zjw

Sorry silentrun you inspired me.

I've been debating posting this for days. I dont want to be rediculed and told my "plan" is failing me or something. But at the same time I feel like if I dont air it and get some opinions i'm going to further internalize it and its gonna just make matters worse.

Anyhow. Long story short I've been incredibly discouraged between pain and finacial fun life is basicly beating me up lately. I was feeling pretty crappy on saturday and thought Ya know all this crap i keep runing from it trying to feel happy instead well right now life sucks and well maybe I should embrace the suck rather then trying to avoid it or focusing on something postive maybe I should just immerse in it instead. Just be the suck. It sounded like a great plan no longer avoiding the pain but facing it and endureing it till it passed. I was headed to the gym to run and thats when it hit me. Rather then go to the gym why not go to the beer store get a case of beer and sit in the parking lot for an hour or 2 alone and get drunk then drive home. My wife will think i just went to the gym and will be none the wiser so who cares right?

I was appalled i thought this. hours later I thought it never even crossed my mind that driving drunk would be umm a bad thing. I saw no issue iwth it at the time I thought this.

I ended up just going to the gym and going for my run. And to be honest I didnt feel any better because i managed to hurt myself bad during that run and then started thinking maybe I should have gone for the beer see where this excericse to be happy stuff got me?

So anyhow I've been licking my wounds for a few days now trying to lift my spirits and glad I didnt drink. I got 5 years right around the corner it would be a damn shame to fall over now.

Just goes to show you this beast doesnt ever seem to go away. it rears its ugly head any chance it can get!.

for others in a simlier situatoin. I have no magical answer here. Other then I simply just did not drink. I just pushed on forward good or bad in this case I still got stung but what can i do thats life least I didnt drink least i'm still not drinking now etc..

Opivotal

zjw, life is just hard sometimes. Please know you're not alone , we all go through trials and tribulations. Financially, physically and emotionally.

Living in today seems to help me get through the difficult times. We all get thoughts, but they are just that "thoughts" we don't have to act on them.

I know when that AV rears it's ugly head, it's time to use the tools in my toolbox. Sounds like you did just that by following through with your workout. Maybe you did hurt yourself, but you didn't drink. You're not starting the day feeling worse, you have no regrets.

I don't know about you , but having my self respect back means the world to me. I wake up knowing, I'm following the path, I was meant to. Good or bad days are still better than living in a self inflicted hell.

You did good, be proud of yourself!

Congratulations on almost 5 years!

Ariesagain

Sometimes life just sucks scissors. But if we wait it out, it will suck less. Or at least in a different way

It's almost laughable of your AV to suggest you could drink a case of beer for two hours and no one would know. Your wife would have been able to smell it from your driveway. And as you point out, that's if you even arrived home safely.

Good for you in telling it to shut up!

ScottFromWI

Yes, sometimes we just have bad days. I would consider it to be a good one though, because despite what happened you still held your resolve and did not drink.

zjw

yeah the insanity of it ::facepalm:: i was practically in tears while i thought too was like yep this aint such a bad idea. screw this healthy eating excercise sober crap blah blah. Beer was invented to make me feel better at a time like this I thought etc.. thats why people eat crap food drink beer to give themselves some relief I'm gonna embrace this crap and go have some beer I thought!.

its stupid too like my wife wouldnt have known?!! and if there was beer left what would I have done with it? or the empty cans? the AV never thinks through any of that crap. and if it does its always some other scheme that just leads to more trouble.

Mountainmanbob

Statement from up top the mountain zjw.
Man that would be a lot of good sober time to throw away.

Three questions:
Is there any guarantee that you would ever again see 5 years sober ?
How many sober ones do we meet that get 5 years ?
What would your families thoughts be ?

So easy for us drunks to throw it all away.
Yet, how proud we are to be sober today.

I try to stay away from those words proud and pride.
But, in reference to being sober today I think of them to be well used.

I take much pride in my sobriety.
Please search for and find that place.

MB

silentrun

You really are doing great Z. I get like that too before I post. Sometimes I even tell myself I am being all drama and making a big deal out of nothing by making a post out of it. Then I start to think I am doing something wrong because I even have these thoughts in the first place. I think that is a desperate attempt by the AV to keep it's secrets. Those thoughts are going to happen and this is us working our plan by posting or running or whatever it takes.

entropy1964

I've never come close to 5 years (2 is my biggest achievement) so I most definitely don't know the answers.

I know, for me, a have to try my hardest not to dive head on into negative thinking. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days though....

To me, you are an inspiration because despite feeling like crap, you didn't drink. Seems to me that's a major victory!

zjw

yeah silentrun i feel like this about posint a lot of times but I felt i really needed too i've been internalizing my problems and starting to isolate and or feeling like isolating. starting to think everyones tired of me wife friends etc.. better jsut keep to myself and such etc.. I just know where those kinds of thoughts lead for me so I figured i had to kinda put it out there and engage.

zjw

frickaflip233. The best thing i can think of is in a situation liek this I rather robotically just move forward in the right direction. I did not want to run i was so aggravated and I didnt even know if it would even make me feel better as I've been battling lots of issues. But I just put the blinders on and made the choice that seemed liek the right one. Rather robotically without much feeling or emotion in it if this makes any sense. I went throught the motions and did what i had to do i guess the proper way.

