I need advice...and insight PLEASE

Old 05-18-2016, 01:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by here4theflowers View Post
Like you, issues related to a relationship have triggered what's recently become my downward spiral into heavier and heavier drinking. I CAN go days without drinking, but more often than not, I CHOOSE to drink (and sometimes even really crave it!) and I drink to excess (also wine). I have left my relationship of many years and got out alive with my children, thankfully. There were those who thought I'd never get out alive and I spent a lot of time trying to leave. The stress from the past, some on-going stalking issues and guilt over dropping out of my master's program while almost finished writing my thesis lead me to drink. Today is my Day 1. I do not want to keep in this cycle and have it worsen. Leaving is very hard, but I am sure you can find the strength to do so. It's really hard especially if you don't have a strong family or friend network of support, Pressing charges and sticking with them is incredibly hard but so well-worth it. Please update us on how things are going, people do care. ***edited to add, I just realized how cathartic writing out the above is. I am very embarrassed about dropping my master's program, it hit at a time I was dealing with renewing a protective order and intense stalking was going on, I was out of my mind, after thinking I had finally found a safe place. I have to face this guilt and the steps to correct it, in order to keep my drinking under wraps. I am so afraid of permanently failing and never finishing, on top of the embarrassment and the relationship trauma, it keeps driving me back.
Good for you that you managed to have the strength to get out of a nightmare of a relationship. This in itself is very brave. Embarrassment is a big thing to try to cope with. I remember fearing embarrassment when I was contemplating leaving my AXbf. It took lots of time mainly due to the embarrassment and shame of not being able to maintain an image of a 'great relationship'. Our relationship was far from being 'great' but I never talked to anyone about our issues. It felt like a big relief when I left him for good and then I realized that all the feelings of fear of embarrassment is just in my head. We seem to always be our worst critiques.
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Old 05-18-2016, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post

Unfortunately, lately, they are few and far between.

My husband says that I have a problem.
He's a doctor -- and he's right.
Most all doctors that have practiced even for a short while
have seen up close many a drunk.
I would ask of him what he recommends ?

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Old 05-18-2016, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
Most all doctors that have practiced even for a short while have seen up close many a drunk. I would ask of him what he recommends ? MB
Not sure if the husband would be the best person to help diagnose her illness and help manage plans for improvement from alcohol dependency. I would suggest going to see a different Doctor, someone with a neutral point of view that won't judge and belittle.
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Old 05-18-2016, 02:08 PM
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Abuse in relationships can follow a cyclical pattern. There are times when abusive behavior happens only once, but unfortunately this is not the case in most abusive relationships. Violent behavior typically repeats throughout the cycle. Keep in mind that not all of the victim/abuser behaviors listed below always occur; they are just some examples of commonly reported reactions.

Stage 1: Tension Building
The abuser may become edgy and start to react more negatively to frustrations. The tension may rise to a point where the abuser feels that he/she has lost control over the behavior/actions of the victim.

Possible abuser reactions: moody; withdraws affection; criticizes and puts victim down; threatens; yells.

Possible victim reactions: attempts to calm abuser; nurtures; withdraws from daily activities; feelings of walking on eggshells.
Stage 2: Acute Explosion
This is often the shortest of the stages because violence most always occurs at this point. The abuser may outwardly express more intense anger. Some victims become more emotionally detached because becoming emotional with the abuser could be more likely to trigger violence. It typically ends after a violent outburst by the abuser.

Possible abuser reactions: physical violence like hitting, choking, slapping; sexual violence ranging from unwanted touching to forcible rape; emotional violence like humiliation, yelling, name calling, badgering; use of weapons.

Possible victim reactions: attempts to protect self; calling police, family, or friends; tries to calm abuser; tries to reason with abuser; fights back; withdraws.
Stage 3: Honeymoon
This is typically a welcomed stage by both the abuser and the victim. The abuser usually expresses remorse for his/her actions and the victim starts to believe that the abuser can change and stop being abusive. This stage often continues until the abuser begins to feel confident again and starts to feel a loss of control over the victim's behavior. This stage has shown to decrease in length over time and has been shown to in some cases, disappear totally.

Possible abuser reactions: promises to get help; asks for forgiveness; gets gifts for victim; promises love and devotion.

Possible victim reactions: agrees to stay; sets up counseling; feels happy and hopeful.
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Old 05-18-2016, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post
Am I an alcoholic?
Only you can answer that question, but if I were drinking a bottle of wine a day, as well as drinking to calm down after fighting with my spouse, I would say yes I am an alcoholic. The problem with the disease of alcoholism is that it tells you that you aren't an alcoholic when you are one.

Alcoholics drink to change the way they feel.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. What once was 2 drinks a day can grow into a bottle a day and then some.

I have not been able to go without a drink 100 percent for along time. However, there are days I can get myself to just have 2 glasses. Unfortunately, lately, they are few and far between.
Just because you "can sometimes just have 2 glasses" does not by any means imply that you are not an alcoholic.

