Any users angry at their enablers?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I really cannot just walk out right this very second.
Major life changes here as some of you know. I have lived my life with undiagnosed LD until very recently and am currently being evaluated for the exact details. It is an enormous thing to take on and extremely life impacting and the worry for my quality of life/future is extreme to say the least. I do this all without one lick of real life support and I'm not about to go around telling people I have ld in my life. Ideally this is a thing I could get a little support from my bf about but that is never going to happen so I go it alone as I do all things IRL. I have quit two majorly addictive substances in the last year and had a job that I crashed and burned at- quite possibly due to having ld, and all of that has taken a toll on me. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have also lived life with a hidden and undiagnosed disorder that affects literally every single aspect of life. But please try not to judge or get frustrated that I do not just leave right this very second.
Yes, if I had a million dollars, I would run and never look back. It isn't that easy for me. Each day I am in a panic over not only my current situation but also the very poor trajectory I have with LD. I have been on low wages and had a not too great quality of life and suffered much because of this. I fear very much for my future and have again, zero support IRL. So please take it easy with the "Get out already" stuff... I am human and can only handle so much at once. I think addressing this issue for me is pretty huge and basically an enormous focus in me and "my stuff". I also do not see the harm in venting a little about the bf because yes this is the reality right now and it is upsetting.
Major life changes here as some of you know. I have lived my life with undiagnosed LD until very recently and am currently being evaluated for the exact details. It is an enormous thing to take on and extremely life impacting and the worry for my quality of life/future is extreme to say the least. I do this all without one lick of real life support and I'm not about to go around telling people I have ld in my life. Ideally this is a thing I could get a little support from my bf about but that is never going to happen so I go it alone as I do all things IRL. I have quit two majorly addictive substances in the last year and had a job that I crashed and burned at- quite possibly due to having ld, and all of that has taken a toll on me. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have also lived life with a hidden and undiagnosed disorder that affects literally every single aspect of life. But please try not to judge or get frustrated that I do not just leave right this very second.
Yes, if I had a million dollars, I would run and never look back. It isn't that easy for me. Each day I am in a panic over not only my current situation but also the very poor trajectory I have with LD. I have been on low wages and had a not too great quality of life and suffered much because of this. I fear very much for my future and have again, zero support IRL. So please take it easy with the "Get out already" stuff... I am human and can only handle so much at once. I think addressing this issue for me is pretty huge and basically an enormous focus in me and "my stuff". I also do not see the harm in venting a little about the bf because yes this is the reality right now and it is upsetting.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I had to take charge of my sobriety and I had to do it alone. When I say alone understand this means IRL which is rather a big deal. I hate even watching shows like "Intervention" because it makes me mad to see all these people with an entire cheering section of caring family members and friends that have tried many times to get the addict to stop.
But me, totally solo. Nobody who knows who I am or where I am from, or where I am coming from. I think those that have it can be very dismissive of those who do not. It's just plain ignorance.
But me, totally solo. Nobody who knows who I am or where I am from, or where I am coming from. I think those that have it can be very dismissive of those who do not. It's just plain ignorance.
People simply not there or they are there but offering ZERO in the way of meaningful support.
It doesnt really make me mad tho anymore. If anything its made me stronger and made me realize how strong I am as i watch others fall down all over hte place becuase they NEED someone to come in and pick them up all the time.
That being said your one tough cookie.
But here is the other part of MY particular problem and I dunno if you have this issue or not but something to think about anyhow.
Becasue of my go it alone nature because i've had to go it alone enough times. Because people are either in my way or not helping me it seems like. I"m also not very good at recieving help... Yeah in a couple ways. One I think people tend to be turned off at even trying to help me man times cause so often i'll say nah i got this. So the offeres for help dont come. Or I suppose people go he's a tough cookie he can handle it why offer him help? Or i dont want to feel as if i'm a burden to others so I decline otherwise genuine good offers for help.
I've thought a lot about it too you hear about how important it is to be a cheerful giver. But its also important to be a cheerful reciever. People ENJOY helping others and when we decline it we deny them of this joy and pleasure.
