Is this the only good decision I make?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 93
Is this the only good decision I make?
Its been awhile since I've posted here. Im 2 years sober with 2 bad nights.I just need to say what im feeling to someone, sorry if this is the wrong place to post.
Im going through a lot of changes and im tempted to drink in a way that hasn't bothered me in a long time. I went through a major life change recently when I moved back to the States from Korea where Id lived for 4 years. My plan was to shortly after coming home relocate to Thailand to be with my girlfriend. I then made a commitment to do some political organizing in Pennsylvania, then I decided to attend a software engineering technical school in North Carolina where my family is.
Instead of doing any of those things I broke up with my girlfriend, flaked on my PA plans, and moved to San Francisco to do a differenrt software engineering program. Now im alone in a city I dont like and I feel like I had this sequence of choices where I just made the worst possible decision at every turn. I even started smoking again a week ago. And now im spending my free time wandering the streets aimlessly and noticing the liquor stores in a way that makes me nervous.
I feel like I must have some self preservation instinct, otherwise I never would have stayed sober this long. So why cant I make any other good decisions?
Im going through a lot of changes and im tempted to drink in a way that hasn't bothered me in a long time. I went through a major life change recently when I moved back to the States from Korea where Id lived for 4 years. My plan was to shortly after coming home relocate to Thailand to be with my girlfriend. I then made a commitment to do some political organizing in Pennsylvania, then I decided to attend a software engineering technical school in North Carolina where my family is.
Instead of doing any of those things I broke up with my girlfriend, flaked on my PA plans, and moved to San Francisco to do a differenrt software engineering program. Now im alone in a city I dont like and I feel like I had this sequence of choices where I just made the worst possible decision at every turn. I even started smoking again a week ago. And now im spending my free time wandering the streets aimlessly and noticing the liquor stores in a way that makes me nervous.
I feel like I must have some self preservation instinct, otherwise I never would have stayed sober this long. So why cant I make any other good decisions?
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I'm sorry your struggling Greeneggs but drinking would be the absolute worst decision you could make. I know you know that & am glad you posted. Maybe just take a step back & reevaluate your situation & be incredibly proud of yourself for 2 years sobriety!! I am
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The first thing that came to mind was this piece from AA literature.
"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. "
It would seem the entire psychic change is the thing that is needed to treat the alcoholism. Your post seemed to convey a sense of restlessness and discontentment, leading to all these decisions which, on the face of it seemed to be around changing your external circumstances to fix your internal feelings. I never found that to work. Perhaps treating the alcoholism might be the place to start, and that is internal.
"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. "
It would seem the entire psychic change is the thing that is needed to treat the alcoholism. Your post seemed to convey a sense of restlessness and discontentment, leading to all these decisions which, on the face of it seemed to be around changing your external circumstances to fix your internal feelings. I never found that to work. Perhaps treating the alcoholism might be the place to start, and that is internal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
The first thing that came to mind was this piece from AA literature.
"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. "
It would seem the entire psychic change is the thing that is needed to treat the alcoholism. Your post seemed to convey a sense of restlessness and discontentment, leading to all these decisions which, on the face of it seemed to be around changing your external circumstances to fix your internal feelings. I never found that to work. Perhaps treating the alcoholism might be the place to start, and that is internal.
"They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. "
It would seem the entire psychic change is the thing that is needed to treat the alcoholism. Your post seemed to convey a sense of restlessness and discontentment, leading to all these decisions which, on the face of it seemed to be around changing your external circumstances to fix your internal feelings. I never found that to work. Perhaps treating the alcoholism might be the place to start, and that is internal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by GreenEggsnHam
Its been awhile since I've posted here. Im 2 years sober with 2 bad nights.I just need to say what im feeling to someone, sorry if this is the wrong place to post.
Im going through a lot of changes and im tempted to drink in a way that hasn't bothered me in a long time. I went through a major life change recently when I moved back to the States from Korea where Id lived for 4 years. My plan was to shortly after coming home relocate to Thailand to be with my girlfriend. I then made a commitment to do some political organizing in Pennsylvania, then I decided to attend a software engineering technical school in North Carolina where my family is.
Instead of doing any of those things I broke up with my girlfriend, flaked on my PA plans, and moved to San Francisco to do a differenrt software engineering program. Now im alone in a city I dont like and I feel like I had this sequence of choices where I just made the worst possible decision at every turn. I even started smoking again a week ago. And now im spending my free time wandering the streets aimlessly and noticing the liquor stores in a way that makes me nervous.
I feel like I must have some self preservation instinct, otherwise I never would have stayed sober this long. So why cant I make any other good decisions?
Im going through a lot of changes and im tempted to drink in a way that hasn't bothered me in a long time. I went through a major life change recently when I moved back to the States from Korea where Id lived for 4 years. My plan was to shortly after coming home relocate to Thailand to be with my girlfriend. I then made a commitment to do some political organizing in Pennsylvania, then I decided to attend a software engineering technical school in North Carolina where my family is.
Instead of doing any of those things I broke up with my girlfriend, flaked on my PA plans, and moved to San Francisco to do a differenrt software engineering program. Now im alone in a city I dont like and I feel like I had this sequence of choices where I just made the worst possible decision at every turn. I even started smoking again a week ago. And now im spending my free time wandering the streets aimlessly and noticing the liquor stores in a way that makes me nervous.
