Bunny211

So I will have a year on June 6. On June 4 I am going to a friend's wedding. I am an absolute mess over this. Let me preface this by saying I set the ball rolling by accepting the invite and doing more than I am capable of. I need to be able to better care for myself and say NO to engagements which make me uncomfortable.

No, I am not scared I am going to drink. Drinking is off the table and, by the grace of God, my obsession to drink has been lifted. But, I am overwhelmed. I work 40 hours a week. 3-4 nights out of the week I have meetings. Once a week I meet my sponsor to go over my work. Once a week I meet with my sponsee to go over her work. I have church on Sundays and Bible study Thursday evenings. I am just a whirling dervish. And this weekend I am leaving Saturday morning, making an "amends" pit stop, and then driving 3 hours to a wedding, staying over, and then driving back on Sunday. I just feel like my entire "free time" has been shot. I'm tired. I am tired and hormonal and emotional.

I am also nervous. I don't have the right shoes. I don't have the right outfit. I've put on weight. I feel gross. I don't even have money to buy a new dress, or shoes. I had to scrape up cash to get a decent gift. I don't wanna go in my sub-par dress and sit there stone cold sober and make small talk with people.

It all boils down to my alcoholism. I feel utterly useless and worthless at times. Right now is one of those times.

What to do?!

zjw

OH WOW. I cannot relate to your specific problems well the unable to buy stuff thing i can lol i'm good at that one.

You sound overwhelmed and having been there done that me? i try to not get myself tangled into so much because how you feel right now woudl send me to the bar or well leave me feeling miserable and who wants to feel that way.

But what is done is done your in the predicament at this juncture. My best advice is do what you can. Do your best stay within your comfortable capabilities and limits and be happy and accepting of this.

Many days in early sobriety and even now I used to say My best might not be godo enough but its my best today and its all i got to give. That being said do what you can and let it all be?


You got a lot going on tho it sounds like. I'd be pullin gmy hair out. My routine is work 40 hours manage my 6 kids and one night a week I go to band practice and I run daily at lunch time. Much more then this my head spins!! and even this is too much for me more often then not!

ScottFromWI

It sounds to me that even if you took drinking out of the equation that there's a laundry list of reasons that you shouldn't go. You are tired, you can't afford it at this time, you don't really want to, etc.....

Perhaps you could just send the gift and a nice card and spend the weekend on yourself instead?

Opivotal

Tired and emotional ... big triggers for me in early recovery.

Bunny, are you close with the couple getting married? If not, I would pass on this one.

Be kind to yourself.

least

It sounds like you're spreading yourself too thin. Can you not go? Send a gift and claim illness. You will make yourself sick with so much on your plate.

dwtbd

It sounds like a lot to me too. It won't be impossible to take a last minute pass. Maybe even make a little plan to remember to remember their anniversary next year, a surprise dinner invite or some such, comes with at least two positives : a small goal to look forward to completing and practically no one remembers other couples' anniversaries, so an even better wedding gift , plus you get to buy a year for a great outfit

stevieg46

Why don't you come down with a sudden fever/flu do that and use the time ''you haven't PLANNED for '' and find a balance in your life so you can stop running around like a headless chicken '' easy does it means do it '' but take it easy while doing so , just a thought .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Ariesagain

Send your apologies and a nice note wishing them all happiness.

Then take care of you.

zjw

wow all these folks that are saying to back out geeze. Its not a bad idea ! I know I've had to pull stunts like this many times in order to save my sanity and sobriety!

fred59

really good advice here, I like Ariesagain advice short and to the point.
It sounds like you need to cut back somewhere but that is your call good luck

Berrybean

I'd say back out if yiu wanted to.

Although, saying that I went on a wedding jaunt in early sobriety and it wasn't half as bad as I'd thought. I made plenty of exit plans, which were helped by the fact that I was staying real close to the venue so I could pop back for tea and a dose of SR or contact my sponsor / AA friends and then head back. At a wedding nobody misses someone who disappears for an hour, honestly. I was also surprised that plenty of people weren't actually that drunk. Some people were completely sober, through CHOICE. Who'd have thought it?? I always presumed everyone was as drunk as me. Oops.

Do what you choose, but remember that this IS a choice. You could even just go for the wedding itself then make your excuses and not stay for to help reception. There might even me a meeting you can stop at for a break in the way homeward.

Gottalife

What does the book say? Go or stay away, whatever seems best. If you are shaky, better work with another alcoholic instead. See what you can add to the occasion. Try and increase the pleasure of those attending, especially the bride. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor. Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go..."

You get the idea. There was a hint of concern that you might be "hiding" from something and that is why you are busy busy. Would there be any truth to that?

I have been to a few weddings, been a best man, even a groom. It is usually a very happy occasion, and hopefully a once in a lifetime thing for the happy couple. I would think hard about bottling out. If they didn't want you to come they would not have invited you.

