Dee74

I'm sorry you feel that way, (and you too Davai).

You know there's no requirement for you to stay that way tho, right, Sleepie?

Whatever happened 30, 40 50 years ago we're not kids anymore - we're adults - but we're still capable of learning.

I learned to value and love myself - took a while but it was far from impossible?

(Gave me a vastly different insight on my fellow human beings too, davai)

D

aussieblue

(((((sleepie))))))
I hate to hear you so down. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you , just a hug. Take care .

least

I'm glad the tests showed no LD. I hope you start feeling better soon.

sleepie

I am just tired of fighting guys, tired of fighting for my place, to be heard, to be seen as valid and worth anything. I tried for decades to carve out my own "happy place" in life and it didn't happen. And now I am too tired and too broken to go on.

I am not like this IRL. I am always smiling- believe it or not this is a thing that others have even noted about me. I am a good listener, I always try and be fun and cheerful.

I am sick of having to always be "on". I am worn out. It never even got me anywhere.

Years of trying so hard to be heard and seen as valid have worn me out.

Forced positivity never worked for me. I did it through an entire abusive childhood and for many years beyond in the work force and in life in general. All it did was make me feel worse.

So I think I am done trying guys, thanks to those who listened.

davaidavai

My ego cropped up there. That's me trying to rationalize and strike back at years and years of sadness, failure, living life alone. Some kind of self empowerment. Like some dude humble bragging his job. Maybe in human affairs the only real meaningful thing is volume.

I don't know about forced positivity, have never really tried that. I guess there came a time in my early 20s when I heard that people were uncomfortable with attitudes other than the cheerful. I've certainly grown worn out on being a reject.

With me it's more like I am a fool. I walk in with a fool aspiration to be close to other people and to do a good job. I am genuinely intrigued. For me it seems simple. But the people don't ever seem to want that with me. I don't appear to be preferable. Maybe I never allow myself to feel that fully, all the way through, so I can grow beyond it and see others more clearly. Fix my eyes to the wind. Move into the unknown.

ScottFromWI

What exactly is it you'd ask of the forum then Sleepie? You've been accepted, validated, loved, and people have literally spend hundreds, probably thousands of hours giving you encouragement and very solid advice. You've also just learned that the major problem you thought was holding you back does not actually exist.

I know you don't like absolutes, and I know you don't like my advice. But honestly, what can anyone do here that they haven't already that will get you to take the action you really need to in order to start getting better?

No one is going to agree with you that you are doomed or that you should just give up. Too many people here have overcome the same or even worse for that to happen. We ALL want you to get better, but only YOU can do it.

sleepie

I am inconsolable.

I suppose I hoped to be surprised by another view point which is not one I can necessarily articulate as it has not happened and I do not know what it is.

I am glad that people listen though.

And also when davai stops by.

I feel the same.

strategery

The one person that I think is holding you back, is you. None of us can fix how you feel about yourself, but you have to believe you are worth fighting for. Until you see yourself as worth fighting for, you're never going to find the validation any where else because the issue lies within, not with other people.

sleepie

As I said before I used to be the one to smile through everything and have a positive attitude. It literally amounted to nothing. It is hard work that chips away at you to force positivity when you feel terrible inside. I used to do the thing you are telling me to do which is just mentally change my thoughts. And it wore me down. Just wore me down.

You guys do not have to problem solve. I realize most of you want to help. But really there is no answer.

aussieblue

Sleepie , you fit in fine here and you have lots of people who care about you , here you are just yourself , you don't try and pretend and we all like you as you are , give that a go , just be yourself and if any one doesn't like it , well its their loss , but don't give up.

courage2

An emoticon of a hug doesn't do anything, but I can't offer anything better. You've shown yourself to be kind, thoughtful, caring, and gifted on this forum, sleepie. I hope you find a way to create the rest of your life in a way you can appreciate -- one lego at a time

Cow

I think that well said, Sleepies. I know this happen to me several time, quite profoundly, in my 5,000 chapter of Cow. Somebody come along and give insight that pierce me. No, we not can solve you, but keep talking is good, I think.

And plus also, may I say I very proud that you post about you diagnosis. I know must be in some ways shocking to you, as you had strong belief was LD hold you down. So I think should be acknowledge that you making you self vulnerable by share this with us.