I'm not saying you have the second problem sleepie. I just think its somehting to think about at least for me anyhow because there are times when I'm just being a stick in the mud.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I only wish there was a person here IRL that offered support- I know it would be gladly received!
I think some people here think I am a selfish whiner or something. Of course the whole picture of sleepie is not here on SR. But I do want to clarify a few things.
For one thing, I have done a lot of volunteer work in the past. A lot of things. From reading and recording for the blind to finding recycling resources to working at a cat shelter.... you get the idea. Volunteering is not new to me, and I am not one who only gives when it is easy- I even volunteered at a food pantry while hiding the fact that I lived in poverty and needed food for myself. It was scary for me but I made sure that the well groomed, well dressed women I worked with discussing their jobs and traveling and vacations and such knew nothing about my plight- I even chose carefully thrifted name brand items to wear to the pantry in the hopes I wouldn't be found out. Not easy, people.
I also, despite having a very abusive upbringing- was a nanny for many years. Always giving what I never got to have. I would come home and cry a lot after seeing all the love and attention and validation the kids got every single day. I t made me so sad but I just cried and my heart broke a little more. As I said, giving what I never got. Not easy and also not unfamiliar to me.
So yes... it does break me down not to get any support in my real life.I am a giving person and just want to know what it is like to receive.
I think some people here think I am a selfish whiner or something. Of course the whole picture of sleepie is not here on SR. But I do want to clarify a few things.
For one thing, I have done a lot of volunteer work in the past. A lot of things. From reading and recording for the blind to finding recycling resources to working at a cat shelter.... you get the idea. Volunteering is not new to me, and I am not one who only gives when it is easy- I even volunteered at a food pantry while hiding the fact that I lived in poverty and needed food for myself. It was scary for me but I made sure that the well groomed, well dressed women I worked with discussing their jobs and traveling and vacations and such knew nothing about my plight- I even chose carefully thrifted name brand items to wear to the pantry in the hopes I wouldn't be found out. Not easy, people.
I also, despite having a very abusive upbringing- was a nanny for many years. Always giving what I never got to have. I would come home and cry a lot after seeing all the love and attention and validation the kids got every single day. I t made me so sad but I just cried and my heart broke a little more. As I said, giving what I never got. Not easy and also not unfamiliar to me.
So yes... it does break me down not to get any support in my real life.I am a giving person and just want to know what it is like to receive.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
If you want support in person you have to seek it and give it as well. That will mean getting out of your comfort zone and doing things like going to meetings, volunteering, going to church, group therapy, etc. I know you've done some of them in the past, and I'm just using those as examples, there are several options. And I know you don't like "black and white" thinking, but the bottom line is that no one is just going to show up at your house out of the blue and fix things. You have to take action. You give support here on SR and receive it, the real world is no different.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
As I said, I'm only human. Tackling one huge issue at a time is all I can take right now and I am actually tackling two.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I dunno sleepie. I htink it can be rather healthy to come here or elsewhere and vent like you do. You cant just leave it all in and internalize it.
I know for me sometimes i just gotta scream and thats all and then i feel better. Soemtimes you just want someone to listen to you is all.
I can see how its hard to get support elsewhere. I"m in a silmlier situation myself and I'm trying to get out more but the places i'm going out for have a purpose. IE I cant just go over my problems with the instructor that gives me music lessons lol.
And i know a guy from AA but I dunno its like he's distant if you bring up any of your own issues and he cuts you off. where as i'm all ears when he watns to discuss what he's got going on.
Its hard to find those people you can connect with. just getting out more and such doesnt automatically garantee it.
I do find it fairly simple to get some support from this board and others like it tho. but I do myself miss the one on one good friend in person connections etc..
Maybe this is just he wave of the future lol we all have a bunch of cyber friends and virtual groups etc... ::scratches head::
I know for me sometimes i just gotta scream and thats all and then i feel better. Soemtimes you just want someone to listen to you is all.
I can see how its hard to get support elsewhere. I"m in a silmlier situation myself and I'm trying to get out more but the places i'm going out for have a purpose. IE I cant just go over my problems with the instructor that gives me music lessons lol.
And i know a guy from AA but I dunno its like he's distant if you bring up any of your own issues and he cuts you off. where as i'm all ears when he watns to discuss what he's got going on.
