Fitting In
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
Fitting In
Well, I made it over the three week mark. I'm 22 days sober. I can't wait to say one month.
I'm having some trouble with positive thinking lately and generally finding ways to keep busy and positive alternatives, I guess. Techniques, maybe. Reading around on the forum is great, but I'm really feeling negatively about posting lately. I'm kind of forcing myself through this one to hopefully get some relief on that. I really feel like I'm not fitting in around here. I know that probably sounds stupid, but maybe I just don't. I have a lot of trouble with social aspects in my life. I'm really just not a people person.
I abandoned my last post after feeling a little judged and very frustrated by the responses. I don't want to come off as argumentative or cause any issues with anyone here, so I chose not to respond. I'm feeling a little lost, I guess. I feel like I'm lacking support, especially considering my only real life support is my fiance (and even that is through messaging and Skype only). So, when we get into an argument or something, even though it's very rare and is usually quickly resolved, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Our arguments are a huge trigger for me. The pain I feel when he isn't happy with me, or is disappointed in me, or when I cause him any pain just kills me inside, and all I want is a drink.
This post is probably just silly, I don't know. I've been feeling pretty down and very lethargic, and I just want to make sure I'm keeping vigilant even in those times, when I can't bring myself to get up and go for a walk or accomplish something.
I'm having some trouble with positive thinking lately and generally finding ways to keep busy and positive alternatives, I guess. Techniques, maybe. Reading around on the forum is great, but I'm really feeling negatively about posting lately. I'm kind of forcing myself through this one to hopefully get some relief on that. I really feel like I'm not fitting in around here. I know that probably sounds stupid, but maybe I just don't. I have a lot of trouble with social aspects in my life. I'm really just not a people person.
I abandoned my last post after feeling a little judged and very frustrated by the responses. I don't want to come off as argumentative or cause any issues with anyone here, so I chose not to respond. I'm feeling a little lost, I guess. I feel like I'm lacking support, especially considering my only real life support is my fiance (and even that is through messaging and Skype only). So, when we get into an argument or something, even though it's very rare and is usually quickly resolved, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Our arguments are a huge trigger for me. The pain I feel when he isn't happy with me, or is disappointed in me, or when I cause him any pain just kills me inside, and all I want is a drink.
This post is probably just silly, I don't know. I've been feeling pretty down and very lethargic, and I just want to make sure I'm keeping vigilant even in those times, when I can't bring myself to get up and go for a walk or accomplish something.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Your post is not silly. Your feelings are valid. Keep posting... you came here for a reason. You are not being judged. .. you are being given some straight truths which is hard to hear in early sobriety. Our emotions are running amuck. We take things personally very easily.
We all speak from our experiences here. I have always stopped to question if a response is making me upset, why?
I had a rough start in Sr because I was not ready to get sober and against aa. I had no plan no program. I felt chastised and deleted my account.
I came back with my tail between my legs ready to get sober. Glad I did.
Every support system and recovery method is totally up to you how well you work it.
My guess is that maybe you are not quite prepared to take the full on leap to sobriety. Have you tried any programs like aa or AVRT?
I guess the way I look at job situation is that how important is it to you to remain sober? Not being truthful about telling your friends "nah no thanks" and if you feel the need to explain keep it simple. I don't drink anymore or not drinking for a while. Who gives a flip? Tell your customers your boss changed the rules. There's different ways to shut them up nicely.
I kind of am getting the feeling you're on the relapse rungs... please be careful and take care of yourself. Don't isolate! ! Reach out often. It will do you good.
I bartended too. Best job to get drunk on out. Party and work. Be careful.. I think I a good plan and some kin of recovery work will makes things a lot easier in the long. And we are all here for you!
We all speak from our experiences here. I have always stopped to question if a response is making me upset, why?
I had a rough start in Sr because I was not ready to get sober and against aa. I had no plan no program. I felt chastised and deleted my account.
I came back with my tail between my legs ready to get sober. Glad I did.
Every support system and recovery method is totally up to you how well you work it.
My guess is that maybe you are not quite prepared to take the full on leap to sobriety. Have you tried any programs like aa or AVRT?
