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I need advice...and insight PLEASE

Old 05-18-2016, 09:26 AM
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I need advice...and insight PLEASE

HI...

I've come here because I could really use some advice and perspective. I am 40 years old. I am dealing with a love addicted/verbally abusive/controlling relationship ....that has also stimulated my drinking. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day at this point. I used to work all day and come home and have about 2 glasses of wine a day.

Now, I am drinking around 2 at lunch....then another glass or 2 with dinner -- and then possibly 2 more before bed.

So, Here's what I'm trying to figure out. Am I an alcoholic? I have not been able to go without a drink 100 percent for along time. However, there are days I can get myself to just have 2 glasses. Unfortunately, lately, they are few and far between.

My husband says that I have a problem. He's a doctor -- and he's right. I have an issue that I want to drink when we fight -- to calm myself down. HE is just verbally abusive and doesn't need a substance to cope. He quietly insults me -- and then I blow up.

Anyway, I know this sounds like a disaster. I guess I need to know if I need rehab. What advice would you give me?
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
What advice would you give me?
Depends. Do you want to stay in this relationship?
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:39 AM
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i have left him several times and I am back again with him. I believe that I will end up leaving again.

Long story short, we got into an argument where I was trying to leave the house. I was ticked! He didn't want me to leave. He blocked the door. Then he grabbed the make up bag from my hand - and told me to put it down. I told him not to....and he kept yanking it. I told him he had my hand and it hurt. It ended up breaking my fingers and requiring 4 screws in my fingers and of course, surgery.

The doctor called the police for a welfare check and they arrested him and he's now facing a felony for aggravated assault. He says it's an accident -- and he says it will be cleared. But my ex husband is now trying to take my child away because of this... and just give me visitation because he says I'm dangerous to my son.

So -- I am in a big mess. And I don't feel that I can keep the consistent strength to leave him... But, I am trying.

The District Attorney offered that he take about a year of anger management and counseling and he is very reluctant because he says that he is not a wife beater and he doesn't deserve this at all. He just wants it all dismissed. He is now saying that this has ruined his life because he will lose his job too. He says he's 49 years old and doing counseling isn't going to change him.
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Old 05-18-2016, 09:59 AM
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You have two issues. And they appear intertwined.

Sobriety is possible, even in a relationship that is a trigger for drinking, but it will be a struggle. But once you are sober, you will be better equipped to start working on the other issues, the ones that keep you in an abusive relationship.

Read around the forum. You aren't alone. There is a lot of information about recovery methods and getting sober. I suggest a visit to your doctor, honest admittance of your drinking and desire to get sober, and see what she/he recommends as far as dealing with withdrawals.
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:08 AM
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Drinking 5 or so glasses of wine a day -- is that going to leave me with withdrawals? Do you think I will need an in patient rehab?

The problem is my husband is not drinking right now because it's a condition of his bond...and he is overall not a drinker. He likes to make fun of my drinking -- saying he will get me some of my "juice" at the store....he will say I see your face light up when you see your bottle.

Then when I start drinking more than 2 glasses -- he will say I have a problem and that I am a mess etc.

I guess I just need to know how bad this really is for me -- my husband IS a doctor. So, I know what a doctor would tell me... that I'm blowing out my liver. I hear it all the time...
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:11 AM
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If drinking is a problem, getting away from it is the solution.

That would go for the marriage, too.

You can get help for detox - I mean a doctor would prescribe a short-term medication. Why haven't you spoken to a doctor? (other than the one you married.)
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:19 AM
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I think the issue is that part of me doesn't want to stop -- I feel so sad about the way my life is going and I think what's the point? I don't have much to look forward to anymore....

I love my son -- but I'm losing him -- and the more I run toward him the more upset my husband gets -- because he lives 2 hours away from us and that has me leaving home a few times a week to see my son.

I moved away from my son to be with my new husband because my ex wouldn't allow me to move him out of the county.

My husband says that it's my ex's fault -- but he's a good dad. Not sure it's his fault that I wanted to take my son 2 hours away? I think he was just trying to be a good dad. So I try to drive and see my son a few times a week and now I'm putting a ton of mileage on the cars and my husband says that my "ex is winning because he's taking me away from him and ruining our marriage"
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:26 AM
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I'm so sorry. -yup, what they said.

Your drinking, although problematic, may not be a chronic problem.

Your abusive, threatening husband has stated he's too old to change. So that problem is chronic.
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:43 AM
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I'm not sure if he's technically abusive. He obviously hurts me verbally a lot -- and I think I resent him for that part.

But, the issue with my hand -- he was out of control.. I think reckless is the word for it. He didn't INTEND to break my bone - but he didn't realize that he was pulling too hard.

As for the alcohol, I don't know. I can't seem to go a day without it. Not a day...and the fact that he watches it like a hawk really makes me want to drink more. He will measure how much I had in the bottle and make it out that I am the issue here.