Its hard to find those people you can connect with. just getting out more and such doesnt automatically garantee it.
I do find it fairly simple to get some support from this board and others like it tho. but I do myself miss the one on one good friend in person connections etc..
Maybe this is just he wave of the future lol we all have a bunch of cyber friends and virtual groups etc... ::scratches head::
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by sleepie
As I said, I'm only human. Tackling one huge issue at a time is all I can take right now and I am actually tackling two.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
What we ARE trying to tell you is that you can expect all you want from your BF, but that doesn't mean you are going to get it unfortunately. Yes, it seems absurd, and it may not fit what you've read about the dynamics of relationships. But he's obviously not willing to change, and you cannot make him, no matter how many times you ask. And yes, it's not fair...but unfortunately life isn't always fair and not every relationship works. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost and living codependently will never allow you to do so.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I am more than my fair share familiar with life being unfair. I only wish it was simply unfair, for me it has been downright cruel. Just plain cruel.
Anyway. Each passing day I find valium quit attractive. Venting keeps me sober.
Also, I never really stopped and thought about what I have done before, volunteering while in poverty... hiding my life as a "have not" from the "haves" while I served others.
Turns out I am kind of awesome. I never give myself any credit at all. I see others complaining about not getting what they deserve when they already have so, so much... and there I was without food but volunteering at a food pantry.
Not that anyone notices. I think I do not know how to put myself first. I have always had it in my head that expecting to be treated like a human being worthy of acknowledgement and validation makes one a bad person, or greedy or self centered or something. I think others like that attitude so they can take advantage of me.
I wonder how to practice putting myself first. I have seen a lot of entitlement in others in life. But maybe a certain amount of entitlement is what keeps people from ending up where I am.
Anyway. Each passing day I find valium quit attractive. Venting keeps me sober.
Also, I never really stopped and thought about what I have done before, volunteering while in poverty... hiding my life as a "have not" from the "haves" while I served others.
Turns out I am kind of awesome. I never give myself any credit at all. I see others complaining about not getting what they deserve when they already have so, so much... and there I was without food but volunteering at a food pantry.
Not that anyone notices. I think I do not know how to put myself first. I have always had it in my head that expecting to be treated like a human being worthy of acknowledgement and validation makes one a bad person, or greedy or self centered or something. I think others like that attitude so they can take advantage of me.
I wonder how to practice putting myself first. I have seen a lot of entitlement in others in life. But maybe a certain amount of entitlement is what keeps people from ending up where I am.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by sleepie
I am more than my fair share familiar with life being unfair. I only wish it was simply unfair, for me it has been downright cruel. Just plain cruel. Anyway. Each passing day I find valium quit attractive. Venting keeps me sober. Also, I never really stopped and thought about what I have done before, volunteering while in poverty... hiding my life as a "have not" from the "haves" while I served others. Turns out I am kind of awesome. I never give myself any credit at all. I see others complaining about not getting what they deserve when they already have so, so much... and there I was without food but volunteering at a food pantry. Not that anyone notices. I think I do not know how to put myself first. I have always had it in my head that expecting to be treated like a human being worthy of acknowledgement and validation makes one a bad person, or greedy or self centered or something. I think others like that attitude so they can take advantage of me. I wonder how to practice putting myself first. I have seen a lot of entitlement in others in life. But maybe a certain amount of entitlement is what keeps people from ending up where I am.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by sleepie
As I said, I'm only human. Tackling one huge issue at a time is all I can take right now and I am actually tackling two.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
I maintain that I am a giving person and it is not too much too expect a little support from the bf. I didn't want this to be a thing where I end up having to defend myself. Just very confused as my impression was- addicts like enablers, whereas I do not. I mean it is rather absurd to me that I have asked him to seek out AL Anon. That is just not the dynamic I read about.
His essential nature seems to be self-centered and without empathy.
In fact, it has been frustrating you for years and still no change.
I think maybe you hoped that getting clean would help precipitate the change,
so maybe you are feeling hurt and disappointed about this.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oregon
Posts: 14
I understand sleepie. I am so sorry for your frustrations and feeling alone. It's tough but in the end, I know the only way I can get better is to count on me to do it. We can't control others but we can take charge of us and how we feel, even if it's a feeling of sadness. It least I can own that.
