Camery03

Jimmy-
I have read all the posts here, and the only advice I can offer you right now, is that the strength has to come from within. We can all tell you till we are blue in the face to get help, seek medical attention etc., but ultimately to get the help you need is on you. You have to want to be sober bad enough to get there. Fight for it, it is there and you know it!
We are all here and as many have sad before, we have all been where you are, trust me.
Best of luck to you. Stay close to SR. Read and post often!

Berrybean

I think where we get the strength from is realising that, no matter what our problems are or were, alcohol, that stuff we'd slapped the label 'Solution ' on, was no longer cutting it. It ISN'T a solution to how we feel. It just causes us different problems. The 'recovery ' stuff you read people (me included ) harping on about on here - that is what helps us, as addicts, learn to deal with life on life's terms. How we dropped resentments that were burdening us (I know that I found a couple of things very very hard to let go of, inside I just screamed, "why should I let it go? He doesn't deserve forgiveness". Thing is, I was taught that holding onto resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. It doesn't work like that. As I tried it myself and started to trust the program more, then I started feeling able to make decisions to 'drop' the other things. With abuse issues I found that some of the codependency literature really helped with this, especially the books about codependency and rescuing the inner child. (Sorry if some of this sounds like psycho-babble to you, but I can only relay it how I found it and just hope it might be helpful at some point). You see, one of the things that is common with adults who were abused as children, is that we feel that by dropping the resentment and anger we would be abandoning that child we once were. And boy, did I hold onto my anger. I wore ut like and invisible cloak, and I thought that cloak would protect me from being hurt again. And i would sieze any opportunity to top up my anger, and any negative emotions, be it jealousy, fear, irritation, disappointment, self-pity or whatever would get flipped straight into anger. And I didn't even know I was doing it. And if I got scared or uncomfortable then I could easily drum up some self-pity by dwelling on the past and all its unjustises for a while. Yep - self-pity was excellent for keeping me just where I was.

Now I know that my cloak of simmering rage actually didn't protect me. It left me suffocating and agonising in my own feelings. The people who caused it either unaware or bewildered by the intensity of my feelings (Well, the ones who did one little thing and I reacted like a mad woman I suppose would be). And my attitude pushed away the good, kind people who are in the world, and so I stuck with 'people like me' which was never going to end well to be honest.

Anyway. Things have been so much better for me since I did my 12-step work. I go regularly to AA, and have been to CoDa a bit as well (their meetings are harder to get to - although their handbook was really, really useful reading for me).

Sorry. I wrote more than I'd intended to, but it just kind of came to the surface reading your post. Perhaps something I said might be helpful. Maybe not. I can only try.

Ambuler

How ya doing Jimmy?

jimmyc

Not good mate. I don't know what to do any more. I'm not strong enough to beat this, alcoholism or my mentality. Feel like a lost cause. Feel out of place on this planet. It really feels like I'm just a hinderence to everyone else and they and I would be better off without me.

JK130

We're on your side, Jimmy! Keep reading and keep talking. What's your plan for the day? I've got a bunch of chores I'm trying to ignore. Are you sleeping ok?

Ambuler

Jimmy I'm right there with you. It's so hard to take that bloody first step. But we both know we HAVE to. But how? When?

I've made an appointment to see my therapist this evening. Hopefully he can help me see a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel. I will tell you one thing. Unless you WANT to see a way out, you'll never be able to begin to find it. I go between wanting to change and wallowing in my crap all the time, so I totally understand where you are at the moment.

I lived in the UK for just under 5 years and I remember that there was a number you could call for free medical advice/referrals. Could you maybe see about setting up an appointment with a counselor so that if/when you decide to take that step you have the beginning of a safety net? For me personally I will probably never try and stop if I don't have at least that.

It's hard. Realize that even if on the surface you don't seem to want to help yourself, something deep down is desperately wanting help. You wouldn't be posting here otherwise.

Keep us updated please. ((Hugs))

Soberwolf

Jimmy you can do this but don't keep telling yourself you can't i can anyone can look around ppl here rooting for you know you can do this but you got to want it no more drinking bud we'l be with you all the way ok your not alone

ardy

kiddo from one side of this messed up Earth to the Other Woot Woot you can You Will and You have do this to show Karma that You are Better then all of the others.. Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and Keep Punching.. or I will come over to your Island and kick your Butt.. a Mom.. with so much Love and Prayers a Lady Clown... just ardy Wisconsin..

jimmyc

Guess the worst that can happen is a seizure or some weird ****.

Berrybean

If you start feeling bad get to A&E Jimmy.

jimmyc

Another couple days' being ****** about by agencies offering work then never calling back. Another day sick to my ******* teeth about this planet i live on. Another day drinking just to keep myself from doing anything stupid. Life without alcohol? Yeah doesn't sound like it's my place. Utterly lost and mindless.

JK130

Check in any time you want to talk, jimmyc. Wishing you well!

thomas11

Jimmy, let us know how you're doing bud. I know things are tough now, but they are temporary. It will take time, but things will come together for you.

bigsombrero

Rooting for you, Jimmy. Stay positive - at this point, maybe searching for jobs will just ultimately lead to more rejection and continue to knock you down a peg? Instead, perhaps it's time to focus on something you can control: total sobriety. I was out of work for 1 year while I worked on my sobriety, and yeah I was "on the dole" and doing odd jobs to keep things together financially. But coming out sober on the other end will make you a valuable and worthy friend and employee. Why not take this time to undertake actions which you can succeed at? Step 1: do not drink today. That's all you gotta do man. You do that, you win. Why not take a win today?

Soberpotamus

Don't give up, Jimmy.

You need to be sober in order to get something sustainable going. Come on back and use the support here to get yourself sober.

tomsteve

theres been a higher power at work in your life for some time, but it isn't one that's been helping you.
alcohol.
theres a higher power at your place of employment.
one that says ya gotta pay taxes
one that says ya gotta make a house/rent payment.

so, yes, theres higher powers out there. and if ya open your mind up a bit you could find one of your own understanding that will help you with all your problems with alcohol