Friends Who Drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 5
Friends Who Drink
Hello! I'm newly sober and so far have been really enjoying the renewed energy and alertness living alcohol free has given me. (I'm about two weeks in.) I've had a good go of it so far, and have dealt with triggers with a combination of finding alternate coping mechanisms or just urge surfing. I'm beginning to see how unwilling I was to maybe just feel a little sad or anxious sometimes without medicating it away. It really doesn't kill you does it!?
Anyway, one of the obstacles I'm facing lately is how much alcohol was embedded in the social life of both myself and my husband. Happy hours galore at work, friends having BBQs that are really all about the booze, even play dates where Mom's bring sippy cups full of wine! I seriously think some of our friends may have drinking problems now that I'm not partaking. I also see how it could take me so long to recognize my problem since binge drinking is so accepted in our social circle.
So far many friends have been supportive of our decision to not drink, but others not so much. Also, I feel bored when I'm the only one not drinking at social events where booze seems to be the focus. I'm trying to arrange events now where we do something active, like go carting or zip lining or hiking. Then, that becomes the focus, and if we BBQ afterward and they want to drink that's easier for me, since the focus on the day was the event and the food and not alcohol.
However, I still feel like I'm left out of many activities. The other day a girlfriend came over for dinner and brought wine. She totally forgot! She ended up drinking the bottle herself, but I felt a little odd about it and left out to be honest. I wonder if we can't connect like we used to without my drinking.
Anybody else feel this way or struggle with being a non-drinker in a drinking world?
Anyway, one of the obstacles I'm facing lately is how much alcohol was embedded in the social life of both myself and my husband. Happy hours galore at work, friends having BBQs that are really all about the booze, even play dates where Mom's bring sippy cups full of wine! I seriously think some of our friends may have drinking problems now that I'm not partaking. I also see how it could take me so long to recognize my problem since binge drinking is so accepted in our social circle.
So far many friends have been supportive of our decision to not drink, but others not so much. Also, I feel bored when I'm the only one not drinking at social events where booze seems to be the focus. I'm trying to arrange events now where we do something active, like go carting or zip lining or hiking. Then, that becomes the focus, and if we BBQ afterward and they want to drink that's easier for me, since the focus on the day was the event and the food and not alcohol.
However, I still feel like I'm left out of many activities. The other day a girlfriend came over for dinner and brought wine. She totally forgot! She ended up drinking the bottle herself, but I felt a little odd about it and left out to be honest. I wonder if we can't connect like we used to without my drinking.
Anybody else feel this way or struggle with being a non-drinker in a drinking world?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
There are a lot of non-alcoholics whose social life does not focus on alcohol. You just did not choose them as friends in the past.
In future, as you move on in sobriety, you can expand your social circle so that you can be around moms' who do not have alcohol in sippy cups. (That one really got me. What kind of mothers are these?) Just be patient and willing to meet new folk/try new things. It really can happen.
In future, as you move on in sobriety, you can expand your social circle so that you can be around moms' who do not have alcohol in sippy cups. (That one really got me. What kind of mothers are these?) Just be patient and willing to meet new folk/try new things. It really can happen.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Mirabella and congratulations on your 2 weeks sober! You've made a great decision that you won't regret!
The way you feel and struggles is VERY common, almost everyone goes through what you are going through right now. It does seem like alcohol is "everywhere", but as you are already finding there's plenty of activities that don't involve alcohol, as a matter of fact more of them that don't than those that do. As addicts though, we tend to schedule our day around activities that allow us to feed our addiction...so it takes some time and getting used to when we make those changes.
One of the hardest parts is that many of our "friends" were really just drinking buddies when you look back over time. Once you take alcohol out of the equation, there is literally nothing left - alcohol was the sole purpose of getting together. So unfortunately, we must sometimes simply end those relationships and find others people to hang around with, just as we need to find other activities.
Long term it's certainly possible to keep attending events where drinking is happening, but I still don't attend events were drinking is the PRIMARY function. For example, I don't go to bachelor parties or hang out in bars anymore, because there is simply no reason for me to be there when the only activity planned is drinking alcohol.