I have a lot of resentment too. I start my binges by buying my own alcohol and then when I become useless, my husband buys it for me until I can no longer hold it down and am forced to sober up. It's never been because he has forced me to sober up. I too sometimes think it's easier just to keep me drunk because then he can do, or don't do whatever he wants. When I am sober I am a pretty in charge on top of things person. When I am drunk, things can just go to hell around here and I think he just says, "Well she did it"
I think the saddest part for me, the hardest part is I feel I am noticed when I am drunk but once I am a few days into sobriety, I feel like he hardly notices me and my progress at all. I say all of the time to him, "Just because I am not falling down drunk or throwing up all over, doesn't mean I don't still need your support" but it truly feels like he thinks everything is fine now because I have been sober a whopping 7 days. Now I almost feel invisible.
((
I know I use my drinking to get back at him when he hurts my feelings. Obviously, I end up suffering even more so once I do. I am doing a lot of self talk to stay strong. I have to for once just put me first and deal with the anger. If I don't he just wins again.
I wish you well sweetie.
I have a lot of resentment too. I start my binges by buying my own alcohol and then when I become useless, my husband buys it for me until I can no longer hold it down and am forced to sober up. It's never been because he has forced me to sober up. I too sometimes think it's easier just to keep me drunk because then he can do, or don't do whatever he wants. When I am sober I am a pretty in charge on top of things person. When I am drunk, things can just go to hell around here and I think he just says, "Well she did it"
I think the saddest part for me, the hardest part is I feel I am noticed when I am drunk but once I am a few days into sobriety, I feel like he hardly notices me and my progress at all. I say all of the time to him, "Just because I am not falling down drunk or throwing up all over, doesn't mean I don't still need your support" but it truly feels like he thinks everything is fine now because I have been sober a whopping 7 days. Now I almost feel invisible.
((I know I use my drinking to get back at him when he hurts my feelings. Obviously, I end up suffering even more so once I do. I am doing a lot of self talk to stay strong. I have to for once just put me first and deal with the anger. If I don't he just wins again.
I wish you well sweetie.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by sleepie
I am more than my fair share familiar with life being unfair. I only wish it was simply unfair, for me it has been downright cruel. Just plain cruel.
Anyway. Each passing day I find valium quit attractive. Venting keeps me sober.
Also, I never really stopped and thought about what I have done before, volunteering while in poverty... hiding my life as a "have not" from the "haves" while I served others.
Turns out I am kind of awesome. I never give myself any credit at all. I see others complaining about not getting what they deserve when they already have so, so much... and there I was without food but volunteering at a food pantry.
Not that anyone notices. I think I do not know how to put myself first. I have always had it in my head that expecting to be treated like a human being worthy of acknowledgement and validation makes one a bad person, or greedy or self centered or something. I think others like that attitude so they can take advantage of me.
I wonder how to practice putting myself first. I have seen a lot of entitlement in others in life. But maybe a certain amount of entitlement is what keeps people from ending up where I am.
Anyway. Each passing day I find valium quit attractive. Venting keeps me sober.
Also, I never really stopped and thought about what I have done before, volunteering while in poverty... hiding my life as a "have not" from the "haves" while I served others.
Turns out I am kind of awesome. I never give myself any credit at all. I see others complaining about not getting what they deserve when they already have so, so much... and there I was without food but volunteering at a food pantry.
Not that anyone notices. I think I do not know how to put myself first. I have always had it in my head that expecting to be treated like a human being worthy of acknowledgement and validation makes one a bad person, or greedy or self centered or something. I think others like that attitude so they can take advantage of me.
I wonder how to practice putting myself first. I have seen a lot of entitlement in others in life. But maybe a certain amount of entitlement is what keeps people from ending up where I am.
You have to take care of your self first witht he basics. Your health your ssanity your sobriety etc.. THEN you will be able to even more awesome for everyone else.
Thats not to say to just stop right now helping anyone and forcus on you per say. But keep it within reason while you get your own ducks in a row make sure you are your priority right now as you get yourself more healthy or healthy to a level your happy with.
