Centered3

It's not uncommon, Acheleus, for newly sober people to try to do too much at once. Be gentle with yourself. There's no need to apologize to us. Apologize to yourself for pushing yourself to hard and just take a step back now. You will move forward in time. Take things slowly. One step at a time. Recovery is not a race.

I've also learned in recovery how to look at mistakes I make as "lessons" to learn and just do differently next time. I don't beat myself up anymore and I try to learn each time I make a mistake. Sometimes it takes many times of repeating the same mistake, but this is an easier way to live instead of beating myself up.

I am truly sorry you had that experience. I would suggest you write out inventory on this resentment so you can "forgive" and let it go, to bring you peace and be free of it so you can move forward and not be stuck in it.

Remember fear is not real. It is just made up in the mind from a lack of faith. I'd suggest writing out your fear of never being loved and fear of not connecting to women again via fear inventory and fear prayer.

Once you let this resentment go (I almost typed "justified" but we know that's not what Step 4 is all about, lol....), you will not have any baggage from your crazy relationship. Please be kind to yourself and take the lesson from it. Don't let it sour you. Remember there are spiritually sick people out there still who haven't recovered from the spiritual malady. Pray the sick man's prayer from Step 4.

If your ex is still going to the same meeting you were, maybe you could take a break from that meeting and go to a new one. Remember no new relationships till you're done with the steps, and only with people who are also done with the steps and are spiritually well. Trust your gut, let it guide you.

You're stuck because you have to give yourself the freedom to let go of this resentment.

Congratulations on being one year sober!

You WILL feel normal again. Growth is a process. It's progress not perfection. I know you'll feel better once you get passed this resentment. If you want, PM me and I can guide you through how to do it with specific instructions if you don't have a step sponsor. Or I can share it here.

Please don't apologize for being negative. You weren't being negative. You were being HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Good for you! That's an amazing thing for us alcoholics to be able to do.

You can do this!

courage2

Acheleus

Number 1: Don't Drink!

I was very depressed at 1 year. I was at a point where I was ruled by negative emotions and twisted, obsessive perceptions. I should have seen a dr. When I did, it helped a lot, but I waited too long.

I've been reading your posts a long time, tho not usually commenting. You seem like a good guy. You're smart and talented. Be patient with your recovery. When you find any small ideas that give you solace from pain, collect them and create a safe place for yourself among them.

Acheleus

Well I exercised last night and I feel much better. I cleaned, bought an ac filter, and I took out a lot of old papers.

I think I am realizing a lot of things about my family that I never perceived when I was drinking all the time. My father took Demerol when I was growing up and I remember him giving me one when my parents were fighting and I was very upset. I was 18? 19? I don't think you should give Demerol to someone to calm them down because everyone is fighting and arguing.

Little things like that disturb me. I did try to do too much but I don't think I am infected with anything or incapable of taking care of myself.

Now that I am out of that relationship I can see that I feel better alone right now.

Also, since I have entered recovery I have only been single for two months (!!) that cannot be healthy. I'm very glad I have a year sober because quitting drinking is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

My ex would show up unannounced at night and I think now I can feel comfortable where I live. I am going to go to a meeting tonight and cook myself dinner.


Thank you all for helping. The added stress from work may have tipped me over into anxiety hell a little. I just feel like I haven't had a break and I need one.

I'm going to focus on exercising and nutrition now so I will feel better once I start taking better care of myself.

Sorry for being a drama king

Hawkeye13

You aren't a drama king, Ach, just a person working hard on healing.

teatreeoil007

You know what, Ach? BE a DRAMA KING all you want!! It's WAY better than going around all bottled up inside. Chances are...you are verbalizing many of the fears a lot of folks have or have had.

I remember a college professor of mine that was sharing with the class how he felt after divorce...and he was SERIOUSLY questioning whether or not he would ever be NORMAL again; including sexually normal! He said he was feeling so lost and uncertain about it, he sought help from a psychiatrist and he wasn't sexually attracted to women at that juncture and didn't want much to do with women in any kind of romantic or sexual way. He told his psychiatrist he was feeling so doubtful that he was afraid he must be gay. His psych assured him that what he was feeling was NORMAL! When you have just broken up with someone or gone through divorce and been burned it is NORMAL to feel turned off by women, although not all men go through that 'phase' and jump right into new relationships without there really being enough TIME to fully heal and become truly healthy again. This professor did marry again and was happy in his new marriage.

I guess my point is....don't EXPECT yourself to feel what you PERCEIVE as normal too soon. In YOUR case, not only are you recovering from a relationship, but also addiction. I encourage you to treat this time you have as valuable: just you, yourself, and your Higher Power.

Acheleus

I cleaned some and I organized my desk!!!

The thing that is awful is I had all kinds of times to escape. One time I drove away to my dad's and her mother called me while I was down there. I had never met her mother. I had known my "partner" for two months maybe.