Of course, I am more emotional when I drink and even a glass will make me a bit deeper if we are arguing or if he's insulting. the Problem for HIM is that I will become louder, yell louder or even through pillows etc if I am drunk and fighting.

The other night while fighting he said "I don't talk to drunks".

I felt so horrified! But, maybe he's accurate? Maybe this is ME? Is it?
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:57 AM
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It doesn't matter the quantity you drink. Some alcoholics need a drink everyday whereas others just drink once a month but get really wasted.

Many also become alcoholics due to trauma such as loss of a loved one or in your case-your marriage to calm your nerves. Usually alcoholics suffer from some form of depression. My AH uses alcohol everyday to self regulate his emotions and escape his feelings of anxiety, despair, work stresses, marriage stressed etc. But alcoholism is progressive. When once upon a time it was a glass of wine a night, leads to two and then now a bottle. Your tolerance has increased over the year to try to achieve the same calming effects of alcohol.

The path to sobriety means making a drastic lifestyle change for the better, that includes your marriage as your husband is a major trigger in wanting to drink.

I can understand your ex's stance on not wanting his son to be in the midst of an abusive home. Your priority should be your son and being fully present for him. Drinking a bottle of wine a day is not giving your son 100% of your emotional availability at a crucial point in his life.
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:02 AM
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Welcome!

It sounds to me like you may be, or are becoming an alcoholic. Read the big book through page 70 and then you should have a better idea if your an alcoholic.


It also sounds to me that your boyfriend/husband is a negative influence in your life, and bringing you down. I would suggest thinking about what's best for you to live a happy and healthy life. Maybe alcohol and this guy need to be removed to fulfill this.
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
I'm not sure if he's technically abusive. He obviously hurts me verbally a lot -- and I think I resent him for that part. But, the issue with my hand -- he was out of control.. I think reckless is the word for it. He didn't INTEND to break my bone - but he didn't realize that he was pulling too hard. As for the alcohol, I don't know. I can't seem to go a day without it. Not a day...and the fact that he watches it like a hawk really makes me want to drink more. He will measure how much I had in the bottle and make it out that I am the issue here. Of course, I am more emotional when I drink and even a glass will make me a bit deeper if we are arguing or if he's insulting. the Problem for HIM is that I will become louder, yell louder or even through pillows etc if I am drunk and fighting. The other night while fighting he said "I don't talk to drunks". I felt so horrified! But, maybe he's accurate? Maybe this is ME? Is it?
I do worry about the life at home with all the verbal and physical abuse that your son may be witness to. Please find a way to stop this cycle so that your innocent son can have more stability at home.

I would suggest reading and educating yourself on alcoholism and codependency. Usually the two go hand in hand and characterizes many dysfunctional marriages. Also educating and reading up on abuse and its cycle would be useful for the first steps of helping yourself.
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:12 AM
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[QUOTE=thisisit2016;5958181]I'm not sure if he's technically abusive. He obviously hurts me verbally a lot -- and I think I resent him for that part.

Sounds "technically" abusive to me.
I'm in the process of getting out of my own domestic hell, it's taken a long time and I'm not actually out of the door yet. I've also been sober for a little while too. I'm probably too close to your problem to be of much use, but I do relate to your situation (the way you've described it anyway) and it's not good, maybe the wine is keeping you in denial?
Strength and courage to do what's right for you and your son can only be made stronger by getting sober.
Be brave sister.
xx
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:37 AM
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I can see how the wine is keeping me in denial.

That's probably how I just take it day in and day out.

He goes from being all loving and amazing to talking about suicide later in the afternoon.

HE gets angry -- then goes on raging about money or his arrest or his life -- and will say things like "my life is getting worse every day...." "there is nothing to look forward to..."

Then it will go to -- I should just die. You and my kids can get my life insurance and you will be rid of me ....

And then I will get upset and cry and he will say "you just like playing the victim don't you..." "it's all about YOU"

So then I will drink another glass of wine and he will say ....oh perfect..go drink to deal with me... PERFECT. Clearly you just want to leave me...

I will say no....I just want to be normal. He says it's impossible to be NORMAL.... because I like to have too many surprises in life -- what he means is that I have a job that requires me to do day trips about 2 hours out of town -- and back by dinner. BUT he wants to be with me 24/7 and he refuses to let me go alone.

this is part of the reason he is losing his job is that he decides at last minute to leave work to go with me -- so we can "be together". But we just end up fighting all day long...
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Old 05-18-2016, 11:41 AM
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Like you, issues related to a relationship have triggered what's recently become my downward spiral into heavier and heavier drinking. I CAN go days without drinking, but more often than not, I CHOOSE to drink (and sometimes even really crave it!) and I drink to excess (also wine).

I have left my relationship of many years and got out alive with my children, thankfully. There were those who thought I'd never get out alive and I spent a lot of time trying to leave. The stress from the past, some on-going stalking issues and guilt over dropping out of my master's program while almost finished writing my thesis lead me to drink.