I feel like I must have some self preservation instinct, otherwise I never would have stayed sober this long. So why cant I make any other good decisions?
Not of fan of SF anymore. It has has a weird depressing vibe these days but it`s my favorite city for AA meetings when traveling.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
How is your recovery work going GEAH? I know that for me, comfort and serenity in my sober life, and a sane and healthy sober perspective is only sustainable while I do my daily and weekly recovery work.
I'd def check out some of those meetings.
I'd def check out some of those meetings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 93
My recovery work has always been pretty passive. When I first quit I was pretty active on here then I stopped feeling the need. I think my recovery work has been maintaining a stable life up until this recent mix up. My plan is to just white knuckle my way to September when I finish this program then start rebuilding that stability.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Isn't it now that you need the relief that the recovery work will afford you though.
Completely up to you of course, but I know that if I went a week without doing my recovery work I'd start feeling rattled. By September I'd likely have lost the plot and be insane again or drinking.
Completely up to you of course, but I know that if I went a week without doing my recovery work I'd start feeling rattled. By September I'd likely have lost the plot and be insane again or drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I may not have too many words of wisdom to share in this thread, but I DO know what it's like to be alone....AND to feel lonesome even when you are with others...(go figure on that one)!
I remember my first and only Christmas alone. I was a junior in college, but was sitting out a semester and feeling/knowing I very much wanted to finish and get my degree, but feeling a bit in limbo at the time. I was supporting myself, was on my own. My roommate was gone. I needed to work and didn't want to lose my job for missing work...so ended up working over the holidays...My mom told me I could move home during this time in my life, but there was something in me that felt like I very much needed to "make it" on my own.
Sooooo.....I was alone, but not really. I remember thinking that it sort of unfair to spend Christmas without being with family or loved ones. Everyone ELSE seemed to be with family and when I went to the stores I just assumed everyone in those stores wasn't alone like me. I was still a kid really, almost 21.
So, how did I get through?
Just like I had been doing for many a year....ever since I was a kid. When going gets tough you get out the guitar and singing and playing. And that's how I got through. I don't know how it came about exactly, but the neighbors across the street (who were "special") wanted me to come over there and sing and play. It was just them and me and my guitar on Christmas Eve for about an hour or so. No food, no fanfare, no booze, no drugs, nuttin' fancy...it was : simple.
Words of wisdom from the guy was very simple indeed. He told about his job and how he had to stand up for himself and then he proclaimed fervently and "No one's gonna tell me what to DO!!!!!" He said it again, and again. He seemed to want to drive that point home. So, I took it home with me, my neighbor's advice. And, I continued to take it with me throughout my life and used it in some experiences.
There is this thing called, "Free Will". God gave us that and I'm very thankful for it. But, do I exercise this at the times I really need to? Or, do I "corral" myself into a feeling of "no options" and "stagnation"?
Now: I realize there are times to submit; times to follow instructions; time to be COMPLIANT. (God forbid that I should be non-compliant)
Being alone that Christmas was not easy, for sure...and I remember feeling lonely and sort of sad too......but after it was over; after it passed....I took something away from it that has helped me make it through OTHER tough times.
I remember my first and only Christmas alone. I was a junior in college, but was sitting out a semester and feeling/knowing I very much wanted to finish and get my degree, but feeling a bit in limbo at the time. I was supporting myself, was on my own. My roommate was gone. I needed to work and didn't want to lose my job for missing work...so ended up working over the holidays...My mom told me I could move home during this time in my life, but there was something in me that felt like I very much needed to "make it" on my own.
Sooooo.....I was alone, but not really. I remember thinking that it sort of unfair to spend Christmas without being with family or loved ones. Everyone ELSE seemed to be with family and when I went to the stores I just assumed everyone in those stores wasn't alone like me. I was still a kid really, almost 21.
So, how did I get through?
Just like I had been doing for many a year....ever since I was a kid. When going gets tough you get out the guitar and singing and playing. And that's how I got through. I don't know how it came about exactly, but the neighbors across the street (who were "special") wanted me to come over there and sing and play. It was just them and me and my guitar on Christmas Eve for about an hour or so. No food, no fanfare, no booze, no drugs, nuttin' fancy...it was : simple.
Words of wisdom from the guy was very simple indeed. He told about his job and how he had to stand up for himself and then he proclaimed fervently and "No one's gonna tell me what to DO!!!!!" He said it again, and again. He seemed to want to drive that point home. So, I took it home with me, my neighbor's advice. And, I continued to take it with me throughout my life and used it in some experiences.
There is this thing called, "Free Will". God gave us that and I'm very thankful for it. But, do I exercise this at the times I really need to? Or, do I "corral" myself into a feeling of "no options" and "stagnation"?
Now: I realize there are times to submit; times to follow instructions; time to be COMPLIANT. (God forbid that I should be non-compliant)
Being alone that Christmas was not easy, for sure...and I remember feeling lonely and sort of sad too......but after it was over; after it passed....I took something away from it that has helped me make it through OTHER tough times.
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