Friends like that are precious.

Centered3

Congratulations, Bunny!!!

That's good insight.

Your sobriety comes first, and this is key that your obsession has been removed. We're allowed to go to venues that serve alcohol if our motives are right. (At first when I saw your post, I thought it was that you were anxious about going to a place where alcohol would be served.)

You do sound like you are burning the candle at both ends.

I have to stop and e-hug you here, dear! That's all external b.s. I know you know that in your heart. Don't buy a new dress or shoes. Borrow from someone or just wear what you have. Put on a confident, warm, smile and let that be your #1 accessory. If someone gives you a dirty look because of how you're dressed, that is everything about *them* and nothing about you.

Sit there with a sparkling water and lime in a glass. No one will care that you're not drinking, if you don't make a big deal out of it or look anxious about it first. Just be calm and smile, and bring God into the day and everything will be alright. If small talk feels uncomfortable, sit with a smile and watch everyone enjoying the celebration. Feel the joy surrounding you and bring it into your heart.

If you find your mind going into fear, pause, breath, and say "God please help remove my fear."

I don't mean to be preachy. I should've shared my experience but this advice comes straight from the exact same experience....

You're getting another e-hug again Bunny!! You are a child of God, He loves you soooo much!!! It's just your ego telling you that you are useless and worthless. Thank it for sharing, and move on as the child of God that you are.

Just be. xoxo And ask God to remove the fear. Bring God with you as your companion to the wedding (right, Stevie, if you're reading this? :-) and all will be okay. Leave the wedding early and get a really good night of sleep before driving home the next day.

I'd also suggest you discuss with your sponsor how to carve out more self-care time. You know the old expression about us not being able to help others unless we help ourselves first? Maybe you're trying too many spiritual-growth things at once?

Be gentle and kind with yourself.

Edit: I just read other people's replies and I agree with them now. Perhaps it's best to come down with a case of a 24-hour virus or food poisoning, and send a gift and a note to apologize and wish them well. Shut off your phone, stay home, and nap!!!

Centered3

I also wanted to add that the first event I went to without drinking was amazing. I was so anxious because I could tell the bartender was eyeing me to try to figure out if I was pregnant, when I nervously ordered a non-alcoholic drink. So I let her opinion of me get to me, but only for a moment and then I let it go.

I was calm, "centered", :-) and able to enjoy people's company in a very serene way. I definitely felt connected to God (I read 84-88 in the car ride over). I usually have social anxiety, and for me to be that calm, serene, and content at an event without a drink in my hand was really cool. Small talk seemed to come naturally.

If I did have a fear about what people would think of me sitting there with my non-alcoholic drink, I was able to let the fear flow in me and out. It just wasn't an issue.

It was a great experience.

tomsteve

"It all boils down to my alcoholism. I feel utterly useless and worthless at times. Right now is one of those times.

What to do?!"

if its alcoholism, thennthat means ya drank. not only that, its prolly oldbehavior of blaming something that really isnt at fault. alcoholism is only active when we drink.
imo, its character defects/ shortcomings.
the answer lies within.
10th step sounds like a good idea.

Gottalife

This is true in my experience. The obsession has been lifted, the problem removed, it no longer exists.

What comes next? A lifetime of spiritual growth. It is not alcoholism, it is growing pains.

kittycat3

Sober in a sub-par dress is much more beautiful than a drunk in haute couture!

I just had to turn down a wedding invite for this weekend. It will be a top notch band with a great party and I just knew I couldn't do it sober.

I'm glad you know drinking is off the table but I agree that maybe a sick pass is ok on this one. Only you can answer that though. You could also go and stay only for the ceremony. Or stay for dinner and leave right after. Could you bring along a good sober support friend?
There are many options you have if you think about it, not going is option 1.....

Bunny211

Update.

I went. But I talked to my sponsor beforehand and decided I would leave wheneverthehellIfeltlikeit. LOL. I ended up having a great time. I danced, laughed, sang along with the band etc. I don't know why I let my head get the best of me at times. My friends welcomed me with open arms and accept me for who I am....slightly too casual cape-cod summer dress and sandals and all. I'm coming to see that they love me for me. And I just need to love myself for ME and stop trying to be someone I am not. Anyway, I left around 9pm. Had two people come up to me and ask me about help with their drinking....so God put me there for a reason.

This weekend was a whirlwind. I made 2 amends on Sunday and woke up today with one year clean and sober. God is good. I couldn't do this alone and I am so thankful for all of you!

Much love,
Bunny

Ariesagain

I woke up this morning, looked at the date, and thought, "Bunny has a year today!!!!!!!"

Standing ovation, happy dance, and a huge hug. You're a rockstar.

FBL

Nicely done, Bunny. The great news is, it just keeps gettin' better