I want to be sober, but....
 

Hi, long time listener, first time caller. I just went on a crazy bender and ended up hospitalized, but that's a different story.

The problem I keep facing is this: I want to be sober, I can't drink without going waaay overboard. But I feel like I need something to feel a little messed up. Like I need a break from myself, does that make sense?

Hi. Sure it makes sense. Some of us aren't comfortable in our own skin. Anxiety, boredom, feeling different, whatever..

The problem with alcohol is even if we can handle it, it prevents emotional development. We just avoid dealing with emotions, feelings, all that. It might help for awhile, but in the long run its a really bad way to cope with life, and the problems that come up.

In your case, it sounds like you're not even able to handle it without problems. That's not good. It will take u down.

Hello, Makes sense to me. Isn't that why anyone drinks to escape ones self. In the end it just makes reality more of a mess. Ultimately we always have to face that pesky reality.

Yep. I couldn't stand it the first time I got sober. I only came around when I got to the point with my drinking that I had to accept that continuing was no longer possible without destroying my health.

Being really awake all of the time is hard to get used to. But now that I'm in the swing of it, I've found substitutes. Taking a walk while listening to a podcast, for example, is something that gives my brain a complete break from being me. Taking a yoga class is similar. Reading a novel. It's not the same, of course. But with breaks like that I can go back to my life in one piece.

Hi and welcome 121824 :)

a lot of us got very used to being a little messed up.
It became our normal state.

It's not our natural state though.

If you're like me you gave years to drinking and/or drugging. Why not give a little time to recovery and see where you end up? :)

D

Sure. That's one of the big problems for me. Feelings freak me out and when not drinking I have a lot of them. Learning to just 'be' and let things happen around me, within me, without fear and judgment. Pretty much at the heart of the matter.

Constantly needing a buzz of of some sort was a bad part of my addiction, maybe the worst, because it was a common thread through my addictions--cigs, weed, and drinking. I never thought I could get over it, that I would be in a constant "jones" for the rest of my miserable sober life but it passed. Once I was finally out of the loop my brain equalized and I am able to truly appreciate the gift of sobriety. Sometimes I feel blessed to have been a miserable addict because it makes me enjoy myself so much more now. It's like I finally stopped hitting myself in the head with a hammer.

Makes complete sense. Life is so full of sh*t that getting numb feels great. Until it doesn't feel great, then you're in deep.

all good responses here.

I had the same issue. I didnt feel right unless i had some kinda substance in me taking the edge off.

Honeslty the most normal I ever felt in my life was when i abused valium. I felt how I felt everyone else must feel. I was cool as a cucumber it felt great. Lucky for me those who supplied me with those pills realized it and refused to give me any more thus saving me from a benzo addiction thankfully!

But I managed to get myself hooked on booze or anything else i could get my hands on for my "fix".

once you sober up however reality smacks you in the face but once you get some coping skills under your belt you'll be better off. Sure the numbing of the emotions is great and all but it has a down side hang overs all the problems that come along with it and the fact that you never truely learn how to deal with life. Its not a good long term solution and eventually it bites ya.

When I quit drinking I didn't know what I'd do with my time. It was hard getting used to feeling my feelings normally. But with some sober time, it got easier. Now I love the way I feel.

Give yourself some time sober to get used to it. It really is a better way to live. :)

There's an old saying "Wherever you go, there you are". This is true no matter how much alcohol or meds you put into your body to escape. I get what you're saying though.

The problem is you're not really escaping anything. You're denying yourself the right to work on a life that will leave you not needing to feel that way. Add to that it's only going to get worse. That drinking to escape is going to lead you down paths you never thought you'd go. Believe me.

You can think that alcohol is giving you reprieves from dealing with things and sure, it does. However, those things you're running from are never going to go away.

I can't express enough to you that I get what you're saying because I've said it. I managed to get sober for 17 months and they were the best months of my adult life. There were hard times, sure, but they were easier to deal with when I was sober. It got better.

You can do this, it sure beats landing in a hospital due to a binge. There are no guarantees as to where you'll end up next if you don't.

Yep. Def makes sense. That's exactly how I felt. What has made all the difference for example is AA and the 12-step program. That is what has taught me to be comfortable in sobriety and comfortable sitting with my self. Although my sober self is, I feel, a much much easier person for me to sit with. If I had to sit with my old soak self and her negative, bitter and destructive behaviour then things would be a lot different.

Yup, I think pretty much everyone on this site can identify with feeling like we need to be a little (or very) messed up or needing a break from ourselves.

Really, it never works which is why we continue to take drink/use more more more because we can never escape ourselves. It is impossible, yet drugs and alcohol give us the illusion that if we just take a little more then we can do the impossible and get away from ourselves.

Sure, at first it is going to be uncomfortable to be completely sober. You might be anxious, not be able to sleep, bored, not wanting to leave the house, depressed, etc. but if you put the work into your recovery it will all pass and you will discover a world you didn't even know existed. What do you have to lose in trying? I am grateful everyday that I finally summed up the courage to "take the plunge". There is a reason why people who have a strong recovery and a solid amount of sober time never regret getting sober.

To stay focused I (we) must be sober
 

Yes, I remember the desire to escape from self.

Then I realized that self -- the one looking back at me in the mirror
was the one that had been deceiving me all along.

Best to be focused and keep watch over ourselves very closely.

Bob

Makes total sense to me. I drank to get a break from myself. Part of getting sober is learning how to be comfortable in your own skin. For me, at least.

how are you going 121824?

D

121824-

Makes sense to me too.

One of the most common reasons people drink is to escape and/or "take a break". If they cannot catch a real viable break (whether it's from theirself or from life around them or from their circumstances) they are more likely to seek out that break by altering their mind's perception of reality....because, well, I guess because reality became too intense or something like that.

You are not alone.

There are viable means/methods of taking a break that don't involve damage to the brain and body. Our challenge is to identify those things, but also we need to get in touch with why we would feel such a great need to take that break to begin with and start chipping away at the underlyting issues.

I have found that I am better at solving life's challenges with a sober mind and my body feels so much better it's not even funny. My relationships are better. My finances are healthier. It's win-win all around.

It makes sense to me but theres a lot of other ways to take a break. I thought I had it all figured out I would drink two beers and stop. And my mind would be in a insane asylum. The four horsemen depression despair bewilderment. Even one beer changes my personality not just that day but for days. I did drink a lot more beer then two. Talk about a lot of wasted years made good money the only money I held onto is the four years I was sober from drinking still reaping benifits from it. Meditation my escape now both contemplative and mindfullnes.

I totally identify with that desire. For me, drinking was a way to take a 'break' when I was feeling overwhelmed with life (I was a binger). It may sound strange, but drinking was my way of becoming more in tune with the 'here & now', and escape the mental torture of past regrets and future anxieties. In other words - alcohol brought me mindfulness, albeit in a destructive and short-term way.

As others have said, it took a lot of work (i.e. rehab and therapy) to learn how to sit with myself and experience mindfulness without distorting my mind. Acceptance of myself and the world around me was a huge factor.

I can relate to the original poster a lot.

But, for me, sobering up has involved a lot of growing up.

And, as adults, we don't get the luxury of checking out for a while.

Take a chance and seek help, amigo.

You may be closer than you think to an infinitely better life.