Any users angry at their enablers?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
There was a daily reading one day over in the 12-step forum. It talked about being selfish when you help others. IOW, if you're going to help do it because you're getting something out of it, not out of obligation. Otherwise you stretch yourself too thin. Food for thought.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,206
okay sleepie, no "giving" until you feel fulfilled and happy at least a little.
so the question then becomes: what will fill you?
not bf, clearly, who's not giving you anything.
not all the giving you've been getting here from so many for so long, either.
not work, not family, not...
what will bring you fulfillment?
the only "answers" i see consistently here on SR and IRL are involvement; passionate involvement in something that really touches you, be that helping people, animals, service to "the earth", whatever.
waiting for others to fill you up is doomed. at least, i haven't seen that work out for anyone.
so the question then becomes: what will fill you?
not bf, clearly, who's not giving you anything.
not all the giving you've been getting here from so many for so long, either.
not work, not family, not...
what will bring you fulfillment?
the only "answers" i see consistently here on SR and IRL are involvement; passionate involvement in something that really touches you, be that helping people, animals, service to "the earth", whatever.
waiting for others to fill you up is doomed. at least, i haven't seen that work out for anyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
You know, I have actually given something here on SR. Like I said, it can't happen over night. As I have said in the past, getting these tests done is a 1st step for me and does not come easily. It can be easily dismissed if you haven't been through such a situation. My plan was: Get sober- done. Get tested- in process.
Then, try and find out who I really am, one huge obstacle being a very abusive upbringing and another being this learning disorder. I am at my own pace.
There is no simple, quick answer for me. I will have more answers after tests. It takes time, this unchosen path of mine. I already put my plan in to action and it is no easy feat- I already did a thing that many who have more fortune and family cannot or will not do- I achieved freedom from not one but two very addictive substances. The rest is a proceed with caution as it is mentally and emotionally very icy territory. I have to take care with it.
Then, try and find out who I really am, one huge obstacle being a very abusive upbringing and another being this learning disorder. I am at my own pace.
There is no simple, quick answer for me. I will have more answers after tests. It takes time, this unchosen path of mine. I already put my plan in to action and it is no easy feat- I already did a thing that many who have more fortune and family cannot or will not do- I achieved freedom from not one but two very addictive substances. The rest is a proceed with caution as it is mentally and emotionally very icy territory. I have to take care with it.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
I think you're already doing what you need to be doing, Sleeps. You're moving in the right direction. And I understand that you need to bide your time for now and figure out stuff before you can move out. Stay strong!
D.
D.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Thailand
Posts: 6,594
The enablers topic has been on my mind all day. I suppose my enablers nearly killed me with their kindness. That's right, they thought they were being helpful.
I particularly have in mind employers and my supervisors who not only tolerated my behaviour, they made excuses for it, covered up for me, and let me away with all sorts of unnaceptable things. As a result I got worse.
The ones that really helped me were the ones I got angry at because they refused to tolerate my behaviour, make excuses or cover up, they made me face issues, and if I refused they fired me. The same would go for friends. Some tolerated, some fired me. In the end they all fired me, and I was alone, with only the desruction I had caused for company.
So then I get on the sober path, and what do I find? The exact same thing. There are enablers, who will drown me in sympathy, lie to me, put up with my "alcohlism" (crappy behaviours) do almost anything to avoid hurting my delicate little feelings. They almost killed me with their kindness too, telling me I didn't need to do what needed to be done, reassuring me that "it" would get better when they had no proof of that, and just generally swallowing any kind of nonsense I wanted to throw their way. These are the enablers most dangerous to the newly sober alcoholic, and they are everywhere.
Then there were the people who could really help, who would tell me the truth even if it might hurt my feelings. They told me what I needed to do, and they helped me do it. Instead of telling me I could cop out of anything I didn't like, they shared their experience and showed me the way forward. They explained what they had done to get where they were, and helped me along the same road. They put principles before popularity. They didn''t force it down my neck. It was my choice. I knew the could always go and work with someone else. But I wanted what they had, not what I had, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it.
I have a feeling Fini will understand what I mean.
