crazydoglady

Hey all. I frequented these forums back when I first was getting sober, nearly 3 years ago, and since then I've wandered off because I find I do everything so much better on my own with no support

I've been feeling about as much self-pity and resentment as a person can lately. I'm not even sure where it's coming from, other than a general feeling of "I should have this figured out by now" and the accompanying self-loathing. My life is basically where it was when I got sober as far as my career, and my social life is over. I have zero friends--they were all drunks and I've distanced myself and moved far away from the scene of the worst drunken carnage. I've been single for two years, after attempting to date in early recovery and failing miserably. I am feeling so lonely and wretched and isolated.

I've done all the usual things--I go to meetings, I go to "meetups" to find other people who share my interests, I try to cultivate social hobbies, but nothing seems to stick. Part of that (most of it?) is because I can feel myself resisting connecting with people, mostly out of judgment toward them. That old feeling of superiority I had in the depths of my drinking. There are also a lot of places I feel I have to avoid in this town, because of those flings I had in early sobriety that did not end well at all (shocker, I know.) Some of those places include the very few meetings that do happen, since it's a small town and there aren't too many options and all of my exes are fellow drunks.

That awful feeling in my bones of "you're different from everyone else and you can't connect with anyone and no one can possibly ever understand you" that has been with me since childhood and drove my addiction to begin with has never been stronger, and it terrifies me. Most evenings I just sit at home and numb out with bad TV and overeat and ignore the world. When I do go out, I am so anxious and awkward that I just find myself counting the minutes to when I can get safely back in my cave. I know I'm behaving like an alcoholic even if I'm not drinking. Last night I actually thought, maybe I'll just go sit at a bar and sip a soda water. What's the worst that could happen? At least I'd be among my own. (I didn't go. I binge-watched more netflix instead.)

I guess I just wanted to get this written down so it wasn't festering as much, and if folks have similar experiences or wisdom to share I would very much appreciate it.

Mountainmanbob

Twice just short of 3 years sober I relapsed.
Kind of took my sobriety for granted I think.
Good time for us to stay serious with and in our sobriety.

A nice sober day wished for all,
M-Bob

fred59

my uncle sat at a bar every day for 17 years sober until one day he decided to drink, he ended up in the emergency room and almost died.
IMO that is not the place to hang out.
Stop watching bad TV and start eating healthy and get exercise if all you can do is walk then start walking get outside and breathe, If I get stressed out at night I go for a bike ride even as late as 10 pm it is better than being anxious in the house and it clears my head.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing crazydoglady. You mention meetings, i'm guessing that's AA? If so, do you have a sponsor and work the steps? That could be a big help in learning how to deal with your self-pity and resentments against others.

stevieg46

Crazy dog lady , Staying sober means being happy and content and at peace relaxed and so on , you say you go to meetings , is it AA ? if so they have a program . booze is only a symptom of alcoholism when we take away the booze we are left with ''untreated alcoholism '' irritable discontent miserable unhappy on and on one could say it points to being a dry drunk , how do I know all this ? well it happened to me I was off booze for 20 years feeling like you are describing and eventually got drunk , we need to ''change and get rid of ALL of our old ideas '' or it will lead back to alcohol . If AA I suggest asking for someone to sponsor you and take you through the program , it will probably save your life take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Ruby2

I understand where you're coming from. A couple of things stood out in what you wrote. You feel yourself resisting connections with other people. And nothing seems to stick.

I do that. I don't make an effort to connect with other people. Not necessarily out of judgment of them but because I've got a lot going on with kids and I'm not taking care of myself. I've come to realize that I need to make an effort. No one is going to come along to rescue me from myself.

I've made a couple of friends in AA. It took a while to do that. Not everyone is going to appeal to you.

I've got 2.5 years as of tomorrow. Lately I've been driving past bars on my way home thinking "If only." That isn't a solution to my problems. It will only increase them if I give in.

If you're going to AA meetings, keep going and keep reaching out. It will pass. Or so I'm told. It's gotta be better than where I was. Keep coming back to SR too.

Andante

Like you, I'm about 3 years sober, I have trouble connecting with other people because I feel somehow inherently different, and there are times when this bothers me.

I don't go to AA, but I make an effort to live by the principles which underlie the 12 Steps. I find this helps lessen the focus on myself and my "differentness."

Do you do any formal step work or sponsoring in addition to attending AA meetings?

No matter how down I might get about my social ineptitude, I keep in mind that I thoroughly used up anything alcohol had to offer me as a social lubricant, and that way now lies only madness.

browndogs

I too am near 3 years sober and I can relate to the feelings you described. I played with AA for a couple years before I got sober. I went to meetings but didn't participate because that's what my addiction wanted me to do. I had to get in the middle of the program by getting a sponsor, working all the steps in order, chairing meetings, etc. for AA to work. If I'm on the sidelines of the program I can easily get picked off by my alcoholism....not so easily in the middle of the group. I hope you find what you need.

sugarbear1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wue34ddAz9w

Don C. 4 Seasons of Recovery

Gottalife

No mention of steps or sponsoring others, the two important parts of AA.

When I started out in AA I felt exactly like this. I was just doing the impossible, "don't drink and go to meetings". That doesn't work for alcoholics of my type. I felt worse and worse, ashamed and alone in a room full of people who cared about me. Just being in the room didn't fix anything. I needed to join in brotherly and harmonious action on the AA solution, do what the others where doing.

When I did, I began to get what the others were getting. Those promises became my experience. I was filled with a deep conviction that at last I am on the right track. And it has stayed that way for a long time.

thomas11

I really have no advice, but I think you took an important step in posting here about it. Already you have received some good advice. You are sober, but it sounds like your life is going on unfulfilled and we know that it doesn't have to be that way. And its just not fair. I would task myself with finding out things that I might be interested in, and then seek out like minded people. Take it from there.

fantail

Congratulations on your sober time! I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck, but it's great that you aren't drinking.

Are there practical steps you could take, like looking for a new job or moving to a bigger town?

advbike

If we don't address the root cause of our drinking problem, whether it was social anxiety, emotional pain from a chaotic childhood, or just feeling different, then we're not really in recovery, in my opinon.

I have a bunch of issues.. those mentioned above, plus a low frustration tolerance when things don't go well. I have to actively use mindfulness techniques, attend meetings, and get plenty of aerobic exercise to deal with my brain. Isolating isn't good, although I'm a master at it.

Leshar

Thanks for your post. I can relate to a lot of it. I'm almost three years sober and the depression I had since my teens (now 59) which predated my drinking hasn't improved and I feel it's compounded by social isolation. I get out there, do things, follow hobbies, volunteer, but everyone I meet is married and I'm very lonely. I'm a widow without children.
Just lately, I feel even worse and just want to numb out. I can't find friends to do stuff with and I feel anxious always being on my own.
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted you to know that I share a lot of what you're feeling.