I guess the way I look at job situation is that how important is it to you to remain sober? Not being truthful about telling your friends "nah no thanks" and if you feel the need to explain keep it simple. I don't drink anymore or not drinking for a while. Who gives a flip? Tell your customers your boss changed the rules. There's different ways to shut them up nicely.
I kind of am getting the feeling you're on the relapse rungs... please be careful and take care of yourself. Don't isolate! ! Reach out often. It will do you good.
I bartended too. Best job to get drunk on out. Party and work. Be careful.. I think I a good plan and some kin of recovery work will makes things a lot easier in the long. And we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi SDI
Congrats on 22 days!
I think what you're feeling is normal. The first forum I was on, about 4 years ago, was great. But not at first. And it wasn't monitored closely so talk about tough love. I took things very personally and often felt attacked. Fortunately I persevered and learned an incredible amount there. I learned not to take things personally. I learned not to over react. And I learned that the internet is a great place to practice my communications skills. I learned to sensitively and diplomatically 'defend' myself when necessary...and I learned to let things go. That forum is closed now but there is no doubt I learned more there (because of the tough love) then I have ever learned anywhere else in recovery. I learned that my reactions were mine and had less to do with what was being said, and more to do with how I was interpreting things. I was soooo worried about what others thought of me. I'm far less concerned with that now.
When a post bothers you or makes you defensive, try to ask yourself why. What is really being said.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
Congrats on 22 days!
I think what you're feeling is normal. The first forum I was on, about 4 years ago, was great. But not at first. And it wasn't monitored closely so talk about tough love. I took things very personally and often felt attacked. Fortunately I persevered and learned an incredible amount there. I learned not to take things personally. I learned not to over react. And I learned that the internet is a great place to practice my communications skills. I learned to sensitively and diplomatically 'defend' myself when necessary...and I learned to let things go. That forum is closed now but there is no doubt I learned more there (because of the tough love) then I have ever learned anywhere else in recovery. I learned that my reactions were mine and had less to do with what was being said, and more to do with how I was interpreting things. I was soooo worried about what others thought of me. I'm far less concerned with that now.
When a post bothers you or makes you defensive, try to ask yourself why. What is really being said.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Delizadee 
Your post is not silly. Your feelings are valid. Keep posting... you came here for a reason. You are not being judged. .. you are being given some straight truths which is hard to hear in early sobriety. Our emotions are running amuck. We take things personally very easily.
We all speak from our experiences here. I have always stopped to question if a response is making me upset, why?
I had a rough start in Sr because I was not ready to get sober and against aa. I had no plan no program. I felt chastised and deleted my account.
I came back with my tail between my legs ready to get sober. Glad I did.
Every support system and recovery method is totally up to you how well you work it.
My guess is that maybe you are not quite prepared to take the full on leap to sobriety. Have you tried any programs like aa or AVRT?
I guess the way I look at job situation is that how important is it to you to remain sober? Not being truthful about telling your friends "nah no thanks" and if you feel the need to explain keep it simple. I don't drink anymore or not drinking for a while. Who gives a flip? Tell your customers your boss changed the rules. There's different ways to shut them up nicely.
I kind of am getting the feeling you're on the relapse rungs... please be careful and take care of yourself. Don't isolate! ! Reach out often. It will do you good.
I bartended too. Best job to get drunk on out. Party and work. Be careful.. I think I a good plan and some kin of recovery work will makes things a lot easier in the long. And we are all here for you!
We all speak from our experiences here. I have always stopped to question if a response is making me upset, why?
I had a rough start in Sr because I was not ready to get sober and against aa. I had no plan no program. I felt chastised and deleted my account.
I came back with my tail between my legs ready to get sober. Glad I did.
Every support system and recovery method is totally up to you how well you work it.
My guess is that maybe you are not quite prepared to take the full on leap to sobriety. Have you tried any programs like aa or AVRT?
I guess the way I look at job situation is that how important is it to you to remain sober? Not being truthful about telling your friends "nah no thanks" and if you feel the need to explain keep it simple. I don't drink anymore or not drinking for a while. Who gives a flip? Tell your customers your boss changed the rules. There's different ways to shut them up nicely.