I particularly have in mind employers and my supervisors who not only tolerated my behaviour, they made excuses for it, covered up for me, and let me away with all sorts of unnaceptable things. As a result I got worse.
The ones that really helped me were the ones I got angry at because they refused to tolerate my behaviour, make excuses or cover up, they made me face issues, and if I refused they fired me. The same would go for friends. Some tolerated, some fired me. In the end they all fired me, and I was alone, with only the desruction I had caused for company.
So then I get on the sober path, and what do I find? The exact same thing. There are enablers, who will drown me in sympathy, lie to me, put up with my "alcohlism" (crappy behaviours) do almost anything to avoid hurting my delicate little feelings. They almost killed me with their kindness too, telling me I didn't need to do what needed to be done, reassuring me that "it" would get better when they had no proof of that, and just generally swallowing any kind of nonsense I wanted to throw their way. These are the enablers most dangerous to the newly sober alcoholic, and they are everywhere.
Then there were the people who could really help, who would tell me the truth even if it might hurt my feelings. They told me what I needed to do, and they helped me do it. Instead of telling me I could cop out of anything I didn't like, they shared their experience and showed me the way forward. They explained what they had done to get where they were, and helped me along the same road. They put principles before popularity. They didn''t force it down my neck. It was my choice. I knew the could always go and work with someone else. But I wanted what they had, not what I had, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it.
I have a feeling Fini will understand what I mean.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10,658
Rereading this Sunday morning, here is what I see you saying:
valium looks "increasingly attractive"
you aren't leaving the boyfriend situation any time soon even though unhappy
volunteering is out
you feel nobody is, or has been, giving you any support
you want freedom and happiness but no vision of what that is for you in real terms
you are really painting yourself in a corner for relapse here sleepie--
please be mindful
valium looks "increasingly attractive"
you aren't leaving the boyfriend situation any time soon even though unhappy
volunteering is out
you feel nobody is, or has been, giving you any support
you want freedom and happiness but no vision of what that is for you in real terms
you are really painting yourself in a corner for relapse here sleepie--
please be mindful
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Hawkeye has a good point - On a practical note Sleepie, do you actually still have Valium in your possession? I hope that was just a thought when you referenced it, but if you do please dispose of it along with any other benzos. You spent way too much time on your taper to let an issue like this ruin it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I appreciate the concern, but relapse won't happen. I am in the clear for now. I am getting really worked up and upset also because the tests are right around the corner, again. I would have them all done by now but I had to reschedule twice because I was so nervous and anxious that I got no sleep at all so couldn't test and there is a month wait between test appointments. I was finally getting my sleep on a normal pattern but it is messed up again.
As far as relapse, I had to go through too much to get off of everything and I really want to do a year without anything. So I'll only have 6 months in about 2.5 weeks. I am in the clear for now and thank you, no desire to take anything today. I do appreciate you reading between the lines because sometimes you have to do that with these things.
Had a long talk about things with bf yesterday. He knows he has not been there. Not for the 1st time I tried to explain the enabling thing to him. Told him all of what I feel, that it was easier to let me/help me drink than to handle a relationship. Explained to him again that I am on rocky terrain here with all the adjustments to no longer having any relief by way of drinks or benzos.
He feels bad. As a former heavy drinker he also has a little insight about it. I guess it is an ongoing conversation. I hate this dumb addiction and the fact that it plays into anything. I understand now that I was a convincing drinker too, since I always was very creative and active while drinking, I got a lot more exercise, was in better shape and made a lot of things. So it was a little easier to just allow me to continue. This is in contrast to now being unable to leave my room, being consumed with anxiety and never making things anymore, creativity dried up completely. This was the last crushing blow in being sober.
I honestly cannot say I am doing better as a sober person. But I guess like most of my life it is a grudge match so I keep dragging myself through the days without messing up my sobriety. I keep doing it though so there is that. I dragged myself through 20 years of abuse at the hands of my family, I guess I can do this one too.
I asked him if it was unreasonable to want support from my partner, if he regrets getting involved, if he would have done anything differently. If it was me I would have given 2 chances to quit and straighten out. Then call it quits, call me if you get sober. But that's me.