The way you feel and struggles is VERY common, almost everyone goes through what you are going through right now. It does seem like alcohol is "everywhere", but as you are already finding there's plenty of activities that don't involve alcohol, as a matter of fact more of them that don't than those that do. As addicts though, we tend to schedule our day around activities that allow us to feed our addiction...so it takes some time and getting used to when we make those changes.
One of the hardest parts is that many of our "friends" were really just drinking buddies when you look back over time. Once you take alcohol out of the equation, there is literally nothing left - alcohol was the sole purpose of getting together. So unfortunately, we must sometimes simply end those relationships and find others people to hang around with, just as we need to find other activities.
Long term it's certainly possible to keep attending events where drinking is happening, but I still don't attend events were drinking is the PRIMARY function. For example, I don't go to bachelor parties or hang out in bars anymore, because there is simply no reason for me to be there when the only activity planned is drinking alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
I know that feeling all too well. Now that I'm sober, I realize I don't really have any friends, but it sounds a lot worse than it is. I occasionally hang out with a couple of friends, we go to lunch or take a walk, but there really isn't a connection like I used to think we had. I'm actually enjoying the amount of alone time I'm getting because it gives me more time to focus on myself. I'm not using alcohol to try to be someone I'm not to impress others, and it's pretty awesome.
Besides that, my fiance is the most supportive person in my life. Our relationship has improved a lot since I've stopped drinking and he's my best friend.
I think you could benefit from taking some more "you" time, and I think maybe the new friends come later. It's definitely harder to make friends without the alcohol, but I think we'll find more meaningful relationships with others this way.
Besides that, my fiance is the most supportive person in my life. Our relationship has improved a lot since I've stopped drinking and he's my best friend.
I think you could benefit from taking some more "you" time, and I think maybe the new friends come later. It's definitely harder to make friends without the alcohol, but I think we'll find more meaningful relationships with others this way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Congrats on two weeks sober! It is still very early days for you and what you feel is very normal, when I first got sober alcohol hit me in the face, it was EVERYWHERE! Overtime what you are thinking and feeling will lessen and you not drinking wont even bother you x Ive written a blog on this subject which I hope you may find helpful x x x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 5
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to get back to me. I think I may lose some friends, which is sad, but the ones who are heavy drinkers are likely to reject me as I'm a reminder that they're not as in control as they might think they are. I have other friends who drink less, and some who aren't addicts but don't drink for health reasons. (When you think about it, in addition to being a drug, alcohol is really just empty calories.) I'm comfortable with spending more me time. I have so much more time now it seems so I should be able to enjoy my hobbies more now. I can imagine I'll meet some new people there, around activities that aren't alcohol related. I can see now how I drew heavy drinkers into my life before. There's a camaraderie in addiction.
I also agree that I'll have to start avoiding situations where drinking is the primary focus. For instance, my family and I went to a street fair last weekend. There were plenty of beer tents of course, but there were also lots of games for the kids, food trucks, music and vendors. I had a great time there sober. In fact, it felt so much better than wasting time and money in the beer tent, then feeling foggy the rest of the day. (Or even worse, getting home and popping open a bottle of wine. Once I start, I don't like to stop!) Anyway, we then ran into some friends who wanted to go to a local brewery. I have some fond memories of the place, but it's a place to drink and nothing else . I can't imagine that situation being anything but a danger zone. I turned them down. So even though there was alcohol at both events, I was fine at the street fair but am sure I would not have been at the brewery.
I was really not expecting sobriety to require so much restructuring of my life! I'm not late stages or anything, no job loss, DUI's, physical withdrawal, etc so I figured my life would pretty much go on as usual, just without alcohol. I see now how incredibly naive this was. Alcohol was a much bigger part of my life than I had suspected.