I kind of am getting the feeling you're on the relapse rungs... please be careful and take care of yourself. Don't isolate! ! Reach out often. It will do you good.
I bartended too. Best job to get drunk on out. Party and work. Be careful.. I think I a good plan and some kin of recovery work will makes things a lot easier in the long. And we are all here for you!
Thank you. I really appreciate your support.
I'm a little apprehensive about explaining myself because I got told it's all "excuses" and "justifications." I'm not trying to justify taking a drink or anything like that. But yes, I'm justifying my actions. Just as anyone could justify why they put pants on before leaving the house. The fake shots aren't something I do all the time. I turn down the majority of drinks, but I use it for the really persistent people, the ones that don't take no for an answer. It's hard to deal with someone who is basically my AV in human form sitting in front of me. I know it's not a great solution, but it's a temporary one. I'm done bartending as of August 4th.
I've told a lot of the people at work that I've stopped drinking for health reasons, and most of them are very supportive about it. I'm definitely ready for sobriety. So ready, and I know I can do this.
I'm still working on a definite plan. I'm going to England to see my fiance in August for a month and a half. Once I get back, I'm going to find a job that doesn't involve the crazy hours or the booze. I guess that's all I've got for a plan at the moment, besides the obvious part where I'm not going to drink.
Thanks again for the support! I really appreciate your response.
Hope you're having a good day!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I say just keep it simple. I used to wake up in early sobriety and felt pretty useless. I couldnt accomplish one thing. I was not happy about anything I was miserable. So each day i'd try and find somethign to be thankful for and yeah someitmes it was like well the son came up thats something. Or well I didnt drink today thats something. Lots of times thats about all i could find.
and with accomplishments i'd find anything. Ok well i got out of bed today I logged onto work thats about all i got today. It might not be that great but its the best i got today and I'd be happy with that.
I had to learn to do what i can and be gentle with myself. I had to realize that my best might not be good enough many times but it was my best it was all that i had.
Even now at 5 years sober I can honestly say i could do better with many things in my life but I"m doing the best that i can with the deck of cards I got dealt and thats just the way that it is for me.
and with accomplishments i'd find anything. Ok well i got out of bed today I logged onto work thats about all i got today. It might not be that great but its the best i got today and I'd be happy with that.
I had to learn to do what i can and be gentle with myself. I had to realize that my best might not be good enough many times but it was my best it was all that i had.
Even now at 5 years sober I can honestly say i could do better with many things in my life but I"m doing the best that i can with the deck of cards I got dealt and thats just the way that it is for me.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug. Please understand that most of the the time when posters sound harsh, it's really your AV they're after. That voice has a zillion ways to talk us into drinking and it's such a slippery slope after that "just one." When we see it starting to make progress with one of us we can get a little protective.
I can't imagine having to tend bar while sober, although back a million years ago when I did tend bar I never drank until after my shift..then I'd make up for it. Right now on day 174 or so I can't stand the smell, it's the smell of something dead to me. Finding another line of work sounds like a really good idea.
You can do this!
I can't imagine having to tend bar while sober, although back a million years ago when I did tend bar I never drank until after my shift..then I'd make up for it. Right now on day 174 or so I can't stand the smell, it's the smell of something dead to me. Finding another line of work sounds like a really good idea.
You can do this!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Hi SDI
...talk about tough love. I took things very personally and often felt attacked. Fortunately I persevered and learned an incredible amount there. I learned not to take things personally. I learned not to over react. And I learned that the internet is a great place to practice my communications skills. I learned to sensitively and diplomatically 'defend' myself when necessary...and I learned to let things go.
When a post bothers you or makes you defensive, try to ask yourself why. What is really being said.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
...talk about tough love. I took things very personally and often felt attacked. Fortunately I persevered and learned an incredible amount there. I learned not to take things personally. I learned not to over react. And I learned that the internet is a great place to practice my communications skills. I learned to sensitively and diplomatically 'defend' myself when necessary...and I learned to let things go.
When a post bothers you or makes you defensive, try to ask yourself why. What is really being said.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
I copied the above excerpt bc I am working through this with my sponsor. She is VERY direct and sometimes it stings. She definitely challenges me- and I am having to learn to see why it makes me uncomfortable and how to think about it and respond. I definitely empathize with what you are feeling.