I try and think back to before I was drinker. I had a friend who really duped me, this was before I ever drank. He was a wake up and drink vodka kind of guy. He drank all day at work- got in trouble for it. I never smelled it on him, he was very good at his job, he never, ever acted drunk. I suppose I can see the naivety in a non drinker. But I would never buy it for him!
As far as relapse, I had to go through too much to get off of everything and I really want to do a year without anything. So I'll only have 6 months in about 2.5 weeks. I am in the clear for now and thank you, no desire to take anything today. I do appreciate you reading between the lines because sometimes you have to do that with these things.
Had a long talk about things with bf yesterday. He knows he has not been there. Not for the 1st time I tried to explain the enabling thing to him. Told him all of what I feel, that it was easier to let me/help me drink than to handle a relationship. Explained to him again that I am on rocky terrain here with all the adjustments to no longer having any relief by way of drinks or benzos.
He feels bad. As a former heavy drinker he also has a little insight about it. I guess it is an ongoing conversation. I hate this dumb addiction and the fact that it plays into anything. I understand now that I was a convincing drinker too, since I always was very creative and active while drinking, I got a lot more exercise, was in better shape and made a lot of things. So it was a little easier to just allow me to continue. This is in contrast to now being unable to leave my room, being consumed with anxiety and never making things anymore, creativity dried up completely. This was the last crushing blow in being sober.
I honestly cannot say I am doing better as a sober person. But I guess like most of my life it is a grudge match so I keep dragging myself through the days without messing up my sobriety. I keep doing it though so there is that. I dragged myself through 20 years of abuse at the hands of my family, I guess I can do this one too.
I asked him if it was unreasonable to want support from my partner, if he regrets getting involved, if he would have done anything differently. If it was me I would have given 2 chances to quit and straighten out. Then call it quits, call me if you get sober. But that's me.
I try and think back to before I was drinker. I had a friend who really duped me, this was before I ever drank. He was a wake up and drink vodka kind of guy. He drank all day at work- got in trouble for it. I never smelled it on him, he was very good at his job, he never, ever acted drunk. I suppose I can see the naivety in a non drinker. But I would never buy it for him!
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,323
Hi sleepie 
I am glad you had a talk with bf. My ah seems pretty oblivious about my sobriety changes and challenges. I think I am in denial about how deep his denial runs
When I was around 6 months I felt pretty blah and flat. I just kept telling myself to keep keeping on and to just pile up the sober days. I believed things would eventually change and they did, eventually.
I suspected your valium comment was just a little steam blowing
so happy to hear you confirm it.
You keep on keeping on and that is fabulous
I am glad you had a talk with bf. My ah seems pretty oblivious about my sobriety changes and challenges. I think I am in denial about how deep his denial runs
When I was around 6 months I felt pretty blah and flat. I just kept telling myself to keep keeping on and to just pile up the sober days. I believed things would eventually change and they did, eventually.
I suspected your valium comment was just a little steam blowing
so happy to hear you confirm it.You keep on keeping on and that is fabulous
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10,658
It is good you got it on the table. . .maybe the more direct method of asking
for what you need is best with him.
It sounds like he was more oblivious than ignoring you sleepie.
I'm very glad to hear "no surrender" on relapse.
That's what it takes.
Hope things go better now that you got some tension out of the air,
and good luck with your tests--
for what you need is best with him.
It sounds like he was more oblivious than ignoring you sleepie.
I'm very glad to hear "no surrender" on relapse.
That's what it takes.
Hope things go better now that you got some tension out of the air,
and good luck with your tests--
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,206
butbutbut...it doesn't matter if it's reasonable or not to ask for support from him if he cannot or will not give it.
the issue is not whether he "should" do it, but what you will do since you don't get that support from him.
it is about you.
nothing to do with him.
about what you will do in response to not getting your needs met.
the issue is not whether he "should" do it, but what you will do since you don't get that support from him.
it is about you.
nothing to do with him.
about what you will do in response to not getting your needs met.
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