Double Relapse
 

So, I'm not sure how many days ago I had a relapse post, and then went on about how determined I was to stay sober... but clearly I wasn't determined enough.

Saturday, I got drunk. Unfortunately, I'm an extremely volatile person when I'm drunk (I know, generally everyone is, but I'd say I'm a fairly extreme case). I went out to the bar I work at to sort out my schedule, and someone bought me a beer. I drank it. Of course, things spiraled. Four hours later, I'm wandering around the bar, talking to everyone, having a good time, or so I thought. Then someone starts talking to me about my fiance who lives very far away and tells me "There's no way he's not cheating on you... I'm a guy, I know." This isn't the first time this has happened. In a way, it was good, because I stormed out of the bar upset. If it hadn't happened, I'd probably still be trying to piece together my blackout of a night.

Now, I think I mentioned in my first post that I've had problems with self injury. It's a hard one for people who don't have a problem with it to understand - a lot like alcoholism. It's another addiction, another coping mechanism. It's something I revert to when I'm drunk and upset, and Saturday night I did just that. It had been months since I've hurt myself. I was finally healing up.

Alcohol is destroying my body, inside and out. I'm dealing with a lot of little things in my life, and I'm having a really hard time controlling myself right now. I'm just so damn tired.

This is a hard thing for me to talk about, so I apologize for any discomfort I cause anyone with this, but I haven't told anyone in my life, and I needed to get it out. I'm two days sober, but I still feel like I'm falling apart. I desperately want a drink.

Sorry to hear that sdi. Sounds to me like drinking and hanging out in bars is not going to end well no matter how you look at it. Have you considered seeking some professional help for your self-harm issues? Getting sober will definitely help but you may need to address those issues separately.

The main thing I'd concentrate on first is quitting drinking though...any ideas on what you might do to make that happen?

I don't think you are going to resolve this on your own. Not trying to put you down or doubt your determination. But dealing with addiction is wrestling with a big bear. Get help.

Seek out professional care for the self harm, and a tried and true method of recovery for the drinking.

Hi SDI. In the beginning, I desperately wanted a drink to make the pain of not drinking go away. Is there anyone you can talk to?

Stick around and read on here for support. I don't have any experience with self harm but I do know that there are people on here who do.

Is working at the bar your only employment? Seems to me that would be a rough gig to have. Is that something you are also trying to sort out?

Hang in there.

I have a therapist I see once a week, and I'm on an anti-depressant. I think I need to go back to my GP and see about either switching to a new medication or upping the dose.

As for the alcohol problem, I'm not sure what to do. From what I know, AA is a little religious. No offense to anyone here, but I won't be able to take it seriously. I guess I'm just lost on this one.

I do work at a bar, and it is something I'm working on. I'll be done there by the end of the summer.

Bar. No good. Quit as soon as possible.

A method of recovery could be making a plan and sticking to it. Mine is a mix of AVRT, yoga, SR, therapy, and exercise, plus some big life changes to back it all up.

Depending on where you're located, you might also be able to find some AA meetings that are less dogmatic. I found some where I felt comfortable as a semi-Buddhist semi-Atheist authority questioner, although it did take some looking. I'd never spoken honestly about my drinking out loud before, and that was a very freeing experience. Plus I gained a lot of wisdom from others. I found one that was primarily agnostic, free thinking retirees. I loved that meeting, it was like having 20 sober hippy grandparents.

A relapse can be that simple. There is a story exactly like that in the program section of the big book. It is what we mean in AA when we say "at certain times the alcoholic is without defence aganst the first drink". An effective mental defence that is. Sometimes there is a little thought before hand but not always. In my case I found myself drinking without any conscious thought of the consequences. The thoughts that should have come were strangely absent.

Getting a 24/7 defence is the trick. I found I couldn't rely on friends to that extent. They have lives of their own. Unless maybe a 24 hour body guard? Mine came from a Higher Power. It has never let me down.

I feel your desperation. The only way out of a hole is to stop digging deeper and climb out. And it's ok to take a helping hand in the process.

Aa shouldn't be religious but some fellowships are more 'christian'. Try different meetings. It is spiritual however, but you define what that means for you. I've tried for so long to see my addiction as merely a brain condition, which it is, partly. But the shame , the self hate, the helplessness? That comes from the injury is has caused to my spirit. Or I have let it cause. The program of AA can help with that. Don't close the door on something that might help. Certainly can't hurt.

Self harm. I guess going into a lot of detail can be triggering so I won't. But yes, it is an addiction, partly. The steps can help you with that. Counseling can really help. But just like that first drink, you have to make a choice to reach out before you start down that path.

Hi sdi, I am going to assume you are young. You would be light years ahead of much of the alcoholic community if you were able to get this resolved before it eats away at the next 30 years of your life. I know nothing of self harm, but I do believe alcohol often blows the doors open for a slew of other destructive behavior. I think a couple people posted recently about drinking, which lead to drug use. A little different in your case, but similar. Wish you the best.

sdi,
you speak of not having been determined enough.
my own experience is that my determination was incapable of getting the job done. meaning: no matter how determined, it wasn't "enough", or not "enough" by itself.
i needed to add other alcoholics, daily involvement, commitment and follow-through, and yeah, later i added doing the step-stuff when i understood that i needed a spiritual solution to my problem.

whatever you do, add to it. determination alone is unlikely to be a lasting solution.