As someone asked- and I forget if you posted about this before- are you in AA or another program? I apologize if I don't remember- maybe you said you are in a small arena where this isn't an easy option. It is worth it, though.
I think the above advice about the work situation, boss, "norm" about drinking is very good.
Wanting to run from things people say- who are trying to help us stay sober and keep recovering- is totally common, early and I imagine much farther into recovery.
Thoughts and prayers for you- hope you do keep coming around here. You are definitely not alone!!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by sdi9285
Well, I made it over the three week mark. I'm 22 days sober. I can't wait to say one month.
I'm having some trouble with positive thinking lately and generally finding ways to keep busy and positive alternatives, I guess. Techniques, maybe. Reading around on the forum is great, but I'm really feeling negatively about posting lately. I'm kind of forcing myself through this one to hopefully get some relief on that.
I really feel like I'm not fitting in around here. I know that probably sounds stupid, but maybe I just don't. I have a lot of trouble with social aspects in my life. I'm really just not a people person.
I abandoned my last post after feeling a little judged and very frustrated by the responses. I don't want to come off as argumentative or cause any issues with anyone here, so I chose not to respond.
I'm feeling a little lost, I guess. I feel like I'm lacking support,
especially considering my only real life support is my fiance (and even that is through messaging and Skype only). So, when we get into an argument or something, even though it's very rare and is usually quickly resolved, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Our arguments are a huge trigger for me. The pain I feel when he isn't happy with me, or is disappointed in me, or when I cause him any pain just kills me inside, and all I want is a drink.
Your fiancee isn't unhappy with YOU or disappointed in YOU, he's unhappy or disappointed in the BEHAVIOR. He's still going to love you. That's just fear of not being loved, fear of being rejected, etc. rearing it's ugly head. Instead of thinking "all I want is a drink", think about it pragmatically, what is the lesson to learn from your behavior and how can you do better next time. Change your behavior. Drinking isn't going to make you feel any better. It is an illusion.
This post is probably just silly, I don't know. I've been feeling pretty down and very lethargic, and I just want to make sure I'm keeping vigilant even in those times, when I can't bring myself to get up and go for a walk or accomplish something.
That's just a lie you're telling yourself. Be patient and gentle with yourself, you're still so early on in your recovery.Do you have a recovery plan now that you're not drinking? For me, AA helped a lot.
Good luck and easy does it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi sdi
I started this thread recently - there maybe something in it that might help you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
here's another recent thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ought-day.html
One thing that works for me is trying to replace a negative thought with a positive one - like if you were, say, feeling judged, try and pick out a post, or posts, that were clearly supportive and focus on that?
I haven't been here for a while - I looked back and I read about your accident with your boss and the schnapps - are you over that now or is it preying on your mind?
D
I started this thread recently - there maybe something in it that might help you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
here's another recent thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ought-day.html
One thing that works for me is trying to replace a negative thought with a positive one - like if you were, say, feeling judged, try and pick out a post, or posts, that were clearly supportive and focus on that?
I haven't been here for a while - I looked back and I read about your accident with your boss and the schnapps - are you over that now or is it preying on your mind?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi sdi
I started this thread recently - there maybe something in it that might help you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
here's another recent thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ought-day.html
One thing that works for me is trying to replace a negative thought with a positive one - like if you were, say, feeling judged, try and pick out a post, or posts, that were clearly supportive and focus on that?
I haven't been here for a while - I looked back and I read about your accident with your boss and the schnapps - are you over that now or is it preying on your mind?
D
I started this thread recently - there maybe something in it that might help you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
here's another recent thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ought-day.html
One thing that works for me is trying to replace a negative thought with a positive one - like if you were, say, feeling judged, try and pick out a post, or posts, that were clearly supportive and focus on that?
I haven't been here for a while - I looked back and I read about your accident with your boss and the schnapps - are you over that now or is it preying on your mind?
D
Thank you.
