sleepie

I don't know what to attribute this to but with almost 6 months free of booze and benzos I feel awful. Just awful. Tired, sad, unmotivated weight up and down- when I was tapering off benzos I lost 20 pounds fast and was worried as I had not changed my eating habits. Now I gained 15 back and eat less. Thyroid was checked, went to DR etc.

I look older, haggard and not myself. I was really looking awful the last month of the taper way back in October. People noticed my cheekbones popping out not in a good way. I look sunken.

I drink water. I ate vegetables every day this week for breakfast and ate much less and not one single pound is gone. Even though before, I was losing weight so fast I was worried and I didn't even do anything different?


Aside from that I can count on one hand how many times I have drank or taken a benzo since last July and that is kind of a major change, not a perfect record but come on I should be feeling better or looking better after all that?

I am distressed all day every day. I am worried for my health because I do not feel good or look good. Not one single thing has anyone said to me since I quit, nobody says I look good or different or anything, I still look and feel like s*** and it is NOT inspiring me to feel good about sobriety. I honestly hate it. Every day I just wish so badly that I can take a valium and just feel NORMAL again for once.

UGH does recovery really take this long to look/feel better???


Half the posts on here are people who think they look ten years younger after quitting for a week, go run a marathon etc.... I could scream....

And I have more grey hair than anyone I know including people 10 years older than me, granted they have not had the same difficult life. I really attribute it to that, they have had really nice easy lives with "normal person" stress not the upheavals and hellish background I come from. It makes for a stressful life.

zjw

start taking a photo of your self every week or so so you can compare months and months from now. I did that.

I didnt really start to feel bette rmyself till i was a few months into excercising I'd say 10 months or so. (i started excercising around 6) i was really in a daze for a while when i started excercising i was dealing with a lot of derealization stuff depersonalization stuff at the tiem and was out of my mind i swear many days while i walked.

I basicly lived in my own little bubble.

I didnt really look any better at 6 months either not at all. and honestly sure i didnt have hangovers but i didnt feel that much better either. I mean i did enough that iw as not about to drink but i certainly wasnt in a great happy wonderfully ike at all like ever lol I was miserable!

yeah I didnt quit and things became a walk in the park far from. Give it some more time. I know you mentioned you cant imagine excercising in this heat. And i guess if youc ant you cant but when you can at least go for a daily walk or something that might help?

ScottFromWI

A lot of the physical distress you feel could very much be anxiety related too, don't rule that out. I know you have seen several doctors, have you spoken with a therapist in recent months?

Soberwolf

Sleepie I really think seeing & talking to someone will help I didn't want to run a marathon and I didn't look 10 years younger in my first year & I am coming up on 3 years but still no I'm not looking younger (I've always looked older) I'm 34 so to a 70/80 year old I'm a pup so I'm good with that

I'm been mulling over having counseling I did cbt & that helped me but some days are still hard life will never be perfect & things change ... curveballs good fortune bad luck and the like

I think balance in vital in recovery I'm not saying your unbalanced but sometimes it feels like that for me

Il say this your a fighter Sleepie you have refused to stay down and I know there is so much good in you & more to be unlocked

I'm on this journey with you and I love you as a friend & love having you as a friend

I didn't start feeling good straight away & I'm not perfect or Mr super sober I get by learning & making errors along the way but like you I keep fighting

I think therapy like counseling would be good for us both I think I'm going to mention it to my dr next visit

Hang in there Sleepie x

entropy1964

Hi sleepie

I think in the heat thread you started you mentioned that you think you should exercise more. I would say that's a great idea right there! I am literally not the same person without exercise. The benefits, as you probably already know are:
The release of feel good hormones
Healthy for the ole ticker
Great for muscle tone
Great for pain management
Great for easing anxiety and depression
Great for aiding in sleep
Helps with weight management (although for me it's mostly about what I eat)
I find my skin tone/elasticity improves with hot yoga...just opinion there
It's fun

So yeah. If you are inactive now, start small. Ya don't have to run a marathon....just walk for 15 minutes and increase incrementally. Stretching IS exercise...never underestimate it.

As far as grey hair. I've been grey since I was 27....not white but kind of a witchy mish mash. Two words: hair dye. I pay someone to do it because I'd certainly screw it up if I tried it myself. My mom has this gorgeous silver hair.....but mine is awful. But hey, now I'm a blonde. All I have to do is look at my brother and see exactly what my hair would be like. On a guy, with it really short, kinda dignified. On me? Just get me a broom and a pointy black hat. I hope it goes really grey like my Moms so I can frost it and have it long when I'm older. But at 50...almost 51, I'm too young for that nonsense.

Oh and exercise definitely helps with heat management. For me anyway.

leviathan

What Frika said.