What advice would you give me?
We're here to share our experience, but since you asked for advice, I would suggest you go to AA and seek counseling of some kind but the decision is yours and yours alone to make.
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Old 05-18-2016, 05:02 PM
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Have you ever heard of the term "rage-aholic?"

When the going gets tough for you, you turn to the wine. But when things get nasty for your husband, he turns on you. The rush and release he gets from raging on you is his Drug Of Choice. Don't believe that you are the "messed up" one. Don't believe that just because he doesn't drink he's not a total junkie. He is.

First, I believe you do need to get sober, at least for now. Maybe not forever... but for now until your marriage problems are ameliorated, you need a clear head.

Second, I believe you should leave if you are getting verbally abused and physically harmed, if even by "accident." Your husband is dangerous to you. And, by the way, physically restraining you from leaving the house freely IS physical abuse.

But, if you can't leave right now-- which I understand completely--you need to cut him off from his supply, which is his ability to rage at and control you.

So what do you do? The first thing you need to understand is his rage is his crack; it's the same as a drunken bender. Ignore his rants, let him scream, let him stomp around. Don't feed his addiction by responding to his attacks. They are his illness. Just walk away and go into a different room, or better yet, leave the house and get your hair and nails done. Oh, he doesn't like that you got your hair and nails done? Let him scream it out. Quack, quack, quack.

And allthewhile, plan your exit. Do you have a support system? You may want to check out al-anon so you can learn how to not enable his rage. As they say in Al-Anon, you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. So just step aside and observe his rage like a bad storm until he rages himself into a puddle on the floor. Do not engage. You might also check out AA for yourself.

Anyway, I think you should get out. Your husband sounds like a major drag.
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Old 05-18-2016, 05:38 PM
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I wish I could give you a hug.

He's more than technically abusive, he's text book. Isolating you from your child, your career, etc. Telling you it's all your fault. Not letting you go places alone because you're "too hot"!

I've been in those relationships and I understand why you are struggling to leave. There's a reason they isolate us and destroy our self esteem... it makes us stay.

When you posted that the drinking is what's keeping you in denial, I think you hit the nail on the head. You're numbing yourself to make it possible to stay in an untenable situation.

Quit and get out. Do anything you can to get away from this man. The longer you stay with him and the longer you keep numbing yourself with alcohol, the worse it will get.

No one deserves to be treated that way. Your drinking is something you should address, but having a problem with alcohol doesn't give someone the right to abuse you. No one who's not abusive "accidentally" breaks someone's hand during a scuffle.

Do you know anyone you can stay with in the town where your son lives? Having some space and seeing your son more often might help you realign with your real values. I know how mixed up it can get but space helps a lot.
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Old 05-18-2016, 06:23 PM
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Sounds like a power couple gone wrong. I think ultimately you have to do what is right for you. Also, and I'm sorry to say this, many doctors and surgeons have "issues". I have them in my family, and while extremely intelligent, socially sometimes they are dysfunctional.
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Old 05-18-2016, 06:44 PM
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If you give up the drinking ...give up just for yourself, your health and self-esteem it is possible that you will be able to view your relationship with a clarity that a boozy brain can not.
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Old 05-18-2016, 10:35 PM
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He is abusive (and possibly something else like borderline personality). So far you've mentioned a number of hallmark flags of abuse (leveraging children, isolating, job shifting, threatening suicide, turning blame for his actions, etc.). Here's a visual reference I've often seen posted to help understand abuse through the lens of power and control:
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Old 05-19-2016, 02:16 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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That's a really good link RallyAly, thank you!
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Old 05-19-2016, 02:19 AM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
Verbal abuse IS abuse, plain and simple. He sounds like he has a lot of problems. If it were me, I'd leave him for good. He doesn't sound too emotionally stable, not to mention deceitful. Making promises to you that he doesn't keep, using emotional blackmail. He sounds like a ticking time bomb. I'd run and not look back.
Lots of wisdom in this thread, this post sums it up for me.
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Old 05-19-2016, 03:49 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I think there are two issues here, domestic violence and a drinking problem. Trying to sort out the marriage issues while you are still drinking is like trying to read a map through a blindfold. I went from a glass or two after work to a bottle a day in my late forties, it ramped up quickly.

I would suggest finding a therapist as soon as you can, and to do some homework first to make sure that person is qualified in addiction. Continuing to drink while in a relationship that seems to be based on control and power is keeping you in a meek and vulnerable position. Your husband can continue to use your drinking against you.

But the more important issue is that you are joining him in keeping you down by continuing to drink. I did not realize until after I was sober for a few months how my emotions were unbelievably scattered, even during the hours I was sober the chemical gyrations our bodies are going through trying to process the neurotoxins we consumed hours before wreak havoc on our minds.