So I just feel so stupid for letting myself get sucked into crazy land. I am stronger but I just can't help but feel so dumb. I'm working on forgiving myself and the other person.

teatreeoil007

Ach-If I could count up all the times I basically screwed up or just fallen way short of my OWN expectations for myself. What has not helped at times is feeling PRESSURED by others to 'measure up'....

But: I reached a point where I realized that trying to 'measure up' was robbing me of peace and JOY. *shrug*. I remember getting off work one very stressful taxing night and thinking, "Scr_w it, I did my best and if my best is not good enough, oh well." (there is only so much I can do). I realized, though, that I was WAY harder on myself than others were on me and that I needed to find a way to lighten up or all the JOY in life was going to forever evade me.

What is life without joy?! There are plenty of slave drivers on the planet, I don't need to b e one too. I'm not saying be a total slacker, but all work and no play is not how the Man designed it.

As to getting sucked in: Some people can be very persuasive, huh? Try not to beat yourself up about that. We've all been there likely. What happens too though is I sware to God there are some the seem to prey on your weaknesses or what were your weaknesses at that particular time. And, they may not even do that intentionally...You and that woman both had a weakness and a common bond....therefore were ripe for picking...which is why they say "No new relationships" for the first year. Easier said than done though. We all want love and belonging, especially when giving up the "comfort" of our drug of choice.

teatreeoil007

Good job on organizing your desk! It's a physical thing, but makes you feel better I'll bet.

Acheleus

I haven't slept at night for the past month. I quit smoking today. In april I quit for 50 days but started back when I ended the relationship. I have not smoked all day. I don't like it because it just leads to rumination and illness.

Yesterday at work I told a woman about my recovery. She started some youth and recovery program years ago so I felt a little uncomfortable about that. I will try to fall asleep tonight.

teatreeoil007

Release all your worries and tensions and let someone else do the frettin'

Breathe deep , slow , and easy... Let your mind go...: let go of the guilt and regret..... You are lovable....(repeat that ) ... You are loved and lovable!!

Ken33xx

Dealing with Difficult People in Alcoholics Anonymous
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcoholism/d...ics-anonymous/

Acheleus

Thank you for the great link.

I never did believe I could quit drinking and it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. Tonight I went walking, cooked, and gave myself the permission to relax. Even though I have been sober I think my unhealthy relationship brought a lot of chaos and insanity into my life.

I'm going to keep getting better

tomsteve

"I have only been single for two months (!!) that cannot be healthy."

explain,please. the way I read it is its not healthy to be single?

if that's the case im the happiest unhealthy man for the last 5 years!!

Acheleus

I meant that since I entered recovery I have not been single. When I entered AA I got into a relationship. It has been a long time since I have just been with myself.

Della1968

I had to learn to just sit with myself. I still find it easier to be alone. I think you are on the right track!

tomsteve

gotcha.

youll learn to just "be"

teatreeoil007

Lack of PEACE is sadly and very common human malady.

I think many of us have reached points in our lives when what we wanted and needed the MOST was PEACE.

But the only way any of us are going to find TRUE peace is if we are completely honest with ourselves first in realizing we simply *don't*have*peace*.

It is at that junction of admitting to ourselves we do not have peace (but very much wanting it) that we start to look for it and we become so desperate for PEACE that we become WILLING to do whatever it takes to get it...and then: Our lives become TRANSFORMED, friend.

I can pretty much be confident that you will feel more peace in your life minus a girlfriend right now. As much as you may be attracted to and enjoy women Ach, the fact of the matter remains that they can be a big royal PAIN. They can be charming, cunning, manipulative, crafty, catty, controlling, needy, histrionic, conniving, interfering, and the list goes on. Not saying we don't have our merit, not at all. Just saying that it's much better to be happy healthy single than to be miserably in a relationship.

Acheleus

I have been in relationships. One big relationship lasted five years and I tried to quit drinking on my own but could not. I remember that relationship being peaceful. Well, except for my drinking. But she was a very good person and I treated her poorly.

This most recent relationship has been hell. I tried to escape so many times and eventually gave up because I felt trapped.

The other night while walking/exercising a woman made me take off my headphones, touched me, and asked me some stupid question about where a building was in town. I pointed right next to us and said "it is right there" and put my headphones back on. She gave me a look like she wanted me to do something or say something. Also, a woman waved at me while I was walking with my headphones on. And some other woman stopped me who is from school but I don't know her.

So I want to avoid women....oh and some older lady keeps asking me out to lunch but I politely declined and now I have to just be professional and polite with her.

I do just want to be alone and I think I will be better once I get my exercise/nutrition/self-care routine back to where it was before I met my ex. Dating my ex was so bad, and I knew from the beginning it was a horrible idea, because I had quit smoking for seven months and she smoked. It tasted awful. I didn't want to date a woman who smoked even when I smoked.

Day 3 of no smoking!!

Acheleus

Oh and I cooked for myself last night and I have a recipe for a vegetarian indian stew I want to make this week. I used to love cooking but my ex always berated me about how I couldn't cook.

I think she just didn't like the fact that I was a better cook.