I think i finally pushed too far : (

Old 05-26-2016, 12:03 PM
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I think i finally pushed too far : (

Hi Everybody,
Here is my story of poor judgement. My wife and i kick back some mixed drinks once or twice a week and have been for about 6 months now. At night i stay home with the kids while she is out with one of our other kids until around 9:30pm. From time to time in the past ( about 3 times in the past 6 months) I have decided to kick a few back after the kids were in bed to relax and watch a tv show. My problem is that i always take it too far and get drunk. Not pass out drunk.. but clearly tipsy. Wife comes home and sees me acting weird... i just say im tired and go to bed. Im sure she knew every time, but wanted to believe me. Every time she would not talk to me for a few day and we made up.
Last weekend we were having some drinks and i decided to have a little extra on the side. I got plastered so fast while talking to her and she clearly knew that i had way more than what i was sipping on. Its been a week now and we havnt spoken hardly at all unless absolutely necessary. Not even eye contact hardly. I still make her coffee in the morning and try to keep being a good husband. She wakes up, leaves for work. Comes home, avoids me and does whatever.

I worry that i have drawn the last straw finally. This forced me to take a really good look at my life. I researched on forums like this about peoples stories. I also did a lot of research about alcoholism and the stages of liver disease, pancreas disease, spleen disease, all kinds of horrible stuff. Alcohol is just poison for your body.. Why would a person poison their body?

I have definitely made the observation that alcohol is not for me. I obviously can't handle it and i want it out of my life. I made a promise to myself that i would not have anymore alcohol in my life because i would rather have my wife and kids.

I have never had a craving for alcohol. Just sometimes I make a poor decision to have some and relax. Its been a week now and i havnt ever had a craving for it. No withdrawal symptoms or feelings like i need to have it. Maybe i am more of a Lush than an Alcoholic.. i dunno... doesn't matter.

I told my wife that i dont want alcohol in the house anymore. Told her that if she wants to have a drink.. she can go get just enough for her for that night. After we are done(me drinking soda) we pour any leftover down the drain. I know what the term "enabler means" but i don't want to label my wife that. I don't want her to resent me for quitting all together when she still drinks from time to time because she can handle it. I don't want to make her feel like she is the one with the problem.

My fear is that i have lied 1 too many times and its a dead relationship due to trust and that we will just "exist" together from now on. I just want my family and would do anything for them. I know that to build the relationship back up.. i need to not lie about it (Not drinking anymore anyways). I know i am done, but i know she thinks i will not be. I just want her to give me the chance to prove it. I am perfectly fine being the designated driver and that one awkward guy in the group who is drinking soda. The payoff is worth it.

I don't know what kind of advice i am asking for.. just felt like talking to somebody about it.

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Old 05-26-2016, 12:35 PM
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Welcome Dahalk. Thanks so much for sharing your story, and congratulations on making the decision to do something about your problem. You won't regret it! Talking about it is what we do here, so feel free to ask any questions you might like and share whatever you'd like to share. There are some daily and monthly threads in the Newcomers section ( the class of May 2016 fore example ) that you may want to consider joining if you are looking for more daily support.

Another "must read" is the following thread on how to go about forming a plan for your sobriety - because we all need one. Again, welcome and hope you can join us for some conversation.
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Old 05-26-2016, 12:36 PM
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Just give it time. It might take her a little while to trust that you're really serious about this, and are going to go through with it. And it might take a while longer for her to get used to the new routine and new you. It's not something any of us can rush along, and trying to predict what she's thinking or will do is really a waste of mental and emotional energy.

Well done for taking the decision and the first steps to make such a positive change in your life.
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Old 05-26-2016, 02:01 PM
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Don't beat yourself up, quit drinking!

Why would she resent you for not drinking? Alcoholism is progressive, I'm not calling you an alcoholic! I am, quit while you're ahead..

Spouses play a lot of head games, don't know why but they do! Just quit for the month of June and see how you do, if you struggle you might have an issue, no biggie, life is great with out booze!! Wishing you the best!!
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Old 05-26-2016, 02:59 PM
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Hi and welcome Dahalk

I'm assuming by your wife's reaction that this is not the first time problems relating to drinking, or denying drinking, have come up?

None of us know the future but I've seen marriages come back from a place worse than yours...

I think it's very important tho that you recognise your problem and do something about it - not simply or only for your marriage, but for you too

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Old 05-26-2016, 03:48 PM
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It is your personal decision to remain sober. She may feel resentment at your attempt to control whether or not alcohol is in the house.
Time - real time - spent being sober will speak volumes.
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Old 05-26-2016, 04:55 PM
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You've never had a craving for alcohol? In AA we talk about the phenomenon of craving. It occurs AFTER the first drink and compels us to take another and another until we end up drunk. If we don't have the first drink, the craving cannot get us drunk.

We set out to have one or two, but can never guarantee that is all we will have all the time. We might limit our consumption on some occasions, but sooner or later we lose control of how much we drink.

Does that fit with your experience? If so you may be alcoholic.
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Old 05-26-2016, 04:57 PM
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Show her by actions and don't talk about it anymore.

