Arbor

It's funny how we slowly figure things out the longer we're sober. I mean just yesterday I was in what felt like the trenches mentally. And then today, a completely different day where you wake up with what you think are self realizations that hopefully support the recovery.

So, I find myself thinking of what others do to generalize, rationalize their own drinking, and the thought processes that breed life into what their daily choices are like, if it bothers me.

And if you're content with your drinking and your life the way it is, what good does it do me to think otherwise? To think badly of your situation? I am not better than you. You do not have the same problems as I, obviously. Or maybe you do? We all have problems. Everyone does.

So what should or should not fuel me? Not this ego? Or maybe a bit of egowould do me good. Consistency would be great, eventually.

freshstart57

Ego can be the internal driving force that takes us out of addiction and alcoholism and their accompanying shame and guilt. You can make a choice to get that better life, and this is a decision that will be free of regrets.

As far as others and their experience, all we can do is offer our support, telling them there is a different way forward.

ScottFromWI

Pretty heavy stuff Arbor! I'm not sure I have an answer other than that self-realization is important to a certain extent, but we have to be careful to not let it turn into an obsession or a paralysis by thinking ;-)

Soberwolf

What do you mean by what shall fuel you ?

Arbor

I dunno, Soberwolf. What motivates you? There's lots of tools that keep me going. Although, ego plays a part one must be careful with it as well.

Thanks for letting me hang these thoughts out to dry!

Soberwolf

In short: Life motivates me bud

August252015

I had a rough day yesterday, too. What struck me about your words...

I had to rely on non-self realizations, but God-realizations and working my program through my support system (sponsor, program friends, Mom who is in recovery) and a lot of prayer. This was the kind of day where I needed contact throughout, even one person who walked me out of my regular lunch mtg early to talk.

EGO - must go. HUMBLE PRAYER - must be in.

Just my $0.02.

Arbor

That's what I'm finding out, August. Last meeting I went to a long time member spoke up. His words I don't remember to the T, but he ended it with EGO (edging God out). It hit the group well including myself and kinda brought some tears out with the way he delivered the message.

I've never been a big ego guy. More introverted than anything else, so I was wondering if it would be more beneficial in my case to some degree.

JD

I may be wrong, but what I think you're looking for Arbor is self esteem or self confidence. That's different than ego. Ego is more self centered. You can have confidence in yourself and still have empathy for others. Ego is all about you.

SoberLeigh

What continues to motivate me is the goodness and peace I have found in sobriety - I never, ever want to give that up.

I hope that others in my life who may drink too much will recognize the peace and contentment in my life and draw from it if and when they feel the need. If they ask about my sobriety, I will expound on it's benefits and the difference it has made in my life.

Here's to recovery. May those who need, want and seek it - find it.

You rock, my friend.

cejay

Hi Arbor,

By what should or should not fuel me, I think I get what you're asking. Kind of "What now? that ego isn't driving me forward life? Should ego drive me still?" that kind of thing?

I can't answer what should fuel you but I can speak to my own journey.

Ego and fear used to fuel my entire life. I drove hard to scale the corporate ladder, acquire materiel things and make as much money as possible and this in turn, fueled my drinking. This all lead to colossal unhappiness for me. In getting sober, I've decided that that sort of life isn't for me.

I realized how unhappy this was making me and I pivoted my career into a different track.

The vehicle (for me) is digging into my spirituality and exploring different concepts and ideas, getting quiet, talking to others in my fellowship, so that I can figure out what *really* makes me happy and content.

Just think about how many messages we are bombarded with, every day, all day that the next i-Gadget is the key to ultimate happiness - and it isn't. Consumerism is not the key - we've been lied to.

So thats a long winded way to say, what fuels me today is: A drive to be content by living a life of good health, great friendships and helping others. Focusing less on materiel things and more on experiences.

CJ.

Arbor

Thanks CJ. You hit the nail on the head. That's where I'm at. I see me digging deeper into the spiritual side of things as I move forward.

I too climbed the ladder, became successful, bought a house, got married, had kids...along with all that came time for celebration. The more success, the more I indulged. That being said, it was always a problem. My drinking and drugging. I just never saw it as such until it was time.

Berrybean

I try to be fuelled by love and compassion. Not always easy, and I don't always succeed, but that's my aim. Progress not perfection strikes again lol.

Soberpotamus

What motivates or fuels me? I think it's curiosity. And making connections, discoveries, realizations. Making sense of this life and our existence.

Interesting post, Arbor.

As to what 'should' fuel a person, well, I guess that's going into the realm of ethics maybe? Or dabbling, at least.

And as for what motivates my recovery ... well, I guess that would be self-preservation first, and after that maybe relationship damage control and salvaging what was left of things.

LaVallette

For some reason this thread reminded me of this quote from "Fight Club":
God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy **** we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Arbor

Good quote, LaVallette.

August252015

AA talks about a different definition of the ego , the I, the self. It is not about self-confidence or extroversion.

You need to take care of yourself to take care of others. This is not self-centered.

You need to believe you can stay sober, and act on it.

BB p 82: "...Certainly [the alcoholic] must stay sober, for there will be no home if he doesn't."
But...

What is the really tough part is that EVERYTHING is from an "I" perspective - I am learning this truth - even the things you'd tell someone aren't about YOU - ask yourself, ARE they?

BB:
p 86 " .... Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? " - usually, even when we don't realize it. Ex: "I am giving my daughter the birthday party she wants! [ so loving and generous of me]" Translation in honesty: "It makes ME feel good to do this! I am such a good parent." Ego.

There are plenty more examples and discussions abound throughout the annals of AA and mtgs.

This is a big one - and I am speaking to myself here, before and as much as to anyone else. Really understanding this stuff- whew.

Arbor

Thanks August! I was just thinking about this and was going to start another thread, but it really applies here.

My perception of myself is so damn skewed. If I could just break through that human flaw and be able to look outside of myself I'd be good to go.

Really, the underlying issue of why I drank the way I did for as long as I did.

Centered3

I like what August wrote.

Arbor, someone taught me years ago in AA that "ego isn't what we think about. It's not us combing our hair in the mirror and thinking how good looking we are", he said.

Ego means we are living life in our head and not from our heart.

The broken mind of an alcoholic/addict is where the very large ego lives, and it needs to be somewhat crushed.

When we live out of ego, we are running on self will run riot. We often act selfish, dishonest (to ourselves and others), self-seeking, and frightened.

But when we live with our lives aligned with our higher power, or the God of our understanding, we live from our heart. We become "unblocked" and we start to act unselfish, honest, God/others-seeking, and fearless/courageous.

Someone once posted on SR to think of God as Guider of Decisions. And yes, in AA it's often suggested to think of Ego as Edging God Out.

A person can still be ego and self-driven, even as an introvert. It's a spiritual way of thinking about "ego", not a psychological way.

I hope sharing that perspective helps. :-) It helped me a lot and I'm happy to pass it on.

Arbor

^^^ I love it. Thank you so much, Centered. Clearly, I have so much still to learn.