zjw

I know in my case I did a ton of venting and talking to whomever would listen I wore people out and then some. So many where probably ready to scream and some did as to why I just didn't get it. People got tired of me and I remember thinking you think your tired? Try being me I'm tired I'm sick and tired of trying to unravel this rats nest in my head too. But I just kept moving forward cause well what choice did I have. In hind site all the venting all the talking all pulling my hair out etc.. Was all needed it was all part of my journey to a better place and it all helped me little by little to get to a better place.

I think all your threads are all part of your recovery and your getting there in your own time and in your own way and your doing good.

It's ok to be tired your only human and you've been through a lot it's gonna take time to sort it all out and come to some sense of a resolution to things that you will find acceptable.

davaidavai

You've only been off the sauce for 6 months. I think that reality can get a bit obscured here online.

My intuition is that we are only touching the surface of ourselves. Maybe it's a crackpot intuition. But I think it's important to note that your recovery, with all its storm and stress, is your own, and when it smooths out, it is likely to be beautiful in proportion to the unique inner person. I think this is particularly true for artists. Your pallet has many colors.

Along those lines, here is another slightly egotistical 'helpful' offering. Memories, Dreams, Reflections read by Michael York. "What we see is the blossom, which passes. The rizom remains."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi3m...54L6CJmSkILt02

Michael York is soothing.

silentrun

Hi Sleeps. Give yourself sometime to heal. Especially since you have the benzo thing going on too. I am off the cigs again and I forgot just how much recovering can sour a person's mood and outlook. This feeling of not being able to get comfortable is exhausting. I remember being really uncomfortable and times and just angry at the world that first year. Nothing is what it seems to be. Hang on.

strategery

I had severe depression in my late teens/early 20's. It did go away. I have had other bouts of depression, but not the severe depression I experienced when I was much younger.

sleepie

I know I was depressed as a kid. Like everything else regarding my well being or mental/emotional health, it went ignored. I have to wonder if having no choice but to "suck up" that wound played into my current state.

Delfin

^^This.^^

You have a lot to heal from, Sleeps, not just your addiction. Of course you're tired. Your life has been extremely exhausting. But I think that's even more reason for you to find some help in dealing with your past trauma, which is severe. I imagine that just thinking positive is't going to do it. I think you mentioned you haven't had much luck with therapy, but maybe you'd give it another shot? I suffered from severe post-partum depression for years and I was really stuck, so I eventually had to get medical help. It made all the difference and I'm glad I sought it out. Forgive me if I'm assuming things here or if I'm being repetitive. You know I care.

D.

sleepie

Thank you Delfin and zjw and davai and all a yous.

But as far as therapy I was kind of thinking maybe I better do a self directed program.

Part of me is like, "Just put a lid on it and ignore it, suck it up, forget about it". I mean I just do not know. Another part of me is like, "Why even bother at this point"? and another is like "You have to do this, forget other people or what they think, people are largely ignorant and selfish- just forge ahead like you did as a kid and fly solo"

Now do not take it personally about the ignorant and selfish comment, this is many decades of experience IRL although I know you guys are all smart enough to know I am not speaking of anyone here.

zjw

I guess some stuff i put a lid on it and forgot it till I could handle addressing it. Lots of things i did the why even bother at this point but had more of the mindset of "what does it matter?" And for lots of things I had to do it i had to ignore everyone and march to the beat of my own damn drum and do what made #1 happy and htis felt like such a selfish thing to do. It was the polar opposite of my upbringing and would have gotten me beat as a child. Because as a child i was taught to keep everyone else happy but me in order to maybe avoid a beating. My happiness never mattered and why the F should it? But I dunno I guess after I sobered up the gloves came off and i said no i dont care I"m gonna do it my way and make myself happy for a change.

And i dont mean go around being a selfish pr** but if what you wanna do with your life is moraly and ethicly sound and is going to make you happy and not be at the expense of someone elses happiness why should you not do it and be miserable?

As far as my childhood issues I feel like I've dealt with the majority of it. do i still feel cheated? yeah i do but what is done is done. I wont lie I do feel as if there is still some unfinsihed business but for the most part I"m at peace with it and dont drag the anger and rage around with me all the time anymore. And i dont allow it to make me feel like a beaten child all day too.

Prior to dealing with it I wanted to scream and strangle a few people at the same time i felt like a worthless beaten child that no one wanted and whom was told would never amount to crap. i did amount to crap tho and I did know that which just made me angrier because some got support and amounted to something in life me on the other hand i got crapped on and had to figure it out. So i was a bit ticked off. at the same time always afraid etc...

I guess i gto tired of going round and round with it. I kinda had to just cut my losses settle it up as best i could and just accept things instead of allowing them to ruin my life even further. I got kinda mad that here i was almost 20 years after the abuser left my life STILL having bad days over it. ike really i'm gonna allow this to still rob me of my joy?

its hard tho I realize the cuts are deep to the bone even its raw and it sucks. But it can be done.

as is your liven for #1 now. your working on yourself working on getting yourself better. I'd just keep doing what your doing. I think your headed in the right direction.

zjw

davai has a good point too about your pallet having many colors and you being the artist type. People like you and him are generally the types that bring the diff perspective to the equation. I think the artists types think diff / feel diff / even cope a little diff. I think it can be a really good thing but I thk it can be a very hard thing. It can also make it hard to relate to the non-artists types.

I learned this once we had a graphics artist working for us. If you let her come and go and do as she pleased the creativity flowed like water. But if you boxed her in and made her work 9-5 dont be late and be at your desk and use this pen and follor these rules etc.. she clammed up and you got nothing out of her.

some people like the structure it works for them. some people its the worst thing in the world for them.

and artists from what i've seen anyhow tend to operate a bit diff and march to the beat of there own drum as is. and the thing is many of the ones i've met tick people off in there wake as they pass by. Its kinda comical. but its just because others dont understand the artist type etc..

ScottFromWI

I think that would be a mistake sleepie ( the idea of doing it alone ). The reason I say that is because to me, it seems that many of your issues stem from mis-trust of others from the past ( parents, therapists, others in general ) and even the present. With most anxiety related fears, we must eventually face them to overcome or learn to live with them more peacefully. A self-paced program would most likely just keep you isolated and in the same cycle of depression/anxiety/self pity that you've been in for years and years.

It will take time and courage on your part, but I think you will eventually find a therapist that you can work with. It took me a couple misses as well, but once you find someone you can trust it really makes a BIG difference.