mac6367

I'm sure it'll be just shocking to everyone that I relapsed (excuse my sarcasm). I felt like I experienced a little bit of negativity here, so I kind of drifted away from the site for a bit. Thank you to everyone who was very supportive, and to those I felt weren't - I'm sure it was just me taking things the wrong way.

My first night back to drinking wasn't while I was bartending, surprisingly enough. My financial aid for school has more or less fallen through, and I felt like a hit a wall. Returning to school and getting to be with my fiance were major motivators for me quitting drinking. It was like I was preparing for my new life. It got me through the day when I felt like I couldn't do it without a drink. I've been extremely depressed and stressed out the past few days. So, of course, what better comfort is there than a few beers and a few shots? The spiral began. Last night, while working, I got trashed. I got stupid and embarrassing. My anxiety levels were through the roof this morning, worrying about what I did or didn't do. I still am a little bit stressed about going in to work tonight and hearing from my boss.

Strangely enough, however, last night was the best thing that could have happened to me. The first three nights of drinking I maintained myself pretty well, and there was that thought creeping in: "Maybe I was wrong, maybe I don't have a problem..." I hate that thought so much. But last night, and this morning, were just what I needed. I'm back on the sobriety bandwagon, with a renewed reminder that I do, in fact, have a serious problem. I've gotten through the worst of my hangover and forced myself to get up and clean my room and do my laundry. I have a gigantic water bottle which will be the only thing I drink. Hydration is my friend!

It was far too easy to fall back into drinking. I could sit here and be depressed about screwing it all up, but I have too much **** to do. I can't let alcohol stop me from living my life. Today is a new day, another new start.

thomas11

Hi sdi, I'm glad you recognize how easy it is to slip back into bad habits. You may or may not know, but alcoholism is progressive and it starts with bad hangovers and before you know it, you'll get to a point where alcohol becomes like medicine because your body is so sick and dependent on it. Alcohol will be the only thing that makes you feel better.

If you get responses that upset you, just ignore them. This forum is an invaluable resource and can do wonders in keeping your sober.

Bunny211

Welcome back! What can you learn from your relapse? What didn't you do that should have? What did you do that you should not have done? Figuring out what works and what doesn't can help save you from another relapse.

Glad you are back with us!

Hugs to you.

tomsteve

glad ya made it back.
i know for a fact there is absolutely no way i could get sober and stay sober working in a bar.

Fly N Buy

I have seen friends loose jobs, homes, loved ones - become ill, broken of spirit and poor. Some drink over these events , many have made the decision to carry on.

My lessons came at dear cost........I hope others don't have to pay that high price of admission into a sober life.

entropy1964

Welcome back and I'm glad you're starting over.

Try not to take things too personally here. I know for me I strengthen my recovery when I'm able to not let the actions (or perceived actions) of others affect my mood. Of course, doesn't always work But most of the time it does.

Rufus1979

Hugs xx I'm so scared how easy it is to fall back into every progressively worse situations x well done for recognising early and stopping while you can x

Hevyn

Good to see you back with more determination, sdi. There's no doubt you can do this.

scottH

I'm a newbie here...but you can do this I am sure. TO wake up and say enough is enough without hitting bottom again. Thats impressive.

I'm hoping you have no WDs...

fantail

I'm sorry about your financial aid. Do you have any other options for school? And when you say being with your fiance, does that mean that school was going to relocate you close to him?

Hang in there. I'm glad you came back.

D122y

Good for you getting a handle on boozing at such a young age.

Quitting so young, now that the euphoric pathways are established, will be hard.

You recover so quickly, your body is strong, and you are still so addicted.

Each time we binge it up, the AV gets satisfied. After a few days, the brain needs the booze or you begin to feel anxiety.

The anxiety ramps up, you decide you feel great, and all you need is a few drinks...the cycle starts again.

Viscous cycle.

I just recently started to feel amazing...it has been over a year.

Gottalife

Yes it is far too easy to go back drinking in my experience too. Most relapses I have seen, and all I have experienced have not come after a dramatic build up, but instead have come in a thoughtless moment, often in the most causal circumstances. The thoughts that should keep me from picking up that first drink, usually don't come at all, and if they do they are easily put to one side.