I was probably as incapacitated to some extent during my hangovers as I was when I was drunk near the end. I began just getting through days without any real ability to think clearly about big picture issues. It sounds like that is where you are now.

You can't change your husband. What you can change, today, is your drinking. And that will help you to make much more prudent and safe decisions about the marriage you are in. The fact that he is a doctor in no way diminishes the way he is treating you, in fact, it makes it more disturbing. The fact that he has a skill in a profession doesn't mitigate the fact that there is a lot of darkness behind closed doors, and you and your son are suffering because of it.

You won't regret getting sober. It may feel frightening but it will quickly begin to empower you. You are absolutely worth it, take it one step at a time. I slipped into the alcohol abyss gradually, and climbing out was a gradual process too. However, my life was completely different after 6 months, and three years later things have never been better.
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Old 05-19-2016, 03:01 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Fantail nailed it. He's abusive.
-Accidental physical damage.
-not wanting you to be successful in your chosen career.
-suicidal threats
-verbal abuse.
-controlling (you're too hot?! ?!) (CLASSIC).

Get out. Work on the drinkin.

Although there's never a better time to get sober than now, I guarantee he will NEVER stop pulling this stuff. NEVER.
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Old 05-19-2016, 03:39 PM
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I'm a guy and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. Verbal and emotional, not physical. She was always the victim (of others too), and it was always my fault. I got sucked onto it completely, and I drank to cope, and numb my feelings.

I finally left but it wasn't easy. I am codependent. A lot of guilt and shame, and she knew exactly what to say to trigger that and make me feel bad. The guilt pulls us back in. After I left, I was able to eventually quit drinking.

Your husband sounds very abusive and controlling, i think you need to get out now. Just because he's a doctor means nothing. Just go.. don't try to discuss it or he will use all the emotional tricks.

Good luck.
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Old 05-19-2016, 04:05 PM
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I am not in the advice business and no one can tell you what to do. My experience is when drinking became a problem I sought a solution. As I garner sober time - almost two years - I can now soberly deal with life's issues.

Until I was ready to change it mattered little what others opinions were - I could have cared less and justified any of my behavior.

To thine own self be true is what I found helpful.
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:16 AM
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how are you doing thisisit?
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:45 AM
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You need to do what is best for you (which sounds like you need to leave and work on yourself for a while). Figure out what direction you want your life to go in, and then follow that path.
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Old 05-20-2016, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by thisisit2016 View Post

I've come here because I could really use some advice and perspective. I am 40 years old. I am dealing with a love addicted/verbally abusive/controlling relationship ....that has also stimulated my drinking. I drink at least a bottle of wine a day at this point. I used to work all day and come home and have about 2 glasses of wine a day.

Now, I am drinking around 2 at lunch....then another glass or 2 with dinner -- and then possibly 2 more before bed.

So, Here's what I'm trying to figure out. Am I an alcoholic? I have not been able to go without a drink 100 percent for along time. However, there are days I can get myself to just have 2 glasses. Unfortunately, lately, they are few and far between.

My husband says that I have a problem. He's a doctor -- and he's right. I have an issue that I want to drink when we fight -- to calm myself down. HE is just verbally abusive and doesn't need a substance to cope. He quietly insults me -- and then I blow up.

Anyway, I know this sounds like a disaster. I guess I need to know if I need rehab. What advice would you give me?
Hi, as far as if you are alcoholic that depends.. the fact that you are wondering is an indicator to a possibility. . Normal drinkers do not wonder if they are alcoholic. They are typically open about the amount the drink. As far as alcoholism there is a question you can ask.. when you drink do u find it difficult to stop? And when you stop do u find it difficult to stay stopped? Those may seem broad but its really that simple. I always knew i was alcoholic but had a hard time accepting and even harder time asking for help.. good luck, the answers are within you
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Old 05-20-2016, 05:48 PM
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Your husband is using your alcohol addiction to control and manipulate and humiliate you. He is absolutely abusing you. No question. Not just marking the bottles but mocking you and trying to control you and how much you see your son, fixating on whether your ex is "winning" etc. Please call a domestic abuse hotline and talk to them. If possible get a burner phone or find another way to cover your tracks as you develop an escape plan.

Your husband is acting as an abuser not a doctor when he does things like calling you a drunk. He is debasing you. A doctor would know that you may have an alcohol addiction and that it AN ILLNESS that needs TREATMENT not humiliation and mockery and name calling. I would get the hell out.

I very much suspect you do have an addiction if you are so fearful of losing the alcohol that it remains a weapon for your husband. If you can quit he loses that weapon. (He will find another one.).

You would probably find going into treatment a wonderful experience where you can address the addiction and the other things going on in your life in a safe place. You can separate the alcohol issues from the marriage issues and think clearly.

It is very common to be afraid of sobriety but sobriety brings great benefits. Think about the sacrifices you have made for alcohol - the money, the sanity, the support, the self confidence. Think about your own self image. Giving up the buzz is hard but there is so much to be gained.
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