Yea the pay off is i didnt wake up hung over etc...

the whole situation just kinda scared me with how low i was sinking. The fact that the thought of drinking started to have a bit more weight to it.

It can be annoying too to have this much sober time yet still have to battle stuff liek this like hey come on! but I guess thats why people still go to AA at 20 years in and so on. It just is what it is.

graced333

Hi - so glad I signed in right now! I'm very sad today. Life circumstances are very difficult at present. Thank you for your share. I needed to read your words! Onward we go.

dwtbd

zjw , like Scott said I'd put it in the good day category, way to go squashing an AV onslaught.
I know youre a runner and have had injuries , is there anywhere near that provides aqua- programs? Weight bearing type stuff but in a pool? I've seen pictures of stationary bikes in pools , not sure if they are real or how available but something like it could help for rehabbing and not reinjuring ?
And keep keeping on with your badself

fantail

You know, other than the part where you decided the conclusion was to drink... this is actually a pretty interesting train of thought. In some schools of Buddhist thought this is exactly what is recommended for dealing with painful situations. In that practice you would do that by meditating on it without trying to change it. Even if not meditating, the idea of shifting from a place of trying to run away from problems towards quietly observing your negative emotions without judgment is actually a really a very wise impulse on your part. I do this a lot and find it very helpful. The idea of just acknowledging the bad stuff without attaching to it is pretty powerful.

zjw

I wish but i've seen that where pro runners iwth stress fractures in there feet will run on treadmills under water to rehab and maintain there fitness.

I wish i had a sponsor like asics or something i'd totally nail my running game lol. But between work bills and shoe costs and lack of access / funds to put towards stuff liek that I gotta do what i can is all lol.

But yeah that stuff is cool. Past coupel days I used the rower and stationary bike. Neither are the same to me tho as running but its something.

Any sane person would have hung up there running shoes a long time agoe with what i've gone through over the years lol. I just keep marching forward with it.

zjw

Fantail this is how that thought process started for me. I know where your coming from with this. I thought you know I need to just be this I need to just accept that this is just how it is life is like this sometimes no big deal. But I think my thought process ran with this idea and thoguht YEEEHAAWW why not go eat garbage and get drunk again! and i got very very depressed etc..

But also to your point I'd say for a tleas the last week. I have not been reading i have not been meditating or working on my inner self like AT ALL. and so i've been aware of this the last few days that gee you know maybe taking some quite time to meditate and gather myself might not be a bad idea.

I just have not gotten to it yet and have been trying to claw myself out of this depressive state / be ok with it.

I was able to resolve a few problems today. and able to get a slow painful short run in. So I'm thankful for that much and I might try and go back out later and run some more gingerly.

sleepie

Hi zjw
I really appreciate this post. And you "outted" the AV which I think also is good and I am glad you spoke your mind here. And of course the first thing that leapt out was 5 years of sobriety... Wow 5 years! I want to congratulate you on your efforts there too

As one who's life has not improved since quitting I think it is important to know that yes at times that urge and desire to drink or drug will indeed make itself known. Sometimes blindly going forth is the only thing that can be done, this is what I do and try not to overthink it as far as simply not drinking. Like Nike used to say "Just Do It"... I "Just Don't". And leave it at that.

I ain't no Llama, no Buddha, I do not pressure myself to transcend or embrace... though that is my story as one who was exposed too soon and too much to many cruelties early in life. So the best I can do is simply refrain from intoxication.

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

You won again zjw

zjw

yeah sleepie we ask "what is good enough?" should say instead "what is, is good enough"

and your right blindly moving forward sometimes is the only solution you got and ya may not like it and it may seem like it aint working eitehr but it beats drinking and drugging so hey whatever.

I remember working a job one time (hospice) and we had to clean rooms after patients died. One guy man he was always happy. patient could vomit and crap all over the room have aids TB and gangreen and he'd go in there with a smile and clean it all up. I said to the one guy i worked with what the hell is up with this guy what makes him so stinking happy all the time? He's like where he is at right now in life is so much better then where he was before so to him this is great!. I was like geeze cant imagine where he was before.

The old cartoon of the guy pushing the wheel barrow around in hell smiling and whistling happily comes ot mind lol.

Gottalife

I couldn't out think my thinking, so I went for the "magical" solution of a spiritual awakening which completely changed my thinking.
Those kind of thoughts don't come but, when tempted, which I haven't been for many years, I recoil as if from a hot flame. Sounds like you recoiled too. The action didn't happen and some sane thoughts of the consequences eventually showed up.

Soberpotamus

Sometimes I find myself having a bad day ... or bad string of days ... and it's ok to just accept it for what it is, like Fantail said above, and not attach to it ... let it be exactly what it is for that moment ... cause these moments don't last forever. Things change. And as long as you do what's right (don't drink), you'll come out on the other side, happy with yourself or at least knowing you didn't give into your old habit. And life carries on.

I see two separate things going on. Some bad days or a bad time. And the choice of whether to check out for the moment and drink. We don't have to drink. And we can make good choices about what to do with these 'bad' days. Or, just rest.

Dee74

Sometimes my life sucks too zjw...but I believe it would suck a lot more if I was drinking.

I have faith the sucky days will give way to better ones...they always do

D