To me, even though is maybe not feel better in you head, I does see progress and growth in you action.

sleepie

I was thinking about when I was a kid, the really obvious symptoms of depression that I had, that nobody ever noticed, and all the bullying I suffered and yet no one ever said anything, ever. I can't fathom any of it and it just makes me feel like more of a non human. And I wonder if childhood depression morphs into adult depression, I never had any of the textbook symptoms when I was a younger adult. But I knew I was unhappy and just powered through.

tomsteve

you've had over 2000 replies to your theads
this year alone!

why not go back and real the hundreds of different viewpoints.

want a different viewpoint?
ok. here it is:
you got 99 problems.
there is absolutely only one solution.
its in your mirror.

you say you do only take care of one thing at a time. the LD theory has been proven false, which was quite obvious as there is no way someome with a LD can have the vocabulary you do and type as well as you do.

so, now its time to look in the mirror at yourself. if you truly want to be free, you have to look at you,CHANGE YOYU AND YOUR ATTITUDES, and stop expecting the worlds going to change its ways. you've been doing that for years and it hasn't. you cant go back in time and change anything.
accept what you cant change and change what you can.

but I get the notion the viewpoint youre lookin for is someone with a secret on how to get the world to change or how to go back in time and change things.
that aint happening.

Dropsie

Sleeps,

Thinking of you. I think what you and Cow got going on is awe inspiring; from an outsiders viewpoint you each do for each other what you cannot for yourselves.

Wish I could help more, but you know I does luv you (both).

Aellyce

^This!

Hi sleepie, btw You've got ample thoughtful responses on this thread and on many other threads as well.

Glad that the LD thing has turned out negative. But now, what are you going to do with this information? You know, I am just a bit worried that now that the LD is kinda out of perspective, you may come up with something else to replace it... some other rare "disorder" or combination of issues to potentially explain your hardships in a unique form that cannot be fixed or improved. Then you may dive into that and identify with another problem, or 99 problems... on and on and on. These things become your existence, your identity and if one is proven false or is gone, there are certainly other mysterious conditions to be found and identified with.

You mentioned up-thread that you feel that you never had an "ego"... a sense of self. I would emphasize sense of self because maybe you substitute it with an identity that you feel has been faulty or flawed from start and that no one truly recognizes and appreciates. Have you considered that perhaps much of those stories are not true anymore, and the only way to stop these cycles and cultivate change is to stop telling yourself the old tales, or stop creating new tales still from the same source?

I feel that your creativity is something that is a unique ability and force, but it tortures you just as effectively when you turn it against yourself. It's like you are damming up your own power so everything appears static and without hope... like a spring-fed lake whose own weight dams up the springs that feed it. I have no idea how to liberate that source for you but, reading many of your posts over time, this is what always comes to mind. None of us can be free even after considerable amount of sober and clean time if we do not liberate ourselves or let that happen. I think that you are well on that road already and have been for a good while... just don't see it enough yet probably. But many others who respond to you clearly do

Cow

I hope can be interesting discussion here. As person with severe, intractable and, thus far, untreatable depressions, a question often come up for me: Can my brain/mind overcome it own mental illness?

I total understand everybody in my life different reaction to my mental illness: Some relate from experience, some intent to problem solve, some get very frustrated cuz is no change, some is sympathetic, some take distance, some get angry that I not make progress, some just get worn out and apathetic, some think after all this years, I must be malingering. Most, including my own self, think all these thing together or shift back and forth over time.

I try no to get super depress about being super depress, but you can see where is the conundrum and possibility of infinite regress. Could I genuine BE more "positive” about my depressions? Is maybe impossible question. But I does try. It maybe seem like faintest, most slenderest of efforts to other, but, hoo boy howdy, I really does try.

Just things of my mind on independence day. Wishing freedom from whatever afflict you to all.

davaidavai

We are people stuck between a village and a city, the middle ages and post modernity. Where previously our sense of self was wrapped up in a village economy, now we are seeking value in a different way.

Maybe axioms about 'dreams' are really important because, all codes broken, we can only find correct interface with the collective through dreams now. The collective economy is designed to interface with that kind of individuality previously held sacreligious possibly because it held no utility

In other words, maybe mic jagger was actually onto something.

Maybe depression is also an invitation to reflection, to getting back in touch with dreams, with the inner person. My sense of my own gnashing despair is that when it gets really bad the problem is a) blood sugar and b) is i am fighting something, trying to cordon it of with acrobatics, like trying to catch the wind in a jar rather than allowing myself to be blown. Or i am actually the wind.

strategery

I don't think it is possible to overcome mental illness, but I think it's possible to lessen some of its effects and/or manage it.

I've suffered from severe depression. While I couldn't get rid of the depression, I did things that helped. I set goals to help me feel like I was accomplishing things and I exercised, which gave me some reprieve. I also found that not focusing on the depression itself helped and finding things to look forward to, helped.
Many days I didn't want to do any of these things, but I made myself do them any ways and they did help.

Dropsie

I love this: be the watcher of your life not the angry dictator.

Strat, I curious because you talk about your depression in past tense -- are you better?? I am. Completely better, and I was bad, so very bad.

So my dear Cow, I do think some people can get better from mental illness, but like any illness, depends on what you got. And what you got is a raw deal my fiend -- a friggin raw deal.

I still thinks you can get better, and Sleeps you can too, because you are both you, and that is something really amazing. To me.

Go set off a firework for me my friends, cause we dont got them in Belgium. Too dangerous. Go figure.

XXXX Do you feel it??