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I want to run

Old 06-18-2016, 06:53 AM
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I want to run

I want to run away and escape. This has been my pattern all my life. I am almost two years sober in AA. Life's problems and situations are overwhelming me. Fear, worry, anxiety, guilt, shame, remorse, my head feels like it could explode. I want all this pain to just go away, to just stop thinking.

I'm here on SR to add another part to my plan to stay sober. I don't want to give up and give in.
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Old 06-18-2016, 06:57 AM
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I am newly sober, and fighting to stay that way! 12 days sober. You can do it! I have learned to take deep breaths and say to myself, just let it go! Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't but I have to keep trying or I am going to drink myself to death.
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:03 AM
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So...what if you really actually run? Put on a pair of sneakers, get out there and wear yourself out. Even a really long walk.

Running has been my go-to when I get that antsy, frantic feeling and even though I can't run any real distances anymore, it does soothe my brain.
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Truckinon View Post

I'm here on SR to add another part to my plan to stay sober. I don't want to give up and give in.
Welcome and I think that you may find what you need and are looking for here.

Hang tight -- anything is better than drinking.
If alcoholic?

M-Bob
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:20 AM
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I have so much fear. I try to stay in the day, stay in the moment. I am working the 12 steps with a sponsor. AA meetings every day.
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:31 AM
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What step are you on?
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Truckinon View Post

I have so much fear.

AA meetings every day.
AA meetings have helped me much.

You might also want to give a local church a try? I have known many in AA over the years that started attending church and receive much benefit.

Just a thought.
Couple hours a week on Sunday.

Mountainman
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Old 06-18-2016, 07:55 AM
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fear=
F**k Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
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Old 06-18-2016, 08:04 AM
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Marchia in Aeternum
 
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I like tomsteve's acronyms

You aren't in danger. You're just fearful.
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Old 06-18-2016, 08:19 AM
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Very sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Sounds like you are working hard on your sobriety plan. Coming here on SR is a great addition to what you are already doing. Mountain Man Bob's suggestion of including church might also help you. Therapy would be another option. Do you exercise? That really helps me with my anxiety.
Do you know what's causing your fears and anxiety? Sounds like you in a fight or flight mode. I also thought of the saying, wherever you go, there you are. My guess is that a change in geography won't help you much. You've clearly worked very hard to get and stay sober. Maybe it's time to look outside the box when it comes to your anxiety. Good luck. John
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Old 06-18-2016, 08:56 AM
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Thank you everybody. I'm on step 4, writing my turnarounds. Working with a sponsor in Big Book step study. Have gone to church off and on over the last two years. Go for daily walks. I do my best to reach out to newcomers.

I suffer from bouts of depression, and I will admit bouts of self pity also.
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Old 06-18-2016, 09:07 AM
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I could see peace instead of this
 
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Step Four can be a tough one as it brings up a lot of difficult stuff. I think if you keep moving forward through the rest of the steps, you might start to feel better.

As for self-pity, I used to think "Why me?" all the time. Until the day someone said "Why not?" That was like a slap in the head for me, and I can never think "Why me?" anymore without hearing that response. "Why not me" is kind of humbling; it reminds me that I'm not any more special than anyone else in this world.

I also suffered from depression off and on; learning to pay attention to my thoughts helps with that although it took me a long time to find that out. I also find that physical activity and taking care of myself makes a difference.
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Old 06-18-2016, 09:36 AM
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Step 4 and 5 were a mental turning point for me, and when I started getting some real relief. There was so much to process though. I found the speaker tapes really helpful for getting my head round all the things I needed to understand. Esp Sandy Beach, Earl Hightower, and Clancy. You can search by speaker or by step on this site.. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
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Old 06-18-2016, 10:40 AM
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Thank you Madbird. Why not me? I like that.
Berrybean- I am listening to speakers on that site right now. It's amazing.

I have to work my program EVERY day. I'm glad I came to SR today and decided to participate. I will get to a meeting tonight and stay sober TODAY.
Thank you all for your fellowship.
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Old 06-18-2016, 01:51 PM
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Have you thought about volunteering
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Old 06-18-2016, 02:10 PM
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You can conquer this, if you refuse to give up on yourself and continue to just stay in the moment you can make it through ANYTHING.

You said you suffer from bouts of depression, have you thought about going to counseling or seeing a psychiatrist? I used to think my depression and anxiety was just normal, turns out it was more than that and getting on the proper medication plus counseling has really changed the game for me.

Keep reaching out!
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Old 06-18-2016, 02:19 PM
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Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity
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Old 06-19-2016, 06:46 AM
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Thank you for all the great suggestions. Last night at the meeting my therapist who has 30 plus years sobriety and is an addiction counselor came in late and sat next to me. I hadn't been seeing him in some months but I spoke to him after the meeting and plan to see him this week, probably Friday.

The thing is I just go over the same things like a broken record. I have worked hard staying sober but I don't take enough action in situations I needed to take care of. It's all my own fault. Procrastination and indecision, fear, depression, have really put my family in a terrible position. I just really hate myself right now.
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Old 06-19-2016, 07:19 AM
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I don't want to seem like a cry baby but posting here offers some relief and every little bit helps, right? I really don't want to go back to drinking. I don't know if I will make it back.

I have not had a drink in 10 years which is an absolute miracle. Two years ago I suffered what I would call a nervous breakdown. I was sober 8 years at the time without any kind of program. I was put on anti depressants and klonopin which I knew nothing about its addictive tendencies, especially for an alcoholic. I took more klonopin than I should have but got off them after a couple months. This was enough time to go through brutal withdrawals when I stopped cold turkey. I also stopped taking the anti depressants.

I was a shattered human being when I made it back into the halls of AA. I was in AA as a young man and had stayed sober a few years but went back out for over 20 years before quitting on my own. I have almost two years of sober recovery in the program now.

Thank you for letting me share. I'm really at the end of my rope and am struggling badly but I am fighting back as hard as possible not to give up.
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Old 06-19-2016, 08:15 AM
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Please get finished with 4 and move forward through at least 7 for now.....that was my turning point!!!!
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