Need advice.
 

I am 43 days sober, thanks to a good IOP program, anabuse, and a lot of white knuckles through cravings.

Next week my in laws are coming to stay with us for 2 weeks. To call this triggering is an understatement. More like detonation. Or a firing squad. Getting through one night with them fills me with panic. 2 weeks? Honestly if I had known this trip was coming I would not have entered rehab. Cancelling is not an option. My mother in law has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's which is why my husband invited them. I know, I am a horrible person to dread this visit when they are facing something so scary. There is a lot of history there to the point where after their visit last Christmas I said never again. Last Christmas I probably was drinking 2 bottles a day to cope.

I cannot relapse. I can't bear to face getting sober again. I have planned some time away and talked to my husband about what I need. No matter what though it is going to be incredibly difficult. I will be going to IOP and may make some meetings (will have to lie about my whereabouts - I am 49 but they feel entitled to know my every movement.). Any other suggestions?

Support your husband. Make the entire visit about him and what's good for him. Everything you do and everything you say (particularly to your in-laws), make it about him and the impact it might have on him. Filter the entire visit through the goal of making it a good visit for him.

Paradoxically, the more selfless you can be, the easier it will be for you. :)

Oh ya. I wouldn't hurt to pray. ;)

What are the things about being around them that are triggering for you? It can be helpful to identify the dynamic for yourself.

I just read a little mindfulness mnemonic: R.A.I.N: A Four-Step Process For Using Mindfulness In Difficult Times - Mrs. Mindfulness

R- Recognize, A- Allow,, I- Investigate, N- Non-identification.

I often skip the investigation part, but it can be very helpful. Figuring out which of my anxieties or insecurities is being flipped by a certain situation can help me be more effective at addressing it.

Congrats on 43 days!

Excellent link. Thanks Fantail.

Sounds like a lot of fear is being triggered by this visit. And fear is one of the most wearing emotions for us.

As far as not being able to say where you're going, and that making it hard to get to meetings, I reckon you can work round that. Or even just be honest to a point. Did they know that you used to drink a lot or heavily? If so, the you can tell them that you decided to stop drinking and you go to see some people who help you with that. You don't need to say the scary words like Rehab or Alcoholic or AA. To be fair, if there has been a diagnosis of alzeimers then they might not be as interested in where you pop off to as you expect. If you don't want to hurt them or worry them, what about a complete fib (with the best of motives of course) such as saying you're house / pet sitting for a friend who's on holiday. Obviously make sure that your husband is aware of where you're really going.

Alzeimers can be extremely stressful to deal with, but do try to remember that alcoholism is equally stressful. The last thing you or your husband needs right now is a relapse . And, there is no such thing as a good excuse for a relapse. We can deal with things better sober than we can drunk. So in times of stress its important to stay sober. I can only imagine how sad and scared your in-laws and husband must be feeling.

if there no way of you avoiding this then keep checking in with us every day throughout and let us be a release valve to the situation you don't have to drink and getting through each day with us will help don't think about it try to meditate with breathing exercises they really help

I cannot relapse. I can't bear to face getting sober again.

Make a priority list and put that at the top of it. Wish you the best.

Ah the Outlaws. Yeah I understand. I remember gritting my teeth through visits with them. They lived on the coast in California...beautiful place. And we would sit inside their house, windows/doors shut, for 3 days 'talking' and playing board games. Drove me crazy. I remember 1 time I went out for a walk (it was that or hang myself in the bathroom). They actually drove around and found me, guess I was gone too long. Made me get in the car and they drove me back. Husband just sitting there like, "Oh God". We've been divorced for years but I now get to hear my daughter complain about the exact same stuff when they visit, or she visits them. Pretty funny.

I had to remind myself that my husband is who I'm married too and that they were his parents, not mine. Maybe its good you're in IOP so you can take off. Definitely plan time away from you. There is nothing wrong with that. Hopefully the hub can be a bit of barrier for you...unlike my ex who was basically terrified of his mother. Hang in there.

Unfortunately, I think 20 years of supporting him and them and letting everything fall on me was a big contributor to my alcoholism.

Rather than thinking of it as support, how about acceptance? By that I mean accepting that he's facing a pretty scary proposition with his mother finding out that she's got a deadly disease. Whether she's a good person or not it's a pretty devastating blow to her and certainly her husband and your husband.

Do what you need to do to protect your sobriety first and foremost - go to your IOP, hit a meeting, whatever it takes.

It sounds like your AV is already coming up with an excuse to relapse to me!!!! Be careful!!! And look after you first! <3

Alrighty then, I am the outlier here and totally support jseattle.

It was Benjamin Franklin who said 'fish and guests stink after three days.'

Just my opinion but anyone staying in one's home for two whole weeks is certainly an onus. (Best friends & family included)

So jseattle most people never let peeps into their home for two nights much lest two weeks. It's dishes laundry meals cleaning smiles conversation blah blah whatever.

Yes your MIL has Alzeimers and there are challenges but this is a two person proposition. You and your husbands are both hosts.

Go to your IOP it will be a chance for to be out if the house.

I totally disagree with a previous poster who suggested you suck up (my words) & make it all about your husbands situation. This situation is all about your sobriety.
All about your sobriety.

Been there there, done that, Stacey it won't be easy but you can do it.

(PS: leave the house as much as possible & do it with grace)

Sobriety is about finding ways to somehow deal with things that seemed impossible previously without resorting to drinking. Unfortunately you are being tested with an incredibly difficult situation very early in your sobriety.

I agree with the previous poster. Early sobriety is all about your sobriety. Minimizing contact with the in-laws may help, but a certain amount of contact will be unavoidable. Finding a way to abandon (or at least to set aside) resentments will be very important during these inevitable encounters. You need more tools than just avoidance IMO.

How you deal with your resentments will be every bit as important as how you deal with your in-laws.

However you choose to do this I wish you well.

This. Yes this. And not just for you in the next few weeks with your in-laws. But for all of us in recovery , always, with every resentment possible, justified or not. Letting go and Acceptance are key to sobriety. Not 'strength of will', or 'fighting it' as I originally presumed.

jseattle, mea culpa, I mistakenly referred to you as Stacey.

Wishing you strength!!!

Try and think of this. If you make it thru this...something that is a major trigger for you, think of how proud you will feel seeing that YOU CAN DO IT!!!

It has to be nice to begin to feel more proud of yourself everyday rather than the constant shame drinking brings us!

You can do it!

I think it's pretty clear that it's a terrible situation. I didn't read anyone's advice as not being supportive. The set up could be the plot of an extremely depressing movie, it's cinematic levels of stressful for everyone involved.

I only suggest focusing on being mindful of one's own triggers/responses because that's the only thing you can control. You can't control other people's behavior even in the best of times, it's sure as hell not happening when they are literally confronting their mortality (or that of their spouse or parent).

The ONLY way I solved this problem was through the steps. Where are you with your step work?

I am less than 2 months sober. I have not started step work. 5 hours a day 5 days a week IOP was pretty draining and we were encouraged not to rush step work; have just started to check out AA meetings. Certainly won't get there by next week.

Thanks everyone. I didn't see anyone as being unsupportive and agree it is all around a terrible situation for everyone. I don't think my husband inviting his parents for 2 weeks right away was the best response to this terrible news (they live on the opposite coast but he did fly right out for a 4 day visit there). He didn't even know I was an alcoholic until I went to rehab and has no idea what this is like. That said it is done, tickets purchased, and I am just going to have to make it through minute by minute, and be gracious and sober. And then I will kill him.