For instance, one of my biggest trigger times is right after work, when I get home and start the "second shift" with dinner and homework. My former ritual was to dump my briefcase and head straight for the fridge to grab a bottle of white wine. Just looking at that dewey bottle instantly calmed me and helped with my transition from work to home. I would then pour a glass and chop vegetables for dinner and chat with my husband, etc. I would always finish the bottle. On bad nights, I'd open a second. On really bad nights, I'd finish that one too. (I feel like crying just typing that.) After my decision go sober this was a teeth gnashing time for me. I had to ask myself WHY the pull of alcohol was so tough for me at this time, and I realized that I was using it as a way to transition from work to home. It obviously signaled something my psyche really needed.
So, the next day I left work early and stopped at Target before heading home. I bought some soft tie pants and tops, the kind you lounge about in on weekends, as well as some lavender bath oils and soaps. When I got home my supportive husband sorta held the kids at bay and I immediately headed upstairs. There, I took off my work clothes and took a quick shower using the bath oils and soaps. I washed my face. I put on my nice lounging pants and top and came downstairs and poured a nice, refreshing glass of seltzer water and added a lemon. Then I began making dinner, chatting with my family, kids, etc. I had zero pull for wine!! That was it! I needed a new ritual. Now I look forward to that shower and those pants and my scented oils when I get back from work. I wash my day away and ease into home life.
I have another trigger that when I have a really stressful day at work I tend to stop by the bar for a warmer drink before heading home. I know I have to deal with this trigger. We have a gym membership and the gym has a hot tub and sauna. I'm going to keep a bag packed with a bathing suit in my car, so on stressful days I can head to the gym hot tub after work instead of the bar.
It's really amazing to me now to see how I used alcohol in so many aspects of my life. Going sober is so much more than just "not drinking". Thanks for listening. It feels really good to type this.
I also agree that I'll have to start avoiding situations where drinking is the primary focus. For instance, my family and I went to a street fair last weekend. There were plenty of beer tents of course, but there were also lots of games for the kids, food trucks, music and vendors. I had a great time there sober. In fact, it felt so much better than wasting time and money in the beer tent, then feeling foggy the rest of the day. (Or even worse, getting home and popping open a bottle of wine. Once I start, I don't like to stop!) Anyway, we then ran into some friends who wanted to go to a local brewery. I have some fond memories of the place, but it's a place to drink and nothing else . I can't imagine that situation being anything but a danger zone. I turned them down. So even though there was alcohol at both events, I was fine at the street fair but am sure I would not have been at the brewery.
I was really not expecting sobriety to require so much restructuring of my life! I'm not late stages or anything, no job loss, DUI's, physical withdrawal, etc so I figured my life would pretty much go on as usual, just without alcohol. I see now how incredibly naive this was. Alcohol was a much bigger part of my life than I had suspected.
For instance, one of my biggest trigger times is right after work, when I get home and start the "second shift" with dinner and homework. My former ritual was to dump my briefcase and head straight for the fridge to grab a bottle of white wine. Just looking at that dewey bottle instantly calmed me and helped with my transition from work to home. I would then pour a glass and chop vegetables for dinner and chat with my husband, etc. I would always finish the bottle. On bad nights, I'd open a second. On really bad nights, I'd finish that one too. (I feel like crying just typing that.) After my decision go sober this was a teeth gnashing time for me. I had to ask myself WHY the pull of alcohol was so tough for me at this time, and I realized that I was using it as a way to transition from work to home. It obviously signaled something my psyche really needed.
So, the next day I left work early and stopped at Target before heading home. I bought some soft tie pants and tops, the kind you lounge about in on weekends, as well as some lavender bath oils and soaps. When I got home my supportive husband sorta held the kids at bay and I immediately headed upstairs. There, I took off my work clothes and took a quick shower using the bath oils and soaps. I washed my face. I put on my nice lounging pants and top and came downstairs and poured a nice, refreshing glass of seltzer water and added a lemon. Then I began making dinner, chatting with my family, kids, etc. I had zero pull for wine!! That was it! I needed a new ritual. Now I look forward to that shower and those pants and my scented oils when I get back from work. I wash my day away and ease into home life.
