Any users angry at their enablers?
 

I am very, very angry at mine. My enabler being my bf. I am going to try and express myself clearly and in order though I admit my sadness right now is rather confusing things.

In 2 1/2 weeks I will be 6 months free of all alcohol and benzos. I have recently been very, very tempted to use benzos after many health issues of a female nature and scary tests, and waiting... and more tests... and waiting. The anxiety is insurmountable. I have gone through all of it alone. I have nobody to talk to IRL and zero family. My bf is seemingly incapable of any kind of normal human reaction to this such as maybe a small word of comfort or two. It has been hellish.

But I digress. So. BF was my enabler in drinking. I mean he ran out to get the stuff and everything. I can only see this as a very selfish action- it was easier to help me drink than it was to help keep me sober. I mean he never gave one single word of acknowledgement or support the whole time I actually tackled the business of quitting drinking and benzos. No small feat. But never, not once, mentioned by him. Not one single word. I am not asking for a parade just simple acknowledgement from the person I am sharing my life with. I would have done so. I am supportive in all he does. Including his family which is very hard for me as I have none of my own. Even though it terrifies me to do so as my own family history is rife with abuse. Sometimes I cry in the bathroom after we visit his folks because it hurts so much to see all the love he gets and how they just adore him. Against the cruelty and indifference that I was made to suffer from my own family.

Anyway... so, I really am mad not only that he never has one single thing to say about my hard earned sobriety but that he helped me drink. I mean if he really actually gave a damn he surely would have said something instead of helping me to stay drunk at the expense of my health? It was lazy and selfish of him. It makes me think he does not truly care about me at all.

Does anyone else feel upset/angry at their enabler?

Yes, sleepie, I could write a book. But to keep it short and to the point, and I may be overreaching, but it sounds like you may not be in the healthiest of relationships. As I've gotten sober, I've realized my enablers are in fact not looking out for my best interest. Once I realized this, I knew I have to stay sober. It's the only way out. The best way to deal with an enabler is not to have one. That's just my experience, hope it helps.

That's what I figured. SIGH. Do these types ever change? What could a person possibly have to gain by helping someone stay active in drinking/using???


Now I hope what I posted won't be confused for me saying he "made" me drink or even blaming him for drinking. What I am saying is, if he truly cared for me he would have said something. Maybe helped me with a word here or there of encouragement? Don't people do this kind of thing for their partner? Or is it normal for them to just keep buying the booze until the drinker just pulls up and stops on their own without a word of encouragement at all, ever? I would have been happy even if he gave an ultimatum. I mean I truly think that if I never stopped, we'd still be together, I'd still be drinking and it would just go on and on. Like it makes no difference either way to him. I have to wonder was he actually more comfortable with me as a drinker since I could just drink alone so he did not have to bother with me or the demands of an adult relationship?

I can relate. But you're right, nobody made me pour alcohol down my throat, I did that myself. I was (am still) angry I haven't gotten more encouragement and support to quit. They basically act like I don't even have a problem, despite all the evidence supporting it.

For me, I have to find support where I can, places like here. And take responsibility. Like I said, I was the one who drank. And I'm the one who has to stay sober. But I understand the difficulty it creates.

I wish I could offer more of a solution. At only almost 3 months, I'm still sorting through the mess myself. But I hope you're able to sort it out.

Maybe give AA a try? There's support there.

I had to take charge of my sobriety and I had to do it alone. When I say alone understand this means IRL which is rather a big deal. I hate even watching shows like "Intervention" because it makes me mad to see all these people with an entire cheering section of caring family members and friends that have tried many times to get the addict to stop.

But me, totally solo. Nobody who knows who I am or where I am from, or where I am coming from. I think those that have it can be very dismissive of those who do not. It's just plain ignorance.

I think that possibly the down side to not reaching out to a recovery program and other alcoholics is that it's very easy to start believing that you a the only person who is going through these things. Plenty of people had unsupportive or enabling partners Sleepie. And when it comes to the crunch, we all have to do this thing for ourselves if we want to get better. Resentments and anger now really aren't good for your sobriety either. I suppose the choice is itch him, or accept him, faults and all. And one of those faults might be that he does the easiest thing for a bit of peace, and that he mistakenly thought would make you happy. Or do you suspect that he bought you the drink to purposefully keep you a drunk?

People do the wrong thing all the time. No human is perfect. Sometimes the motive is more important than the action.

Hi Sleepie. My husband would be absolutely thrilled if I was to pick up a drink again. It would excuse his own drinking and put our relationship right back where it was...and a lot of that was good.