Today is my Day 1. I do not want to keep in this cycle and have it worsen. Leaving is very hard, but I am sure you can find the strength to do so. It's really hard especially if you don't have a strong family or friend network of support, Pressing charges and sticking with them is incredibly hard but so well-worth it.

Please update us on how things are going, people do care.

***edited to add, I just realized how cathartic writing out the above is. I am very embarrassed about dropping my master's program, it hit at a time I was dealing with renewing a protective order and intense stalking was going on, I was out of my mind, after thinking I had finally found a safe place. I have to face this guilt and the steps to correct it, in order to keep my drinking under wraps. I am so afraid of permanently failing and never finishing, on top of the embarrassment and the relationship trauma, it keeps driving me back.

Last edited by here4theflowers; 05-18-2016 at 11:44 AM. Reason: added on more info :)
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Old 05-18-2016, 12:39 PM
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You are so brave! Good for you -- stay gone! trust Me! I went back after a week gone (and doing pretty well) and now it's impossible for me to leave again.

You need to stay the course. PLEASE do it.

I left many times. And always got begged back.

Listen - don't be ashamed about your thesis. I will be honest here. What the heck.

I was a news anchor in a very good market. I lost my job/career (eventually quit) to be with my husband. I moved 2 hours away to be with him (who was a successful doctor) after his BEGGING DEMANDING PLEADING. I would go on dinner breaks with him and come back late ---not prepared for the news. I would drink 2 glasses of wine at dinner and then anchor. I would mess up words and then feel like an idiot.

But, I wanted to enjoy dinners with my now husband and make him happy. Eventually, he made me think my career sucked because of my hours (that part was hard)....and begged me to move with him. He said he would "take care of me" until I found a new job or started my own business.

Did that happen? No. I started my own business and make very good money and he demands every dime and then gives me crap if I spend more than 100 dollars on my hiar/nails. He is a SURGEON. I was a NEWS ANCHOR -- I normally had hair and nail bills each month! You can't go into no make up mode if you are on camera consistently...which I am.

I have my own business that is now suffering because he demands that he go along with me every where... He says i'm too "hot" to be alone and get sucked in by another man....

So ....sorry for laboring on and on. I just want you to know that I regret changing my life for him. I regret drinking so much every day to deal.... I regret losing my career! But, I can move on and improve my business and I'm already making more money than I did while on TV.

You have a set back but you have NOT ruined your life...take charge! You can do it!
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:10 PM
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HE gets angry -- then goes on raging about money or his arrest or his life -- and will say things like "my life is getting worse every day...." "there is nothing to look forward to..."

Then it will go to -- I should just die. You and my kids can get my life insurance and you will be rid of me ....
Sounds like me when i drank also sounds like me once in a blue moon now that i'm sober. Overall i'm happier now but i do still have my moments. Point being I dunno maybe ranting and raving once in a while is ok but it shouldnt be the general overall tone.

Verbal abuse can be worse the physical.

I'd prioritize. Make staying sober the first priority because without that not much else is gonna make you happy anyhow. Then as your sober and you build up some confidence if he is still an issue get counseling or leave etc.. address the problem by grabbing the bull by the horns (IE counseling leave etc..) but having glass of wine is not addressing the problem its just a crap coping mechanism that will lead to you being an alcoholic if it has not already.

Besides if your not drinking its one less thing he can pin on you. and its not like its doing ;your body any good anyhow so whats the point.

But I'd keep it simple start with quitting the drinking. Grin and bear his BS and think over your next course of action with him with a sober clear mind. and by sober clear mind I mean weeks and maybe a month or more of sobriety before you do anything drastic etc.. this will give you the time to really process it all and think of a good solution as well as adapt and adjust to sober living.
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:11 PM
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I also think your X may have a good point wanting custody of the child.

if your current husband treats you this way how does he treat your child? if he treats your child good ok great but if the home is crap because of all this how is that affecting the child?

all things to consider.

I grew up in a household with a verbally abusive and phsycially abusive step father. it was crap the verbal was far worse then the physical I think.
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:18 PM
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Verbal abuse IS abuse, plain and simple. He sounds like he has a lot of problems. If it were me, I'd leave him for good. He doesn't sound too emotionally stable, not to mention deceitful. Making promises to you that he doesn't keep, using emotional blackmail. He sounds like a ticking time bomb. I'd run and not look back.
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:36 PM
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You're not sure if he's technically abusive. Someone who breaks your fingers ON PURPOSE, requiring surgery and screws is abusive. I'm sure it's very hard to leave, but, take care of yourself. And, aside from the physical abuse, there is also emotional abuse which is equally as damaging. Do yourself a favor and get away from this man to give yourself some breathing space. . It doesn't matter whether or not you call yourself an alcoholic. Alcohol is causing problems in your life and things will be better if you stop drinking. If you get away, stop drinking, maybe you can find a way to get closer to your son which sounds like something you'd like to do. I wish you well and I pray that you take steps to care for yourself.


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