I have actually decided that positive thinking is my primary focus right now. My therapist's evaluation of me made it very clearly I'm an extremely fatalistic, negative person, so I'm trying really hard to change that. I believe I'm over it now. My fiance, whose opinion I value more than anyone's in the world, agrees with several people on here that say it didn't ruin my sobriety. I used to love saying, "I've gone (insert number) days without a drop of alcohol," but I've added "intentional" in front of "drop." I think that one word, intentional, is the most important part. I mean, it sounds to stupid to say I accidentally took a drink, haha, but it happened.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 65
Thanks everyone for the support. Your replies have definitely helped me feel more comfortable.
A special thank you to Centered for taking the time to address just about every part of my post.
I do find that I can be a very defensive person due to my social anxiety. I have a lot of walls up, and it's been a battle for me to be so open on this forum, so naturally, I'm not taking any negativity towards what I have to say very well. I also think on here so many people have so much experience to share, and it sometimes comes off as condescending, intentional or not. Condescension is NOT something I deal with well, so I apologize now to anyone who doesn't mean to be if I take it poorly.
A special thank you to Centered for taking the time to address just about every part of my post.
I do find that I can be a very defensive person due to my social anxiety. I have a lot of walls up, and it's been a battle for me to be so open on this forum, so naturally, I'm not taking any negativity towards what I have to say very well. I also think on here so many people have so much experience to share, and it sometimes comes off as condescending, intentional or not. Condescension is NOT something I deal with well, so I apologize now to anyone who doesn't mean to be if I take it poorly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by sdi9285
Well, I made it over the three week mark. I'm 22 days sober. I can't wait to say one month.
I'm having some trouble with positive thinking lately and generally finding ways to keep busy and positive alternatives, I guess. Techniques, maybe. Reading around on the forum is great, but I'm really feeling negatively about posting lately. I'm kind of forcing myself through this one to hopefully get some relief on that. I really feel like I'm not fitting in around here. I know that probably sounds stupid, but maybe I just don't. I have a lot of trouble with social aspects in my life. I'm really just not a people person.
I abandoned my last post after feeling a little judged and very frustrated by the responses. I don't want to come off as argumentative or cause any issues with anyone here, so I chose not to respond. I'm feeling a little lost, I guess. I feel like I'm lacking support, especially considering my only real life support is my fiance (and even that is through messaging and Skype only). So, when we get into an argument or something, even though it's very rare and is usually quickly resolved, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Our arguments are a huge trigger for me. The pain I feel when he isn't happy with me, or is disappointed in me, or when I cause him any pain just kills me inside, and all I want is a drink.
This post is probably just silly, I don't know. I've been feeling pretty down and very lethargic, and I just want to make sure I'm keeping vigilant even in those times, when I can't bring myself to get up and go for a walk or accomplish something.
I'm having some trouble with positive thinking lately and generally finding ways to keep busy and positive alternatives, I guess. Techniques, maybe. Reading around on the forum is great, but I'm really feeling negatively about posting lately. I'm kind of forcing myself through this one to hopefully get some relief on that. I really feel like I'm not fitting in around here. I know that probably sounds stupid, but maybe I just don't. I have a lot of trouble with social aspects in my life. I'm really just not a people person.
I abandoned my last post after feeling a little judged and very frustrated by the responses. I don't want to come off as argumentative or cause any issues with anyone here, so I chose not to respond. I'm feeling a little lost, I guess. I feel like I'm lacking support, especially considering my only real life support is my fiance (and even that is through messaging and Skype only). So, when we get into an argument or something, even though it's very rare and is usually quickly resolved, I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Our arguments are a huge trigger for me. The pain I feel when he isn't happy with me, or is disappointed in me, or when I cause him any pain just kills me inside, and all I want is a drink.
This post is probably just silly, I don't know. I've been feeling pretty down and very lethargic, and I just want to make sure I'm keeping vigilant even in those times, when I can't bring myself to get up and go for a walk or accomplish something.
On another note, whenever I am feeling super negative, I usually start listing all the things I am grateful for. I just keep going until I cant think of anything else. By the time I am done with that, my perspective usually shifts. When I realize certain things... like I have a roof over my head, and a job, and food in the fridge, and the sun is shining, etc... it gets harder to be upset or negative.
Hope you have a very positive sober day 😀
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