I can't say I don't struggle with what I see as his 'indifference', but I think much of that is centred in his fear and reluctance to let go of his own drinking.

So...its down to me. I either make my peace with his drinking, or I don't. That's where I am. Going back to drinking isn't an option for me any more. In every other way our relationship is good. We've been married a long time and we still laugh a lot. BUT he drinks and would be my enabler were I to let him.

I no longer have any expectations that he will stop or that he will suddenly become interested in my recovery journey, and letting go of that has brought me some peace. He is his own person, and I am mine.

It sounds to me like your sobriety and clarity of thought now has raised a lot of questions for you about the state of your relationship. I don't believe any one of us here can tell you what to do, but we can listen and support.

We all deserve some happiness, and only we can tell what that looks like.

Peace ❤️

Hey guys, I am one of those enablers, did it for 34 years, till I could no longer stand it, and divorced axh a year and a half ago. You have to understand that us codies are as sick as the addict. This is a family disease. Please go and read on the friends and family side of this forum. Read the horror stories of what we have all gone through. Try and show some compassion.

Most enablers have no idea about addiction. From what I learned here, we will never understand it so don't even try. I am sorry your enablers have not supported your recovery. Have you ever thought maybe they had no idea u were as bad as you were? We all know that our addicts are not always truthful, especially when it comes to how much alcohol you drink.

We are enablers, peace keepers,,people that don't want conflict. We just don't get it, your struggles. I tried for almost 34 years to "get" help for my addict and he still isn't ready. Maybe you could recommend alanon for your enablers so they can try and understand what it is that you are going through. It's helped me tremendously. I know you think they try and sabotage your sobriety, but they really dont. I use to buy alcohol for my x, I also use to run his errands for him so he could go and meet his friend's at the bar. I did some crazy stuff as I look back. I just thought I was being nice, wrong!!

I also understand the spouses who also like to drink. They don't want to face their issues with alcohol. That is when u step over to f & f again to educate your self about detaching from your alcoholic. It's not easy either way.

I have now learned and educated myself about addiction. It still hurts but I respect my axh right to drink himself to death. As terrible as it is to watch, I have given him to God.

Hugs my friends, and bless you that you have found the joy of sobriety. I would give my right arm for the father of my children to experience that. Cut your significant others some slack and educate them. It's truly worth it for you and them. It's not cause they don't care, its just that they don't know.

That's exactly how I feel, sleepie.

Thanks for the insight, maia!

My darling DH would cheerfully give up a limb of my choice if it would make me happy...I'm verylucky.

But when I gave up alcohol, it made him...nervous...not least because he drinks more than he should anyway and because he couldn't quite shift gears. It used to be a nice treat for me if he brought home a pricey bottle of the white wine I loved, but then it wasn't. Confusing and threatening for him.

So mostly I haven't said a word about it to him in the over five months, which has meant that I'm going it alone, too. Thank heavens for SR.

In the end, as you said, it's on us.

My husband (of almost 20 years) hasn't said a supportive word of my non-drinking.

Like Jen, I think he'd like to have the "party girl" back.

So no, you aren't alone in this.
I stopped drinking for me, and I am stopped no matter
what he does or doesn't do.

It sounds like your BF is essentially not emotionally engaged in general.
You've been troubled by this a long time--even when you were still using.
Perhaps this is a deal breaker--it would be for most people.

I think the people who enabled my addiction were even more ignorant about addiction than I was, and I sure did my best to hide the depth of my addiction and blame them where possible for causing the problems and "driving me to drink". We all have free will, and if a relationship is unhealthy we can choose to end it or add some distance (as I did with some family members after I quit). But for me, I quit drinking and stayed sober for me, not for anyone else, and no attaboys were needed.

Lots of good advice here Sleepie, and I think the common theme is that it's certainly understandable to be angry at our enablers, but it doesn't help anything. Taking control of the situation and seeking outside help is the solution. Just like you have done with your drinking....you need to take control and seek help for your other issues.

Hi Sleepie

This is a complex post. I think many many alcoholic and children of abuse and neglect have experienced the situation you describe. Over and over for me as I seem to pick the same kind of people. Alcoholics really do need enabling partners to continue their behavior unchecked. That or be completely alone....which is where things often end up.

So I will share what has worked for me. I allow myself to be treated the way I do (including enabling). I am not a victim anymore (I'm an adult and can walk away). I own my behavior and my reactions. My recovery is my responsibility and I do this for me. I look for support and validation from other alcoholics because they are the only ones who understand.

