am coming up on a yr this month myself. Some things are better, and some things are same, and some stuff worse. As far as getting over her for me, its day by day. I think that because ive never gone thru anything sober, this hurts extra bad. My sponsor says until she is replaced with positivity its gonna be tough.. good luck bro, i know how it is!!

I had an interesting conversation this morning with my sponsor about relationships. We all want connection but one thing to consider is "what's the purchase price?"

The cost of getting into a relationship (or for the other person, their cost for getting into one with you) - when we are vulnerable as you sound like you are, we may buy the wrong thing, pay a big price. I know I've gotten into a lot of hurt (I won't carry the money analogy too far, you get the point) by making bad decisions about who to let into my heart and life. I just had a situation, a flirtation (I am at 136 days) where I had to stop and think, what does God want -I am religious and I am in AA working a very strong program- and perhaps more importantly, what God DOESN'T want for me. That made me see this person is not what He would want and it would be bad for me to get into a relationship.

Perhaps thinking of that on a big picture level would relieve some of the internal pressure to have a relationship. I want to be in one, in the big picture, but think I'm too vulnerable right now. I have to let it go for now.

Some one mentioned your struggle with depression and working with a counselor. I find my psych to be very helpful still, and also expect to turn to AA as my emotional sobriety changes and especially as different issues and emotions come to the surface later on.

You are not alone in struggling with the relationship thing- hang in there.

Thank you all. It helps to know other people struggle with feeling loved and accepted. I am going to a meeting tonight and I will pick up my one year chip. I have not been to a meeting in like 3 months.

I have not picked up a one year chip. My ex told me she was going to come with me and buy me a cake but I broke up with her before I turned a year sober.

So I will fo tonight and I will just keep hanging on. Being a year sober is like a miracle for me.

I, for one, am very proud of you.
Still trying to make 6 months here.

Reflecting on your life is testimony that you have changed and gaining amazing personal growth.
You have gone through a lot of challenges sober, the wisdom and character you develop may not be evident in a reflective mood but it will be there...
We change for the better when we face life on life terms....
Congratulations on 12 + months.

I meant 3 weeks since a meeting, not 3 weeks. I picked up my one year gold chip and I got a little emotional. Some benevolent force has helped me stay sober. It feels like a dream sometimes.

So I talked with a guy afterward and he had relapsed. I talked to him about biology and accepting my alcoholism.

I am glad I went. Someone picked up their sixth year chip.

I feel a little wound up. I think it has all been too overwhelming. So many things are apparent to me now. So many things about the past. It hurts but I am glad I can see how addiction played a role in my upbringing and why I never felt loved except from by my grandparent who was not an addict.

I am a year sober. It is ok to feel good about my sobriety. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I think it's fantastic Ach, what a great way to celebrate one year. You have come a LONG way!

Congrats on the one year chip!

Congrats on your year Ach!

I am also finding that the longer I am sober, the more I am learning
about who I am and why I became that. . . and what I want to be
and become.

It isn't an easy journey, but it is pretty interesting.
I wouldn't overthink it if I were you--just explore and try things.

Congratulations on your year, Acheleus! Only other alcoholics know how much of an accomplishment that is -- it's really wonderful :)

I agree with others that I see a lot of growth in you. You survived a lot this past year and stayed sober. The oncoming year will be a time for a lot of mental recovery!

I picked up another blue chip tonight at a meeting. I talked with someone with 20 years after the meeting. He said we still make mistakes in sobriety but we now have better tools for living. I shared at the meeting and I felt good.

I do have a coffee date scheduled for tomorrow but I am just trying to get out and meet people. Maybe it is not a good idea but I am trying to heal and grow. I played piano after the meeting and the man with 20 years said he wishes he could play piano like that. So I am going to work on reconnecting with music and growing.

Congrats on one year. :)