I know with me and my healthy eating and excercise it comes ahead of everythign else becasue i'm not willing to sacrifice my health and sanity for anything else because then i wont be much good to anyone else etc..
Like i know if i'm depressed and down I gotta figure this out or else i'm just gonna give all those around me seconds. etc..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
these issues with your BF etc.. bide your time address the things you can take care of now. and throw some of these others on the back burner. who knows in the future they may resolve themselves or they might not but you'll be stronger and more able to head in your own direction etc...
just tackle what youc an tackle and keep it simple is all.
just tackle what youc an tackle and keep it simple is all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
to hawkeyes point and others.
I knwo myself too many times even now i think wow i'm so angry that this other person isnt this way or that way etc.. and I try to make it out like its ther efault or there problem. But the reality is i'm the dang fool who is sitting her expecting them to be this or that way casuing myself all sorts of trouble.
I started to think well stupid me i'm the fool that thought this person would this or that. I didnt beat myself up over it tho was like welp I guess it just is what it is then. Oh well.
I knwo myself too many times even now i think wow i'm so angry that this other person isnt this way or that way etc.. and I try to make it out like its ther efault or there problem. But the reality is i'm the dang fool who is sitting her expecting them to be this or that way casuing myself all sorts of trouble.
I started to think well stupid me i'm the fool that thought this person would this or that. I didnt beat myself up over it tho was like welp I guess it just is what it is then. Oh well.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"So yes... it does break me down not to get any support in my real life.I am a giving person and just want to know what it is like to receive."
i have read more support for you on threads of yours for along time from many people.you have received more support than anyone
here.
isnt that real life support?
i have read more support for you on threads of yours for along time from many people.you have received more support than anyone
here.
isnt that real life support?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
There was this chap who had been sober many years when a felt another bout of depression coming on. He wondered why his program didn't seem to work to make him feel happier, and he applied a lot of thought and meditation to the matter, especially the St Francis prayer.
He eventually realised he had to break all dependencies on things human, even the people in his program. Instead he began to walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.
With all this happening, another great realisation came to him.
Emotional stability came from giving, not receiving.
Quite a few of us have since learned this truth.
He eventually realised he had to break all dependencies on things human, even the people in his program. Instead he began to walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.
With all this happening, another great realisation came to him.
Emotional stability came from giving, not receiving.
Quite a few of us have since learned this truth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Well actually it's the old air mask story thing that people like to bring up- like you have to be able to breathe before you are able to help anyone else?
I so need to breathe. I am taking the steps to see to myself, health and sanity and well being but it is not gonna happen overnight. Sometimes people suggest volunteer work and I never say too much but seriously I feel like I am gonna lose my mind about 50 percent of the time and volunteer work is just not the best suggestion for me right now.
And I am always giving on an empty tank. I want my time. Finally. That's what I want, and that's a part of why I got sober. I mean call it selfish, but I didn't become an alcoholic addicted to benzos because I suffered an abundance of kindness or carefree times in life. I was looking and searching to be free and happy, that's what I want, now I am sober and I intend to try at least a little to do so, no volunteer work until I feel fulfilled and happy at least a little, for once.
I so need to breathe. I am taking the steps to see to myself, health and sanity and well being but it is not gonna happen overnight. Sometimes people suggest volunteer work and I never say too much but seriously I feel like I am gonna lose my mind about 50 percent of the time and volunteer work is just not the best suggestion for me right now.
And I am always giving on an empty tank. I want my time. Finally. That's what I want, and that's a part of why I got sober. I mean call it selfish, but I didn't become an alcoholic addicted to benzos because I suffered an abundance of kindness or carefree times in life. I was looking and searching to be free and happy, that's what I want, now I am sober and I intend to try at least a little to do so, no volunteer work until I feel fulfilled and happy at least a little, for once.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
No need to volunteer in order to feel good about doing for others. Simple stuff like holding the door open for a stranger and such can make one feel better too don't discount those kinds of things in your everyday live. I know for me in early sobriety and even now some times something like that is the only thing I got to feel good about on any given day. Just a simple kind gesture can do a lot.
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