Each relapse for me was an indicator of what doesn't work. In my mind I had a list of all possible options, generally in declining order of preference. What suited me best first, and what I least wanted to do last. Then over the space of a couple of years I worked my way down the list, after each failure (I was sure this was the answer this time!), crossing one off and moving to the next. One or two solutions were imposed, most were voluntary and seemed reasonable.

The options got fewer and fewer until there were only two left, neither of which looked attractive. That was when I found recovery, in the place I least wanted to go. A relapse, though frightening, can be viewed as a stepping stone to recovery. If you survive it of course, you are that much closer to finding the solution.

waynetheking

Glad you're doing well now. Stick with sobriety. The anxiety will eventually go away. You have to give it time.

MelindaFlowers

Hey,

When I was still drinking and trying to quit I got annoyed at some of the responses on here. It took me some sober time to realize that people were writing out of concern and frankly, if they had sober time, which they all did, they knew more than I did about sobriety. Nobody likes preaching but sometimes some sage advice is needed.

For me to finally stop drinking I needed a mix of soft and sweet advice and some "get it together" advice. We get it what it's like to keep drinking when you want to stop and feeling you can't stop or maybe never stop.

I went back to drinking many, many times until I decided one day that the sickness and blackouts didn't actually have to continue.

It's a random and strange moment when you decide you've had enough. The moments are often very different from person to person. I drank after consequences that would have made other people stop and I stopped after things that would've made others continue.

Just know that you can stop any time. Life will never present the perfect moment to stop. I figured I'd stop when life got really bad. Then after I continued drinking I figured I'd stop when life finally got better.

This is a good question that somebody asked me when I was close to stopping.

How much more time are you willing to waste drinking?

Delilah1

Welcome back! I'm glad you posted. I am coming up on five months sobriety, but if you look at my join date you will see I have been around for a few years with many day ones. My biggest mistake was getting complacent, then I started posting less, then not at all and I found myself falling back its old habits.

I wish I had posted when I relapsed instead of secretly sneaking away.

You can do this!

endlesspatience

It's great you're sharing about this. I have a feeling I know why you sensed negativity here. You told us you were working in a bar and that despite that you felt would be able to get a good recovery programme going, even though you were at a very early stage and you are quite young. Not surprisingly, a lot of older recovering alcoholics were quite firm in expressing their opinion that you should not be working in the bar. I imagine that is not the answer you wanted to hear because as well as being a place you earn money, it's also big social thing for you.

The thing is, you say yourself that you now have a serious problem and keep relapsing. I expect that what people here will say again is please stop that bar work. We don't want to take your money and your friends away but we are concerened that you are putting yourself at risk.

Please don't view this as negativity. It's really just a way of encouraging you to find a new opportunity to live a more interesting life and one without all the hangovers and remorse.

Gottalife

I don't know about the bar job being a barrier to sobriety. It could be but it may well depend on motives. I had a bar job when I was drinking. My motive was primarily to be able to drink on the job. I lasted three days.

My motive wasn't to put food on the table or pay my way in life. There were other jobs I could and did get that would do that. My motive in the bar job was to drink.

I don't know your circumstances. I have heard a few people on SR lament the lack of emplotment opportunities in some parts of the world. Perhaps there are no alternatives to a bar job in order to earn some money to take care of yourself and those dependent on you. Perhaps hospitality is a career you like.

I have known a few people in similar circumstances to yours that have been able to make full recoveries and have successful careers. I am not sure I could have done it, though I have owned a restaurant and been in a zillion social drinking situations since I recovered. I think it all comes down to motives. If you have good reasons for your current employment with which you are satisfied, it need not be a factor in whether you can get well or not.

mac6367

Thank you everyone for the support. I really needed this, and I need to stick with this forum. Just reading around other posts is extremely helpful and reminds me why I'm doing this and that I really do have a problem that I need to work on. Today will be five days. The bar scene isn't ideal, but I only need to make it through two and a half more months. Whether I can go to school or not, I'm done bartending. In a way, bartending has been helpful. It keeps my problem at the front of my mind and keeps me from getting complacent. It also helps to see many of my customers and where the are at in their lives, which is somewhere I don't want to be in ten or twenty years.