I have another trigger that when I have a really stressful day at work I tend to stop by the bar for a warmer drink before heading home. I know I have to deal with this trigger. We have a gym membership and the gym has a hot tub and sauna. I'm going to keep a bag packed with a bathing suit in my car, so on stressful days I can head to the gym hot tub after work instead of the bar.
It's really amazing to me now to see how I used alcohol in so many aspects of my life. Going sober is so much more than just "not drinking". Thanks for listening. It feels really good to type this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Mirabella 
I think I may lose some friends, which is sad, but the ones who are heavy drinkers are likely to reject me as I'm a reminder that they're not as in control as they might think they are.
It's sad to be certain, because we all have lots of fun memories of the "good times" we had with some of those folks, and theres' no doubt that we did. But in reality it was simply all about the alcohol.
Your true friends will still be your friends when everything is said and done.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by miamifella
There are a lot of non-alcoholics whose social life does not focus on alcohol. You just did not choose them as friends in the past.
In future, as you move on in sobriety, you can expand your social circle so that you can be around moms' who do not have alcohol in sippy cups. (That one really got me. What kind of mothers are these?) Just be patient and willing to meet new folk/try new things. It really can happen.
In future, as you move on in sobriety, you can expand your social circle so that you can be around moms' who do not have alcohol in sippy cups. (That one really got me. What kind of mothers are these?) Just be patient and willing to meet new folk/try new things. It really can happen.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
You are doing so so well! Being sober is a completely new way of life and it does take time to adjust, that doesnt happen overnight either it takes time and in recovery we learn an awful lot about ourselves. Your current mindset is very focused, for two weeks in that is just awesome! Remember to take it a day at a time tho. What Ive found really encouraging is that you've written and gone through your thought processes here on SR, which will help you in your recovery, its really important to that, so do keep coming back here whenever you need to to do the same thing, it is likely that you may hit some lows but that is ok too, its all part and parcel, whats important is you continue to do what you are doing by sitting with your feelings for a bit, then getting it all out there to someone else x
Heres to another sober day x x x
Heres to another sober day
x x x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Mirabella, wow, you've done an impressive job of transitioning from wine to seltzer water! I love how you created a new ritual. For me, drinking was basically a habit that started at 5 or 6 pm and ended a few hours later. And I agree, there is a whole mommy drinking community that exists. Welcome to the forum and congratulations on 2 weeks!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
When I was single and newly sober I spent a lot of time with my AA friends. On weekend daytimes I was into outdorr activities with non A friends, and friday and saturday nights were meetings followed by a night out with other young AAs.
When my career took off, we had occassional conferences, which were slightly boozy. I was popular as the sober driver.
When I got married, I still had work functions, but the rest of the time did not have much need to be with anyone other than my wife. Still went to dinner, even owned a restaurant for a while. Had a good social life based around food and hobbies rather than alcohol.
When my career took off, we had occassional conferences, which were slightly boozy. I was popular as the sober driver.
When I got married, I still had work functions, but the rest of the time did not have much need to be with anyone other than my wife. Still went to dinner, even owned a restaurant for a while. Had a good social life based around food and hobbies rather than alcohol.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Mirabella, i love reading how you're identifying the tough times, seeing what you can change about it and are then doing it! awesome!
those feelings of being left out?
they will change. some of those "friends" aren't, and you'll find the activities that centre solely around drinking don't leave you feeling left out any more but bored.
people getting drunk are utterly boring!
and that's even before they start getting really loud, or crying, or roaring, or falling over...
you have a good chance of developing a whole new life, in a way. whole. as in: healthy. integrated. measures of peace instead of driven-ness.
keep going.
those feelings of being left out?
they will change. some of those "friends" aren't, and you'll find the activities that centre solely around drinking don't leave you feeling left out any more but bored.
people getting drunk are utterly boring!
and that's even before they start getting really loud, or crying, or roaring, or falling over...
you have a good chance of developing a whole new life, in a way. whole. as in: healthy. integrated. measures of peace instead of driven-ness.
keep going.
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