Hard Time Identifying
 

I'm having a real hard identifying what the hell is wrong with me. Without going into everything I'll make it quick. I am for sure a alcoholic/drug addict. That was the whole reason I joined this forum. I've struggled with depression for a very long time but not truly felt it's effects until I got sober. My addictions had a very large part of destroying my marriage but was not the whole story. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with that phase of my life and I understand it's a trigger. But it's been two years since we separated and I got sober so I'm pretty sure it's not the whole problem. Looking back in my life, I was always prone to depression. I always got drunk/high to cover it up.

So I've been battling it off and on but mostly on. These last few years have been torture. I've been on meds and off meds. At one point I was on four different types and it made me actually crazy. The last eight months or so I've been dealing with it on my own. But last month I filed for divorce and it has thrown me into the pits of hell. She was being very verbally abusive at the time of me filing so I didn't think it would effect me the way it is effecting me.

For some reason I will always love her very much but I'm fully aware that we can't be together. So why am I having such a hard time letting go? We have a son together but share custody and he is a very happy boy. He is also a daddy's boy and we have a unbelievable relationship. I'm going to school to become a substance abuse consoler. I have a great job that I've had for the past seven years. So why am I so miserable? I can't identify the problem and I'm the type of person who NEEDS to know why.

When all else fails,
the serenity prayer comes to mind.
MB

You're unhappy and not over your divorce. Nothing unusual or unique about your situation. Fortunately time usually heels all wounds. Maybe speak with a therapist about your ongoing funk.

Personally I found the best way to get over a relationship was to date again.

Never easy but like I mentioned time does help make the hurt go away. .

Hi wshall -- it sounds like you've had a lot of stress and change in the last couple of years. Learning to live sober, dealing with a separation and now a divorce, parenting ... it's a lot. I would think you'll need time to heal.

I had a divorce some years ago, and it took me a long time to feel at peace with it. It was a 15 year relationship and took about 5 years for me to feel that I had let it go. I still felt love for my ex, although I knew divorce was necessary and the right thing. It's just a big loss that takes time to process.

For me it was important to be very kind and gentle to myself. I did some work to understand my part in things, but also just tried to give myself permission to rest and heal.

I'm not a doctor but I'm wondering about the whole approach to using the drugs to deal with the depression. You explained that you are a drug addict and then you also told us that at one point you were on four types of meds and it made you crazy.

What I find on this Forum is a lot of people who have gone through addiction and depression without using meds as their main resource. Other things that they say have helped have been 12-step meetings, counselling, keeping a journal, praying, going to church, doing voluntary work, meditation, exercise and of course sharing here regularly.

A lot of people who take a proactive approach to doing those things say their depression lifts.

Unfortunately, sometimes it's just down to brain chemistry, simply put, that causes mental illness like depression. I'm personally still working on finding a medication that works for me, and I've been working on it for a while. Sobering up has helped me much more clearly understand exactly how I'm feeling at any given point, which is good and bad.

I wish you luck. I wish relationships were as easy as turning off your feelings when you know they don't work.

You got that right (about the brain chemistry).

Where are you up to with the steps?

I've completed the steps

When relationships end in our life, even relationships that were difficult and conflicted, it makes us sad. Simple as that.

Accepting my feelings was a hard part of getting sober. I stayed away from them for so long by numbing myself. You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to feel. As much as it hurts, as much as it sucks.

What helped me was staying connected to people, which meant I had to allow myself to be vulnerable- another thing I'm not good at. But after a few years of riding this out over all the hills and valleys things have gotten so much better.

I am sorry for the loss of your marriage. I wish you all the best.