I'm so sorry you're stressed and frightened over health issues. I'm glad you are seeking medical help. I had cancer twice, 2 different cancers, and it was scary. My husband (who later died of cancer) did all he could but he was scared too and didn't really know what to do. And when I'm scared and anxious I get resentful and can lash out at those close to me.

Hang in there. Take care of you. You aren't married...if the relationship is toxic and un-fulfilling, leave.

I, too, am on the other side of the coin. Hopefully can offer some advice. I will agree that enablers/loved ones of addicts and alcoholics are extremely ignorant, at least at first. My AH first told me he had been taking pain pills, and my (internal) reaction was, "Great! He's finally come out about it, so we can move on now." Ha. By "pain pills" he REALLY meant he was using IV Heroin. I had no clue, I did no research on the cause/long term affects, I was very ignorant. I continued to allow him access to our bank account, etc ,etc... My point is, we are ignorant until we research days on end and understand what you and we are going through.

Once our eyes are opened and we are aware of what we are really dealing with, our struggle is keeping the peace daily. I would threaten to leave, he would promise to change, I would help him "one last time," I was too tired this or that day to really face the dramatic change that would come if I told him to get out, etc. We are sick also, and in our minds, after suffering alongside our alcoholic/addict for so long, we begin to think that keeping the peace and "helping" is really taking us the the right direction. As maia mentioned, read on the family/friends forum. You will read numerous stories of loved ones FINALLY reaching the point and drumming up the courage to tell their loved one "enough is enough!" which is excruciatingly painful and difficult to do when we really love our alcoholic/addict.

An aside -- I have been very supportive (or so I think I have) for my AH while he is in recovery. Told him I will support his recovery, but I will no longer support his active addiction if he goes back there. I can imagine not having this support or acknowledgement that each day is a struggle would be very difficult, and I am sorry you do not have that. Although it is not alcohol my AH struggles with, I can understand that for you every moment sober is a victory - so good on you!! I agree that if you are not receiving familial support from your family, surround yourself with others who GET it. Go to meetings, go to gatherings, etc and meet those who understand you, your struggles, and your victories.

I truly believe addicts/alcoholics who overcome their addictions are some of the strongest men and women in the world. Same goes for their loved ones. I've seen it and experienced it first hand. Most "outsiders" just can not understand. So it is very important to surround yourself with supporters who do. People you can do life with.

I hope my rambling has somehow helped? :whisper

This will probably break us up. I am exhausted again from no sleep, I have been really distraught over this.

I also just wrote a long and thought out post and it disappeared so quite irritated at that.

BF was a heavy drinker but only on weekends. He stopped that awhile ago. A very long time ago he was an every day drinker and has the benefit of a caring family who intervened. He also engaged in really alcoholic behavior, like even breaking a limb and not remembering how after driving home intoxicated. He didn't stop, he just stayed in and drank instead of going out.

I have suggested Al Anon to him many, many times even when I was still drinking. I just wanted him to be proactive and interested.

I have read a lot over in "Friends and Family" and it upsets me because it seems that many there would be very, very happy if their SO's quit drinking but when I dragged myself, with not one word of support or acknowledgement from my bf, out of the hell that is benzo addiction as well as quitting drinking- nothing was said. Not a thing. I suppose that people with the benefit of always having had a family who cares for them and treats them as if they have value don't turn around and do the same for others. Yes this will probably break us up. I have not spoken to him in days. It makes me sick.

I don't think that in my bf's case it is a simple as being a peace keeper. I do not think there is anything peaceful about letting someone drink themselves to death- someone who is begging you to go to Al Anon and basically begging for support. He happens to be very passive aggressive as well.

Take my words for what they are - but I agree that during this time in your life you need support. Or simply some sort of acknowledgement. If he is not really understanding of that or offering it, then maybe moving on toward a more peaceful/wholesome life all around is what would be best.

I do wish you well. This is not easy for anyone. Keep up the good fight that you've worked hard to maintain thus far!

You've been distraught over this relationship for a long, long time Sleepie - years. And it's been over the same issues every single time. You finally did something different about your drinking and benzos, I think the time may have come for you to do the same about this issue.

Honestly, what good is this guy? He seems to detract from your life rather than add to it...

My exhusband not only enabled me, he encouraged me. As long as he could blame me for my drinking, it gave him excuses to act like a butt to me at all times...

sleepie

isn't the more useful focus on you, and not on him?
what i mean is: looking at why you are with a person who you describe as unsupportive, non-communicative, uninterested in your struggles and welfare, unresponsive and basically not "in" relationship............that seems the more fruitful place to look, why you're there, instead of a continued listing of his faults and failings.