Gottalife

Sleepie, my first attempt at getting sober lasted about 4 months which included 10 weeks in the asylum. I did it just the way you did, white knuckle. I thought I would get better, but I got worse. At the end of the four months I was so down I couldn't get out of bed. In His report, the follow up nurse described my living conditions as "absolute squalor". I had no friends. Sobriety was dreadful.

If you've been to the doctor and ruled out any medical cause, what is left. As others have said, exercise is something that will probably help, but I hate exercise - more pain. And as I couldn't get out of bed even to tidy my room, that wasn't gonna fly for me.

So what was left?
I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. The way I ended my misery was to have a puff of weed which lead immediately to a drink, and then I could function in the world. I felt ok at least for a short time. Alcohol was my solution.

There was another solution which, like you, I had rejected at the start. In the end it was the only remaining option, it treated the alcoholism and fixed that awful feeling you are talking about. I didn't go willingly, fought it almost to the end. But I gave up the fight and surrendered. Bets thing I ever did.

Sleepie, you have endured tremendous hardship and pain. Getting of those benzos was an incredible feat. While you were going through that battle, I was watching another woman die who could not match your resolve. She had friends and constant medical help, yet could not stop. She just wasted away.

You have got through that, but now you are approaching a crtical moment. If you are in fact suffering from untreated alcoholism, how will you treat it? Will you go back to your old solution, or are your ready to put an end to the misery for good, and chose a permanent solution as many others have done, myself included.

strategery

SoberCAH

Great post.

For me, life in recovery has been an ebb and flow kind of thing.

I have gained some weight after a vacation, and I take my weight probably too seriously.

To respond to the title of this thread, alcohol and benzos, in that order, were my drugs of choice.

Glad you're here.

Delfin

Dear Sleeps,

I hope what I'm going to say isn't discouraging. You know I'm behind you 100%! Unfortunately, I've found that getting sober is only the starting point for feeling better. There's a lot of work to be done to actually get to that good place we're looking for. I suspect that some people have a shorter path, but for some of us who had the "upheavals and hellish background" that you mentioned, it's going to be a longer path and more work and time to heal. But please be patient and keep working at it. I really believe you're moving in the right direction. I really do!
I agree with Scott that what you're seeing and feeling may be anxiety-related (PTSD from your childhood abuse perhaps? I'm no expert, of course). I know you're doing work around your LD and it's hard to tackle everything at once, but I think that spending time on and focusing on dealing with some of the other issues in your life might go a long way in helping you feel (and look) better. Finally, I'm going to remind you that you have already achieved a lot in a short amount of time, so take it easy on yourself and please try not to compare your journey to anyone else's.



D.

sleepie

Thanks for the responses.

zjw and Soberwolf you are really good friends to me here and thank you. Gottalife thanks it is a good reminder that I suppose I did at least one thing, I guess by quitting. Resolve is not a word I ever apply to myself and so it is good to hear it.

Zjw why do you think that exercise was causing depersonalization etc?

As for the rest I have to do a thing at a time and this year has been a lot of Dr appointments which put me over the edge of what I could take mentally. I have ongoing female issues that are messing with my life and really disturbing me. I guess I figured that at least one thing was going to improve and I feel like I did it all for nothing and losing my sanity a little more each day.

Ok thanks guys I did get really worn out from the heat earlier and was getting ill so I gotta go rest...

Cow

Hi Sleepies, I back from trip and glad to see you bubbly and buoyant as ever.

sleepie

Really good to see you Cow Hi

And I hope that you had a really nice time and everything.

Cow

... ...wow... not even a smile for my insouciance... you must be really bad.

Delfin

Doh! I nearly choked on my pie!! Lol!

sleepie

What kind of pie, Delf?

I literally forgot to laugh Cow... sorry!

Cow

I in one of those times, also Sleepies. I mean, I never can laugh, cuz of the anhedonia, but right now I so f*cking depress, I not can even cry. I so far below it, it be trivial to cry. It pretty bad, when you *aspire* to cry.

But let not have pity party, cuz we already blow the roof off that one. I total agree with other who say you has to take action about you anxiety. I think is Job One, even more important than LD, which also important, but that not crippling you like the anxiety is.

sleepie

The LD may be the cause of the anxiety, in part. I am awaiting test results. I didn't want to go on about it anymore but I did take the rest of tests a few days ago and have been internally freaking out about it as I haven't anyone IRL to talk to about it, a few other things happened too, trying to "suck it up" so very irritated and also panic attacks today with the heat.

sleepie

What about the vacay Cow? No good?

Cow

Everything that could go wrong, did. Not really want to talk about it.

I did read book (my 2ND WHOLE book this year)! Has probable been 5 year or so since I read any books. Anyways, you maybe get something from it, Sleepies. It call "Reasons to Stay Alive" and although I wish to punch author in the face by end of it, it does has very visceral, insightful descriptions of his anxiety disorders.