Just don't drink, and things very likely will improve greatly
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Old 05-26-2016, 05:05 PM
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Ultimately the only person that can keep dahalk sober.... is dahalk.
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Old 05-26-2016, 05:20 PM
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Welcome Dahalk!

Based off your explanation I would personally keep an open mind about yourself being an alcoholic or not. This is not to say that i'm promoting alcohol, but if what you explained is the extent to your 'problem' maybe you are not alcoholic? I had a much worse experience with my addiction, however when I decided I wanted to quit I wasn't sure if I was alcoholic. At the time I was in an outpatient rehab program, and the counselor there told me to read the big book of AA, from start to page 60. Then ask myself if I am alcoholic or not.

Either way, I think it's good that you are eliminating it from your life right now. One of the 'tests' to see if you are alcoholic, is to do just what you are doing. Plus you haven't had any cravings which is downright amazing!

However it seems like there is a deeper issue between your wife and yourself, unless the drinking has been a reoccurring source of tension between the two of you. I really think you guys need to talk about it. The silent treatment, from either parties, isn't going to help any situation. Have you considered a marriage counselor?

Lastly, one thing you mentioned bothered me a little. You said "I told my wife that we won't be keeping anymore alcohol in the house anymore." People usually don't like to be told what to do, and especially with this situation, you might want to have a heart-to-heart, telling her of your problem, and ask for her help. Maybe in that case she would support not having it in the house.

Good luck friend, keep coming back to SR!
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Show her by actions and don't talk about it anymore.

Just don't drink, and things very likely will improve greatly
Doesn't sound like they're talking at all. I'm with SolidKarma on this. You guys need to talk more. Silent treatment and guessing what's wrong are no way to have a healthy relationship. But yeah, I also agree there's a problem with the drinking, if you crave more at the time.
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:43 AM
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Thanks all for the great feedback!

The most weird thing happened last night. My wife came home and started talking to me.. we laughed, watched a movie, laughed some more : )

I had a nice ice tea while she had a drink lol. She always asks me to pour her drinks for her. She walked into the kitchen, smiled, poured her own drink and said "I won't ask you to pour my drink anymore because i know you do not want to touch this stuff" and smiled at me.

Now I am week on my way into not drinking and no more depression from her not talking to me.
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:52 AM
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Glad to hear she is talking to you. My immediate thought to your OP was how manipulative and counter-productive that behavior is. It sounds like perhaps you are both clicking more on a way to work on your relationship. Good luck!
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:58 AM
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Yes. Now we don't have to worry about my lying because i have nothing to lie about.
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Old 05-27-2016, 08:17 AM
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Hello and welcome! So glad you are here.

Don't be fooled by your AV. I also never "got cravings" but just give it time. It's easy to stop drinking, it's hard to stay stopped. Read around and post. Do you have a plan?

I'm proud of you for your commitment to your family. It sounds like you have a good thing going.

Hope to see you around.
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Old 05-27-2016, 09:45 AM
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Give her a chance and some time, and stick to it. Don't worry if you are an alcoholic or not, just be a loving husband and skip the booze. It will be okay.
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Old 05-27-2016, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
Give her a chance and some time, and stick to it. Don't worry if you are an alcoholic or not, just be a loving husband and skip the booze. It will be okay.
This--just keep doing this and don't drink no matter what.

I'm glad things are improving quickly
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Old 06-21-2016, 05:39 AM
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I let it become a problem again : ( I snuck a few shots while cooking dinner and became a bumbling idiot and couldnt even finish cooking. Wife told me to go upstairs away from her. I laid on the bed and she came in the room like 3 times and yelled and asked questions. She said she would have left me 6 months ago if she had options.

So at this point i do agree that it is a much worse problem than i originally thought. Besides the obvious *putting the drinks down*.. where would be a good starting place? All i know is that i do not want any kind of "faith based/religion" stuff.

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Old 06-21-2016, 05:50 AM
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There are other options. Counseling, Smart recovery, Rational Recovery (no meetings, just a program). Others too..just google. There is out patient and in patient rehab.

I had to face that my addiction is largely due to a 'hole' in my sense of my self. A lack of self understanding and purpose. And a lot of other things But for me it is a 'spiritual' problem...not entirely, but partly. Not any way. I'm not involved in any kind of organized religion.

Spiritual. And what that means is up to me. Faith. Not as in 'God' but that I have very little control over most of the things that happen around me. I can control me and my reactions. That's it. I have to have faith/trust that if I do the right thing, most of the time the right thing happens. And also accept, that sometimes the right thing doesn't happen.

I've tried to intellectualize, therapize and analyze my addiction away. At the end of the day its cunning, baffling and powerful.
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Old 06-21-2016, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Dahalk View Post
All i know is that i do not want any kind of "faith based/religion" stuff.
There are recovery options available besides that "religion" stuff, but you dismissed the extent of your problem, don't dismiss what could work, out of hand.

At least read the Big Book of AA, available online. It could prove quite informative, even if you choose to go in another direction for your recovery.
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