I am a walking contradiction.
 

Sometimes I sit and wonder what the hell goes on inside my head that tells me to go out drinking for hours on end like I did last yesterday. I'm sat on my bed right feeling groggy , ashamed ,upset and angry. Yesterday afternoon , I was sat at home feeling quite depressed ( Ive suffered from depression for years) mainly thinking about how all my smoking and boozing over the past ten years has damaged my body and how about if I carry on I could and probably will end up in an early grave. So upset with myself did I get with myself , that I got my coat on and headed down the pub with my wallet and pouch of tobacco where I stayed for the next 8 hours....................... I really don't understand myself.

For me back in the drinking and trying days what was important to me was to learn from it, tweak my plan and work harder to staying sober as I believed it would stick and it finally did, the majority of us have been where you are and understand, don't beat yourself up, get back on the sober horse and start the journey to sobriety.

All the best
Andrew

There's much research about how amazing your body is and how it can heal itself. I get the "alcoholic voice" telling me to go out there and do the familiar..... I hate the shame the next day. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm on day 22. I'm new to this. I feel you. I don't want to sound corny, but it really is one day at a time. Not tomorrow, definitely not yesterday. Just don't drink today. I tell myself I'll have one tomorrow....and when/if tomorrow comes I say I'll do it tomorrow.... That works for me. I have fear of the long term commitment so I don't think about it long term.

I go to AA. I wanted to drink last Saturday, so I went to a meeting instead. They are super supportive. There are so many others with our disease. On this site and out there.

You can do this. Screw yesterday. Here's to your today and the the fact you shared this means you do care about your health and yourself. Just know I'm fighting with you. That voice can go f**k itself.

Its just strange , when I want to drink , all my other interests that I enjoy seem to just become pale and lifeless in comparison to the idea of going out and getting drunk. It's only when staggering home and lying in bed with the room spinning do I see that I should have stayed in , fought the craving and done something else.

its a terrible cycle. i was 275lbs the day i quit drinking and 6 months later or so i quit my 2+ pack a day cigarette habit fixed my diet and started excercising. I now when i'm not injured ... run 50-70 miles a week and weight in at 150lbs.

The point is the body can recover.

But the insanity is crazy. the exact cure or what seems to be the cure for our issues is also the the same poison causing them! Its like chasing your tail after a while.

Once the cycle is broken however and we face the depression and axiety and life head on we can start to cope with it in other ways. and we starve the alcoholic beast within of its poison.

I know what you mean about drinking and how you loose interest in other things. I think thats 2 fold I mean sure partly booze is no good etc.. But I know for me if i'm involved in one thing i tend to loose sight of everythign else. I kinda got a 1 track mind. So if i where to drink it would be front and center in my life. But I dont think for me the drink is special in that regard antyhign can easily become the new object of my obsession.

What you're describing is the cunning, baffling and powerful aspect of addiction. Unfortunately there really is no understanding it. Believe me, I've tried. I can only accept completely that I am alcoholic and surrender to the fact that I cannot drink normally, ever. I do this one day at a time...and how AA does that all sound? But its true.

A commitment to quit, a plan for detox (if necessary) and daily plan to stay sober is the only way for me. People talk a lot about a 'plan'. For me that simply means setting my intent each day to not drink. Going to some kind of F2F support 3 times a week, counseling if necessary (I've already done A LOT of that), coming here as much as possible, journaling my thoughts and my feelings, engaging in healthy lifestyle stuff (eating right, hydrating, exercise, gardening, hiking). Making a list each day of all the things I'm going to do and using that list, checking off each positive action as I take.

The biggest part, do not drink today, no matter what. It takes effort and thought. Forcing myself to think in a manner that is uplifting, not in a manner that is self defeating. You can do this!

Hi guys... I know what you are saying and hear it loud and clear.. one day I looked in the mirror and let my Pop in my head have a go.. that was it.. change and find positive of life or loose it all house kids family life.. nope stronger then that.. had to see a shrink that day.. sat in my chair in the big room and waited I knit for distraction.. young man sat down next to me.. what a f-ng mess ... crying about is Mom and life.. I carefully put everything in my bag.. brushed off my skirt stood up and and let him have it Marine DI style.. let the room have a big shot of my mind and all the bull **** in the room.. young lady from desk came up to me.. your next mrs R.. I walked in looked at the man and woman sitting there and said get a life and make them better . me I have a family work and life that needs me.. that was spring of 1990.. have not had to walk into a room like that again... Stand F--ing Tall Hold the High Ground and kiddo find the positive that needs you so much and turn that heel on the bad and stop you have to want to stop on your own..no one else can do it.. so here's the Marines Oldest Daughter in Wisconsin screaming at you DO IT KID AND BE BETTER.. by the way Love and prayers ardy

What you described we have all lived, in one way or another. It's the "cunning and baffling" piece of alcoholism, which centers in the mind, that the big book/Alcoholics Anonymous describes.

I found that working the 12 steps with a big book sponsor helped me to recover from this predicament, along with recover from the shame that goes along with it.

No amount of self-will could have solved my problem.

It's called addiction Calvin, and it's definitely strange. Doesn't make any sense at all really. That's why the solution is to simply accept it for what it is...and realize that there's no way to "out-think" it. Accepting that you can never pick up the first drink under any circumstances.

Most of us needed help doing that....SR can be a great tool as well as many of the other formal methods. Have you ever tried a structured program like AA/NA or other meeting based recovery?

There is an AA group in town but I'm a very nervous and self conscious person. I'm not sure I could face going to that. NA I have never heard of. What are they all about?

Hi calvin86, nice to see you on here. If you want to get off the sauce go to AA and check it out. Learn some skills and learn what's happening to you. NA is narcotics anonymous for people with drug dependencies. AA is for us boozers.
I was scared s***less going in for the first time but quickly got over it. You'll learn a lot about alcoholism and skills to stay sober. Don't waste time trying to figure it out on your own, it'll hammer you every time. You're young and your health will return quickly if you get sober now. A good life is waiting for you, go get it.

What everyone has said.

And- most of us felt like you did the first time we considered going to a mtg. I went to the back and sat and didn't enjoy being there but kept my mouth shut and tried to listen. That was way before I actually quit - then when I finally did, I went, sat in the back and listened as best as I could through my rough detox phase. And I kept going. It has gotten much better and I don't like it every time but I go; you really can get to the point it is very big blessing in your life.

I would venture it is worth trying. Good luck!

Addiction isn't a mystery.. we have conditioned and trained our brains reward pathways that alcohol will make us feel better. It relieves stress (briefly) and helps us have more fun (for awhile).

Eventually all this stops working of course, but the reward pathways have been conditioned. That's why we swear over and over again we won't drink.. then we do. That's why we need support. We have to break the cycle.

The brain will heal and return to normal, but for awhile we can't imagine having fun or relieving stress with out alcohol. Find a group, get some support, and let your brain heal. It will rewire itself, especially as you learn to enjoy life sober again.

Trust me, I drank almost every day, for decades, and now after almost three years, the thought rarely even occurs to me. I literally forget about alcohol for weeks at a time.

NA is "narcotics anonymous". It's a 12-step program like AA but is open to people who use any kind of substance as their drug of choice, alcohol included.

You don't need to say or do anything at either meeting if you don't want to, you can simply sit there an listen if you like. Anxiety is very common in addiction, and some of it may actually be fueled by your drinking. Another option would be to call ahead, someone could meet you outside the meeting if you don't feel comfortable going in on your own.